Life Explained, The People

We, here at the Life Explained Family of Companies, like to think of ourselves as fairly moderate, reasonable people. A group of people who care about the worlds problems, and the welfare of humanity. On the whole we are kind, considerate decent human beings with a lot to offer.

Of course there are exceptions, like that jerk, Robby from Research and Development who always drinks the last cup of coffee, but is too busy to make another pot. A pox on that worthless coffee drinking, leaving the pot empty piece of filth, I hope he loses his hair.

Oh, and I heard that Phyllis and Rolando from Transportation are having a fling, not a romantic relationship, but actually tossing bits of their lunch at each other. Sandwich crusts, yogurt cups, ice from finished drinks, all hurled over the cubicle walls. What a couple of morons, they deserve each other, and a sinus infection.

Don't forget Delores from accounting, and Becky from HR, a two headed, our armed modern day Medusa. If you never have to deal with either of them it doesn't matter, they will seek you out, and try to suck the will to live out of you with an approach of maximum irritation, and unimaginable venom and loathing. I would wish something bad on them, but they terrify me, and everybody else.

And those guys from the laboratory are nothing but a bunch of thin skinned little...

Well, maybe we aren't all such decent people, but hey, I'm a nice guy. If only there were more of me this would be a lot better place.

Help Wanted, desperately, or desperate help, anyway.

Life Explained is hiring. We need a group of product testers. Fearless people who enjoy taking risks, and trying new things. A group of adventurers who love a challenge, and are not bothered by small spaces, large, open areas, heights, or ocean depths. A cadre of dedicated professionals with no family, and very little to live for.

We have decided it is time to design, build and test a device that will reduce people to a beam of energy, and shoot them across the ocean to another device that reconstitute the energy into a person, in more or less the same configuration. We are pretty sure.

Since we all know that flying is probably the worst form of transportation, except for riding on a boat, it is time to find alternatives. Until now if a person wanted to go to Europe they had to risk climbing into an elongated aluminum tube and hurtle through the air, over dangerous, dark, predator filled water, with nothing to comfort them except a brief explanation of the proper procedure to follow after a "water landing." Or, climb on huge, metal container and hope that somehow the laws of displacement and buoyancy hold true, curse you Archimedes. What better way than matter dispersal and reconfiguration. 

We are fairly confident the bugs will be insignificant. It will probably be mostly hair color, and possibly height, and depth, and perhaps width, we can't be too sure.  But, rest assured you will be reassembled, fairly accurately, at the other end.

If you have tattoos you are not happy with this is the perfect job for you. They will probably change, move some place new, and could even end up on someone else, we think.

This could, possibly, be a great way to remove warts, maybe, we think. It is still kind of early, and we don't want to get your hopes up, but you could end up looking really great.

A sense of overwhelming despair, and hopelessness is not required, but probably not a bad idea, either. Oh, by the way, this could cure depression, maybe.

If you are a trend setter, with a cavalier, devil may care attitude, and have no pets, or family that will miss you, and possibly hire a lawyer in the unlikely event things take an unexpected twist send your resume. If you're kind of a drifter with no ties, or friends of any kind, even better.  No experience required.

Life Explained, an equal opportunity employer.

The Search Continues. Now Hiring part Deux.

We posted an ad for a new CEO last week, and the response has been overwhelming.  People are lining up outside the office now, looking for an edge.  Some carrying signs, "hire me, I am perfekt for the job," or "hire me, I have a degree in 'top secret organization management,'" or "hire me, I need a job, and I know where you live."  Clearly, there are many strong candidates for the position.  But, we have also been inundated with internal candidates as well.  It seems everybody wants a chance to choose what to have for lunch.

Feeling it would be a mistake to overlook a choice that was already sucking up some of the payroll we started evaluating the prospects within.

We have always been an egalitarian group, and that isn't going to change.  Everybody contributes to the success of our organization, and everybody has a stake in our continued growth, and everybody should get a say in a matter this important.  So, we took all of the names of the people who expressed an interest in being the big kahuna, the wheel, the suit that runs the store, if you will, (oddly enough it was everybody in the whole company) and voted.

It was a close race, but in the end, it was a tie, everybody had one vote.  At first we thought Dr, Dawg won, he had two votes.  A recount revealed he had voted twice, though.

It didn't take long for that little trick to catch on and people were rushing to pens, paper and ballot box. The sound of pens, scribbling furiously, was almost unbearable, and the boxes were bulging, overflowing with scraps of paper, index cards, napkins, anything that a name could be written on.

We decided the best way to handle the promotion was an essay contest.  "How I would handle authority, and the responsibility of being in control."  Everybody turned in copies of the US Constitution, the Emancipation Proclamation, the Magna Carta.  Good examples of the use of power.  It was too hard to choose, we should have said it had to be original.

We thought about an arm wrestling contest, but Bob from the Department of Weight Lifting was too big.  Which is kind of surprising, most of did not even know we had a Weight Lifting Department.  A good executive would know these things, another reason to continue the search.

One idea that seemed plausible, taking turns, everybody would get to run the company for one day.  We setup a rotation.  Every day the CEO would be from a different department.  We felt this was the fairest method, plus it would provide a fresh perspective daily.








On the first day, Bob, from Customer service sent the following email.  

When he was informed that was probably beyond the scope of his authority, he tried to fire everyone in the company, screaming, "you will feel the wrath of Bob, the Invincible."  It took the entire secretarial pool, and the guy delivering the donuts, and cookies to subdue him.  Fortunately, none of the donuts, or cookies were damaged.

We are still looking for a CEO, and will continue our search.  If you know anybody competent, have them contact us at TweettweetJohn@yahoo.com, or leave a comment with their qualifications, educations, and list of medications below.

Thank you,

Wanted, Person to Run Top Secret Organization.

Today, we here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) are working on an organizational chart.  It is not an idle exercise.  Last week we were planning to get lunch, a little reward for a year of hard work, well not the whole year, goals reached, sometimes, accomplishments, in a way, and teamwork, occasionally.  The planning seemed simple.  All we needed to do was pick a day, a time, and a meal.

We met in Kitchen / Break Room, on the 6th floor.  That is where the party was going to be.  It made sense to have the meeting there.  We could experience the aura, ambiance, and the party details would flow from the feeling of the room.  That was the plan, anyway.

We started with a little small talk, some polite conversation.  Shortly, we commenced business.

"We should have Pizza."  Bob, from Research and Development said.  "Giuseppi's is great, close, and they deliver."

"No," Bob from Building Services, said, with emphasis.  "We have pizza all the time, my department is sick of pizza.  We should have Indian Food, it carries a wide variety flavors, and textures, it is a rainbow of options, and tastes.  We never have Indian food.  There is a great little place not too far from here.  I will pick it up myself."

Bob, from Accounting would have none of that.  "Indian food for that many people would be ridiculously expensive.  We might as well just feed everybody money."  He was angry, and it showed.  He was shaking, and his voice trembled.  "We should have a pot luck buffet, everybody can bring in their favorite dish and some paper plates, and plastic cutlery, and maybe a roll of paper towels to use as napkins.  It will be so fun, and interesting, a look into the lives of all of our associates."

"Yeah, that is a great reward for a wonderful year of sacrifice, hard work, and dedication, fix a meal for your coworkers, some of whom have been goofing off most of the year, and will probably bring something awful for lunch.  No thanks."  Bob, from Marketing, said.

Bob, the accountant threw a solar powered calculator across the table.  It bounced off of Bob the marketeers head.  He jumped up, pulled a stapler out of his briefcase, and tried to smash it into Bob, the accountants hand.  He missed, and staple stuck in Bob from R & D's sleeve.  He swung his fist, missed, and knocked a cup of ice water into the lap of Bob, I don't remember which Bob, sorry.

Things got a little out of hand, and the fight spilled over into the hallway, Bobs were wrestling, fighting, rolling down the aisles between the cubicles.  Curses, and cries of agony were echoing off of the walls.  Chairs, desks and tables were overturned, and people were starting to swing  table legs, notebooks, and computer keyboards.

Fortunately, everybody has been working so hard all year that they have not been making time to go the gym.  It did not take long for the combatants to end up laying is sweaty, panting, useless piles all over the 6th floor, and the worst injury was to Bob's hand.  He fell asleep laying on his arm, and strained his thumb.

We decided the best way to say thanks was donuts, coffee, and some money, everybody was very grateful, except for the people on the 6th floor, who are waiting on new desks, chairs, tables, and keyboards.

We decided that having one person in charge was probably a good idea.  Someone who would make the tough decisions, like what to have for lunch.   So, we developed this chart, now we need to decide who to plug into all of the slots.  If you have what it takes to run a world class, top secret, research facility, with ties to governments, and corporations around the world, and solar system, and beyond, please apply in the comments, and we will schedule an interview, unless we decide to hire a friend.

Help Wanted.

We, here at Life Explained, are hiring a tertiary dog.  Yesterday our Fail Safe Redundant Dog retired, and moved to Washington.  She plans on opening a small bakery, specializing in animal crackers, and dog biscuits.  Bella performed the role of Fail Safe Dog admirably for her entire career, keeping us safe from our coworkers, tradesmen, delivery people, and anybody who happened to walk across our parking lot as she climbed out of the car.

So Long, Bella, it was nice
to work with you,

There was always a feeling of safety, and security when you heard Bella barking at one of the office workers on their way to get a cup of coffee.  You could almost hear "if you take the last cup and are too lazy to make another pot at least shut the darned thing off so it doesn't burn and stink up the whole stupid office, why I ought to," in her eloquent, refined yapping.

It will be hard to replace Bella, she was perfectly suited for the position, and performed at a remarkable level.  Her grace, charm, and wit will be sorely missed.

But, if you think you have what it takes to be the Redundant, Tertiary Dog, here at Life Explained, please send your resume to tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com.  Your main responsibilities will be; Barking randomly at people you know, getting scratched behind the ears, leaving about a half a dogs worth of hair everywhere you go, snacking and napping.  Pays based on experience, two weeks vacation, medical, dental, and time travel insurance included.

An equal opportunity employer.