In Your Face, Old Man Winter,

I have been in a rut lately. It might be the polar vortex, the low pressure (or high pressure) really bends perception, or increases acuity. Plus, the cold slows blood flow, hearts labor under the increased load, trying to keep all the extremities warm and safe, And the shorter days twists all of our internal clocks into odd shapes and days seem to play on endless loops. Wake, work, eat, sleep. Over and over, trapped inside, no hope of escape.

Recently, we found the camera we use on the kayak. A cheap GoPro imitator, but it is sturdy and comes in a waterproof case. Moreover, it had the real world benefit of being cheap. Plus, it was on a clearance site so it was even cheaper. We don't get too extreme about anything, so it seemed like a good idea. And, it has been, kind of, on and off, in a way.

For one thing, we never do very much that requires an "action camera." We could probably get by with a "relaxed camera." Which doesn't make for thrilling video to begin with. And, since we are more relaxed in our pursuit of activity sometimes I can't find the camera. Then, when you aren't looking for it there it is.  Maybe it knows when you are in need of a little reminder of what warmth looks like. Or maybe I was just looking for something else and stumbled onto it. Either way, I was happy to see the little movies of kayaking. The promise of things to come.

Of course, it is not an expensive camera and it the movies are saved as AVI. This causes problems since I use an iPhone and it is not compatible, at all. You would think converting them to another format would be easy, and it might be, but it is consuming the day life. I've tried different apps on my phone, the internet, so far nothing. But, I haven't given up.

I have, lately, become obsessed with making videos. Below is my latest to announce the winner of last month's Holiday's Edition of Tim's Jukebox. It isn't much, but it is a big improvement on the previous attempts. Practice makes tolerable, right?

If you like it and want to see another one go vote, after you read my column.here. Even if you don't want to see video this month's songs will cheer you up.

To further improve my outlook my wife gave me a new pen/capacitive touch screen stylus. Just looking at it makes me happy.

So, in the words of the Grateful Dead, "nothing left to do but smile, smile, smile." Kind of like my new pen.

New England

Thanks Tim for allowing me an office here. The water is fantastic trickling down from the glaciers of the Rocky Mountains...oh wait. That's a beer commercial!

Speaking of water and ice, I got out a little yesterday. There was no danger of slipping on ice for its been above freezing for the last few days.

I purposely remembered my camera so I could share some of where I live which is a vast difference to where I grew up. The ironic thing is that my son's father, son and daughter migrated to where it's warmer.

Here is my walk.

St. Johnsbury, Vermont
I used to walk this hill almost every day to get to where I worked.

St. Johnsbury, Vermont

The house' and apartment's steeples facinated me when I first got here and still do.

A typical winter New England day.

100 Exquisite Adjectives
By Mark Nichol

I love words and came across a list of them. I'm going to add a word a day to my posts as long as I don't forget.

Word #8

Bellicose: quarrelsome (its synonym belligerent can also be a noun)

I had to leave my friend alone. He was too bellicose to make any sence. 

Winter Hits the Local News. Oh the horror.

Central Ohio has been cursed with warm, wonderful weather until recently. Highs in the 60's, low's in the 30's, some rain, and some sun, and some pleasantness. But, that changed, winter has come to visit. Not terrible winter, no polar vortex, no bone chilling, below zero, life force draining weather invasion, just a small dose of winter. We can take it.

But, it has been very hard on the local news broadcasts. "Team Coverage" of a light snow falling gently on a gradually waking city does not do much for ratings. They deserve some applause for effort, though.

One  intrepid reporter was sent north of the city, where there might have been a little more snow, marginally. He was lucky enough to find a shallow ditch in an abandoned field where undisturbed snow had peacefully accumulated to a noticeable level.

With the camera following his every move he waded bravely into the once pure snow, almost 2 inches high, and said breathlessly, "you can see the accumulation, as my tracks lead me back to the safety of the road." It made me realize how fortunate I was not to have to brave that snow covered field today. Oh, thank you kind hand of fate.

The meteorologist told us that it was only a light snow, and there would be several breaks, but, it would continue, on and off, lightly for most of the day, or at least until early afternoon. I'm praying that I get away.

Wet freeways, and a frantic traffic reporter caused general delays in the commute. "Even though the Department of Transportation has been clearing roads and spreading salt nonstop for the last two days, the snowfall has made the roads a little wet. So leave early, and drive slowly, inch along like you are walking on ice." And they did. Safety first, even before common sense.

There was another report from the Public School bus lot, where despite the seasonable cold, and light snow buses were running without delay, or even inconvenience (until reaching the freeway anyway). But I was making lunches, and did not hear how they were planning on dealing with the normalcy of the conditions. Which is alright, I am not that brave, anyway.

But, now I am safely at work, and hunkering down for a long day of watching the mild winter storm choke the life from the city I love, gently, slowly and only until early afternoon.

Part II of the polar expedition (Yes, another Multi part post)

We made it back from our tour of the Midwest. An area ravaged by cold, icy conditions. The devastation was horrifying.

In some places the temperature dropped below 20 degrees Fahrenheit! And, hardly ever climbed above 32. I don't think it takes a dog with a PhD. to tell you that it freezing cold. But, if it does here you go.

Hit particularly hard was Avoca IA, where the Taco Johns (in the Wings American Travel Center and Truck Stop, between American Pie and the jacket store (see photo at right)) actually ran out of the spicy, hot green sauce. Yes, completely out. Oh, the inhumanity. We actually had to have our combination burrito with the red hot sauce, which is good, but not as good, and not nearly as hot as the green.






But, we soldiered on, with our less than ideal burrito, and our Potato Oles (a tex mex tater tot sort of thing, sinfully delicious). Eventually ending up in Omaha, where the temperatures were hovering in the mid teens. It was so cold they closed the Scheels sporting goods store at 6;00 PM. Of course, that worked out ok, because it was New Years Eve.

We are back, in Ohio, and the cold weather has followed us. Things are not looking bright, temperatures are dipping dangerously close to the low 20s. Life is slowly being destroyed by the inexorable cold. We will keep reporting as long as possible. There is no way of knowing how long we can hold out.

And now a word from our sponsor. Maize in Champaign Il. The best place in Champaign to get a burrito.

Hey, mind if I stop by?

My family has a decidedly agrarian history.  We trace our roots, as far as I have traced them anyway, to the Northern Great Plains.  I still have family there, and whether they like it or not I stay in touch.  Since I live so far away, it normally does not bother them too much.  Every couple of years or so, though, I show up, (appetite in hand, pining for a beer) similar to allergies, or gastritis.  Uncomfortable, recurring afflictions, that are too persistent, and painful to ignore, with no known cure.  They feed me, give me a few beers, and hope I don't last too long.

You may wonder why I bring this up (and may be starting to side with my family).  Don't worry, I'm getting there.  Today, one of my cousins updated her Facebook Picture to a smiling, happy, comfortably, yet fashionably dressed photo of herself, taken, obviously, in warmth, and sunshine.  I commented that it looked so warm we should visit in January.  My wife will lecture me tonight, pointing out that I should have commented on how nice my cousin looked, instead of the weather.  But, she wasn't around and it is my cousin, after all.

Anyway, my cousin said we would be welcome.  This might have been because she wasn't home, which is normally when people (particularly people who know me) want me to show up.  And, my cousin added that the picture was from warmer times, and if we waited until we normally showed up we could suffer through the blistering, humid summer instead of the bitter, bone chilling arctic winter.  Then she apologized for complaining about the insufferable heat, while still dealing with the crippling cold.

People should not worry about those things, though.  Man was meant to complain, that is why we have voices.  So we can raise them in unison, in a glorious, harmonious, chorus of complaining and whining, mostly about the weather.

If you watch the news they spend an inordinate amount of time covering the weather.  Radar, and Doppler Radar, and Weather Center Analysis, to bring you the breaking news that it may snow.  Or, it is going to be cold, and rainy.  Shiny maps, with animated graphics tell the tale of impending frost, or wind chill, or freezing rain, or drenching rain.  There are so many things to worry about.

You may still be wondering why I bring this up, and I can't really say anymore, who knows?  I certainly can't remember.  It had something to do with a trip to the grocery store last weekend.  My wife and I went through the self checkout line, where you can experience all of the excitement of retail employment, all the thrills of products that won't scan correctly, all of the drama coupons being declined, and prices being incorrect, lines filled with sighing, angry people backing up as far as the eye can see, without all of that pesky pay and benefits.

As we finished, I noticed there was a loaf of bread in one of the bags.  Someone had bought the bread, and forgotten to take it home, and it was as good as ours.  It was just waiting for me to pick it up, put it in the same hand as the groceries we had struggled and scraped, and fought our way through the store to buy.  It was found income without the 50% tax rate.  Oh, glorious day.

Then I remembered.  That is almost exactly what happened to Jean Valjean.  A free loaf of bread did not sound so appetizing anymore.  I rushed it over to the person supervising the area, looking to avoid the gendarme.  Ready to bolt, a life on the run, no hope for redemption.  But, they wouldn't take me alive!

It is lost in the crazy workings of a Friday, but somewhere my cousin is responsible for this.  That is certain, what is less clear is how.  But, I have a whole weekend to come up with something.

Wow, this is different.

Something has gone terribly right.  It is an inexplicable, unforeseen, unbelievable occurrence.  Looking back we have found no evidence of anything remotely similar to this ever happening.  We are not even sure of the best way to report on something so unusual, something so unlikely, something heretofore unseen in the world.  So, we will just come right out and tell you.

Central Ohio weather is wonderful right now, and is predicted to stay that way for the next week.  Yes, believe it or not, our weather is almost heavenly, cool, comfortable nights, warm, dry days.  It is as if the "Paradise Vortex," has come to Columbus, and it has brought a wave of pleasantness never before seen.

Historians are scrambling to find anything similar and are at a complete loss.  Meteorologists are confounded by reporting things people actually want to hear.  Biblical scholars are uncertain of the portent, but are pretty sure that it spells big trouble.

There is scientific evidence that this current front of uncommonly wonderful weather is improving attitudes, and providing a general sense of well being throughout the region.  Please see scientifically accurate chart.


What the future holds is anybodies guess, certainly anything is possible, and there is no reason to believe that this aberration is not the opening salvo of a brutal, terrible winter, but hey I am going to enjoy it while I have the chance.  Kick scooter, here I come, look for pictures right here, later today!

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Greco Roman Shopping.

This is my one of my favorite times of year.  The changing of the season, not neccesarily outside, where the Polar Vortex has an iron grip on this part of the country.  No, it is when they start stocking cargo shorts, swim suits and flip flops on the store shelves.  

But, the best part of this is how the extra jeans, insulated under garments, jackets, and boots go on sale, sometimes deeply discounted.   Sure, the selection can be limited, and by fashion standards the styles can be a little dated, but so am I.  And, we (my wife and I) think saving money is always fashionable.  

Of course, next winter, when the snow flies and the temperature drops there is always the possibility that I will have and accident, say I slip on the ice walking across the parking lot at the senior center, on my way to the bingo championship quarter finals, and in the ambulance when they cut the leg off my pants to examine my damaged knee, there will be some snickering among the EMTs about insulated under pants I am wearing that are "so last year."  I could live with that.  The real key is to carry the reciept with you always, so in these situations you can say, "but look how much I saved.  And, could I have a shot of bourbon with that pain killer, just to top it off, a little, you know?"

Plus, there is always the thrill of the hunt while shopping the clearance racks.  When you wrestle that stocking hat (75% off) from that jack booted woman with the expensive purse, talking on her smart phone, you will know you are truly alive, unless she kills you, which is always a possibility.   But, these are the chances you take.

"It is Time to Face Reality."

"Hey, do you mind if we dance with your dates?"

With this latest snow storm I am afraid we have gone beyond mere, average, mortal winter, and we are now forced to face some sort of super villain winter, it is like the Joker of winters.  This is not winter, the season, this is winter, the invasion.  We are no longer surviving winter, we are being beaten into submission by winter.   This is almost historically bad, Winter, the Terrible.

"Oh, my, what lovely weather we are having,
you, ungrateful puny humans."

There are those who will say, "oh, winters used to be a lot worse than this.  I remember the winters of my childhood, and this is pretty nice, by comparison."  But, what those people are experiencing is called "Confabulation" which is a "memory disturbance" mostly the fabrication, or distortion of memories.   Either that, or they are talking about the extinction event after the comet smashed into the Earth, and the dust clouds covered the sun, and the temperature plummeted, and the dinosaurs were removed from the equation.  But, taking a quick glance at their birth date on their Medicare cards will let you know whether they are "crazy," or just really old.

It is time we face the facts, winter is here to stay.  And that is OK, as long as you are prepared, and that is what we are going to help you with today.  Remember to wear layers, layers of clothes, at least 4, but when you hit 15 you have probably gone too far, have someone help you remove a couple, as you are probably immobile by now.  Hats, and gloves are a must, the hat should go on the head and the gloves in your pockets, so you can still change songs on your phone, grab your coffee, snack on your donut (nobody wants glove lint on their doughnut, what are we animals?), and other critically important driving tasks.

In situations like these, you will see many people whose cars have become stuck, in snow banks, ditches, medians, the backs of other cars, repossession trucks, the hazards are countless in these conditions.  Remember, these are people, like you (your brothers and sisters in the family of man), who, by the whim of cruel coincidence, and through no fault of their own, have become ensnared in the harsh entanglements of winter.  You have an obligation, a duty, a responsibility to these people, so slow down as you drive past, in the warmth and comfort of your car, and try to look distressed.  Glance at your watch, as though you are in a big hurry.  Try not to make eye contact, it would be very unkind to get their hopes up, suckers, anyway.

When you get to work, make sure to grab the parking spot that is closest to the door, it is probably icy, and old Mildred has a walker which gives her a little extra stability.  And Bob, from accounting always wears those compression socks for his phlebitis, and, deep vein thrombosis, and, they look pretty warm.  Hey, it ain't your fault your healthy.

Now you are prepared to face the day, bitter cold beyond belief, and get to work, and into the building.  Tomorrow we cover getting home in the exciting conclusion, "Reaching Escape Velocity," or "How to Act Like You Have Accomplished Something."

Monday, the Day of Joy.

Yesterday was the Ground Hog Day, and the Super Bowl.  How are we supposed to survive that much intensity in one day.  Several people in Ohio were rushed to the emergency room because of the excitement.  Of course, the real cause for concern, and anxiety, and the resulting heart palpitations, and stress related ailments that had Ohio EMTs running without break, was the fact that Puxsatawney Phil claimed there would be 10 more weeks of winter, and Buckeye Chuck (the lesser known, but equally Marmot Rodent furry meteorologist from Ohio) said there was going to be an early spring.

In Ohio it is very bad form to malign anything Buckeye, (particularly the peanut butter filled chocolate confections that are designed and produced to look exactly like buckeyes, but are especially delicious, unlike the real buckeye nut which is inedible, and used mostly for jewelry) and everybody wants winter to end.  And, after the Polar Vortex has invaded twice, leaving a trail of frigid, icy destruction, winter is even less welcome.  But, Puxsatawney Phil is the original, he was even in a movie, and has had years to refine he weather predicting skills.  Nobody wants to bet against that kind of legacy.

Obviously, the only antidote for this kind of dilemma is a hard fought, close football game that goes right to the end and could be won by either team.  An epic struggle between equally matched opponents, decided by the skill, or athletic ability, or coaching wisdom of one team in the final seconds.  A game both teams, winner and loser, walk away from with pride...

Oops, that bowl was not very "super" at all.

Well, at least the weekend is over, and we can all get back to work, and forget all of the troubles that  plague our time off.  Now, we don't have to worry about all of that decision making, free will, now we can just take it easy and let someone else do all of the thinking for us.

Thank God, for Monday!

The Weekend, What Life is About.

At long last it is Friday.  Friday,a gift from the heavens, a reward for having survived the week, and we did, but it was not always easy, there were a few bumps along the way, no week worth living through will allow unfettered passage.

Monday, there was snow, it had piled up, over the weekend, and it was a white curse, deep, imposing and dreadful.  Sunday, I dug out the driveway, and the sidewalk.  It was not easy, and it gave me an elevated sense self worth.  There was so much snow many of our neighbors had just left it, waiting for the inevitable central Ohio rain to come and wash it all away (coming tomorrow, coincidentally).  Monday, while I was at work the snow plow came through our neighborhood, and while clearing the streets by pushing the snow to the side of the road, managed to bury the entrance to our driveway under a cold, compressed barrier of snow.   Turning it dark, and dingy, and compacted into a substance a little like concrete, immovable, unbreakable, and, awful.  It is still there, taking its toll on our suspension, tires, and patience.

To combat snow the city sends plows to push the snow out of the way, and dump "road salt" all over the freeways, and thank goodness for that, there are enough videos showing cars spinning out of control and slamming into things already.  Nobody wants their 15 minutes of fame to come in an expensive, terrifying ballet of ice-inspired mechanical failure.  It is probably not, technically, salt, it is probably some chemical mixture, but whatever it is after a short time it covers almost everything, and everywhere you go everything you see looks ashen, grey and dead.  It's not bad enough winter is slowly strangling your will to live, but the entire city starts to look like a scene from a post apocalyptic future.  A future where some seemingly benign creation of man somehow went haywire and blocked all of the suns rays that provide color, and warmth, and life.  Personally I am betting on those cursed E-Cigarette things that are popping up all over.  All that "vapor" (vapor, yeah, right) can't be good.

Tuesday and, Wednesday brought cold, mind numbing cold that settles into your bones and stays until almost July.  In the past this was a "cold snap," or a "blast of winter" in some extreme cases it was an "arctic front," moving through.  But, with the advent of twenty four hour news, sports, and weather networks all of those sound so skimpy, so finite.  Now, it is a "Polar Vortex!"  There is a phrase that will make you zip up your jacket a little higher, pull down your stocking cap a little lower, and send local meteorologists rushing for the microphone, and a gimmick.  "It is so cold, Marybeth Anne, we are going to do the weather forecast outside tonight."  Wow, it must be cold!  I said to my wife just the other night, "look at that poor local meteorologist toiling outside in the cold, just like a sanitation engineer, or a first responder, what a brave soul."

But, now we have arrived safely at our destination, Friday, the gateway to the weekend, freedom from the alarm clock, freedom from a hurried good bye, and a mad dash to the car, freedom from the oppressive commute, and the peril involved in driving 70 miles an hour on a road filled with people who probably didn't get enough sleep, and are running a few minutes late, and are bound and determined to make up for lost time by passing everybody on the freeway, even if that requires the use of the shoulder or median, while they finish their breakfast, god, I hope it isn't pancakes today.

But, soon I will be home, safe and sound, enjoying dinner, and a recording of the Cornhuskers beating the Hoosiers in basketball,  Thank you, Coach Miles!  There is something refreshing about that guy, kind of like the weekend.

The Hazards of the Winter Commute.

Today's commute was particularly challenging.  There was, of course, the normal winter problems, little snarls, that add time and a bit of complication to the daily drive, icy ramps, and bridges, and slow drivers who should have stayed home (if you can't handle a little snow take the bus, right?) and suicidal maniacs who drive as if they are being pursued by demons from the deepest, blackest pits, frozen icy patches be damned.  

Compounding these normal traffic hurdles were the ice bergs forming around sound some of the slower moving vehicles, and the roaming, marauding polar bears, who obviously mistook the off black Honda Civic in front of me for a seal, and were ripping the car to pieces trying to get at the tasty morsels, nestled screaming and wailing, inside.  You know, stopping to help would have been a good idea, but after leaving the house kind of late, and the slow down on the ramp it was touch and go about getting to work on time.

You know, you really can't blame the polar bears, (one of whom distinctly said, "you know, they taste a lot like chicken.") bears hunt and eat, it's called survival.  However, those Eskimos could find a much better place than the freeway to build their igloos!  All of those whale remains are very slick on the Fifth Ave. Curve, it is a hazard, and someone should petition city council, someone who isn't so late for work, of course.

Well, I am almost at work, so stay warm, stay dry, and watch out for the wolves they are moving south along the freeway, following the caribou, it is really slowing down traffic.  A word to the wise, don't get out of the car to snap a few photos, ravenous, hunting wolf packs are not the best subjects for Instagram, and your loved ones will have trouble collecting your life insurance if you've been devoured.

Winter Vacations for the Cheap, and Broke.

We are proud to announce the new Travel Section of the Life Explained Blog.  With the Polar Vortex screaming across the frozen landscape of Canada it is time to escape to warmer climes, more hospitable weather, a place where frozen drinks are a welcome choice, not a bitter reality.  Unfortunately, recent events (mostly the vengeful retribution of the gods of chance, at the poker table) have left us a little short on cash.  But, there are wonderful options at hand for the more frugal among us.

"What, it's going to get worse?!??!"

Yesterday, here at the Life Explained headquarters it was twenty nine bitter, windy, icy winter degrees.  And that was pretty warm when looking at the forecast.  Turns out looking at the forecast was not such a good idea, soon the walls were closing in, the room was getting smaller, desks being crushed,computers malfunctioning, emails bouncing back, phones short circuiting, lamps flickering, faxes garbled, eyesight dimming, can't breathe, cold fingers of death tightening around ...  Maybe we need to get out and, maybe we should see the world and we should do it on a budget of $1.22.  And, so can you.

We just put on our insulated coveralls, parkas and, ski masks right over the top of our cargo shorts, flowered shirts and, sun visors, load up in the car and head to the grocery store.  If you are afraid to drive in these terrible conditions we  will pick you up at your house, drive you to the local store and, take you on a trip around the world, sort of.

Hello, Mr. Chips

Don't let gloomy, cloudy, grey, dreary days get you down.  Look at these, nothing says party in the warmth like a colorful bag of tortilla chips.  A splash of lime, and a few cacti, and all of the sudden the world is a fiesta.  Man, we feel better already.

Healthy and, multilingual pancakes.

If a bag of delicious, salty tortilla chips is not enough, take a look to the heavens, or at least the signs hanging dangerously over your head, it is conveniently translated into Spanish, the language of sunshine and parties.  Everybody repeat after me, "Fantastico, can someone get me a cerveza?"

So real it might be deported.

But, we are not done yet, why settle for phony, artificial Mexican food, on this almost real trip to the wonderful country south of the deep freeze we call home, when "authentic mexican" food is one a quick grocery cart push away?  You can almost hear hear the salsa music calling you to dance, and feel the warm breeze caressing your wind chapped, raw, red, cheek, like a Mother's kiss.

We will visit one day when we have more time.

Not in the mood for a trip south?  No problem, how about a jaunt across the pond?  Fish and chips, anyone?  A few warm beers, and some more fish and chips, (all right, we admit, we don't know much about British food, and did not pay that much attention, the store employees were getting a little suspicious by this point, and we had to hurry)  and we will all be singing "God save the queen," at least we think that is a song.  Maybe you are in the mood for something Mediterranean, nice and warm there, and very hip, for very cool people.  Here you will need to fill in your own food choices, maybe some pita chips and, humus, maybe a gyro, we are not sure and, we had no time to look around, the police were searching the store one "country" at a time and, were beginning to close on our location.

Dinner,

Then a nap.

After a hard day traveling the world, one aisle at a time, it is time to head over to the "outdoor living section," and enjoy the fruits of our labor, after a quick stop in kitchen appliances and accessories to pick up a can opener, and a dash into hardware to grab a box opener. Now, we are talking vacation!  Warmth, comfort, and convenient to the restrooms.  Pass around the chips, and salsa, and pop open a few cold ones, while I run over to the electronics department to grab a tv, and one of those of little, electric grills.  Now would be an excellent time to point out the dangers of burning charcoal indoors, it emits a lethal gas that can cause security personnel to go absolutely insane.  Trust us on this.

Don't forget to tune in next weeks episode, "Asia on the run, for the price of a postage stamp."