A new chapter in the story of Life Explained.

Yesterday I wrote a blog post on the Tech Whacko site about video processing apps. I have several, and if you have read this blog before you know I love all apps. If this is your first trip here, well, I love all apps. But, video apps is an obsession all it's own. Probably an unhealthy, unholy, demon sort of obsession.

I will read about one, and think that looks pretty cool, and rush off to download the free version. Of course, as any fool could tell you, the free version is lame, and never worth the trouble.

But, here is why any fool is wrong! If I didn't download the free version how could I possibly have ever know how desperately I needed the full version. Once the free, stripped of all the really cool stuff had been tried, and found lacking then it was off to the App Store.

Seven dollars, it is a small price to pay for such a wonderful little bit of software wizardry. Of course, I needed the other one as a comparative model. There is no way I could know if my $7.00 had been well spent without buying the $6.00 competing app. Wow, that one is great too.

And, how about this one, it is only $3.00. What a steal.

Right now you are probably thinking, "big deal, Tim. Should we care about your foolish dreams? Are you going to continue going on and on about this? Don't you have anything better to do?"

To these questions I answer, Yes, Maybe, and Probably, and I will get to it in a minute.

Here is the thing, I have invested about sixteen smackers in these things, and now I am trying to convince my wife I need a new iPad to use  them effectively. The iPhone works but a bigger screen would be great. Which means you are going to be seeing a lot more videos on this blog. I apologize in advance.

But, she is not going to just take my word for the necessity of a new device. And, desperate times call for desperate measures. So, in the comments I need everybody to say something like "wow, that  is cool, just think of what you could do with a bigger screen."

Here is a trailer from my first blockbuster, smash hit, A Robot Looks at Humanity.

Thanks for your cooperation.

High Tech Gets a Little Higher.

As many of you know we have recently added the Microsoft Surface Pro 3 to the arsenal of high tech gadgetry used in the pursuit of the explanations to life's greatest mysteries.

It requires a great deal of computational muscle to break down barriers and wrestle truth from the universe.  And the good news is we are getting closer, the bad news is we are still not exactly sure what life's greatest mysteries are (that is how mysterious they are), which has kind of hamstrung our research.

But, it does provide the time needed to integrate all of our devices, and cloud services, so the work can proceed expeditiously.  Of course, there needs to be many tests, trials, failures, hand wringing, tears of frustration and joy, hours and hours of endless attempts to make sure information passes seamlessly between the Surface Pro 3 the iPhone 5 and iPad 3 (we are thinking of adding an iPod, just because we have several not being used).  It was not in vain.  Dropbox was the last piece of the puzzle, and the most stubborn, but a quick glance at the instructions (I know, who reads directions, it was a last resort) and we were uploading photos like techie.

We have managed to produce this little gem, foil this chrome turtle "carjacking" this wooden elephant. And, we had to perform the operation without the iPad. My wife is still holding tight.  But, we are fairly certain we could have without problem.

As you can see the future of mankind is in good hands.

Note;  We are not sure turtles have paws, but we are fairly comfortable supposing that they do not have hands, or feet.  Besides, in a tense situation you can forgive the Life Explained Armed Forces for taking a few liberties with reptilian anatomical classifications.

Next step; new logo, we can't wait.

Hey, you can't argue with fate.

I am a rational, reasonable adult, far from perfect, but mature, and free from the most major defects, for the most part.  Sure, there is a very rational fear of spiders, but that is just self preservation, and if you set up a Google Alert for spider news, like I have, you would see why.  And, nobody can really be all that comfortable flying, for one thing you are packed in that metal can so tightly that you need to synchronize your breathing with the passenger next to you, (fortunately, I hardly breath on planes) and you are squeezed into toddler seats (I don't even like to be that close to my family) and then they fling that sucker through the air in defiance of all laws of nature, science and reason.

And then some smug, arrogant condescending, disembodied voice has the nerve to say, "please put away all reading material, and shut off any electronic devices, please don't even think about using anything that might give you any brief pleasure in the last few precious moments of life, or distract you for even a few seconds from facing the certain death that waits all of you when we finally get this giant mess of aluminum and tangled wire off the ground..."  Oops, sorry about that, most times they don't sound that smug, at all.  Wait, where was I?  Oh yeah.

I like to think of myself as a sane, normal adult.  And recently it seems that maybe I am spending too much time with technology, and not enough time with reality.  It seems like I am constantly checking the status of my village in Clash of Clans (doing quite well, thank you), or Dark Ages (a little behind the eight ball here, need some more lumber mills to really make some time), constantly chasing more elixir or conquests.  Always trying to score big points using middle school vocabulary in "Words With People Who Always Win,"  Maybe that time should be spent with people, maybe I should use those words in conversation.

"Hey, 'Words With Friends' friend, how about I buy you a cup of coffee, and we just talk?"  That seems reasonable, right?

Maybe, it is time to put aside the iPhone, the iPad, cable TV, computers, blue tooth, Blu-Ray, Xbox,

all of the technological meth amphetamines of life, and start looking at the world through eyes long addicted to terminals, flat screens and the retina displays.  What wonders wait just beyond the steel cage of the technology?  Why must we always heed the siren's call to our devices?

It might be time to put all of these toys aside, grow up a bit, and meet life's challenges head on.

Maybe not, though. Last week I left my phone at home, and the withdrawal symptoms were so severe they required hospitalization, thank the gods for health insurance.  And I have that free video "rental" from Red Box that expires today, shame to let that go to waste, it is like a license to print money.  My wife and I have been happily married for a long time, no pointing in tempting fate through conversation.  What will she think if she finds out how dull I really am, and leaves me for somebody fascinating?  Where will that leave our children.

Maybe personal electronics are the next step in evolution.  Crawl out of the ocean, leave the cave, climb down out of the trees, put on a shirt, some pants and a pair of shoes, and start a virtual empire on your iPhone.  It kind of makes sense in a cosmic way, if you think about it.  Maybe we are supposed to learn to use these tools, like we harnessed fire, and incorporated the wheel into our lives.   Who am I to argue with destiny?

Well, I'm glad we got that out in the open, it is certainly a big relief.

"Siri, save my Monday."

Though, a proud citizen of the 21st century (that is the right century, isn't it?) it is only reluctantly that I embrace new technology.  Yes, I loved my iPod, such a wonderful, useful device, and that love led to the purchase of my beloved iPad, what a glorious, useful, and transcendent piece of electronic equipment, (kind of a big iPod) which, in time, caused the leap off the fiscal cliff into the purchase of one of the most unique, glorious tools ever, an iPhone 5 (kind of like an iPod that makes phone calls).

This morning, however, on my drive to work, (yes, it is another story about my drive to work, sorry, but it is a very important part of my day, for one thing, I love my job, and my car, and my phone, which plays music right through my car, without being attached by wires, that still kills me!) I realized a very glaring weakness in the programming of all electronic music storage devices.  The shuffle function, sometimes, goes a little "buggy" (sorry for the techie jargon, I will try to be more careful) and plays all of the wrong songs. It spits out music that is completely inappropriate for the occasion.  It should know better than melancholy, sad, depressing music on Monday morning.  It should automatically pick something with some tempo, some back beat, something to get the foot tapping, and blood circulating.

Picking up my phone and quickly realizing that the "next" (again, sorry for all this tech stuff, please forgive me) option was useless, it was just going to pick sorrow filled, tear stained music, I started looking for a song.  I had a great one in mind.  But, I was driving almost 75 miles an hour (16 kilograms in Europe) and came very close to killing myself and the person in the Ford Fiesta next to me, sorry about that, you looked like a such nice little old lady, until you gave me the middle finger salute, and I can't read lips, but, you should be ashamed of yourself.  I had it coming, though.  Deciding that picking my own song while driving was not the best idea, I am a quick learner that way, I resigned myself to listening to "This Traveling Around," by Lyle Lovett, and try to snap myself out of it with extra coffee.

Then it hit me, Siri!  She was waiting in my phone, just aching to help me.  "Siri," I said, "how about we listen to "Supernaturally," by Nick Cave?"

Siri said, "Ok, let's listen to 'Supernaturally'" and it started playing.  Technology is great.  I love it!  And I love you, Siri.  I may leave my wife for you, she never lets me pick the song.

If my wife reads this, I am only kidding, you are still the girl in all my dreams.  And your lasagna is heavenly.

Somber, sort of, happy, kind of, news.

Today we will take a more serious look at life.  Maudlin, melancholy introspection, and self doubt are the words for Monday, particularly this Monday. 

To preface, several years ago I got a phone, but not just a phone, an MP3 player, phone combination, that had a camera, and  a wifi receiver.  It was a joy, and we shared many happy memories.  Microsoft and Sharp collaborated to bring me this little marvel, the Microsoft, Kin 2M.  Oh, sure it was almost impossible to find one, three stores, an Internet search and several phone calls, and all they had to say was, "we are out, and you are out of luck."  But, a sales rep from Verizon stopped into where I work and through the black arts of electronic manipulation found one in a warehouse in Tennessee (a lovely state, by the way).  There was much celebrating.

But, a storm was brewing on the Horizon.  My youngest son got an iPod Touch, and would torment me with the it's enormous potential and ability.  "Hey, Dad, look at this, look what this 'app' will do."  I tried to be strong, but eventually my will power crumbled, and I convinced my lovely, and talented wife, (who has learned to suffer foolishness more or less gladly) that I NEEDED one.  It was great, I started making dog cartoons, and posting to blogs and facebook, and became an image addicted addict. 

But, my phone and I still shared many traits, we were both fussy, cranky, more or less working devices.  And, we still had fun, listening to music, making phone calls, sending text messages, and taking pictures.  It was still a mutual admiration and love relationship.

Darkness began to descend on our happy relationship.  We got an iPad, and things started changing, my pictures from my iPod would automatically show up on my iPad, and they shared so many apps, and it was so easy to go from one to the other.  But, the Kin was still my first love.

Tragedy struck, my oldest son got an iPhone.  Curse you!!!  The taunts were constant and merciless "Hey, dad, watch this, it is great."  Then it was all over.  What could I do, except convince my wife, the little less tolerant now, love of my life, that my life was not complete without one. 

Now, my phone is the sleek iPhone you see pictured above, and my Kin is no more, I traded it in for a $25.00 gift card, and it will never brighten my spirits again.  Damn you, frugality.  I love my new phone, but, it will never be my Kin. 

Looking back, I should have named it Richard so I could now loosely quote Steely Dan,

"We've seen the last of Good Kin Richard,
ring out the past, his name lives on."

But, I didn't, what a wasted opportunity, so I will quote Uncle Tupelo, instead, who sang,

"I'm going where there's no depression
To a better land that's free from care
I'll leave this world of toil and trouble
My home's in heaven
I'm going there"

Good bye, old Kin.  

Please, everybody, around the world, join me in a moment of silence.
PS. If you run across me on Twitter, or Instagram, or Tumblr, or, anywhere else in the virtual universe of social networking, stop by and say hello.  And, tell my wife how much my iPhone helps me make your life better, it will make her happy.