Life After Death, or at Least After the Alarm.

In today's episode of Life, Is It Worth It?, we are going to discuss working for a living.  While it may not seem fashionable, and there are times it is inconvenient, having a job can be a great resource.  Of course, there are the obvious benefits of income, insurance, and a retirement plan, but it need not end there.

Depending on where you are employed there are liable to be a diverse group of people with a wide variety of opinions and beliefs.  It could be a great, seething, bubbling stew of ideas, and religions, and tastes. A wonderfully combustible mixture of backgrounds, hopes, dreams, and aspirations. What a place to learn, experience, and expand your horizons.

 Don't worry, though, those things are easily avoided, and it will be simple enough to find a few people who are noteworthy because of their striking similarity to you, and hang out with them.  If they aren't at work, they are on Facebook, or some other "social media." All of which are more enjoyable at work, while getting paid. It is like being a "professional social media mogul".

Working for a living also provides much of the grist for the mill of the economic engine that drives the elevator of upward mobility. In other words people are less likely to express their distaste for you quite so openly if you have a job. They may think you are a putz, but knowing you bring home a paycheck, and they may need to borrow a little something someday makes them reluctant to really trash you in public. Of course, if they ask you and you turn them down all bets are off.

Having a job does require a certain level of commitment, though. And an alarm clock* which can be a real problem. So before rushing out and taking that "dream job" working for that "great company" doing all of the "wonderful, fulfilling things" remember to take a minute, and stick your finger in your eye, it is the same sensation as being jolted awake from a pleasant, peaceful slumber to drag your sorry carcass out of bed and off to do some dungeon master's bidding.

But, if your'e still interested don't forget the Life Explained Employment Agency (motto, "can you afford to feed your family and pay to have our basement remodeled on that salary?") we are always here to help.

*Developed by Satan's Division of Automated Hell.

Monday, Your Big Chance?

We, here at Life Explained, are going to start a new movement.  Starting now, next week at the latest, Monday is no longer going to be viewed as a curse, a despicable, reviled demonic visitor from the pits.  It is going to be welcomed as the gracious day that ushers in a beginning, a refreshing chance to start something beautiful.

Life does not often present mortals with opportunities for greatness, and Monday is the perfect chance to leave your co-workers, subordinates, and superiors in the vocational dust.  As they are holding their heads, praying for a quick end to a new day, you can embrace the challenge.  Charge into the midst of the chaos, powering through the doldrums, shining like a beacon of hope for all the company to follow.

Book 1 in the "Who needs 'em" series

Grab the biggest problem you can, wrestle it the floor, and make it plead for mercy, right in the entryway, so everybody can watch.  If sales are stagnant grab the phone, get some people on the hook, and sell some stuff, if production is flagging, grab some tools, some raw materials, and make something.  Rising transportation costs cutting into the bottom line, chewing up profits and spitting out mountains of rising debt, load some stuff up in your car, and make some deliveries. Remember, every little problem you solve is a chance to make an associate look incompetent, slow and foolish.

Use the first day of the week to rise several standard deviations above the mean.  As fellow employees trickle in, tales of two days of independence dripping from their paper coffee cups, look down your nose at them, turn your back and storm off, a trail of efficient, professional scorn settling slowly on their bewildered faces.  

Look, we just want to see you get ahead, that's all.  If the people who work with you can't see your potential that is their problem.  Don't forget our companion book, "Step all over the people your coworkers, it won't get you anywhere, but you will save a bundle on birthday gifts."

Today, It sure ain't yesterday,

Today we are starting a movement to hire the Polar Vortex as a salaried, seasonal employee.  Beginning in June each year we would like him\her (for the sake of this post we will call the Polar
Vortex Her) to move to the Midwest, and manage our weather for us.   

She has proven herself to be a powerful, effective supervisory asset, and we think that kind of authority should be rewarded.  We are willing to offer you a generous salary, we will discuss the final numbers with your agent, but, rest assured it will be much more than any weather pattern has ever been offered.

There is a gernorous retirement plan, fully funded, stock options and medical insurance.  Also, we will throw in a health club membership, not that she needs that, she looks very fit, and healthy, but just in case she wants to work out. 

Also, and this is important, we are willing to give her the winter off, and she is  free to spend it anywhere you want.  We do ask that it not be Central Ohio, though.

Polar Vortex, if you are reading this, please let us know, and we will process the paper work, quickly, efficiently, and in speedy denial of all reality.

Benefits of Employment.

Obviously, vacation is important, we all need time to relax, escape the rigors of responsibility, the demands of employment.  Occasionally, the strict requirements of occupation are oppressive, suffocating, demanding, inescapable, hounding your every footstep, hammering you with emails, voice mails, and once in a rare while real mail.   However, having a job can be a very pleasant experience, if you follow a few simple steps.

First, hire the best people you can afford, and make sure they understand you want them to succeed.  You are more than a superior, you are a mentor.  If they realize that success for you, and success for them is so interwoven, so inseparable, they will almost become indentured servants.   Make sure they understand if you fail, it will reflect poorly on them, and you are vindictive enough to drag them all the way to bottom of the pit with you.  Also, make sure they know how you like your coffee, and your life  will be much happier.

Second, use email to your advantage.  Add everybody in the company to every email you send, most companies have a distribution list that has several methods to include the whole organization, in a few brief keystrokes.  Don't worry, most people will just ignore anything from you, but a few will begin to think you actually have a little power, and in this world perception is reality.  

Also. most email clients have a delayed send feature.  You can type all sorts of mundane memos that will take on increased importance if it looks like you sent them at 2:00 AM.  Even something so trivial as "working on some stuff, going to get some coffee, anybody want anything?"  Not only does it look like you were "working on some stuff" at two in the morning, but it also implies that you are such a nice person that you would get your coworkers anything they wanted, without the risk of spending any of your hard earned coin on the ingrates.

Working can be difficult, but it can be rewarding, with just a few simple steps.  And getting a paycheck is always a plus.  Remember without a job, you can't have a decent vacation.

Taking Charge, Are You Ready For Success?

Today is the 17th of January, and by now most of those lofty New Years resolutions are dead, buried in shallow graves, and just another twinge of regret as you cry yourself asleep each night.  The workout equipment is setting unused under the crumpled sweat suit with the tag still hanging from the sleeve.  But, the rowing machine seat is exactly the same size as the industrial size box of Twinkies you brought home from the store, so it was not a complete waste.  Your "Learn a New Word a Day" calender is still on January 2nd, and by an odd coincidence the word that day was "Ineffectual; adj., Insufficient to produce a desired effect, useless, worthless."  You should probably see what is on the 3rd.

There is still hope, though.  You might be able to meet #4: "Improve my career, and earn more money,while finding a job I love."  Don't give up on that yet.  There are probably opportunities right in your own company if you willing to fight for them, willing to take some chances, roll the dice.  All you need is the willpower and a good plan.  In your case we might have to settle for a good plan.  But, we, here at Life Explained, have that plan.  A plan tailored to your situation.  Just follow these steps and you are on your way to the corner office.  Next year we can worry about those extra pounds.  And that limited thought process, and that graying, thinning hair, well maybe next year and the year after that, you are kind of a big job.

1. Approach the key decision maker, confident, assured, comfortable.  Let them know you are ready for the promotion, and make them believe in you.  There are several ways to initiate the conversation, first let's examine the wrong approach.  "Hey, is that an opening in mid level management with an appropriate pay level and benefit package commensurate with my underutilized skills, and languishing intellect, or are you just happy to see me?"  An opening like this suggests you are unhappy in your position of assistant head custodian, implying that you are not a team player.

Instead, try this.  "Good morning, here is a nice package of Omaha Steaks for you and Mrs. Corporate Decision Maker, an excellent accompaniment for this bottle of 18 year old Single Malt Scotch, and these tickets to "Lion King," the musical sensation, and smash Broadway hit."  Using this approach shows that you are not only intelligent but have timing, taste, and the ability to "Build Consensus," very important for clawing your way up the corporate ladder.

2. Now that you have your foot in the door, as it were, it is vital to close the deal, one obvious technique is to catalog your skills, emphasizing those most appropriate for the opening at hand.  "Well, I am well versed in the Microsoft Office Suite, Access being a particular point of pride, including the use of SQL queries for custom, on demand reports, and uniquely qualified to use the data to generate attention grabbing Excel charts in support of sales and marketing goals.  Also, I am well versed in the construction and maintenance of E-commerce sites, including the use HTML, and advanced programming architecture, to build error free exchanges that will leave our customers happy and wanting to return, and willing to tell everybody they know about the wonderful experience they enjoyed ordering our product."  An obvious, but idiotic approach.  By the time you finish this speech you will find yourself facing a VIP that is either fast asleep, a bit of a snore echoing around the room, or trying to decide where best to play the Q in "Words with other People."

A much better option is providing evidence of your ability to solve problems, while focusing on the task at hand.  "With this job, I would finally be able to support my sick Mother, and still have enough money to pay for your wife's botox treatment."  Short, to the point, and proving that you are willing to make the sacrifices necessary for an expanding, international company.

With just a little sacrifice all some a couple of your dreams can come true.  Stick with us, and good things will happen.  You can thank us later.

The future of giving.

Today, we would like to thank those gentle, kind, loving souls who have pioneered unique and creative ways to provide assistance for those in need.  Those daring individuals smart enough to give more than money, to provide opportunity, to provide the means for the downtrodden to finally break the cycle of dependency.  Today is the time to thank those who are paving the way to a brighter, more prosperous future.

Our first example comes to us from the high tech world of computer programming and software development.  A place where one man took the initiative to reach around the world and offer assistance to a person who will never get the chance to thank him for his philanthropy.  We will let the internet news agency tell you about this selfless deed.

“What began as a company's suspicion that its infrastructure was being hacked turned into a case of a worker outsourcing his own job to a Chinese consulting firm, according to reports that cite an investigation by Verizon's security team. The man was earning a six-figure salary.

The anonymous company, identified only as a critical infrastructure firm, asked Verizon's Web security personnel to look into data that showed its virtual private network was being accessed from China — even as the employee whose credentials were used to log in from overseas was sitting in the company's offices, using his computer.

As Emil Protalinski writes at The Next Web, the company's security measures included a coded fob which, the investigating team learned, a code developer had shipped to Shenyang, China, so that a company there could perform his assigned work.

And it turns out that the job done in China was above par — the employee's "code was clean, well written, and submitted in a timely fashion. Quarter after quarter, his performance review noted him as the best developer in the building," according to the Verizon Security Blog.

It seems that Verizon has removed the page publishing this "case study" — either that, or it has merely become unavailable for some other reason. But a cached version of the storyoffers more details. The report, which assigns the inventive employee the fictitious name of "Bob," described him as a family guy in his 40s, with extensive software knowledge.

After they were called in to look for rogue software that allowed hackers to perfectly mimic an employee's log-in, and maintain an active and secure connection, the investigators instead found "hundreds of .pdf notices from a third party contractor/developer in (you guessed it) Shenyang, China."

The Verizon team even found that "Bob" kept a regular schedule at his office:

·         9:00 a.m. – Arrive and surf Reddit for a couple of hours. Watch cat videos

·         11:30 a.m. – Take lunch

·         1:00 p.m. – Ebay time.

·         2:00 – ish p.m Facebook updates – LinkedIn

·         4:30 p.m. – End of day update e-mail to management.

·         5:00 p.m. – Go home

And as they learned, his schedule also included sending less than one-fifth of his salary to the Chinese firm. Verizon's investigators say the evidence they uncovered suggests "Bob" might have had similar arrangements at several companies.

"All told, it looked like he earned several hundred thousand dollars a year, and only had to pay the Chinese consulting firm about fifty grand annually," according to the Security Blog.

It is that kind of sacrifice that will save the world, and free the masses, bringing light where there was darkness, hope where there was despair, food where there was hunger, money where there was a person willing to do the job for significantly less.  Thank you, faceless, nameless pioneer of the new charity movement.