An Explanation, with Explosion. With formatting.

Every year, during the first weekend in March, in Columbus, Ohio, we have the Arnold Schwarzenegger Fitness Exposition. It is a very popular event, bringing people from all over the world to our fair city. It is so popular they erected a statue of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his underwear downtown.* We like to shorten the name, and just call it the “Arnold.” It saves a bunch of syllables, and leaves us more free time to complain about how busy we are.**

The Arnold happens at the Columbus Convention Center. It is only a few blocks from where I work. And people are hungry to find a place to park. In front of the building where I am employed is a small parking lot. It is a private lot, the company owns it and it is for employees (and owners, and visitors) only. At the back of the lot is our loading dock, and since the lot is so small often we have to ask people to move their cars to accommodate trucks. Obviously, it is important that we keep people who are not easily accessible from parking in our lot. People who are three blocks away, at the Arnold in the Convention Center, for example.

My co-worker, Bil, has the ultimate responsiblilty for this. He is the only with a desk on that side of the building. He has, in the past kept vigil, opening his window and screaming profanely at interlopers, sometimes hurling himself down the stairs to confront the would be parking offenders and chase them from our lot. We call him Bil, the enforcer.**

It was not a perfect system. Sometimes Bil needs coffee, or eats lunch, or has duties that take him from his work station/watch tower. And people could sneak in, park and be out of range before he even noticed. So, Bil put a orange cone in the center of the driveway to deter people. It was a stroke of genius. Sometimes we call him Bil, the Ingenious.**

An Accident Happens.

Until a truck delivered nine pallets of candles. 

“Who put that cone in your driveway?” The truck driver asked, smiling. He was a short, older (even older than me) extremely pleasant man, he told us he was nearing retirement, his hair was white, and he smiled constantly. 

“I did.” Bil said. “I want to keep people from parking in out lot during the Arnold.” 

“I ran over it.” The driver told him, still smiling. Obviously, being close to retirement was very liberating.

“Is it OK?” Bil asked, but we all knew the answer. The poor cone had been run over by a delivery truck with nine pallets of candles. It was no longer a cone in anyway, except our memory.

Problem Solved

Bil would not be deterred, though. He set about making a more proper sign, or signage in modern jargon.

He built a sign, anchored it in another cone.*** And it said. “NO ARNOLD Parking.” He anchored it with big pieces of broken asphalt. Nobody would be foolish enough to tangle with a construction as menacing as that.

And, it worked. Not one Arnold parker in our lot all day. Bil the Successful is what we call him.** 

I try to take a walk everyday at lunch. I am going to walk my way to good health even if it kills me. And when I walked past Bil’s sign I couldn’t help but think; what if somebody from out of town happened to be driving past? Someone who knew nothing of the huge event happening just a short walk away. Would they think we just hated Arnold. “Jim and John, Pancho and Paco, Evelyn and Edith all are welcome, but not you, Arnold, you can find someplace else.”

And the thought amused me so much I posted the sign on Facebook, with the caption, Arnold, this means you, or maybe We hate you Arnold. I don’t really remember. 

And since I never know when enough is enough. I added this video.****

We have a friend who lives in New Zealand, one of the nicest, funniest, most creative people we know online, or in person. She saw the No Parking sign and my caption and told me “nobody likes a bully.” And then she applauded Arnold for his air strike retaliation. But, she wanted to know what is was all about. 

Since I hadn’t written a blog post in a while I thought this would be the perfect opportunity.  Here you go, Trina, an explanation.

Meaningless Footnotes

* Not really, it is a statue of him competing in the Mr. Universe competition.

** I just made that up.

*** I don’t know where he got all the cones. Bil is very resourceful, and can be counted on for many things. Bil the Resourceful** is one of his many nicknames.

**** This didn’t really happen, it is the Action Movie FX app for the iPhone, it is a lot of fun. Download it and tell them I recommended it, and maybe they will send some cash. The circle of life, translated for extreme capitalism. 

The Arnold Festival, An Event.

Whoever designed the Columbus Convention Center had a keen eye for disaster. As a building it resembles a series of small, similar buildings shoved together. Walls jut from the ground at unusual angles. Sudden, drastic changes in depth and distance are reinforced by the almost serene pastel colors. Just walking past it, and I do, often at lunch, is a wild ride. I love it, it gives me a feeling of normalcy.

Even its location is an odd mix. On the south is downtown. Tall buildings bracketing towering cranes sitting in cavernous holes, assembling more buildings. To the west is the Arena district, a dignified celebration of red brick, wide artful sidewalks and chic old school establishment. Just north is hipster heaven. The Fabulous Short North, Old, short buildings, gutted, renovated and reborn as a string of micro breweries, bistros, and art galleries. To the east lies the main artery of the whole city, the broad, flat expanse of I-670, a paved black line from the airport to downtown, the nicest freeway in the whole place. And right in the middle sits the convention center in all the ungainly glory any anarchist could ever want.

It is a natural home for the Arnold Schwarzenegger Fitness Festival. People, all shapes, all sizes, different ages, from everywhere, all come to the fitness festival. It packs them in.

The long hall that runs north to south the length of the convention center is the central nervous system for the whole affair. From that long, noisy, messy conduit the events emanate left and right. Power lifting, ping pong, martial arts all hidden behind guarded doors. And brother, don't even try to peek inside with the proper wrist band. Burly, surly security people will instruct you to move along.

The big hall, though, that is where the big haul happens. It is a tightly controlled environment, and people come out of their with huge bags of stuff. And for the life of me I can't imagine (ok, I could imagine, but refuse to) what they are carrying. It looks heavy, and bulky, and closely guarded. It is always in bulging, opaque bags. They struggle blocks to their car carrying the treasure. Finally, they can heave it into the trunk, collapse into the seat and catch their breath. But, I don't want to know bad enough to buy my way in to the secret.

We got there late this year, too late for almost everything. Certainly too late for the newest event, Competitive Yoga. An event that sounds too good to be true. I would pay just to see the trash talking. "I will cleanse my deepest layers of peace and tranquility a hell of a lot better than you. You aren't fit to wipe the sweat from my Chakra." But, I missed it.

One thing I love about the Arnold Event, the one thing that brings me back year after year is the communal quest for improvement. To me everybody walking in and out of that odd building, no matter how they look now dreams of being better. It is an energy that pulsates long before it starts, and resonates for weeks after it is over. If there is any hope for mankind it lies in our ability to dream of better things. From the fittest to the fattest (like me) everybody is there hoping to catch a spark, light a flame, burn so bright it will change their life. Everybody except me, I guess, I am only there to look.

A quick trip back in time, sort of.

Since it is Friday and nobody wants to spend a lot of time reading, or watching a video, or thinking about anything important, particularly if it seems like the whole world has the day off except the loyal hard working scientists, engineers and research associates here at Life Explained Ohio, we present to you the Columbus Auto Show in 53 (approximately) seconds. Plus a picture of a very macho truck.

Fitness, Fun, and Food.

Now that I am working out (a lifter) it seemed only natural that I would attend the Arnold Fitness Festival. An extravagant, hectic, crowded assembly, packing the Columbus Convention Center from one end to the other. Attendees run the gamut from extremely fit to fitness challenged (I like to think of myself as fitness challenged Plus, working to physically fit light). Having never been there before I was not sure what I would see. What I did see was a little amazing, a little frightening, and a lot of entertaining.

Convention centers share several characteristics. Most are designed around a long central hall, with large rooms, with big exhibition rooms branching off at more or less regular intervals. Often these rooms have pocket style walls allowing for adjustable sizes, and numerous configurations. But, if you want to take the pulse of an event you want the long central hall. That is where everybody congregates, where all of the meetings take place.

When viewed from the proper perspective the central hall is like a combination of a parade, and a an airport terminal, mixed with a little bit of reunion, maybe family, maybe school, possibly even neighborhood. Hugs, handshakes, smiles, and laughter ring through the hall, repeated down the length of the hall, and echoing, inviting and warm, it can give you hope. This perspective is from above the fray. Climb the stairs to the upper hall, look down on the masses, and it looks happy and joyous.

Of course, the view from the main floor is a little different. Down there it is competition, survival of the fittest, a mad dash to an imaginary finish line. Competitors weaving in and out of the slow moving traffic. Down here the happiness, and pleasantries are few, fleeting, and on the fringes where nothing is moving. Soon, the flow will even grab the celebrants, sweeping them along in flood of humanity, toward the next available eddy.

Oddly enough, both views are correct. And when you go to these things you have to enjoy both. There is a sense of omnipotence looking down on the masses from an elevated position, safe and sound, but the real feel of the festival is among the throng feeling the energy of the crowd.

If you are looking for insight, and exercise tips, though, you are probably in the wrong place. The body builders are doing a job, and performing a routine, the vendors want to sell their supplements or equipment, which is fine, because that is why they came. So, don't expect any revelations. If that sounds unreasonable ask yourself what advice you expect. Work very hard, and push yourself to the very edge, and then push yourself some more. Make lifting and exercising a life style, sacrifice, toil, slave, and work, work, work, and you can be muscular beyond belief. We all know that fitness requires effort, would that it didn't, but it does. There are no shortcuts, that's why people admire body builders, not because it is easy.

If you have the opportunity go to the Fitness Expo, or anything similar, it is fun, and there are crowds, and a herd like solidarity, and all of the colors of life. People like you, and people who are nothing like you, and all of the types in between. There are exhibits, and displays and the energy of all that life crammed in such a small place.  But, if you go to the Arnold Festival in Columbus, walk 3 blocks west and hit the North Market for some hot dogs and potato chips at the "Best Wurst," you will need the protein.

You will thank me later.

According to an article in the Los Angeles Times Australian scientists (Those Crazy Australians) compared the size of spiders who live in the city against spiders who live in the country, and found that the urban spiders were larger.

There are several potential reasons for this, the additional warmth generated by the concrete, and asphalt provides an ideal temperature for spider growth, or perhaps the condensed habitat has increases the availability of prey.  Further, they found that spiders living in wealthier neighborhoods were larger than the spiders living in less affluent areas.  Urban spiders are bigger, and socioeconomic factors can increase the effect.  

In fairness, the study was conducted on one species (the Golden Orb Weaver) sincethey are less nomadic, widespread, and they are much less intimidating, venomous, and hostile than the Sydney Funnel Web Spider. A fearsome beast many claim has the worlds most toxic venom, a nasty temperament (legend says it will cross the street against the light just to bite a person), and according to some reports has a bite that can pierce a toenail.  Dang, that would sting.  Who can blame them for avoiding that monster.

To sum, country spiders are big, city spiders are bigger, and snobby, upper-crust spiders bigger still.

In related news, as reported by the Huntington Herald Dispatch, (Dang, that is so big it could be from Australia) a Carolina Wolf Spider was found in the forests of southern Ohio.  According to the report this is the first reported sighting of the species in Ohio in six decades.  Also, according to the report, this spider is (and the words are quoted verbatim) "palm sized."  It does not specify whose palm is being used as reference, but the the potential is staggering.

Located in the center of Ohio is Columbus, a city with over 809,000 people, if you don't count the surrounding areas.  A city of some size, and with many areas, and suburbs with some wealth.  Since Columbus is conveniently located in the center of the state southern Ohio is not far at all.  Southern Ohio is much closer to Columbus than any point in either Carolina.  And, this is only a guess, but that may be the origin of the Great Carolina Wolf Spider Invasion, though this issue needs more research.  

Imagine what will happen if these palm sized spiders find their way up Route 33, using the Lancaster Bypass, and end up in Columbus, as previously noted a city of some size.  Or worse still, what if the take the exit onto 104, and merge onto I71 North, which turns into 315 North just west of downtown and use the Lane Avenue exit, and turn west, ending up in Upper Arlington (motto; We have a lot of money).  That spells catastrophe, my friend.

There is only one sane thing to do.  We need to blow up the bridges, and build a wall to separate the southern and central portions of the state.  It is for the best.