Another reason to hate flying.

In a disturbing turn of events an airline is going to start weighing passengers. One more reason to hate flying. Apparently it has to do with flight safety. They don't want their precious planes carrying too much dead weight. While there is no mention of reaching a limit, or what they plan to do with the information, it seems natural they are going to stop letting people on at a certain point, or charge more above a certain threshold.

It is an incentive to lose some weight. Let's face it, it is bad enough you're carrying around a few extra pounds, and now you get bumped to a later flight. Worse than that it will be filled with a bunch of thin, fit, healthy people, eating kale, and drinking green crap. "no thanks, I'll just walk to South America."

Or, maybe they will allow you, but not your luggage. "OK, you can get on lardass, but you will need to buy new clothes."

But, if they insist on doing this it seems like they are stopping short of really taking advantage of the opportunity. They should screen your blood pressure, and serum cholesterol. Nobody wants to be on a flight with a potential heart attack or stroke victim, that would make flying even worse.

And what about a complete psychological workup. Crazy people are the least comfortable people to fly with. I have a pie chart, and a list proving the phenomenon.

But, this is only fair if they let the passengers have a say. We should be allowed to see what everybody else weighs, and the results of the Rorschach tests, particularly the pilots, and flight attendants. We know they are nuts, it would be nice to know the extent.

I have the perfect solution. Everybody who is scheduled to fly has to meet the day before and have dinner together. We can have the weigh ins, and the examinations as a group, Kind of a meet and greet, it could be fun. Something fun, the person with the highest LDL cholesterol gets a free bag of Pork Rinds. The heaviest person will

Help Wanted, desperately, or desperate help, anyway.

Life Explained is hiring. We need a group of product testers. Fearless people who enjoy taking risks, and trying new things. A group of adventurers who love a challenge, and are not bothered by small spaces, large, open areas, heights, or ocean depths. A cadre of dedicated professionals with no family, and very little to live for.

We have decided it is time to design, build and test a device that will reduce people to a beam of energy, and shoot them across the ocean to another device that reconstitute the energy into a person, in more or less the same configuration. We are pretty sure.

Since we all know that flying is probably the worst form of transportation, except for riding on a boat, it is time to find alternatives. Until now if a person wanted to go to Europe they had to risk climbing into an elongated aluminum tube and hurtle through the air, over dangerous, dark, predator filled water, with nothing to comfort them except a brief explanation of the proper procedure to follow after a "water landing." Or, climb on huge, metal container and hope that somehow the laws of displacement and buoyancy hold true, curse you Archimedes. What better way than matter dispersal and reconfiguration. 

We are fairly confident the bugs will be insignificant. It will probably be mostly hair color, and possibly height, and depth, and perhaps width, we can't be too sure.  But, rest assured you will be reassembled, fairly accurately, at the other end.

If you have tattoos you are not happy with this is the perfect job for you. They will probably change, move some place new, and could even end up on someone else, we think.

This could, possibly, be a great way to remove warts, maybe, we think. It is still kind of early, and we don't want to get your hopes up, but you could end up looking really great.

A sense of overwhelming despair, and hopelessness is not required, but probably not a bad idea, either. Oh, by the way, this could cure depression, maybe.

If you are a trend setter, with a cavalier, devil may care attitude, and have no pets, or family that will miss you, and possibly hire a lawyer in the unlikely event things take an unexpected twist send your resume. If you're kind of a drifter with no ties, or friends of any kind, even better.  No experience required.

Life Explained, an equal opportunity employer.

The Life Explained Yacht Club.

It was dreary, and grey, and pretty miserable.  Even the rain did not want to be there, it fell from sky, and most of it managed to get away before landing in the middle such a bleak afternoon.  Of course, that left enough to cause an uncomfortable, damp, depressing experience for anyone unfortunate enough to be stuck in outside.

We were incredibly busy, overwhelmingly so, the work just came in unimpeded, wave after wave, requests, demands, needy, whining and more than a little irritating.  Bil and I were discussing various opportunities to increase our enjoyment of life.  Different ways to make a little coin, have a little fun, and live life to the fullest, cold drink in hand, feet up on the table, sunglasses, wide brimmed hats, and most important, comfortable shoes. Remember, we think shoes are important.

We decided the best way to handle this was to start a Yacht Club.  Since I am not fond of boats, or being on the water, or flying over the water, or really, flying at all, and you know, I am not too fond of spiders, bats, snakes, venomous... Oops, where was I?

Oh yeah, our yacht club.  It is going to be very exclusive, we have already turned down two people, they just weren't of the right character, or income level, and certainly not suitable for such an exclusive club.  You have to be careful about the type of people you let in to a club like this, (sorry, Mom).

This old, rundown building is the perfect disguise.

It is kind of humble right now, but we have added a few flourishes, and think it is coming along quite nicely.  If you are interested in joining, please let us know, at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com.  But, don't get your hopes up.

Remember our motto "The Life Explained Yacht Club, not much of a sailor, but one ace of a drinker.

Of course, secrecy is important, so please don't tell anyone. And if you do tell them they aren't qualified, we have our standards after all.

Flying, or Getting From Here to There With a Busload of Strangers.

Flying, a method of transportation that dates back farther than anyone can remember, for thousands of years it has been the preferred method of travel for birds, some insects, certain types of squirrels, bats (and balls).  There was even a dinosaur that grew wings and flew. It is worth noting that many, many, very, very knowledgeable scientists (well, maybe not that many) believe this may led to the extinction of this once proud, noble, ground moving species.

Imagine the first few tentative feet.  Clumsy, awkward, and uncertain, the lumbering beast manages to stay in the air long enough to experience the thrill of flight.  In a very short time it is circling gracefully, majestically, climbing, banking, sailing through the air, charging $7.00 for a Bud Light!!!  That's just robbery!!!  Pretty soon the whole dinosaur kingdom was up in arms, revolting against long lines, brutal security checks, rude attendants....  Oops, sorry, we will cover this in much more detail in our upcoming smash hit blog series "The History of Flight, or Why Do Think They Invented Parachutes, Anyway?

What we are here to discuss today is a particular airline.  Southwest Airlines.  Regular readers, friends, strangers in airports who happened to be unfortunate enough to be near me in airports understand my feeling about flying, I am not a fan.  But, Southwest Airlines carried my blind friend all the way from Omaha, NE to Columbus, OH and back again, and didn't lose him, even for a few seconds, and considering his predilection for wondering off in the blink of an eye, even when told "you wait right here, and don't move," (turning back around you find that somehow he has wandered into the alligator exhibit) that is quite an accomplishment.

Plus, they treated him with kindness, and made him feel comfortable, and got him from gate to gate with the care of a family member.  While we were waiting for him to board this morning the man from the counter came over and asked him about his transfer in Chicago, and whether he wanted to ride in a wheel chair or to walk.

Everything was handled with dignity, and care, and I hope this makes it into the hands of someone at Southwest who has some authority.  My whole family thanks you.

Undercover In Sin City.

With the economic downturn of the last decade, followed by the sequestration, and culminating in the government shutdown we here at Life Explained were consumed with the corrosive impact this would have on great American institutions.  After a lengthy discussion we could only think of one.  Las Vegas.  And after another, even lengthier discussion, several rounds of "Rock-Paper-Scissors" (in which everybody was disqualified for playing "Giant Spider" where you quickly cover your opponents coffee cup with your hand, and knock it over in their lap, technically we felt this was cheating) it was decided none of us was feeling foolish enough to fly.  We sent long time friend of,  and contributor to, the blog, Susan to investigate.

We made her sign the standard Waiver, of course, and then we rushed out and took out a large life insurance policy on her.  Hey, Susan is a gambler, she understands.

Poor, brave Susan, we will miss her. 

 Susan has sent back alarming news, it seems the whole city has been taken over by Ancient Rome.  This is shocking, we knew things were going to slip a little with the government shutdown, and everything.  But, this is worse than we imagined.  Of course, one time we saw something a little bit like this on Star Trek, and that turned out OK, thanks to Captain Kirk, and a little kicking of the behind.  And Susan is on the job, and she is very resourceful, we are not sure how she stacks up to Captain Kirk, but she did get on an airplane, more or less willingly, we think.  So, maybe all is not lost.

"Who you calling ancient, pal?

A brief re-creation of our trip to the spring game in Lincoln

Here is a short film, depicting our recent trip to the Spring Game in Lincoln. It is only minutes and four seconds long, though, you will probably feel it was much longer, if you watch the whole thing. It would be a good idea to turn down the volume, I like music loud.

Please enjoy, or at least tolerate, and smile politely.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Somewhere in the midwest.

Throwing Caution to the Wind, Again.

On our way back, waiting for our flight, the flight here wasn't too bad. Of course, it wasn't without a few tense moments. Like takeoff, landing, and all of the flying in between.

It became almost surreal, when, about 20 minutes out of Chicago, the pilot announced;

"Due to  budget cuts in air traffic control personnel forced by sequestration  the tower at Midway is understaffed today. I'm afraid that this means we are going to need a little help bringing this baby home. Everybody in front of the wings please look out your windows for other airplanes, if you see one, scream, really loud. As we begin our descent those of you behind the wings will need to let me know how close I am to the ground. Passengers above the wings, you are responsible for praying, earnestly, passionately and with feeling."

It seemed a little suspect, but we made it, and it was nice to help out a little. Maybe flying on Monday will be a little easier. Also, we have decided to go through St. Louis instead. It is named after a saint, that can't hurt.  Let's hope Louis is the patron saint of reasonably priced airport food.

Flying, Science and Magic, Working Together.

Next week we are going to climb into an airplane and travel. We have a destination, but, it is not that simple. We need to fly to another city, change planes and then we can go where we want.  Still, stopping somewhere while flying is not so bad, as long as they planned to stop, unplanned stops while flying is one of the worst ideas of all time. Really it is not the waiting, or the “intermediate destinations” that are so troubling, it is flying. To reassure myself I looked into the science behind flying.

Flying seems like a huge leap of faith, Maybe understanding the dynamics and forces involved will help. This is what I found.

When an airfoil (or a wing) is moving relative to the air it generates an aerodynamic force, in a rearward direction at an angle with the direction of relative motion. This aerodynamic force is commonly resolved into two components:

• Drag: is the force component parallel to the direction of relative motion,
• Lift: is the force component perpendicular to the direction of relative motion.
•  

That seems a little fuzzy, maybe there is a clearer description somewhere else. Here is something that might make a little more sense.

Apparently, it has something to do with magic. But, I finally understand what the old timers meant when they used to say “if God wanted man to fly he would have given him an improved drag coefficient, and increased lift capabilities.”  Sometimes old sayings are still the best.

Anyway, if we make it safely to our “final destination” I will let you know, right away, after the tears of joy subside.  If not, say nice things about me, even if you have to lie.