Snow and Cold, or a cold.

Lately I’ve been wrestling with a cold, the cold has been winning. But, it is only a matter of time before I gain the upper hand and vanquish the virus or bacteria, or whatever. Or it will change into something worse, maybe pneumonia or bronchitis, and my doctor will have to intercede on my behalf, and together we will win. Or, it will slowly worsen, changing, worsening in imperceptible ways until it consumes me in feverish exhaustion and sends me to live with my ancestors. They probably aren’t all that keen on having me hanging around whining about a minor illness and are overtly rooting for me to make a full recovery.

But, such is the meat of the cold. It isn’t as if you are sick, not really sick, but not really well either. You can’t spend all day in bed. You have to carry on as best you can. 

Today that means shoveling snow. It is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. It is over two weeks past Christmas so the timing is a little off. And I have a cold so the timing is terrible. But, I am in the middle of a Fit Bit challenge and am getting my almost sick butt kicked up one side and down the other. So, some time shoveling snow might move me from bottom to middle. Ah, the joys of not being last. 

I am currently 4th out of five people, despite making a trip to the grocery store last night. It is impossible for me to go to the store without making a few side trips. I have to check it out. Who knows what kind of progress they have made in groceries since my last visit. Grocery display technique is a fast moving field, and I refuse to be left behind. Even if I am almost sick, or a little sick, or just a whiny little baby, as has been suggested.

Unfortunately I was too preoccupied to really enjoy my trip to the store. It was cold, snowy and slick, and all I could think about was getting my new car home before some careless, malignant bastard smashed into it.. The streets are filled with cars driven by people on their phone, sending texts, maybe answering an emaill, all just seconds away from sliding into the side of my car. “Be careful,” I want to scream, but they wouldn’t hear anyway. They are too busy.

Colds do have one redeeming feature. “Feed a cold.” It may be an old wive’s tale, but it is gospel to me. Of course, I also believe in feeding a fever, or a sprained ankle, or osteoarthritis. So, I may not be the best source for treatment advice. Unless you are looking for an excuse to have pizza rolls for your breakfast appetizer, and then huevos rancheros for breakfast, with a side of tortilla chips covered in chili and cheese. Then I am a great place for all of your food as over the counter medicine advice.

Winter Hits the Local News. Oh the horror.

Central Ohio has been cursed with warm, wonderful weather until recently. Highs in the 60's, low's in the 30's, some rain, and some sun, and some pleasantness. But, that changed, winter has come to visit. Not terrible winter, no polar vortex, no bone chilling, below zero, life force draining weather invasion, just a small dose of winter. We can take it.

But, it has been very hard on the local news broadcasts. "Team Coverage" of a light snow falling gently on a gradually waking city does not do much for ratings. They deserve some applause for effort, though.

One  intrepid reporter was sent north of the city, where there might have been a little more snow, marginally. He was lucky enough to find a shallow ditch in an abandoned field where undisturbed snow had peacefully accumulated to a noticeable level.

With the camera following his every move he waded bravely into the once pure snow, almost 2 inches high, and said breathlessly, "you can see the accumulation, as my tracks lead me back to the safety of the road." It made me realize how fortunate I was not to have to brave that snow covered field today. Oh, thank you kind hand of fate.

The meteorologist told us that it was only a light snow, and there would be several breaks, but, it would continue, on and off, lightly for most of the day, or at least until early afternoon. I'm praying that I get away.

Wet freeways, and a frantic traffic reporter caused general delays in the commute. "Even though the Department of Transportation has been clearing roads and spreading salt nonstop for the last two days, the snowfall has made the roads a little wet. So leave early, and drive slowly, inch along like you are walking on ice." And they did. Safety first, even before common sense.

There was another report from the Public School bus lot, where despite the seasonable cold, and light snow buses were running without delay, or even inconvenience (until reaching the freeway anyway). But I was making lunches, and did not hear how they were planning on dealing with the normalcy of the conditions. Which is alright, I am not that brave, anyway.

But, now I am safely at work, and hunkering down for a long day of watching the mild winter storm choke the life from the city I love, gently, slowly and only until early afternoon.

March Insanity.

Here at Life Explained we are big, big sports fans.  We enjoy the thrill of competition, the noble pursuit of victory, the never ending chase of perfection.  And, we enjoy it from our couches and recliners, with a big plate of nachos, and a couple of beers.  We were particularly excited for this years cold, and flu season.  It is a wide open race to the top seed in the cold and flu playoffs!

The last couple of seasons there was a clear favorite to win the cold and flu championship.  A lead pipe lock to the cold and flu title.  Not this year, it is a whole new game.  Sure, there are a couple of heavy hitters that look like they could go all the way.  But, it could be the year of the underdog.

The bird flu (H5N1, for those of you with a score card) is looking pretty tough, but what do you expect from a group of creatures that figured out how to fly thousands of years ago.  You know they are always going to come up with a contender.  It is always a safe bet.


But, the swine flu (H1N1, if you are thinking of looking at the latest line from Vegas) is making a late season run, too.  Trust me, pigs really know how to generate some germy stuff, including virus'.  Just grab yourself a BLT, and check out the nearest pig pen.  They are, at the very least, unsanitary, and probably worse, filthy, (as a side note, my mother always said my room at home was the worst looking pig sty she had ever seen, when pressed for details she assured me it was a very complicated grading process, one I would never understand).  It is obvious hygiene means little to the average swine.

Anyway, it is a very exciting season, and we have started a pool.  Anybody can play, just send your completed bracket and $5.00 to us at;

The Top Secret Life Explained Headquarters,
****************
**********. ** *****
(address redacted)

 If you win we will send you the money, we promise, you can trust us.

"It is Time to Face Reality."

"Hey, do you mind if we dance with your dates?"

With this latest snow storm I am afraid we have gone beyond mere, average, mortal winter, and we are now forced to face some sort of super villain winter, it is like the Joker of winters.  This is not winter, the season, this is winter, the invasion.  We are no longer surviving winter, we are being beaten into submission by winter.   This is almost historically bad, Winter, the Terrible.

"Oh, my, what lovely weather we are having,
you, ungrateful puny humans."

There are those who will say, "oh, winters used to be a lot worse than this.  I remember the winters of my childhood, and this is pretty nice, by comparison."  But, what those people are experiencing is called "Confabulation" which is a "memory disturbance" mostly the fabrication, or distortion of memories.   Either that, or they are talking about the extinction event after the comet smashed into the Earth, and the dust clouds covered the sun, and the temperature plummeted, and the dinosaurs were removed from the equation.  But, taking a quick glance at their birth date on their Medicare cards will let you know whether they are "crazy," or just really old.

It is time we face the facts, winter is here to stay.  And that is OK, as long as you are prepared, and that is what we are going to help you with today.  Remember to wear layers, layers of clothes, at least 4, but when you hit 15 you have probably gone too far, have someone help you remove a couple, as you are probably immobile by now.  Hats, and gloves are a must, the hat should go on the head and the gloves in your pockets, so you can still change songs on your phone, grab your coffee, snack on your donut (nobody wants glove lint on their doughnut, what are we animals?), and other critically important driving tasks.

In situations like these, you will see many people whose cars have become stuck, in snow banks, ditches, medians, the backs of other cars, repossession trucks, the hazards are countless in these conditions.  Remember, these are people, like you (your brothers and sisters in the family of man), who, by the whim of cruel coincidence, and through no fault of their own, have become ensnared in the harsh entanglements of winter.  You have an obligation, a duty, a responsibility to these people, so slow down as you drive past, in the warmth and comfort of your car, and try to look distressed.  Glance at your watch, as though you are in a big hurry.  Try not to make eye contact, it would be very unkind to get their hopes up, suckers, anyway.

When you get to work, make sure to grab the parking spot that is closest to the door, it is probably icy, and old Mildred has a walker which gives her a little extra stability.  And Bob, from accounting always wears those compression socks for his phlebitis, and, deep vein thrombosis, and, they look pretty warm.  Hey, it ain't your fault your healthy.

Now you are prepared to face the day, bitter cold beyond belief, and get to work, and into the building.  Tomorrow we cover getting home in the exciting conclusion, "Reaching Escape Velocity," or "How to Act Like You Have Accomplished Something."

The Hazards of the Winter Commute.

Today's commute was particularly challenging.  There was, of course, the normal winter problems, little snarls, that add time and a bit of complication to the daily drive, icy ramps, and bridges, and slow drivers who should have stayed home (if you can't handle a little snow take the bus, right?) and suicidal maniacs who drive as if they are being pursued by demons from the deepest, blackest pits, frozen icy patches be damned.  

Compounding these normal traffic hurdles were the ice bergs forming around sound some of the slower moving vehicles, and the roaming, marauding polar bears, who obviously mistook the off black Honda Civic in front of me for a seal, and were ripping the car to pieces trying to get at the tasty morsels, nestled screaming and wailing, inside.  You know, stopping to help would have been a good idea, but after leaving the house kind of late, and the slow down on the ramp it was touch and go about getting to work on time.

You know, you really can't blame the polar bears, (one of whom distinctly said, "you know, they taste a lot like chicken.") bears hunt and eat, it's called survival.  However, those Eskimos could find a much better place than the freeway to build their igloos!  All of those whale remains are very slick on the Fifth Ave. Curve, it is a hazard, and someone should petition city council, someone who isn't so late for work, of course.

Well, I am almost at work, so stay warm, stay dry, and watch out for the wolves they are moving south along the freeway, following the caribou, it is really slowing down traffic.  A word to the wise, don't get out of the car to snap a few photos, ravenous, hunting wolf packs are not the best subjects for Instagram, and your loved ones will have trouble collecting your life insurance if you've been devoured.