Football Season, A Love / Hate Relationship.

Saturday is the first day of the college football season. There is a certain feeling that follows quickly on the heels of the opening day kickoff.  After seeing a team play it can become difficult to entertain illusions of invincibility.  Before the first game teams are filled with Supermen, supreme beings, monstrous, murderous, animals, fast, flexible and beastly, unfeeling, and incapable of anything resembling compassion or empathy.

After the first game there may be some misgivings, it might seem like they are a little too kind, maybe a little too generous.  On a few plays they really made that team look good.  Sure, everybody should feel proud about their performance, but, charity begins at home, right.

Fortunately, it is just the first week and nobody really plays anybody good.  Except, of course, for those teams that play opponents with a significant advantage in size, speed and budget (funny how those three things travel in a pack).  How the small schools of the world should be pitied, traveling long distances for a paycheck and a painful loss.  But, the teams with the most fans normally win on the first weekend.  The University of Idaho football team probably has very good fans, fans who represent the university admirably on those long, cross country trips to Gainesville, but try to find a Vandal shirt in your local sporting good store (it is such a cool name, I would have one if they were easy to find).

But, until that first weekend all is well with the world, and after the first weekend things are not a lot worse.   No matter what happens though, it is the place of a fan to remember past glories as the most glorious, and look at the future as a promised land, filled with championships, trophies, and unbelievable success.

Such is the life of a fan.  Sports teams are a device used to bring esteem, and self worth.  When the prowess and ability of others is a source of fulfillment and they fall a little short it is only natural to feel bitter and resentful, screaming at the television, and cursing so loudly and profanely that your dog blushes, a little.

But, there is always next year.

Football, The Season of Our Discontent.

Football season kicks off soon and it is time to start preparing, time to take inventory of your favorite teams chances at winning "it all."  If they can't win it all they have had a terrible season, filled with heartache, drama, and blown calls, stupid referees, anyway.  Does your team have what it takes to be the team, bring home the title, vanquish their foes, destroy their opponents, and enjoy the confetti, and adulation that will pour down?   

Here are some things to look for.  Do they have "good moral?"  A team with bad moral might as well play on a field strewn with broken glass, and toxic waste.  It is one of the most important components of that elusive team "Chemistry."  There is no point in even trying without team "Chemistry."  Of course, some teams have taken "Chemistry" to levels that fall far outside the rules, in an effort to boost moral from mediocre, past good, and into stratospheric.  Too much moral building can be ruinous, and lead to extended "vacation days" for players. 

Another good sign would be the recognition that the team is prepared to "take it one game at a time."  This is so important, teams that try to violate this principal are doomed to lackluster performance, and a season that is remembered for insignificance, and defeat.  On rare occasion teams with many talented players, and a wealth of coaching experience can play two games at a time, provided the opponents are painfully incompetent, and helpless, but it is absolutely vital to inform the officials, so they can account for the wide variety of uniforms, and players present. 

Of course, no team can hope for even a moderate amount of success unless they have re-established their swagger.  You will know your team is headed in the proper direction as soon as a player boasts "we have our swagger back."   Unfortunately, for those freshly re-swaggered teams that normally leads to the addition of a "bulls eye on our back," which will enrage the opposing team to such an extent that your team "will get their best shot, every game."   Experts are still debating whether the bulls eye is beneficial or not. 

It goes without saying that no team can hope for even the tiniest amount of success without the requisite amount of "good speed."  Slow, tiresome, and ineffective, teams without "good speed" might as well play their whole season in one game, that is how astronomical the odds that are stacked against them.  It has been that way since the dawn of time, the ancient Sumerians knew "and thus it is prophesied, any team that ploddeth onto the playing field with poor speed is doomed from the coin toss."  It was really the secret to the success of the Great Khan, and his Mongolian armies.  In fact he is quoted as saying after destroying the Western Xia Dynasty, "you know, Brent (yes, Brent Musburger has been covering sports that long) we had "good success" today, because we had all of that "good speed" and they were slow like children, carrying bricks, through mud."  Not really, Genghis Khan did not give a lot of interviews, but his teams were fast, and angry, and ruthless, and fearless...  Really all of the things you want in your modern day football team. 

Now you have enough to assess your teams chances this year.  We will update you on the visual cues to watch for as the season progresses, if for example, the coach stumbles onto the field carrying bottle of Muscatel, and spends the whole game sleeping on one of the benches, using the sports page as a blanket, you know it might be a good year to catch up on those back issues of Popular Mechanics, maybe you can finally get around to building that self sustaining eco system in the basement, in case of apocalypse.  Don't worry that your wife, neighbors, children and co-workers think you are crazy, they are probably right, but it is better than watching your favorite football team self destruct on television. 

March Insanity.

Here at Life Explained we are big, big sports fans.  We enjoy the thrill of competition, the noble pursuit of victory, the never ending chase of perfection.  And, we enjoy it from our couches and recliners, with a big plate of nachos, and a couple of beers.  We were particularly excited for this years cold, and flu season.  It is a wide open race to the top seed in the cold and flu playoffs!

The last couple of seasons there was a clear favorite to win the cold and flu championship.  A lead pipe lock to the cold and flu title.  Not this year, it is a whole new game.  Sure, there are a couple of heavy hitters that look like they could go all the way.  But, it could be the year of the underdog.

The bird flu (H5N1, for those of you with a score card) is looking pretty tough, but what do you expect from a group of creatures that figured out how to fly thousands of years ago.  You know they are always going to come up with a contender.  It is always a safe bet.


But, the swine flu (H1N1, if you are thinking of looking at the latest line from Vegas) is making a late season run, too.  Trust me, pigs really know how to generate some germy stuff, including virus'.  Just grab yourself a BLT, and check out the nearest pig pen.  They are, at the very least, unsanitary, and probably worse, filthy, (as a side note, my mother always said my room at home was the worst looking pig sty she had ever seen, when pressed for details she assured me it was a very complicated grading process, one I would never understand).  It is obvious hygiene means little to the average swine.

Anyway, it is a very exciting season, and we have started a pool.  Anybody can play, just send your completed bracket and $5.00 to us at;

The Top Secret Life Explained Headquarters,
****************
**********. ** *****
(address redacted)

 If you win we will send you the money, we promise, you can trust us.

Rampaging Chickens.

According to a report in Sioux Falls Argus Leader, "Residents will need a license to own more than six chickens in the city limit."  This article was directly above the help wanted ad for "Municipal Chicken Counters, no experience necessary."

It may be a reform that is long past due.  Perhaps the city of Sioux Falls is about to be buried alive under domestic chickens.  There are so many good reasons for this sort of legislation.

Often, though, these laws, good intentioned though they may be, have unforeseen consequences.  What is going to happen to the 7th and 8th chickens in the yard of the Smiths on 9th street?  Here is a picture taken outside of a convenience store.  Clearly, this is not what the cautious and careful members of the Sioux Falls City Council had in mind while considering this law. 


But, the chicken is out of the bag now, and a terrified nation can only hope that it gets straightened out before tourist season is completely ruined.

Please, elected officials, legislate with care, the trusting citizens of this nation depend on your Solomon like wisdom.