A new commercial, new revenue streams and the ongoing saga of #FixThePlus.

Exciting news, we are getting ready to begin production on the next Life Explained commercial. It will be huge. So big, in fact, we are going to call it an "Infomercial." Of course that is after the legal department clears the term. We are not planning on going real heavy on the Info, and concentrating mostly on the Mercial part. Nobody really watches television for information.

Preliminary reports indicate two "quantifiable iotas" of information will be enough. Last time we checked we are safely at three and a half (as long as we are allowed to count the dancing zombies as a Health Feature)* so we should be covered.

Anyway, we have the idea all mapped out, sort of. It is going to be about the mysteries of life, kind of. And how we are working so hard to explain them, maybe.

Anyhow, we have the app all picked out for production, at least we have it narrowed down to one or two, well maybe three. They all have benefits, and drawbacks, but we may end up using all of them, who knows.

And, we have the theme music all picked out, at least we have the list narrowed down to 7 or 9 songs, no more than 11, anyway. It might be a montage, a sort of progressive fading, flowing, looping thing. It is too early to tell.

We are selling advertising, if anybody is interested in placing a commercial inside our commercial. Just let us know. We will be at Starbucks™ (maybe Starbucks would like to advertise here) later if you want to buy us a coffee and talk.

Storyboarding will begin after coffee, and maybe donuts, or a breakfast burrito.

Lights, Camera, wait, hold on a minute.

What we do have is this new Digislate Clapperboard app from Wimbledon Sound, and it makes us feel like big time movie people.

Now all we need is an idea for an infomercial, a decision on which video app to use, a music selection and we are on our way.

*We are still casting the dancing zombies by the way, so if you are not technically alive and can bust a move give us a call.

Here is what we have so far.

Life Explained, the Early Days

How do you measure success?  It is a private calculation, one that everybody needs to write for themselves. Money, fame, recognition for achievement are all metrics, but we, here at Life Explained Ohio Office, like to measure success in advertising dollars.

Unfortunately, we have fallen short of our goals, which were modest by today's standard, only $250.000.00, so far we have only cleared $000,000.00. Obviously we have some work to do.

With that in mind we have hired a new advertising agency. But, without any advertising revenue, we were a little limited in our choices, all of the really good organizations are a little pricey. Many of them wouldn't even return our emails, and the one who answered the phone actually laughed out loud when we started counting the change from the sofa cushions. A little rude, but it was worse when they hung up.

But, innovation r' us®*.  And we persevered. We actually started our own advertising agency. The Life Explained Advertising Agency. It was a great idea, we should have thought of this years ago.

We are lining up all sorts of events, and endorsements, and commercial opportunities. There are celebrities, and statesmen, and elected officials all in the cue for future events to help celebrate the story of the birth of Life Explained.

It is a great story, too. A dog scientist and a couple of human engineers, and graduate students striking out on their own. Nothing but a covered wagon, a used printer, a dream, and a couple of dollars, we started across the Rockies. But the snows came early and we were stuck in a pass, with nothing but some canned beans and a faulty microwave assembled hastily from the printer, things looked desperate.

But, we persevered, and using the planks from the bottom of the wagon we built a few rudimentary buildings, and stocked them as best we could. It was touch and go, we hunted for local game, and trapped, and fished, and panned for gold. Just as a side note, the red berries on evergreens make an awful wine, but we’ve had worse.

But, we persevered, and built a few more buildings using logs and sticks, and rocks. We fashioned a crude system of cables using twigs, and bark as rope to transfer goods and people to and from the mountain top. It was really ingenious, man we were so smart.

Pretty soon people were coming from everywhere to check out our new settlement. And that is how we founded Aspen, Colorado.**

Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that story?

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow when we talk about how we subdued the Boxer Rebellion, a touching story involving a corrupt referee and some hellacious left jabs, and right crosses. And the Eye of the Tiger, by the 80's rock band Survivor.

*Not really registered, yet, but we are going to work on it as soon as we save enough money, don’t forget the life explained garage, rummage and bake sale, coming to a neighborhood near you.

** Not really, this was written by the Life Explained Advertising Agency.  For a free quote email us at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com

Busy day, no time to talk, have to run

This is a very busy day here at Life Explained. For one thing, we had a visitor yesterday, and that always causes a log jam, a bottle neck, an unholy waterfall of unfulfilled responsibilities. Everybody spends the day trying to get in on meetings, and bagels, and pastries, nothing gets done. And there is hell to pay.

"We are going on break, be back in ten."

It was a person from our Brooklyn office, I am not sure what they do there. But, I am not sure what we do here most of the time, and I have been here forever. I was born here, I went to school here, right in this building, I met my wife here, not really, but I have been here a long time. So to recap, I am not sure what they do in the Brooklyn office, or in our top secret facility here in beautiful downtown @#@**!&*#. So, it only stands to reason that I don't know what our visitor from Brooklyn was doing here. Maybe he just stopped by for a bagel or two.

It is widely known that our building is haunted, at least I know it, and tell everybody who will listen.
("Hey, this building is haunted.") We have mannequins, several, who knows why, and they move. You can't see them move, or anything, they are smarter than that. One day they will be in the front of the basement, toward the sidewalk, the next they will be in the back, by the alley. Fortunately they have not figured out how to overwrite the security system on the elevator, or  who knows where they would end up. So, maybe he came by to grab some of the undead wandering around the place, a little halloween shopping.

Whatever the reason, it has made Wednesday, normally a pretty decent day around here, a little tense.

If that were not bad enough we have two new hires. All of the training and paperwork. They are in our new Corporate Lackey Department. We are trying to get a big name, deep pocket sponsor for the Life Explained series of blogs. And since they are not exactly beating a path to our door to dump money on our desks we thought we would take the proactive approach of advertising for several companies until one of them paid us to continue, or paid us to stop, it doesn't really matter. So meet Bob, and Bob, from the Life Explained Advertising Program.

Please, sponsor our blogs, Bob, or Bob might have children, we aren't too sure, they are new, after all.

James Polk, and Coffee, Get A Cup.

Doctor Dawg, in his zeal to raise money the old fashioned way, by peddling other people's crap, has called on some old friends to help him out.

We are talking old friends, in this case 220 years old. A person whose exalted position and unquestionable character have made him a natural for the job of brand spokes person.

Without further ado, let's introduce the 11th president, James K. Polk.

Tune in tomorrow, when George Washington tells us about lip balm, crossing the Delaware was difficult, trying and really dehydrating, and nobody can concentrate on conducting military operations with dry, cracked lips.

Bought to you by The Vote For Doctor Dawg, it is your only hope" campaign and bakery, where the promises are always fresh, and the donuts are always delicious.

Another chance, probably wasted, to save the world. Why do we bother?

Driving to work today we were behind a car that had personalized plates, with a purchased plate holder, and a bumper sticker.  So, in a couple of miles, driving about 70 miles an hour we learned that the woman driving the car was a fan (or graduate) of the local university, who liked to have fun, and was striving to be exceptional, and drove a Honda.  It was as though we were old friends.

We felt so connected to the woman in the Honda we started calling her Janet.  Everybody was excited to get the chance to follow such a dynamic, fun loving sports fan as Janet to work.  It would be a great way to start every day.

But, Bil, from accounting asked, "what if she just bought that stuff, what if it wasn't true?"

It was an epiphany, there was no truth in advertising for the back of a car.  For all we knew the woman in the Honda was a slothful, blissfully sub average, party killing, wet blanket who despised the local university.  It might have been a sham, we felt betrayed.

But it led to a conversation at the morning new product meeting.  What if we had to advertise our true character and emotional states on the backs of our cars.  Wouldn't the world be a much saner, safer place if you knew what the other people were really feeling.

With that in mind we would like to introduce;

THE LIFE EXPLAINED HONEST END OF CAR STICKER SYSTEM.

Everyday is different, everyday you are different, one adhesive, vinyl sheet espousing some emotional cliche cannot possibly convey the evolution, and changing condition of a person as diverse and wonderful as you, trust us.

Using a hook and loop fastener this system will allow the application of almost any state of being you can imagine.  We are constantly adding new sentiments to the catalog, there is something for everyone, everyday.  In a few seconds you are on your way to work, and the world will understand you a little better.  Not a bad way to start the day, is it?

Why settle for canned, pat, trite generalizations when you can cover the range of potential possibilities.  Humanity is diverse, wonderful, and slightly (or completely) psychotic.  A car should reflect that.

Act now, and check out our complete line of "Emotional Response Stimuli Conductors" to let the world know how you are feeling, every damn day.  It is your right, it is your privilege, it is your duty.  And your friends, coworkers, and fellow commuters will thank you.

We are getting ready to introduce our Mass Transit Line soon so all of you bus, and train riders start hounding city officials to loosen up the purse strings, and shell out the small pile of cash to install the Early Warning Mood System.  It will make it so much easier to choose the correct subway car, or bus.

Caveat Emptor, Buyer Beware, yes, that is very good.  Truth in advertising is so important, it is impossible to make an informed decision lacking important details.  Consumers have the right to all of the information available to the seller.  It seems self evident.

Imagine my shock visiting a Lasik center recently.  Turns out "Laser Eye" surgery does not actually mean installing "Laser Eyes" at all.  It seems people actually pay to have lasers shot into their eyes, just so they don't have to wear to glasses.  Go figure.  That would have been a handy thing to know, saving me the cost of an office visit.  Plus, they don't even validate.

Cologne, perfume, those are the things that need a little more honesty.  "Some people may find this odor offensive, particularly if you slop it on, and then go the gym, sweat may activate repulsion waves.  Please use sparingly.  Discontinue use and shower if friends and family avoid being in the same room with you."  Humanity would be well served.

Automobiles could use a little reality, as well.  "If you buy this car because you see someone driving it ridiculously, recklessly fast, and think it will fill some void in your life, or help you get dates, you are probably delusional, and should buy a compact car, using the savings to expand your horizons, true happiness comes from within.  Fulfillment is rarely delivered on 4 wheels.  When you are more comfortable with yourself you will be more comfortable with other people.  And, other people with you."

Fast food should come with the advisory text "artist rendition, food will not look like this when served, wrapped tightly in wax paper, by an angry, resentful, employee, who dislikes you.  Hamburger not made with real ham, or burger, cheese burger not made with real cheese, french fries not from France."

"Caution:  This medicine could result in the formation
of a robot in your stomach.  Please tell your doctor if you
have a robot in your stomach, or have been to any
areas with certain fungal infections, including
stomach robots."

Sometimes though, honesty in advertising goes a little too far.  Prescription medicine carries warnings that are too graphic.  "This medicine designed to reduce your blood pressure has the potential to make you so miserable, and the suffering so intense, you will long for the days when hypertension seemed like a problem.  Tell your doctor if you are having symptoms of any illness."  That would probably be enough.  My doctor can write a prescription without all of the awful, potential problems, saves a ton of time.

Medical advertising has changed, there was a time that advertisements for products that involved issues unique to the fairer sex seemed so obnoxious.  That was before the discovery of medicine to help with issues unique to middle aged men, they could probably give that stuff away if it weren't for the television commercial expense.

We need more honesty, but we need less truth, if that makes any sense.

Daytime TV another troubling development.

Monday was President's Day, and I took the day off. Which meant I had a chance to partake in the ultimate television, daytime television, and daytime television commercials.

We were watching a game show, something to do with prices or bargains, or something that had a lot of name brand products and services involved.  "Hey, Billy, how would you like to take home this Sony brand AM FM radio with headphones and three distinctly separate but equal knobs?  All you have to do is guess how Much Kraft brand Macaroni and Cheese, with fun shaped dinosaur pasta, it takes to fill the trunk of this Dodge Hedgehog."  Dang, that one was tough, did they mean cooked, or boxed?

But, before we heard Billy's answer, they cut to a commercial for laundry detergent.  There was a couple sitting in a bedroom with heaps of laundry surrounding them.   The man would take a small shirt from one basket and fold it carelessly before handing it to the woman, who would refold the shirt and put it in a different basket.

While they were folding the laundry, they were speaking right into the camera.  The woman talked about the blessing of having triplets, and the man countered with the financial burden it brought.   Which led, quickly, to the relative value of laundry detergents, ultimately leading to the anecdotal proof that the bargain detergents were of less value than the name brand, due to the enormous amount needed to clean clothes.

But, as any parent can tell you, having a new baby around is exhausting, having three must be hellish, and a person can get a little cranky.  Finally, right before the end of the commercial, they woman had had enough, (she lasted longer than my wife would have, maybe it was being on camera that provided the additional composure) and threw one of the shirts back in the man's face, saying, "you call that folded, you might as well wad it up and throw it back in the laundry, you bastard!"

Which he did.  Actually, it was more of a fastball pitch, with a windup and instead of the laundry it was at his wife's head, rather than in the laundry. He screamed "they are babies, nobody gives a bucket of poo about a few wrinkles."

At this point, maternal instinct kicked in and the woman, fearing that her babies were going out in public, wrinkled and messy, swung a full diaper bag around her head several times, finally bringing it to bear on the back of the man's head, knocking him into the changing table and opening a three inch gash on his forehead.

To his credit he got up quickly and grabbed a baby bottle, smashing it on the bassinet, and brandished the jagged edge menacingly toward the woman who had grabbed a wastebasket lid for a shield and still looped the diaper bag in long, terrifying circles around her head, each pass making an ominous, electrifying whoosh sound.

Before they could move in for the last match, they both collapsed in a heap, exhausted and wanting nothing more than a nap.

I looked at my wife, and asked, "did you see that?"

"It is all part of the "Reality Programming" trend that is so popular these days.  Things, sometimes, get a little strange."  She explained.

"Oh, I see."