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Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Winter Vacations for the Cheap, and Broke.

We are proud to announce the new Travel Section of the Life Explained Blog.  With the Polar Vortex screaming across the frozen landscape of Canada it is time to escape to warmer climes, more hospitable weather, a place where frozen drinks are a welcome choice, not a bitter reality.  Unfortunately, recent events (mostly the vengeful retribution of the gods of chance, at the poker table) have left us a little short on cash.  But, there are wonderful options at hand for the more frugal among us.

"What, it's going to get worse?!??!"
Yesterday, here at the Life Explained headquarters it was twenty nine bitter, windy, icy winter degrees.  And that was pretty warm when looking at the forecast.  Turns out looking at the forecast was not such a good idea, soon the walls were closing in, the room was getting smaller, desks being crushed,computers malfunctioning, emails bouncing back, phones short circuiting, lamps flickering, faxes garbled, eyesight dimming, can't breathe, cold fingers of death tightening around ...  Maybe we need to get out and, maybe we should see the world and we should do it on a budget of $1.22.  And, so can you.

We just put on our insulated coveralls, parkas and, ski masks right over the top of our cargo shorts, flowered shirts and, sun visors, load up in the car and head to the grocery store.  If you are afraid to drive in these terrible conditions we  will pick you up at your house, drive you to the local store and, take you on a trip around the world, sort of.

Hello, Mr. Chips
Don't let gloomy, cloudy, grey, dreary days get you down.  Look at these, nothing says party in the warmth like a colorful bag of tortilla chips.  A splash of lime, and a few cacti, and all of the sudden the world is a fiesta.  Man, we feel better already.

Healthy and, multilingual pancakes.

If a bag of delicious, salty tortilla chips is not enough, take a look to the heavens, or at least the signs hanging dangerously over your head, it is conveniently translated into Spanish, the language of sunshine and parties.  Everybody repeat after me, "Fantastico, can someone get me a cerveza?"

So real it might be deported.
But, we are not done yet, why settle for phony, artificial Mexican food, on this almost real trip to the wonderful country south of the deep freeze we call home, when "authentic mexican" food is one a quick grocery cart push away?  You can almost hear hear the salsa music calling you to dance, and feel the warm breeze caressing your wind chapped, raw, red, cheek, like a Mother's kiss.

We will visit one day when we have more time.
Not in the mood for a trip south?  No problem, how about a jaunt across the pond?  Fish and chips, anyone?  A few warm beers, and some more fish and chips, (all right, we admit, we don't know much about British food, and did not pay that much attention, the store employees were getting a little suspicious by this point, and we had to hurry)  and we will all be singing "God save the queen," at least we think that is a song.  Maybe you are in the mood for something Mediterranean, nice and warm there, and very hip, for very cool people.  Here you will need to fill in your own food choices, maybe some pita chips and, humus, maybe a gyro, we are not sure and, we had no time to look around, the police were searching the store one "country" at a time and, were beginning to close on our location.

Then a nap.
After a hard day traveling the world, one aisle at a time, it is time to head over to the "outdoor living section," and enjoy the fruits of our labor, after a quick stop in kitchen appliances and accessories to pick up a can opener, and a dash into hardware to grab a box opener. Now, we are talking vacation!  Warmth, comfort, and convenient to the restrooms.  Pass around the chips, and salsa, and pop open a few cold ones, while I run over to the electronics department to grab a tv, and one of those of little, electric grills.  Now would be an excellent time to point out the dangers of burning charcoal indoors, it emits a lethal gas that can cause security personnel to go absolutely insane.  Trust us on this.

Don't forget to tune in next weeks episode, "Asia on the run, for the price of a postage stamp."