No more free lunches

It has been brought to our attention that the IRS would like to change the rules regarding "employer provided meals." They, presumably, just want their piece of the pie and the cake and the pizza and their slab of the bologna and spam and chopped ham. They just want cut of the meatloaf and the lasagna and the... well, you get the idea.

It is a sad day, here at Life Explained. We enjoy buying lunch, and sometimes dinner, an occasional bottle of wine, maybe some smooth Kentucky bourbon, or 18 year old Scotch, or even tapping a pony keg now and again to honor our hard working associates, It has always been a chance to say "thanks, there has not been one unintended explosion or death this week and we are very grateful."

But, thanks to the greed that is consuming our federal government, and their jack booted legions, that is a thing of the past.

Just to be safe we are not stopping there. What if the IRS decides that the use of the elevator should be considered a perk "equal to the direct cost of the" electricity, and service needed to operate and maintain that elevator. We put a credit card reader on that bad boy.

Wait, we thought, what about water, and hand soap, and toilet paper. What about all of those years all of those freeloaders have been using our refrigerator to keep their puny, petty little lunches cold, and bacteria free? Slamming down cups of company provided coffee, damn. And think of the money we wasted on air conditioning, and heat, so the ingrates could be comfortable. What about all that stuff, whose been footing the bill for that?

We have, that's who! Man, these guys have been playing us for suckers. It makes our skin crawl.

Quick, somebody call the purchasing department on the payphone, in the hallway, and see what kind of deal we can get on coin slots and card readers if we buy them in bulk. Oh, and send a nice thank you basket of muffins to the IRS.



This post was bought to you by the hardworking associates of the IRS.*












*Not really, but we are still looking for sponsors and you guys could use a little good publicity for a change.

Never pass up a good thing.

Next week the company that employs me is having a meeting, several ranking members of our marketing, product development and sales teams are flying into town.  It will be a serious, considered meeting, and there will be many important things discussed, and potentially the road to boundless success, untrammeled good fortune, and exotic riches will be mapped, and the first steps taken.  But, with any luck there will be donuts.  Not that I am invited to the meeting, (thank goodness, I can get myself in enough trouble without being stuck in a room filled with important company people, and donuts) but often they buy donuts for everyone (thank goodness).

Bagels would be ok, too.  Donuts are the hallmark of a good meeting, though.  And, I have researched this very carefully, "meeting donuts" don't count against daily caloric intake.  It is a little known rule of mathematical physics that ("MD(c)=<(H2O+C(ndc))".  MD(c) stands for the (c)alorie from Donuts provided at a Meeting are equal to or less than a glass of water and a cup of Coffee with (n)on (d)airy (c)reamer (which means it is not from a dairy, it seems).  OK, I just made that up, but it would be rude to ignore free donuts.

Even my doctor, who despises almost everything I do, does not approve of being ill mannered.  And really, who does, particularly when it comes to donuts, or bagels, or cookies, (cookies would be ok, too, or maybe cupcakes, those are always good).

Anyway, one good way of planning a weekly menu for your family is by the meetings being held where you work.  Since I am in charge of making lunches for my wife and I, it is crucial to keep a careful eye on the facility use where she works.  if there is a meeting of the managing directors I can probably skip making her lunch that day, figuring she can scavenge from the buffet they are sure to have.  There are always leftovers and if lunch does not need to be made, we can hit the snooze button one more time.

Plus, a free lunch is free.  And that is good for the old budget.  As Ray Davies sang, so wisely

"Cheap is small and not too steep,
But best of all cheap is cheap."

So, if you want to save some money, get some extra sleep (and who doesn't?) offer to clean up after the company meetings (for the love of God, don't offer to join the meeting, those things can last for decades).  Not only will you look like a team player, you will get some free food, plus sometimes you can find a little change that fell out of one of the Armanis.  Plus, it will get you out of performing whatever meaningless, thankless,humiliating, task you were performing so admirably and with such finesse and precision.

A Revolution of the Well Off.

Long assumed to be the silent minority, the wealthy have started to be a more vocal concerning their needs.  No longer content to sit in the boardroom watching over their fiefdom or ride in pampered, secluded style behind the tinted, bullet proof windows of their hideously expensive limousine, to the private jet waiting to rocket them away to a secluded resort, the extremely wealthy are now demanding their share of the American Dream.  “Why should poor people get all the help?”  Is the battle cry of the Wealth is OK with Us Liberation Army.

According to a recent survey of the top 1% of the US, when measured in net worth, a full 78% of those who responded demanded that corporate welfare include free lunches. “And not just that crap they serve to the common folk in the cafeteria” demanded one billionaire who asked to have his identity kept secret, because he did not want his wife to find out he was not eating the healthy lunch she packed for him each day.  “Look, the government gives free lunches to poor kids in school all the time, what do they do to generate jobs, how does that stimulate investment?”

Another key component of this Anti-Anti Wealth Movement is the use of public defenders in antitrust lawsuits and insider trading cases.  Since they feel it is normally the government “stirring up all the trouble when a guy is just trying to make a quick buck.  How is that different than when the DA is prosecuting a poor guy for armed robbery?”  When it is pointed out that the “poor guy” can not afford an attorney the response is “oh yeah, play the wealth card, why don’t ya?”  When it is pointed out that often public defenders are overwhelmed with case loads, overworked to the point of not having the time to prepare for trial and untrained to handle the intricacies of SEC regulations and the complexities involved in the legal maneuvering of corporate law, the answer is always, “the Government will just have to pony up the money for better lawyers for us. Hey, they started all of this, anyways.”

Some of the poorer members of this elite class of earners asked to have government subsidies for Country Club memberships.  No longer happy at the Country Clubs that allow “just about anybody, even congress people”, they are looking upward, even it is out of their price range.  “Hey, we pay taxes, a little, at least most of us”, explained one wealthy bank executive who requested privacy, claiming to be close friends with several people who had “heaps of dough, and they don’t know I am living on the edge.” Of course they demanded that it be completely invisible to the other members.  “Imagine the horror of finally teeing up at the Yellowstone Club and having the other members of your foursome find out good old Uncle Sam paid your way.  Even your caddy would die of shame.”

Taxes are the main irritant to the wealthiest of America.  Long have they considered their share of the tax burden unfair.  It is a widely held belief among the wealthy that tax laws are weighted heavily in the favor of the poor.  They argue for a tax rate that will cover the federal budget.  What they propose is to take the budget divide it by the number of citizens and everybody sends in a check for their share.  If there is not enough, another check, too much, give it to the wealthy, to invest in the future of the country.

It looks to be a long, protracted battle, but the wealthy say they will not give up until they have the same rights as everyone else.  They just want to be treated as equals, equals with a lot of money, power, and superiority.  “We are tired of being misunderstood.”