Gardening, growing a lawn, and enjoying life

Yesterday I planted grass, kind of. It was a bag of patch that my wife bought. But, it had grass seed mixed in with small bits of recycled pulp of some unknown waste product. So, there is a big, kraft paper colored spot on my lawn where there used to be a brown dirt patch with sparse grasssy outposts. Of course, the tufts of grass are still there. Sticking bravely through could be a chewed up wet box. But, soon, with luck, water and unrelenting hope there will be lush grass. Today I am breaking out another bag, my wife goes a little crazy and working on different parts.

Further, I picked the first cucumbers off the vine. A momentous occasion, normally anything I plant ends up dead. Sometimes it dies as I am putting it in the ground. A screaming, piercing death, a noise unlike any I have ever heard, until I deciced to garden. Once, I went out to found one of our tomato plants had uprooted itself, braided bark into a crude rope, fashioned a noose and hanged itself from the tree. It left a note and said, "sorry, Tim, I know you had hopes this year but sooner or later the axe would fall and the anticipation was killing me."

This year, though, things are different, our tomato plants have reached glorious heights and have produced actual tomatoes. Just small, green balls the size of marbles, or golf balls, all clumped together for safety. Predators are everywhere. It brings me a great deal of pride to know that somehow I haven't managed to kill these wonderful, hearty plants. There is still time, but, I think we are going to get along pretty well.

I've started talking to them, nothing too elaborate. Just pleasantries, mostly. "Hey, how are you guys?" 

"We're good." They will say. "Did you see the weather?" Weather is a big topic among plants. It can get a little irritating, but you have to be gentle, they are more tempermental than the president.

"Cool, dry, comfortable. Can I get you guys a drink?" 

"Please, that would be so nice."  

We talk about the various issues facing the world. They think we need to cut back on green house gasses, and try to stop climate change, most plants feel that way. But, they don't get too pushy, they are pretty happy with some water, a little sunlight, and sometimes they enjoy a little music. They really like the Zombies, "She's not there," really gets their leaves moving.

So, the lawn is getting better, and the garden, such as it is, is growing right along. This summer has been kind, and I am content. Please take a look at my latest column on the Wild Word. My life as an insider, kind of. Tell me that ain't a happy guy.

Power to the People

Today, while I was "working" the power went out. Electricity stopped flowing, all moving parts stood still. We have battery backups for our computers that give us enough time to save anything we are working on, and turn the machines off safely. Not really a problem for me, I never do anything important.

Of course, everything starts beeping, chirping, crying for attention. Everywhere in the building tiny little alarms were sounded. "power went out. help me."

And it hit me. I should have gotten some water. In the kitchen there is BenchMark 3000 XL with a UV filtration system that dispenses frosty cold, UV filtered water. I don't know how it works but ultraviolet light has no sympathy for contaminants that make water taste stale or musty. It needs electricity to work though, and that spigot had been closed.

If you think I can ever go back to tap water after tasting the nectar produced by mixing light and water you are fooling yourself, friend. It must be H3O. I was willing to just give up and turn to dust right at my desk before resorting to that humiliation.

In fact, I had started working on my last will and testament. I was using my phone since the computers were not working, and I'll be damned if I'm going to use a pen and paper. Do you take me for a fool? Besides, I am not even sure I have a pen that works at my station. I would have to get up and walk around to the desks of people who had not yet arrived, or those down enjoying a cigarette during the brief lull in modern technological productivity.

Then it hit me, I should get a cup of coffee before the delicious life giving elixir gets cold. Newton's law of cooling is quite specific, TS > TE  System S cools until it is in thermal equilibrium with E. In an isolated system TS decreases while TE increases. Obviously, I had to hurry.

 Unfortunately, many of my coworkers had performed the calculation as well. A line had formed at the coffee maker. Ten people looking lost, sad and forlorn, staring in abject misery at the little pot. There was only two and a half cups left in the carafe. The power was out, the water cooler didn't work, and the coffee was almost gone. It was looking desperate. I wondered how long we had before we had to pick the weakest associate and eat them.

Then something beautiful happened. Mitch from Customer Relations filled his mug, took a sip and handed it to Marge, from Legal Services. She took a sip and passed it along. Somebody started singing Blowing in the Wind. A chorus of off key, creaking voices joined. People were crying, holding each other.

"I am going to miss string cheese the most," a timid voice said. Sobbing people started talking about the things they would miss most from civilization. It was touching and beautiful, in an awful, and terrible way.

Man, were we embarrassed when the power came back.

Kayak episode two.

My first kayak trip was a success. Actually it was a smashing success, a grand slam homerun, an endless celebration of man and machine working in harmony to overcome the difficulty of getting from point A to to point B, and then back to point A. Point A is where the car was, and the cooler full of bottled water, and snack crackers. And my wife, my patient, lovely wife, who agreed to come with me, and help me get started. She knows I get nervous, she knows I watched so many videos, and still had no level of comfort.

She remembers when I decided to quit smoking and asked the doctor for Chantix. She remembers how I read the personal accounts of the character altering horrors of the drug. I started having side effects before I even started taking the drug. I went from Doctor Meek to Mr. Hyde based on the power of suggestion. Oddly enough, I had all the side effects from the reading about the side effects, and didn't have any from the drug.

Where I kayak, the only time I have kayaked, there is a small boat ramp and several muddy beaches to launch a kayak. I chose the muddy beach, because of the hundreds of videos I watched about launching a kayak the beach looked the least likely to end in humiliation, and if it did there were fewer witnesses, and mud is kind of dirty, but it is a lot softer than a concrete boat ramp. Point A.

Point B was almost everywhere else. I just cruised, and stopped, and looked at the choking, strangling trees that crowded the shore everywhere. It was so peaceful, even knowing that humanity and all of its problems were only minutes away in any direction. For a few brief seconds I was sailing around in a world of my own, Except for all the other kayaks, and a few motor boats, and a lot of people standing on the bank fishing. Richard Byrd, James Bruce, Lewis and Clark never felt the sense of serene amazement I had paddling my little plastic boat around the tiny island.

In fairness they probably did not think, "man, think of the poison ivy growing in that jungle." So I guess it kind of evened out. And they probably did not have a cold bottle of sparkling water waiting for them, and a patient wife who listened to the entire trip as if it were a mission to the moon.

I am going out again this weekend, my wife has agreed to take some pictures of me cruising in my "yak" (that is what us kayakers call them, I guess we are too busy for both syllables) and I will post them here. Next month we are going to vacation on Lake Superior. And I will have my kayak on the big lake, the one "they call gitche gumee."* Trust me, my wife hasn't heard anything yet.

*Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot.

Take the plunge.

Weekends are wonderful. The best of times, the end. There are a lot of cherished rituals, time honored, finely tuned practices. Mowing the grass, which is so much nicer using a human powered, reel mower, quiet enough to listen to music, no ritual is so perfect it can't be improved.

Throwing burgers on the grill is another tradition. Technically it doesn't need to be burgers, it could be brats, or steaks, or ribs, chicken, chops, whole zucchini, ears of corn, almost anything. Yesterday it was burgers, though. Of course, yesterday we started the burgers, and then the rain came, so there is no tradition so practiced it can't go wrong.

On weekends I like to go for a walk through the park. It is not a big park, but it is heavily wooded, with a well established path running through the forest, and a nice bridge spanning the small creek. Since it was warm, humid and the sky was dark, ominous and echoed with the distant rumble of thunder I had the park pretty much to myself. And something kept crashing through the woods and brush just out of sight. Whatever it was it sounded huge, hungry and carnivorous. No routine is so normal being stalked by an unseen, terrifying beast, even if it doesn't exist, won't dampen it a little.

Next week I am adding a new practice to the weekend lineup. I am going kayaking. My kayak is home, waiting, it will be licensed tomorrow, and next weekend it will be on the water, and I will be in the kayak, while it is on the water.

I know what you are thinking; "you hate boats, and you are terrified of water." True, and I have no explanation, but, I have always wanted to kayak, They say you have to face your fears, and for the most part I think that is nonsense, rubbish, just a whole load of crap. But, I am facing this one, I hope I live to write the blog post about it.

Fishing, it is not for everybody, or maybe anybody.

Saturday, round two, us against the fish. And we answered the bell. Armed with a PDF map of the reservoir, a youtube video explaining the optimal knot for attaching a lure, and the hopes and dreams of untold generations of ancestors. Ancestors who braved the elements to provide sustenance for their family. Ancestors who carried a cooler with a couple of ice cold bottles of water, Dasani or Aqua Fina, our ancestors would never settle for store brands. On top of the bottled water was blue ice, pioneered by hard working ancestors to keep their bottled water cold, ingenious people our ancestors.

Of course, no fishing trip would be complete without some snacks on top of the magical blue ice and its mystical properties of coolness. We took Gold Fish crackers, just to spite the fish, and of course a small bag of bite sized Oreo's, for dessert, dessert is so important.

After carefully choosing our starting spot, we parked the car, (after driving through a mud puddle, which is fine, I have four wheel drive vehicle, it was kind of an accident, I picked out a car with the features I wanted (blue tooth, so I don't have to listen to the radio, or plug in my phone) and it happened to be four wheel drive, so mud puddles don't scare me, very much) and hiked down to the shore, which was a lot closer than it should have been.  Due to the above average rainfall the lake was at an above average height, or depth, or however it is said.  We fished for a while but there was little room for casting, standing or us.

We hopped in the car, locked in the 4 wheel drive (just kidding, we were right by the highway) and moved on to the next place. It was near a bridge, and it looked promising. It had a wide bay on one side of the bridge, the shore was lined with giant rocks, to prevent erosion. Which should make excellent cover for fish, who want to hide, dart out grab a quick bite and duck back undercover (kind of like people who have spent the evening drinking and want a burrito before going home).  At least that was my theory, and since it was the only theory we had it seemed wise.

Unfortunately, the bay was wide and to keep people safe, even people with 4 wheel drive, the road was lined with a guard rail, and parking was waaaayyyy down at the end. But, that never stopped our hungry, determined ancestors, or us. We got out, grabbed our poles, tackle and cooler and we were off.  There was a narrow path through what appeared to be an ancient rain forest, filled with ticks carrying terrible, potentially lethal illness, so we opted to walk the miles down the side of the road back to the rocks.

Once there, after about 2 hours, we scrambled down the rocks, which is as close to death as I ever want to get. We stood there, under the withering rays of the sun, baking, casting, retrieving, sweating, and cursing the enemy, the fish. Oh, they were out there, we saw them jumping, and heard their insults. "Hey, mammal, you look warm, and sweaty, and kind of stupid."

We fished and we had fun and we some cold water and we will be back, fish. Next time will be different, we will have some cans of pop, or soda, or cola, (you choose) with our water, and you will not be so lucky.

Healthy Living, it Ain't for Everyone

Ohio ranks 47th in the effectiveness of health care spending, according to the nonpartisan Health Policy Institute of Ohio.  Which is bad, but could be worse, because they rank all 50 states, and the District of Columbia separately, so it is not 47 out of 50, but 47 out of 51.  It has led to a rally on the lawn of the statehouse, with people chanting "we're not the worst, we're not the worst."

Apparently, despite my best efforts to become healthier, thinner, more fit, by quitting smoking, exercising, eating smarter, eschewing the elevator at work, and walking often is not enough.  According to an article in the Columbus Dispatch Ohio ranks 44th in adult smoking, 46th in adult diabetes, 48th in child immunizations, the list goes on and on, without varying much.

Not all the news was bad, though.  Ohio does rank 11th in accreditation of local health departments, and in employee sponsored health insurance, and 12th in fluoridated water.  So, it is not without hope. There are highly accredited local health departments with great teeth.

According to the report only Maine, Wyoming Indiana and West Virginia are less healthy than Ohio. Here is the bad bit, though, they spend far less than Ohio on health care.  It costs far less to be unhealthy in those places. In Ohio we have the privilege of being one of the most expensive, least healthy places.  In  fact, Ohio ranked last, bottom of the barrel, absolutely abysmal, in value for the health care costs.

This leaves two obvious choices, either provide better health care, or charge less.  Both of these are difficult, and require sacrifice. Obviously, prevention is much less expensive than cure, but it requires cooperation between doctor and patient.

Yes, a doctor can say "you should quit smoking, and lose some weight, you disgusting, overweight slob, before it kills you.  That will $230.00." Unless the patient is willing to take this sound medical advice to heart, it will do no good.

Conversely, a doctor can say "you have to start eating at least a few vegetables every week, and changing the channel at every commercial is not really aerobics.  That will be $75.00."  Charging less, or making people healthier, or both, which is going to work?  Probably neither.

But, we here at Life Explained, have a third option.  Embrace the slovenliness, welcome the weight, advertise the sloth.  Nobody likes to be told how they need to diet, nobody wants to hear they need to exercise more, people know they need to quit smoking. Everybody gets sick of the constant lecturing, brow beating, criticism. Ohio can make that a claim to fame.

"Fat, lazy, and proud, come to Ohio, you will be welcome."  Let other states give big tax breaks, and abatement's to attract businesses, selling future revenue for a brief bout of popularity, (kind of like life).  Ohio can boldly proclaim, "bring your business here, we won't tell you how to live your life, we like you just the way you are. Plus, we have donuts."

Businesses will flock to the state, the restaurant industry will flourish, tax revenues will rocket, and the state will be fat, and happy, and everybody will be grateful.  We can annex Indiana and West Virginia, we might need the extra room.  Ah, the future is bright, ah life smells sweet, like fresh caramel corn, or a fried Snickers bar.