We "Hire" a New Supervisor.

Time is fluid. Maybe it doesn't exist at all. Maybe it is a fiction, produced by humanity to enslave people when a society reaches a level when slavery is frowned upon. It is certainly not a constant. Once you are stuck in a budget meeting with upper management you understand how time is an instrument of torture. Minutes hammer you, seconds drain your will to live.

"This year has been golden in terms of productivity per unit. We have produced far fewer units, but each one took less time. We are really cranking out the units, just not very many, and nobody is really buying them. However, the units we do sell are increasingly profitable." On and on Geoff  Gordon, from production bragged. "We have reduced our time and cost per unit to almost half of last years expense." Geoff carefully avoided mentioning sales, or marketing, but his glance at Jill spoke volumes. His gaze dripped contempt for the departments that weren't production. Geoff was big, and had beautiful hair, wavy, and thick and always perfect. It made him look taller than the  6' 3" he was, and brilliantly powerful, though he wasn't.

Jill was next.

"While sales have languished a little this year we have made inroads into key markets. Many large retailers looked closely at our product, and we could have closed some very big deals had the quality been a little higher." She smiled at Geoff. At least her lips were curved upward, but it had no warmth. Her white, smooth skin, under her long, dark, red hair glowed with bitter animosity, and her revulsion was obvious.

She droned on about bounce rates, retention, key accounts, and CRM, and it seems there were some charts about per customer purchases, but it is a little foggy. I may have fallen asleep.

Finally, "Plus, many of the key customers cut back on orders, saying we needed to introduce something new to the pipeline. Everybody loved the Bulbous 200 when it was introduced, it was the hottest thing, but that was 3 years ago, and that is a lifetime in this industry." She flashed a mocking grin at the Willy from R and D. It was cold, hateful and shared her complete disregard for the whole department.

I tired to figure out how to play a game of Tetris on my phone without drawing attention to myself. I had been here for 3 days this morning, I was hungry, thirsty and nature called, and things were just getting started. We had 4 more departments to go, then cross examination. We would never get out of here alive.

Willy took the stand next, he was long winded, and constantly used "ummm" as filler. This would never end. "We, ummmm, have new...." he paused, coughed, and started to flail around wildly, clutching his chest, and grunting, cursing, and moaning. I thought he was having a heart attack.

Almost at once he stood, straight, erect, and his eyes glowed, red, horrible, and ominous. In a deep voice that echoed terribly around the room he said, "I am Siritor, flail of the netherworld, monster from the deep, demon from the ancient past, this is a hostile takeover. I now own 51 percent of the stock, and have the board of directors locked in a dungeon where they will support my every decision. Are there any questions?"

"Could I take tomorrow off? I have a dental appointment, I need a filling, and I hate coming to work with face all numb." I asked.

Yes, that will be fine." Siritor, said, grabbing a bagel, dismissing the meeting, and walking towards the CEO's office. Almost as one three department heads said, "hey, we didn't get our turn." Siritor laughed and kept walking.

This might work out ok.

A New Policy Yesterday, but An Old Day Now.

It could have been a hundred years ago, but it could have been yesterday, too.  Three guys, well two guys and a dog, unable to find a job, started their own company, Life Explained.  It was a top secret, covert, research and development facility (seeking to unravel the riddles of the universe, and make some money) with no clients.  

The United States government found out about this top secret organization somehow, it might have been the article in a local paper about the grand opening, and jumped at the chance to enter a partnership.  It is why top secret laboratories and governments are formed, to provide for each other.  Kind of like an oppressively expensive, clandestine social circle.  

Soon, the company grew, and three employees became one hundred and thirty two.  But, it was difficult to get anything done, work schedules were lax, progress came in short bursts.  Projects that were finished in one department, moved to the next, and sat there waiting for somebody to arrive.  Experiments languished in empty labs.  It was a mess, and it was getting worse.

It was obvious to the three owners, two guys, and a dog, that something needed done.  If the small company was going to become a big company rules were necessary.

A consultant was hired, a man with an impeccable resume, a man who understood the needs being on time.  He was brisk, efficient, and to the point.  One phone call and they knew they had found the right guy.  “If you implement my system you will have no more problems,” he guaranteed.

Monday the twelfth the email went out.  There was going to be a new attendance and tardiness policy.  The meeting would be on Thursday, the seventeenth, at Eight AM, in conference room B, the large room with theater style seating.  Be on time.

Thursday dawned, bright, early, and with a vengeance, the air smelled like a jail cell, and the sun looked fluorescent.  And the man was set up by 7:30.

At 8:00 he started, promptly.  At 8:15 Bob, from accounting came in.  “Sorry, stuck in traffic.”  The man was perturbed, but went on with the presentation.  It involved points, on a sliding scale of severity.  If a person was less than 5 minutes late it was ¼ of a point.

At 8:25 Bob, from R and D showed up, and said, “hey, I am really sorry, my alarm didn’t go off.”  The man was getting upset, noticeably, but continued.  At 8:30 Bob, from Marketing came in, his car wouldn’t start.  8:45 and a tardiness, accident on the freeway, 8:52 “sorry I’m late, my basement was flooded.”  By now the man was shaking, and his voice was cracking.  For the next several minutes a litany of excuses, and associates paraded in the door.  A fire in the garage, a snake in the toilet, spiders, aliens, and snoring in-laws, contorted the man’s face with rage. 

Finally, when Bob, from Human Resources stood up, saying “I am going to Dunkin’ Donuts for a croissant and a coffee, anybody want anything?” the man had had enough.

He threw down his notes, kicked over the table, and swore his way out of the room.

The three owners were shocked.  Still, something needed to be done.  Since they had heard part of the presentation, and were felt themselves to be fairly intelligent people, and dog, they decided to make it their own, the Life Explained Omnibus Tardiness and Attendance Policy.

Having heard the parts about accruing points, on a sliding scale, they extrapolated.  Surely, they felt, anybody, or group, who could build such a fantastically successful and innovative company could come up with something much better than the original.

Here is the scale they conceived, and executed, but something was missing. 

Occurrence	Points
Less than 5 Minutes Late	.25
Less than 30 minutes Late	.5
Less than 60 Minutes Late	.75
More than 60 Minutes Late	1
Missing Day	2

What would the results provide?  They locked themselves in an office, until they came up with the ideal solution.   

An announcement went out, with the details above, and the implications that whoever had the most points at the end of the year would win this nice clock radio.   

People were scurrying out the door, a tsunami of humanity, as they rushed by, they yelled “I need to take a day off tomorrow, and I will be late the next day."

Soon, they gave up on the idea, and went back to the old way, just relying on the common decency of their employees to do the right thing.  What could possibly go wrong there?

Never pass up a good thing.

Next week the company that employs me is having a meeting, several ranking members of our marketing, product development and sales teams are flying into town.  It will be a serious, considered meeting, and there will be many important things discussed, and potentially the road to boundless success, untrammeled good fortune, and exotic riches will be mapped, and the first steps taken.  But, with any luck there will be donuts.  Not that I am invited to the meeting, (thank goodness, I can get myself in enough trouble without being stuck in a room filled with important company people, and donuts) but often they buy donuts for everyone (thank goodness).

Bagels would be ok, too.  Donuts are the hallmark of a good meeting, though.  And, I have researched this very carefully, "meeting donuts" don't count against daily caloric intake.  It is a little known rule of mathematical physics that ("MD(c)=<(H2O+C(ndc))".  MD(c) stands for the (c)alorie from Donuts provided at a Meeting are equal to or less than a glass of water and a cup of Coffee with (n)on (d)airy (c)reamer (which means it is not from a dairy, it seems).  OK, I just made that up, but it would be rude to ignore free donuts.

Even my doctor, who despises almost everything I do, does not approve of being ill mannered.  And really, who does, particularly when it comes to donuts, or bagels, or cookies, (cookies would be ok, too, or maybe cupcakes, those are always good).

Anyway, one good way of planning a weekly menu for your family is by the meetings being held where you work.  Since I am in charge of making lunches for my wife and I, it is crucial to keep a careful eye on the facility use where she works.  if there is a meeting of the managing directors I can probably skip making her lunch that day, figuring she can scavenge from the buffet they are sure to have.  There are always leftovers and if lunch does not need to be made, we can hit the snooze button one more time.

Plus, a free lunch is free.  And that is good for the old budget.  As Ray Davies sang, so wisely

"Cheap is small and not too steep,
But best of all cheap is cheap."

So, if you want to save some money, get some extra sleep (and who doesn't?) offer to clean up after the company meetings (for the love of God, don't offer to join the meeting, those things can last for decades).  Not only will you look like a team player, you will get some free food, plus sometimes you can find a little change that fell out of one of the Armanis.  Plus, it will get you out of performing whatever meaningless, thankless,humiliating, task you were performing so admirably and with such finesse and precision.