We take the offensive in the Battle for Jeff.

This is part 5 of the story to save the shipping guy, Jeff. Save him from us, unfortunately.  If you haven't read part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4 and Part 5  this might seem kind of dumb. And if you have it will probably seem completely hopeless.  But, they are readily available, and free, and it probably wouldn't hurt, too much, to go have a quick read.


Bob lay on his back. Looking at the ceiling, his gaze wandering from light fixture to air vent to corner. A restless visual pacing. When he had made several laps around the entire area he turned toward Jeff.

It was a small room, and a taxing procedure. An operation of a scope that required a great deal of equipment. All of this equipment required tables, and these tables were crammed into the room chaotically. It had started simply and grown quickly, and there was no order to gear scattered throughout.

So, when Bob turned to look at Jeff all he could see where the soles of his feet, and a few inches of leg sticking out of the bottom of a sheet that was thrown over the inert shipping guy. Jeff's skin was grey with white splotches the size of silver dollars that seemed to move slowly, and change shape, but it happened so slowly it was really hard to be certain.

"I really liked Jeff." Bob said softly, slowly. His tone contemplative, almost serene.

"How well did you know Jeff?" I asked, thinking it was odd that Bob liked anyone. Surprised at the small display of kindness from this rebar reinforced, poured concrete custodial person. Shocked at the hint of sadness.

"Not well, we had coffee together a few times in the cafeteria. But, he was aces. If you know what I mean. Everybody who walked in smiled at him. Patted him on the back, shook his hand. And here is the odd part. They smiled at me. For a few minutes I was just one of the guys. Jeff had the power to change reality.

"Why did you choose him?  Why not Anthony, the guy from maintenance? He is a world class jerk. You know, one time I filed down the axle on the right, front wheel of his cart. He was going to answer a job ticket, and halfway there the wheel broke off, shot through the customer service department and broke Jim's "Worlds Best Dad" coffee mug, which was a blatant lie, anyway. Anthony's tools spilled all over the aisle. It was hilarious. I posted it on YouTube." Bob laughed, and coughed.

"Hey, you didn't do that to my chair, did you?" asked John, standing by his table, next to a chair that leaned uncomfortably to the right.

"No, no, of course not." Bob said, then fell silent.

"I don't know why we chose him. We just thought he would complain the most politely, I guess.

His eyes closed, and the dial on the monitor flashed "100 %".  The personality traits transfer was completed.

"Bob, you should be able to see, or feel what our little robot is experiencing. Think about the distant sensations. It might be a lonely, small feeling of isolation, or dread." Dr. Dawg said. "This is alien to you, and it might seem terrible. But, with a little effort you will find the center. Think about the movement."

A slight twitch registered on the display, then a full rotation. Then a small jump. Then what looked like our tiny, subatomic robot was doing the "robot" dance.

"Sorry." Bob said. "I couldn't help myself." Chuckling a little.

"Let's float this boat, and go save Jeff." Bob said.

"Commencing injection." said a robotic sounding voice, though it was really just Thomas. He had given up the southern drawl for a more futuristic timbre (which may have sounded even  more idiotic, I swear I am going to fire that guy). He counted backward from 10, lost track at 4, and just pushed the button.

Bob was on his way. Jeff groaned, and we all thought it sounded hopeful.

Breaking News,

Gene Simmons, bass player for Kiss, has rushed to the defense of the wealthy.  Claiming inclusion into the long persecuted minority, Gene Simmons has taken a stand.  No longer will people malign and mistreat those who are unfortunate enough to be ridiculously wealthy.

Mr. Simmons claims that "50% of the US population pays no taxes at all."  A remarkable feat, given the breadth of taxes assessed by various branches of government.  In Ohio, for example, to better distribute the tax burden among the citizenry our Governor is working to reduce the state income tax, and increased the sales tax, and imposing the tax on services, which were previously exempt.  Try to get out of that tax, you filthy 50%, we have your number.  And it is 5.75%, on almost everything, including haircuts, and legal advice.

However, Mr. Simmons would like it known that the much maligned, and terribly put upon 1%, of which he claims to be a member in good standing, "provides all of the jobs for everybody else," and we should "try being nice to a rich person."  Indeed, Mr. Simmons.  Next time a rich person is unfortunate enough to find himself in line next to me at Taco Bell, I will buy him a Crunch Wrap Gordito, even if it is not happy hour, I will pay full price.  I hope it is Gene Simmons, imagine tacos with a wealthy bass player.  Facebook, here we come.

I would be willing to settle for Bill Gates, or Warren Buffett, but will pass on Donald Trump, his hair looks even worse than mine, and that might be more than a poor, Taco Bell worker, who owes so much to Gene Simmons, should have to endure.

If you see a wealthy person, give them a hug, and thank them, we owe them so much.

The future of giving.

Today, we would like to thank those gentle, kind, loving souls who have pioneered unique and creative ways to provide assistance for those in need.  Those daring individuals smart enough to give more than money, to provide opportunity, to provide the means for the downtrodden to finally break the cycle of dependency.  Today is the time to thank those who are paving the way to a brighter, more prosperous future.

Our first example comes to us from the high tech world of computer programming and software development.  A place where one man took the initiative to reach around the world and offer assistance to a person who will never get the chance to thank him for his philanthropy.  We will let the internet news agency tell you about this selfless deed.

“What began as a company's suspicion that its infrastructure was being hacked turned into a case of a worker outsourcing his own job to a Chinese consulting firm, according to reports that cite an investigation by Verizon's security team. The man was earning a six-figure salary.

The anonymous company, identified only as a critical infrastructure firm, asked Verizon's Web security personnel to look into data that showed its virtual private network was being accessed from China — even as the employee whose credentials were used to log in from overseas was sitting in the company's offices, using his computer.

As Emil Protalinski writes at The Next Web, the company's security measures included a coded fob which, the investigating team learned, a code developer had shipped to Shenyang, China, so that a company there could perform his assigned work.

And it turns out that the job done in China was above par — the employee's "code was clean, well written, and submitted in a timely fashion. Quarter after quarter, his performance review noted him as the best developer in the building," according to the Verizon Security Blog.

It seems that Verizon has removed the page publishing this "case study" — either that, or it has merely become unavailable for some other reason. But a cached version of the storyoffers more details. The report, which assigns the inventive employee the fictitious name of "Bob," described him as a family guy in his 40s, with extensive software knowledge.

After they were called in to look for rogue software that allowed hackers to perfectly mimic an employee's log-in, and maintain an active and secure connection, the investigators instead found "hundreds of .pdf notices from a third party contractor/developer in (you guessed it) Shenyang, China."

The Verizon team even found that "Bob" kept a regular schedule at his office:

·         9:00 a.m. – Arrive and surf Reddit for a couple of hours. Watch cat videos

·         11:30 a.m. – Take lunch

·         1:00 p.m. – Ebay time.

·         2:00 – ish p.m Facebook updates – LinkedIn

·         4:30 p.m. – End of day update e-mail to management.

·         5:00 p.m. – Go home

And as they learned, his schedule also included sending less than one-fifth of his salary to the Chinese firm. Verizon's investigators say the evidence they uncovered suggests "Bob" might have had similar arrangements at several companies.

"All told, it looked like he earned several hundred thousand dollars a year, and only had to pay the Chinese consulting firm about fifty grand annually," according to the Security Blog.

It is that kind of sacrifice that will save the world, and free the masses, bringing light where there was darkness, hope where there was despair, food where there was hunger, money where there was a person willing to do the job for significantly less.  Thank you, faceless, nameless pioneer of the new charity movement.