The Dental Games.

It is that time again, that dreadful, awful, cursed time, again.  Today, I have a dental appointment.  Oh, it is only a "routine" cleaning, and a "checkup."  But, it is also summer, which means it is almost vacation time for the dental practice.  This spells big trouble, because somebody needs to pay for the plane tickets to some exotic, expensive place.  Here is my plan, after the hygienist is finished and the doctor walks in, before he can wash his hands and flip down his face guard I am going to strike.

"So, Doc, any big plans for the summer?"  I will call him Doc, it is a psychological ploy to put him at ease, lower his guard, assure him that we are friends, and we can talk, like friends, about our vacation plans.  I would call him Johnny, but his name is Frederick, and it might make him angry, and the last thing you want is an angry dentist digging around in your mouth.  If you had ever met my dentist you would know that Freddy is right out of the question.  Doc is probably as familiar as I should push it.  Trust me.  (Kings Pawn to Kings Pawn 4, the classic Chechnov Opening. Careful, but aggressive)

He will look at the x-rays, briefly and look at his hands, and say something like "oh, we are going to Jerusalem, and spend a week, then on the way back we are going to stop in Spain to catch a bull fight, maybe swing by London and have some fish and chips, nothing spectacular, we're trying to save a little money so we can go into space with Richard Branson.  Thanks, for asking, Tim."  (He advances his Queens Knight to Queens Bishop 3, looking for an opening)

Here is where I will deploy Plan A.

"Wow, Doc, that sounds like a root canal, and a new crown, doesn't it?"  He will be stunned that I have seen through his little gambit.  He will look at his hygienist and then glance at the rubber gloves, hanging loosely in his hands.  Unsure how to proceed, at a loss for the next move.  (He thinks about advancing his queen, but instead makes a wasted pawn move Kings rooks pawn ahead one, then lays down, a little worried)

Then I will move my Queens Rook to Kings Bishop Seven.  "Let's cut to the chase doc, a root canal is going to cost my insurance company and me about $1200.00 (mostly me) and it will run you upward of $75.00, right?"  Check!!!!

"Well, Tim, you, I, we, maybe..."  He will stammer, his eyes beginning to glaze, his breathing is rapid and shallow, he is not used to being on defense, and it scares him.

"Here is what I am going to do for you, doc, (please, note the lower case d, just to show him who has the upper hand now), I am going to write you a check for five hundred simoleans and you are going to run along and find yourself a new patsy."  Queen take Kings Knight, Check Mate!!!!

"Oh, and I would like the late appointment next time, if you don't mind, thanks.  See you guys in six months."

Now, that is a plan, I can't wait to go see my MD next month.  He will need the blood pressure medicine when that check up is over.

Things that are important, would we lie?

Time for a brief update.

Gale is now a happy resident of the great country of Germany.  She is studiously learning the rules of German grammar, and trying desperately to acquire a taste for Bratwurst and Beer.  Just kidding, everybody likes Bratwurst and Beer.  It is UnAmerican to dislike those things, they are like Apple Pie and Mom.  So if you see her, say hello, or possibly Hallo.  And buy her a brat, and a beer.

One more to go, and I am finished!

Susan would like everybody to know that lists are very cool.  And lists that include numbers are like manna from Heaven.  Susan is an organizational wizard, a MENSA member with a flair for, and a several degrees in, accounting.  Fortunately, Susan is also blessed with patience and a sense of humor, I have tested both over the course of our friendship.


John is still working on his first tweet.  When it was reported that John was a man of few words it seems that may have been an understatement.  His a man of no words, at least no words for Twitter.  In an effort to assist him on the road to Twitter happiness, we have set up an email account for just this occasion.  So, please, email TweetTweetJohn@yahoo.com, pleading for his first tweet.  We will make sure he gets them all.

Bil would like it known that not only did he participate in Chess Boxing he actually won the match.  We are working quickly and fervently to have Chess Boxing added to the next Olympics.  It is a young man's sport though, so we are also working on having Checkers Beer Pong added, just in case it takes too long.  Ah, Beer Pong, a real thinking mans game, so much strategy.  And, here is proof.

Re-enactment, not Really Mike's feet

My cousin Mike, who gets younger and more attractive almost every day has developed a condition that makes him walk around wearing one sock.  A tragic affliction, and we will be taking a collection to combat this curse in a future post, but we need to come up with a name sufficiently terrifying so people will rush to send in a check.  Right now we are just having a little fun, at Mike's expense, with the old nursery rhyme;



Diddle diddle dumling, my cousin John's son Mike
is walking around, one sock off one sock on,
diddle diddle dumpling  Mike, son of John.

It still needs a little work, but research continues, tirelessly.

Life continues, (bumpy, rough, and frightening) and as long as it does we will be here to keep an eye on things.

Welcome, Friend, Iss. 1, Vol. 2

My friend Bil has a new iPhone, his first.  Bil is very technically sophisticated, one time he broke the screen on his iPod Touch, and replaced it himself, and it worked!  He never needed to prove his electronic prowess to any of us ever again.  Why it took him this long to get an iPhone lies somewhere beyond the scope of reason.  He had an iPod, and an iPod Touch before any of us, and he had the first iPad in the warehouse.  Further, to make maximum use of his time, he had the device constantly at the ready.  If he was waiting for the elevator he would have iPod in hand performing some small screen gaming miracle, saving or obliterating entire communities, playing chess with people from across the world, making words where there were only tiles, or moving cargo from point A to point B in a speedy, efficient, point producing manner, all with a casual gesture of his thumb, while firmly holding a coffee cup in his other hand.  Honestly it is poetry in motion.

Bil is the person who really impressed upon me the power of the iPod.  He showed me a slide show he had assembled using pictures of his son on a carousel, deftly adding speech bubbles and musical accompaniment, taking simple pictures and turning them into a powerful, moving presentation where fantasy and reality combine to make magic.  It changed my iPod touch from a simple game playing, music listening wonder into a trans-formative electronic machine with supernatural powers of transmogrification   An act for which my wife has never forgiven him.  Since they don't often see each other it is not a big deal for either.

As is plain to see Bil and the iPhone are made to be together, it was inevitable.  In many ways it was like a heavyweight boxing match, (incidentally, Bil is the only person I know who has ever participated in chess boxing, not that it has anything to do with this, but it is another interesting fact about Bil), where Bil and the iPhone were circling, waiting, feinting, jabbing, counter jabbing, (not unlike a date, really) until they could no longer stay apart.  And in a mad rush to the center of the ring they opened on each other with a flurry of lefts, rights, hay-makers, and round houses, punch after brutal punch, locked in a death match, pounding away at each other until they were both lying, flat on their backs, unable to move in the center of the ring, as the referee counted them both out. Well, maybe not quite like that.

Let's just say it was long overdue.  So, wherever you may be reading this, whatever else you may be doing, please put that aside and join me in giving Bil a round of applause.  He may only have one L but he has an iPhone, plus, he is a pretty cool guy.