We're back, We missed you.

We, here at Life Explained, have decided to branch out a little. Stretching the limits of credibility. Everybody knows this is the best place in the world to get Alternative Facts. We have been providing alternative facts for years. We have never really been too concerned with other, more reputable sources diving into our pool once in a while. Even the most reputable members of the press probably get tired of just reporting the facts. Blah, blah, blah, ad infinitum. How dull.

Since fair is fair, after all, we have been going into their world. And taking some of their band width, maybe, if that makes any sense. Anyway, we are branching out into the world of... the places where... we have been taking... anyway we have decided to see if anybody with normal sensibilities would let us invade their world for a while.

So, we have been writing, feverishly, in this case, considering the likely delusional nature of the narrative, which is probably similar to the ramblings of a malaria victim. Further we have been submitting them to dozens of places, sites, magazines, any place looking for a few words strung together. 

So far we have had a couple accepted. One is right here (Wow, this is genius), another is due out in April. Which we will come back to boast shamelessly about when it hits the streets.

Mostly, if any of you haven't noticed, we have been a little lax about writing our normal nonsense. We have been writing our normal nonsense, just sending it our into the real world, to see if it can stand on its own.  

Don't fear, though, we have been keeping an eye on the situation, all the situations, everywhere, and have good news.

President Trump just hired a new Presidential Science Adviser. 

The First Step is Always the Hardest, and Sometimes the Fastest, Too.

It was so much simpler in the early days. Just Dr. Dawg, Bob, and me. Driving around, in a 1971 VW Micro Bus, solving problems, and saving humanity. No withholding taxes, no retirement accounts, no worries, no huge government contracts. Life was simple.

We were staying in the HG wing of the Wells hotel in Baltimore. It had taken some work, and a lot of effort, and combing a microwave oven and a laser printer to create a small, controlled nuclear reactor, but our first time machine was ready to try. Bob, our accountant, had agreed to give it a shot.

"You're sure it's safe?" Bob asked and the trembling in his voice, and hands and knees,
made it obvious he was considering un-volunteering, backing out, not going.

I poured him a bourbon, neat. And Doctor Dawg pointed to a chalk board covered with long, complicated equations that had almost as many letters as numbers.

"I have been over the calculations too many times to count. They always come up the same. Since you lived long enough to be born you can't be killed before your birth. There is no way alter a reality that has passed. It is numerically impossible. It's all right there. Nothing bad can happen." He said, and a bit lower, under his breath, almost inaudible he added, "I think."

Bob had a very keen eye for numbers, which is why we hired him to be our accountant, but he did not understand science, or scientific notation. Which was fine, that was why we had Dr. Dawg. I was the driver, bartender, chef, shopper, and calming influence. We all took our jobs very seriously.

So, Bob finished his bourbon, looked at the equations, and Dr. Dawg, who patted him on the back, and said "you can do this, Bob, you are blazing a new trail, setting a new course for human understanding, you will be a hero. And we will wait right here."

Bob, stepped through the portal.

"Where did you send him?" I asked.

"I'm not too sure, but I was aiming for ancient Egypt during the reign of Amenhotep III, it was a relatively peaceful, prosperous time, according to the internet, anyway. We will find out, when Bob returns, where he actually ended up, and calibrate the Chrono Place-Ometer for accuracy. Hey is there any pizza left?"

I went to check, Dr. Dawg said we wouldn't have to wait long, according to his research, Bob could spend two or three days in the past and it would only be a small amount of time, no more than a few minutes, in the present. I was coming back with a couple of pieces of pizza, and a nice glass of Chardonnay, when Bob came running through the portal, screaming in terror. He knocked the pizza to the floor, I barely saved the wine.

Bob slammed the door open so hard he put the knob through the sheetrock wall and tore off down the hall, like a motorcycle.  Right behind him came a contingent of Egyptian soldiers, slamming through the small apartment, knocking over the couch, and table, and took off after Bob.  I drank the wine before anything else could happen.

Dr. Dawg looked at at me and said, "Well, I certainly didn't see that coming. We should probably pack up and go somewhere else. There could be a lot of questions soon."

We moved to Memphis, Tennessee and started working on a method to open and close the portal.  More on that later, though.

Heading to Mars, do you need a lift?

It seems that Bill Nye, the so called Science Guy, co wrote an article for National Geograpic explaining how a manned mission to Mars was a possibility.  Well, Mr. Nye, the "science guy" let me ask you something.  Why didn't we think of that?  Oh, we did!

In the article Bill, (you don't mind if we call you Bill, do you?) explains the potential vehicle for transport, and the costs involved.  Well, Bill, we would like you to consider using our Uber Mars Ride Sharing program.  We are going, anyway, you might as well save a few bucks, and let us take care of the driving.

That's right, Billy, (you don't mind if we call you Billy, do you?) you can grab a newspaper, and recline in our premium leather seats, and let the kitchen prepare your food, to taste, from our complete menu, including Kosher, low calorie, low carbohydrate, and gluten free choices.

But, why stop there, William (you don't mind if we call you William, do you?)? Join the other passengers in the theater portion of the Uber Rocket to Mars, and enjoy first run movies with Dolby, surround sound, and complimentary buttered popcorn.  Or, head down to the arcade, and compete in one of the many video game tournaments taking place.  There is always something new and exciting while traveling with Life Explained Interplanetary Uber Lifts.

And, Willy, (you don' mind if we call you Willy, do you?) what do you have planned on this visit to Mars? Why not stay in the brand new Life Explained Luxury Hotel and Casino.  Covering three acres of prime Martian real estate this fantastic new hotel is home to the largest casino not located on the planet Earth (we think), an indoor water park, three lounges, two theatres and a indoor race track, in case you want to play the ponies a bit, while visiting the Red Planet, and an RV park, but no one has used that, yet.

So, is the trip to Mars possible?  It sure is.  Is it affordable? With our new reduced rates* you can't afford not to go.  Is it fun? Heck yes! Where do I go to sign up? Email us, or leave a comment on this post, and we will book you on the next flight.  But, you might have to ride with Bill Nye.  Will that be a problem?

Friday, Explained

Today is Friday, a day many feel embodies the noble spirit of mankind.  A day many feel the paragon of the virtues of humanity.  A day many feel shows the ultimate evolution of the race.  Lofty ideals no doubt, but Life Explained needs proof.  Sending the finest vocational anthropologists available into a medium sized company, in a moderately sized city, in a region often used to test market food and drink products before national release seemed like a good way to test "The Theory of the Friday Pinnacle."

Walking carefully down the drab, brown halls of the work place, our steps almost silent on the low pile, tan carpet, (a color whose only purpose is to hide stains and wear, tragically, this is accomplished by making the whole thing look worn and dirty) Monday morning at 10:47.  A tomb like silence was broken only by muffled curses, and soft weeping.  People dashed into offices, meeting rooms, bathrooms, closets, slamming the doors, diving under desks, just to avoid conversation.   Eye contact was avoided, not only with the scientists but with the other members of the office tribe.

Fear, and trepidation were palpable.  Obviously, this was a society in decline, once proud, and profitable, you could tell by the smart phones, and tablets abandoned in terror, as individual tribe members would smash through a glass wall, dive under a wood grain conference table, and cower in abject fear.  Suffering visibly, the scene was almost over powering.  Work was not getting done at all, ringing phones went unanswered as these poor souls, squatted, half hidden behind the wax plants scattered conveniently around the building.  All of the windows were covered, blinds, or curtains closed tightly against the antiseptic sunshine and warmth.  It was a tragic scene.

Tuesday, bought the glimmer of a smile, the spark of acceptance, with the braver members of the tribe actually peaking out from the bathroom stalls.  Rushing up to touch the researchers, and running, quickly away, a sound, perhaps a guttural giggling, could be heard as they rushed away.   Work was, for the most part, ignored, as boundaries were tested, and tribe members were striving for dominance.  Mostly using games of skill, involving expense reports, or purchase orders, wadded into tight, almost symmetrical balls, heaved at distant waste baskets.  Winners took the chairs with the nicest casters, wheeling themselves down the hall, just out of reach of the research team's scientific equipment.

Wednesday, the change was significant.  With the indigenous people gathering, in small groups of trusted friends at the coffee maker, microwave, or refrigerator.  Darting eyes were proof that the tragedy of Monday's alarm clock was not forgotten.  Work was largely left for later, the new found freedom was intoxicating.   Monday is still remembered, but the nature of the ecosystem has changed.  Boisterous, if embarrassed  laughter rings down the halls, echoing down hallways, and off cubicle walls.

By Friday things start looking like a tailgate party.  Tribe members were actually lighting fires under the feeder tray of the fax machine to grill brats and burgers.  There seemed to be an unwritten rule about the cooking of fish, and whispered tales of the terrible death, and dismemberment of a poor fool who had tried to blacken tuna steaks.  Of course, no work was done, and the celebrants were dancing a tribal dance down the central hallway.  A line of happy, joyful people, ignoring phone calls, and emails, intent on making the most of the moment, and plans for the coming weekend.  Electricity filled the air, the tyranny of week days were almost at an end, and the tribe was "bustin' a move."

It was a sight to be remembered, smiling, laughing people, in a long line weaving in time through the building, in one door, out the next, texting, emailing plans, "meet me at Phil's House o' Burgers for a beer," without losing their place in line.  Distant drums pounding time, a hypnotic beat driving a mesmerizing scene.

And, we have the weekend, two days of liberation,  But, following that, Monday.  But, Friday is coming, hold on to that thought.

Another small victory for aging mice.

There is startling news from the world of science this week.  Hey, Brother can You Spare A Couple of Units of A Positive?  Three separate studies confirm that infusing elderly mice with the blood of younger, more vibrant, healthier mice have noticeable effects.  Among the many benefits were increased memory, strengthened and rejuvenated muscles, and an improved sense of smell, which may be a mixed blessing depending on the personal hygiene of the other mice in the area.  But, the implications are profound and exciting.

Scientists may be able to counteract some of the debilitating results of aging, including age dependent muscle deterioration, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, cancer, dementia, and other neurodegenerative disorders.  Of course, research is still in the early stages, but there is a lot of excitement.

Several well known doctors are taking notice of the potential benefits, and are expressing great interest in the process including Rudolph Tanzi, professor of neurology at Harvard, and Director of the Genetics and Aging Research at Massachusetts General Hospital, who is "kind of blown away, really."  Also, Countess Elizabeth Barthory "The Blood Countess" and Vlad of Walachia, "Vlad the Impaler," both of whom were quoted as saying "Wow, I was ahead of the curve on this one."

Buffy, and Van Helsing remain unconvinced, vowing to offer empirical evidence showing the best way to prevent aging is by dying, though they are not really talking about themselves, as they pat the pile of wooden stakes on the industrial, grey metal table.

One thing remains certain; in the battle against growing old scientists have made remarkable progress, but when I look in the mirror it is obvious they have a long way to go.

Reporting live from the heart of middle age, this is Tim for Life Explained.

Your Guide to Technology.

With our cable television we received a DVR (Digital Video Recorder).  A revolutionary device that records the things we want to watch while we are watching something else we want to watch.  Proving the theory that there is always "something good" on TV, not only something good, but often two things that have earned the "something good" classification, at least from my family.  After recording it we are free to watch it whenever we like, as often as we like, and we can skip the boring parts, and get right to the scene where (please, feel free to use your imagination and insert your favorite bit of any show you might record, and watch repeatedly here).

However, the real magic in this heaven sent electronic marvel is the ability to pause, rewind and fast forward "live television" (technically, it does not have to be live television, which is defined as "a television production broadcast in real time" and pausing it and rewinding, or fast forwarding through portions would ruin the spontaneity the producers hoped to achieve using "live television") so you can pause the program you are watching and grab a handful of corn chips, and some salsa, and maybe some cookies and milk, or crackers, cheese, and a drink, or a sandwich, potato chips and some dip, or a candy bar, and iced tea, or..., you get the idea.

Hindsight is important, but imagine being able to view the present with that same air of smug comfort and confidence that comes when looking at the past.  That level of "man, that was some high point, for me, I really nailed it."  That is where the true value of manipulating "live television" lies.

I take a relatively busy freeway to work each morning, and an accident can really throw a wrench in the gears of commuting.  Knowing there is a tie up can really save time.  Watching the local traffic report is helpful, I recommend it, in fact, but sometimes an accident will happen after I leave and before I get to work.  If only there were a way to check the traffic report for the future, that would be great.

Thanks to the electronic voodoo provided by the good folks at (I'm not sure who manufactured the DVR that was provided by our cable company, and I am not too happy with our cable company so I am not going to mention their name, until they meet all (or at least the reasonable portion) of my demands) I can fast forward into the future and make sure the sailing is smooth all the way to work.  Ain't technology grand?

One morning the traffic report showed my car in a small accident, nothing too serious, just a wrinkled fender,
and probably a broken head light, so I took a different route.  I thought that was so smart.  Unfortunately it opened a tear in the time space continuum and an army of demons poured out and destroyed most of area between the Fifth Avenue curve, and the Leonard Ave. exit before Doctor Dawg and I managed to repel them and close the rift.

It was real drain on the city budget, and tied up most of the road repair budget for the next several years, and several city council members and community leaders were really upset.  There are things that need to be worked out, obviously.  All in all, though, I am a big fan of this high tech stuff.  You should get some.

You need to get in on this.

People who know me will say if there is one thing that interests me it is technology, and predatory animals, and using technology to keep an eye on predatory animals.  That might be more than one thing, but people I know have little use for math, or the rigid confines of proper vocabulary, we are rebels.  So, when I read on PRI, (Public Radio International, yes, I read the radio, on Facebook, did I mention our rebellious nature) that I could download an App to track sharks it was a mad dash to the iTunes store.

Now I am following Lydia, a Great White Shark, as she travels across the Atlantic Ocean.  Not like a

"I think we may be following this one a little too close."

Private Eye following an unfaithful spouse to a seedy motel where he will drink tepid, foul tasting coffee, and eat peanut butter sandwiches with his Canon Rebel DSLR equipped with a Canon EF EF 100 -400mm Telephoto lens (on sale now at Amazon, don't miss this deal, it is crazy cheap) in hand, waiting for a few fuzzy photos.  But, not exactly like following someone on Twitter, either, though that would be closer.  But, I can open an app on my phone (iPhone 5, soon to be outdated and will be offered at very reasonable prices, by everyone) and see where she has been.

Apparently, this shark has surprised the scientists at Massachusetts Division of Marine Fisheries, because she is swimming around in the ocean.  No, I am only kidding, what is surprising to them is that she seems to be crossing the Atlantic Ocean (apparently they feel sharks prefer coastal waters), and may be on her way to Ireland, perhaps arriving just in time for Saint Patrick's Day.  Which shows a remarkable sense of timing, and current events.

According to the article (The PRI article about the Shark) tagging Great White Sharks is rare and difficult.  It seems that someone on the boat needs to distract the shark, maybe with a card trick, or some sleight of hand (sharks are suckers for magic tricks, but who isn't) and another person needs to sneak up behind the shark and stick a tracking device to it's back using industrial strength marine adhesive.  That sort of glue is so caustic and irritating that it was difficult to find volunteers.  No, I just made that up.

There are many difficulties and it is potentially dangerous for the shark, but these good people are trying to save this majestic creature.  They work long hours under trying and difficult conditions, all in the name of conservation, science, and education. I think everybody should show their gratitude for the difficult work by reading the article, and downloading the app, it is available, for Apple as well as Android devices at the OCEARCH.org website, here (Try it, you will be the coolest person you know.).

Imagine, at the touch of a button, (is that what you call it on capacitive touch screen, who cares, not us rebels, that is obvious) you can see where dozens of sharks are, and where they have been.  There are worse ways to use a smart phone, you know?

We knew that, already.

In the early parts of the 20th century a radical new theory began to sweep through the scientific community, (there were no reliable vacuums in those days, so sweeping was the best they could hope for), that offered to explain almost everything in the universe.  It was called Quantum Mechanics, or Quantum Physics.

This new approach was considered revolutionary and many Mechanics, or Physicists, felt that it would explain almost everything everywhere, all the time.  Of course, scientist are kind of radical about those things and sometimes they get a little carried away.

However, being scientists, the first thing they did was rush over to the black board and start writing complex mathematical formulas that consisted mostly of letters, a few numbers and some zeros.








Soon enough, they realized that math with letters is really hard, and may be impossible, so they started doing experiments, which every one knows is the fun part of being a scientist.

What they found was shocking, if you put a cat in a closed room with cyanide, and it takes the cyanide, but you don't see it take the cyanide, only later you open the door and see the cat has taken the cyanide, or didn't take the cyanide until after you opened the door, wait, there was something about a switch, I think...  Well that is not a very good example for lay people like you guys.

Let's move onto time, apparently Quantum Mechanics or Physics, I am not sure why they ever used mechanics, I've done a little bit of auto repair, kind of, at least I do pump my own gas, well most of the time, sometimes I loan my wife my car when it is almost empty and she has to fill it up, though she is catching on to that little trick.  Anyway, Quantum Physics states that time can be a variable, dependent on placement and situation.  As explained here.

https://medium.com/the-physics-arxiv-blog/d5d3dc850933

Obviously, quantum physicists never had to read one of their articles, because that was the longest 5 minutes of my life.  It seemed like days, and I slept through the worst parts.  And, I swear to you, when you are in a traffic jam, or a doctor's waiting room time almost stops.  And on the weekend, time is shot from a cannon, and flies away, frighteningly fast.   We don't need a rocket scientist, or a quantum physicist to explain that, do we?

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow when we cover the Evolutionary Biology and the US Houses of Congress.

Monkeys in space, why is it always monkeys?