Winter Hits the Local News. Oh the horror.

Central Ohio has been cursed with warm, wonderful weather until recently. Highs in the 60's, low's in the 30's, some rain, and some sun, and some pleasantness. But, that changed, winter has come to visit. Not terrible winter, no polar vortex, no bone chilling, below zero, life force draining weather invasion, just a small dose of winter. We can take it.

But, it has been very hard on the local news broadcasts. "Team Coverage" of a light snow falling gently on a gradually waking city does not do much for ratings. They deserve some applause for effort, though.

One  intrepid reporter was sent north of the city, where there might have been a little more snow, marginally. He was lucky enough to find a shallow ditch in an abandoned field where undisturbed snow had peacefully accumulated to a noticeable level.

With the camera following his every move he waded bravely into the once pure snow, almost 2 inches high, and said breathlessly, "you can see the accumulation, as my tracks lead me back to the safety of the road." It made me realize how fortunate I was not to have to brave that snow covered field today. Oh, thank you kind hand of fate.

The meteorologist told us that it was only a light snow, and there would be several breaks, but, it would continue, on and off, lightly for most of the day, or at least until early afternoon. I'm praying that I get away.

Wet freeways, and a frantic traffic reporter caused general delays in the commute. "Even though the Department of Transportation has been clearing roads and spreading salt nonstop for the last two days, the snowfall has made the roads a little wet. So leave early, and drive slowly, inch along like you are walking on ice." And they did. Safety first, even before common sense.

There was another report from the Public School bus lot, where despite the seasonable cold, and light snow buses were running without delay, or even inconvenience (until reaching the freeway anyway). But I was making lunches, and did not hear how they were planning on dealing with the normalcy of the conditions. Which is alright, I am not that brave, anyway.

But, now I am safely at work, and hunkering down for a long day of watching the mild winter storm choke the life from the city I love, gently, slowly and only until early afternoon.

Your Winter Vacation Hot Spot

Climate change has altered things all over.  The cold has started wafting across the River Styx, reducing the ambient temperature in Hell. Cerberus is wearing a lovely argyle dog sweater to stay warm.  He does look dashing, and very stylish.  But, with the temperature so moderate, and comfortable, Hades is no longer such a forbidding, punishing place.  Since most of the income was generated by the hellish nature of the place, and the incarceration of those less than wholesome new revenue streams were required.

Tourism is very profitable for places with comfortable, temperate climates, and Hell has cooled significantly the last several years.  The Polar Vortex has a long, powerful reach.  It seemed only natural to build a few resorts, start adverting, and bring in some of those free spending visitors.

Obviously, there is plenty of plenty of cheap labor, so building new hotels and amusement parks was not a problem.  Nor was staffing them.  Plus, with the more comfortable temperatures the people who were put there to suffer, were having a pretty easy time.  Putting them to work as laborers, carrying, toting, hammering, using filthy portable toilets, it would be suitably biblical.  At least it would be better than having them laying around enjoying the unseasonably pleasant (in any season) weather.

Since labor laws, or the laws of physics, don't really apply in the pit of everlasting misery construction wrapped up quickly.  Sprawling, extravagant, sumptuous vacation resorts with indoor pools, water slides, underworld class golf courses.  It was wonderful beyond imagination.

Of course, they needed to hire a good advertising firm to overcome all of the negative press.  Years of everlasting punishment, fire and brimstone don't make for wonderful travel posters.  

Scrubbing the sulfur smell from the environment was not a simple matter, but a little ingenuity, several cans of Lysol, some scented candles and ceiling fans, and the odors of torment and despair were no worse than most places filled with tourists.

So, the new hot spot (really, nice, warm spot) during the long weeks of insufferable, terrible winter , Hades.  Your #1 golf and goofing off destination, Hades, the Underworld Paradise Destination, bring your swim trunks.  Remember, it is warm, but it is a dry heat.

Today, It sure ain't yesterday,

Today we are starting a movement to hire the Polar Vortex as a salaried, seasonal employee.  Beginning in June each year we would like him\her (for the sake of this post we will call the Polar
Vortex Her) to move to the Midwest, and manage our weather for us.   

She has proven herself to be a powerful, effective supervisory asset, and we think that kind of authority should be rewarded.  We are willing to offer you a generous salary, we will discuss the final numbers with your agent, but, rest assured it will be much more than any weather pattern has ever been offered.

There is a gernorous retirement plan, fully funded, stock options and medical insurance.  Also, we will throw in a health club membership, not that she needs that, she looks very fit, and healthy, but just in case she wants to work out. 

Also, and this is important, we are willing to give her the winter off, and she is  free to spend it anywhere you want.  We do ask that it not be Central Ohio, though.

Polar Vortex, if you are reading this, please let us know, and we will process the paper work, quickly, efficiently, and in speedy denial of all reality.

Will it never end?

As we drove to work this morning, the air in the car never warmed enough to be comfortable, wisps of snow chased us down the freeway, swirling playfully around the car. The thermometer read 18 degrees.  That was almost as warm as it was going to get, it was going to be colder tomorrow, and the rest of the week was already ruined by bitter, arctic cold, and predicted, impending, paralyzing snow.   The Polar Vortex was back.

+Luna LaBlue, owner of the incomparable my lowercase life blog commented on one of these endless, posts whining about the unfairness of this terrible, awful winter, that she was learning to adjust, and had taken the approach of relative discomfort.  She looked at temperatures that used to seem very cold, as comparatively mild, and weather that once seemed life threatening as almost bearable.  We are taking a different approach, and have several plans to combat this latest invasive species, the arctic winter, from destroying the American Way of Life.

The first, and most likely to succeed, plan is complex and will require some cooperation from the power companies in the Northern States, Canada, and the United Nations.   Everybody knows about all the windmills dotting the landscape across the Northern part of our country.  Normally, they use the wind that sweeps across the plains to generate electricity.  This plan involves reversing the flow of electricity and turning the faces north, using all of these windmills as giant fans to push the Polar Vortex back to Canada, from whence it sprang.  This will have the added benefit, if Doctor Dawg's calculations are correct, of generating drenching, much needed rain across the Southwest, and reducing the drought that has been so damaging.

Since it is so difficult reaching all of the parties needed to bring that project to fruition, we have begun a more metaphysical, (maybe supernatural) guerilla campaign.  Placing the blame squarely on the local weather people, mostly that Mike Davis guy from the local CBS affiliate (WBNS 10tv) because that is the station we watch the most, for creating the news, in this case the weather news, by prediction.  We have begun a noisy crusade of boycotting all of the sponsors of the local news programs.  Writing letters, sending emails, making phone calls, all demanding that they make the weather people predict nice, comfortable conditions, and loudly proclaiming my disdain for any company that would support such an awful, deplorable week.

Of course, this could backfire, since many of the local companies are places we shop, and a boycott wouldn't carry much weight if everybody saw us patronizing the places we threatened.   But, Doctor Dawg, and I have figured a way around this, until we win the war.  When things get improve we don't expect a lot of thanks, or praise, or free food, just knowing we made life better for everybody, and temperatures above freezing will be enough for us.

It's been a long winter.

We are beginning to gain an advantage in the battle against the Polar Vortex.  It is not easy, and every additional degree Fahrenheit is a small victory.  But, there have been unavoidable, and inexplicable, changes here at Life Explained.


For one thing, Doctor Dawg grew a much thicker than normal Winter Coat.  Yes, it looks a little unnatural, but we believe this to be a normal, Darwinian response to obscene, horrible, external stimuli.  Very similar to the way the Chinese developed an affinity for masonry construction around 220 BC in response to Europeans stealing their ideas for noodles and gun powder.











It was more shocking when Doctor Dawg grew a Winter Tie to go with his heavier than normal winter coat.  We think this may be a natural response triggered by unusually cold temperatures lasting almost forever, and management cancelling "Casual Friday," just because someone drank the last of the coffee and didn't make another pot.  Either way, after hours of extensive research we think this is the first non-conditioned dress code response to an external event, in evolutionary history.  This is probably an example of "Disruptive Selection," where two extreme values become most common, in this case the coat and tie.   Though, he does look pretty sharp.




Most shocking, however, was when Doctor Dawg grew a Winter Bow Tie, and Winter Glasses to match his heavier than usual winter coat.  Our biological geneticist believes this is a direct response to the article about how girls go nuts over brainy intellectual types in the magazine in the break room.  This would be the process of "Adaptation," where an organism acquires traits that help ensure survival.  In this case being able to find a date for the company party in lovely REDACTED FOR SECURITY REASONS!  Anyway, it is an exciting time for science, and we are happy to be on the cutting edge, look for our article soon to be published in several high falutin' science magazines.

The Hazards of the Winter Commute.

Today's commute was particularly challenging.  There was, of course, the normal winter problems, little snarls, that add time and a bit of complication to the daily drive, icy ramps, and bridges, and slow drivers who should have stayed home (if you can't handle a little snow take the bus, right?) and suicidal maniacs who drive as if they are being pursued by demons from the deepest, blackest pits, frozen icy patches be damned.  

Compounding these normal traffic hurdles were the ice bergs forming around sound some of the slower moving vehicles, and the roaming, marauding polar bears, who obviously mistook the off black Honda Civic in front of me for a seal, and were ripping the car to pieces trying to get at the tasty morsels, nestled screaming and wailing, inside.  You know, stopping to help would have been a good idea, but after leaving the house kind of late, and the slow down on the ramp it was touch and go about getting to work on time.

You know, you really can't blame the polar bears, (one of whom distinctly said, "you know, they taste a lot like chicken.") bears hunt and eat, it's called survival.  However, those Eskimos could find a much better place than the freeway to build their igloos!  All of those whale remains are very slick on the Fifth Ave. Curve, it is a hazard, and someone should petition city council, someone who isn't so late for work, of course.

Well, I am almost at work, so stay warm, stay dry, and watch out for the wolves they are moving south along the freeway, following the caribou, it is really slowing down traffic.  A word to the wise, don't get out of the car to snap a few photos, ravenous, hunting wolf packs are not the best subjects for Instagram, and your loved ones will have trouble collecting your life insurance if you've been devoured.

Winter Vacations for the Cheap, and Broke.

We are proud to announce the new Travel Section of the Life Explained Blog.  With the Polar Vortex screaming across the frozen landscape of Canada it is time to escape to warmer climes, more hospitable weather, a place where frozen drinks are a welcome choice, not a bitter reality.  Unfortunately, recent events (mostly the vengeful retribution of the gods of chance, at the poker table) have left us a little short on cash.  But, there are wonderful options at hand for the more frugal among us.

"What, it's going to get worse?!??!"

Yesterday, here at the Life Explained headquarters it was twenty nine bitter, windy, icy winter degrees.  And that was pretty warm when looking at the forecast.  Turns out looking at the forecast was not such a good idea, soon the walls were closing in, the room was getting smaller, desks being crushed,computers malfunctioning, emails bouncing back, phones short circuiting, lamps flickering, faxes garbled, eyesight dimming, can't breathe, cold fingers of death tightening around ...  Maybe we need to get out and, maybe we should see the world and we should do it on a budget of $1.22.  And, so can you.

We just put on our insulated coveralls, parkas and, ski masks right over the top of our cargo shorts, flowered shirts and, sun visors, load up in the car and head to the grocery store.  If you are afraid to drive in these terrible conditions we  will pick you up at your house, drive you to the local store and, take you on a trip around the world, sort of.

Hello, Mr. Chips

Don't let gloomy, cloudy, grey, dreary days get you down.  Look at these, nothing says party in the warmth like a colorful bag of tortilla chips.  A splash of lime, and a few cacti, and all of the sudden the world is a fiesta.  Man, we feel better already.

Healthy and, multilingual pancakes.

If a bag of delicious, salty tortilla chips is not enough, take a look to the heavens, or at least the signs hanging dangerously over your head, it is conveniently translated into Spanish, the language of sunshine and parties.  Everybody repeat after me, "Fantastico, can someone get me a cerveza?"

So real it might be deported.

But, we are not done yet, why settle for phony, artificial Mexican food, on this almost real trip to the wonderful country south of the deep freeze we call home, when "authentic mexican" food is one a quick grocery cart push away?  You can almost hear hear the salsa music calling you to dance, and feel the warm breeze caressing your wind chapped, raw, red, cheek, like a Mother's kiss.

We will visit one day when we have more time.

Not in the mood for a trip south?  No problem, how about a jaunt across the pond?  Fish and chips, anyone?  A few warm beers, and some more fish and chips, (all right, we admit, we don't know much about British food, and did not pay that much attention, the store employees were getting a little suspicious by this point, and we had to hurry)  and we will all be singing "God save the queen," at least we think that is a song.  Maybe you are in the mood for something Mediterranean, nice and warm there, and very hip, for very cool people.  Here you will need to fill in your own food choices, maybe some pita chips and, humus, maybe a gyro, we are not sure and, we had no time to look around, the police were searching the store one "country" at a time and, were beginning to close on our location.

Dinner,

Then a nap.

After a hard day traveling the world, one aisle at a time, it is time to head over to the "outdoor living section," and enjoy the fruits of our labor, after a quick stop in kitchen appliances and accessories to pick up a can opener, and a dash into hardware to grab a box opener. Now, we are talking vacation!  Warmth, comfort, and convenient to the restrooms.  Pass around the chips, and salsa, and pop open a few cold ones, while I run over to the electronics department to grab a tv, and one of those of little, electric grills.  Now would be an excellent time to point out the dangers of burning charcoal indoors, it emits a lethal gas that can cause security personnel to go absolutely insane.  Trust us on this.

Don't forget to tune in next weeks episode, "Asia on the run, for the price of a postage stamp."

Today, and a little yesterday, and maybe some tomorrow.

With the new year already almost two weeks old, it is time to review, many things have happened, and many things haven't.  It is vital to understand the difference.  Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it, and if the past hasn't happened yet then it is probably the future, but if it is happening right now, it might be the present, but soon will become the past, and every thing you learned studying current events in high school should have probably been covered in history class.  But, if they had cool people in the curriculum department they would teach "future events" now that is class we could really get on board with.  Imagine the potential, a teacher telling you what was going to...  Anyway, you probably get the idea.

Readings in Fahrenheit, to convert
to Celsius move to Europe.

The big event was the polar vortex.  Obviously, this is a direct result of the war on Christmas, we did warn you that Santa was fighting back.  It was a bad idea, and now it has spilled over into January, sort of a guerrilla action by the North Pole, kind of a parting shot, letting everyone know who is really the Big Kahuna.  Santa knows who has been naughty, and who has been nice.  So, if you lived in an area that saw frigid, bitter cold, winds chills, ice storms, snow storms, or bizarre meteorological occurrences of any kind, that probably spells big trouble for you next December 25th.  Santa has a keen memory, and he brooks no insubordination.  

Big, Important Award,
of some type, for somebody.

Of course there was some good news, there was the Grammys, or the Oscars, or the People's Choice Award, or the SAG awards or the Tonies, or the Golden Globes, or something like that, but it was hosted by hilarious people and featured talented musicians and singers performing their monster hits, and the audience was filled with beautiful women, and handsome men dressed so fashionably it would make a grown man weep, and possibly install a strip of red carpet, and a few high intensity lights in his garage, so every time he came home he could feel good about himself..., not that we would know anything about that.  And it was just the first of many, so settle into your recliner, grab some popcorn, and a drink and get ready to watch some people who make a kings ransom, get some awards, and make some speeches.  What a way to spend an evening, huh?

The NFL playoffs are here, and every weekend two groups of people will watch the same contest, and walk away with completely different opinions of the officiating.  There is, of course, the opportunity for unlimited advertising potential completely overlooked.  Race car drivers are walking advertisements, hotels, motor oils, shoes, snack crackers, anybody with a few bucks to kick in can put a tiny patch on a fire proof jump suit, and almost be seen by race fans the world over.  Imagine "today's officiating crew bought to you by Bob's house o' Vision, where no line bifocals are always only $129.99 and the Eye Exam is always free."  Half the fans would think, "that Bob, he sure knows his no line bifocals."

What will happen with the rest of the year, who knows, but there will be some good stuff, some bad stuff, and a lot stuff that defies explanation.  But, we here at Life Explained will always do our best to explain it, an exercise in futility, maybe, but futile exercising is better than no exercising, right?