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Thursday, January 23, 2014

Winning the InterOffice War and Reducing Stress #SaveThePlus

Research has indicated that stress is a very bad thing.  Stress has been linked to heart disease, hypertension, high cholesterol, drug and alcohol addiction, tooth decay and gingivitis, and chronic fatigue.  It has been estimated that 90% of all doctors office visits are for stress related ailments.  These factors combine to cost the American economy billions* of dollars every year.  Is there a way to eliminate stress, remove it from the harried pace of modern life?  Can people manage to be productive, and somehow reduce the amount of stress?  Can the great engine of American Industry and Service Related Occupations find a middle ground, and still make billions for share holders and executives without driving mid level personnel and their subordinates into an early grave with the constant demand for larger margins, and increased profits?  No, probably not.  So it falls on the individual to somehow manage the overwhelming stress that comes with these herculean expectations.

Don't worry though, stress can actually be healthy.  Not if you are experiencing it, of course, you need to pass it on, and watch it's effects on others to enjoy the benefits of what is now being called "The Joys of Stress."  

Step 1 is picking a co-worker, somebody who is kind of a jerk, with a reputation for rage, an
uncontrollable, seething cauldron of anger.  The kind of guy who gets results by driving his employees into the ground, a driven, hateful, vengeful bastard that "the man" loves and is fast tracking to the top.  After finding the candidate start forwarding all of your emails to him, with requests like "hey can you handle this, my plate is kind of full?"  Even when your wife emails the instructions, "pick up some lima beans and corn, we are having succotash for dinner."  Send it right away.  "Hey, take care of this, would you?  I am swamped."

If he complains just point out to everyone, "I was only trying to reach out to the guy."  Nobody will criticize you for "reaching out" to the guy.  It is the most popular activity in business these days.  You can almost hear Little Eva singing,

"Everybody's doing a brand new dance now,
C'mon baby reach out to your coworkers by asking them to do 
Meaningless, trivial tasks that are beneath you,
You know you'll get to like it 
If you give it a chance now."

And to really sell the deal throw in a few words about "team building," and "communicated expectations," and don't forget to add a few "empowerments" and "action points."  

Soon, you will feel the stress slipping away, as you retire to your "happy place" filled with creamy, sugary, iced coffees, and life sustaining pastries.  While the former VP candidate wrestles with his own inability to complete assigned tasks, guide his associates, meet goals, and enjoys a savory dish consisting of corn and shell beans.  

Tune in tomorrow, when we discuss "Delegation, The Key To Sloth."

* Exact figures are not available, and would be too stressful, anyway.