Help us in our efforts to save the world.

It was an ordinary day, here at the Life Explained Ohio Office (LEOhO). We had emptied the dish washer, made a fresh pot of coffee, and microwaved a breakfast burrito. Egg, jalapeno and cheese, (El Monterey, on sale at Kroger* for eighty nine cents**). When it struck us, we have expanded!

This is the big time. We have a top secret facility in the Great North East, (LENO) where they specialize in technology to enhance the performance of athletes through applied technology. Mostly, it seems like they use the time honored tradition of applying the right force, to bend the rules enough to give one team an advantage. It is next level stuff, the kind of thing you would expect from a world class facility.

Now we are introducing a Top Secret Facility in India (LEIO, or something, I don't know that we have the appropriate acronym yet). So far this office specializes in a more metaphysical examination of the expansion of self awareness. Using techniques heretofore thought impossible our officer in charge has challenged people to use time more wisely, and take each day as a unique opportunity. Perhaps the best advice you will ever get from this blog, so you should listen.

Should we rest on our laurels, and let the acclaim fall from the skies in waves of adoration, and accolades? Should we enjoy our success, and let things fall naturally into place. Probably not, not while there are problems that need solved, and assistance that needs rendered, and time that needs killed.

We are now accepting applications for the next Life Explained Office, in the Life Explained World Domination Campaign!

So, if you have an ax to grind, or a point of view to express, or some words dying to escape the prison of your mind we might have the place for you. The pay is lousy, the hours are short, and the requirements are the ability to fit in with the other Life Explained offices.

We need people who have little sense of moderation, a robust sense of the ridiculousness of life,  and don't live in the midwest, the northeast, or India. It wouldn't hurt if you had an interesting story to tell, and could tell it over and over again in different ways, with somewhat different endings, too.

Apply within.

*by the way, Kroger, and El Monterey, we are still looking for a sponsor.

**We really don't know how much they cost, we just made that up. They were in the freezer and we were hungry and they looked so good we ate them. Our apologies to whoever paid for them.

Help Wanted, desperately, or desperate help, anyway.

Life Explained is hiring. We need a group of product testers. Fearless people who enjoy taking risks, and trying new things. A group of adventurers who love a challenge, and are not bothered by small spaces, large, open areas, heights, or ocean depths. A cadre of dedicated professionals with no family, and very little to live for.

We have decided it is time to design, build and test a device that will reduce people to a beam of energy, and shoot them across the ocean to another device that reconstitute the energy into a person, in more or less the same configuration. We are pretty sure.

Since we all know that flying is probably the worst form of transportation, except for riding on a boat, it is time to find alternatives. Until now if a person wanted to go to Europe they had to risk climbing into an elongated aluminum tube and hurtle through the air, over dangerous, dark, predator filled water, with nothing to comfort them except a brief explanation of the proper procedure to follow after a "water landing." Or, climb on huge, metal container and hope that somehow the laws of displacement and buoyancy hold true, curse you Archimedes. What better way than matter dispersal and reconfiguration. 

We are fairly confident the bugs will be insignificant. It will probably be mostly hair color, and possibly height, and depth, and perhaps width, we can't be too sure.  But, rest assured you will be reassembled, fairly accurately, at the other end.

If you have tattoos you are not happy with this is the perfect job for you. They will probably change, move some place new, and could even end up on someone else, we think.

This could, possibly, be a great way to remove warts, maybe, we think. It is still kind of early, and we don't want to get your hopes up, but you could end up looking really great.

A sense of overwhelming despair, and hopelessness is not required, but probably not a bad idea, either. Oh, by the way, this could cure depression, maybe.

If you are a trend setter, with a cavalier, devil may care attitude, and have no pets, or family that will miss you, and possibly hire a lawyer in the unlikely event things take an unexpected twist send your resume. If you're kind of a drifter with no ties, or friends of any kind, even better.  No experience required.

Life Explained, an equal opportunity employer.