And now a big announcement.

We have been under a lot of pressure, here at Life Explained, Official Political Investigative Office Division (LE-OPIOD) to endorse a candidate in the Presidential race. However, it has been much more like a Presidential rat race. Or it would be if the candidates weren't acting like such complete jerks. Over the years we've actually been able to learn a few things from rats in laboratories. Try getting these presidential hopefuls to run through a maze for a small piece of cheese. Not on your life.

If you take away the plagues, rabies and certain viral infections rats have actually been useful at times. Giant rats are being used to diagnose tuberculosis in Mozambique. And in Cambodia rats are being trained to find the modern military equivalent of a plague, landmines. We have yet to see any of these candidates do anything so useful.

None of this would even remotely suggest that we are endorsing a rodent for President. That would be absurd. They could never carry the crucial farm vote.

So, we have decided to change our position, it is not like a Presidential Rat Race. It is more like a Presidential Roller Derby. Or it would be if there seemed to be any point in the endless attacks, name calling and endless whining sounds.

In roller derby, they have a group of people working together to perform... We are not sure how points are scored in roller derby. But, we are sure they have at least a couple of people trying to accomplish a shared goal, using a more or less coordinated strategy of violence and intimidation.


We are not suggesting that a roller derby participant run for office. We assume they are too refined for that kind of ridiculous drama. And if we were going to endorse an entertainment figure it would have to be Bob Dylan, because he is Bob Dylan, after all.

We are hoping a candidate will rise above the fray, and win our votes the old fashioned way, whatever that was. If not, we will announce our endorsement on November 5th, everybody loves a winner after all. And we might be able to wrangle a cabinet level position from our backing.

Vote For Dr. Dawg,

My fellow Americans when I become president I will build a wall on our southern border.

I will build a wall on our northern border.

I will build a wall on the east coast, I will build a wall on the west coast. I will slap a roof across the top, and we will have the worlds first climate controlled nation.

No more sweltering, humid summers, no more frigid, icy winters. Cool, comfortable conditions year around. That's what I do, I live in comfort, and so should you.

Who will build the walls, and the roof? Cheap foreign labor, that's who. Because we will all be too busy living the good life, because that's what I do, make people wealthy. Wouldn't you like to be wealthy?

And I will get the other countries scattered throughout the uncivilized parts of the world to pay for it all. Because I have the worlds greatest collection agency working for me. That's what I do, I get paid, and you will get paid too.

I make dreams come true, that's what I do. And I will make your dreams come true. After I am elected.

People have asked "couldn't you do a lot of those things without being president?"

I tell those people "shut up!" And they shut up.

My name is Doctor Dawg and I approved this message.

Vote For Doctor Dawg, why not, I mean look around, who else is there?

This is the February of our discontent

Monday, and the wolves are closing in. And if you think it is bad where you are remember those poor bastards in Iowa. With a candidate for almost every registered voter, the pressure in overwhelming.

There are stories of voters being trapped in the restroom, unable to use the facilities because of the camera crews following the candidate who is busy explaining his views on aid to corn growers.

One person had to be rushed to the hospital with severe dehydration. She had been surrounded by candidates wanting to "earn her vote." She was trapped for 7 days, as the would be presidents promised to keep her safe. "It was like being trapped in a burning cliche factory, all of this hot air swirling, spinning, cyclonic, carrying cloyingly noxious fumes of sickening tripe." She is in protective custody.

Giant buses are crossing the state, pulling into small, scenic towns, jumping out in the town squares, making outlandish promises, and slinging terrible insults. Residents are afraid to come out of their houses.

There is talk of declaring a disaster. The Iowa National Guard is being mobilized. But the enemy is elusive, moving fast, stopping only long enough to snap a few photos, and speak incoherently about values, and trust.

We ask that you keep Iowa in your thoughts today. Maybe they can pick off a few before the battle moves to your state.

Maybe Next Time,

After careful examination of the available data, dissecting the elaborately hidden positions of all the candidates. Plans shrouded in the secrecy of "trust me, I know what I am doing." We here, at the Dr. Dawg for High Place Elected Office have decided to withdraw our candidates name from the 2016 Presidential Primary.

We have, instead, decided to campaign, with vigor, for the office of Vice President. Sure, being President would be cool, but the competition is fierce this year, with senators, governors, congress people, doctors, titans of industry taking part in multi stage debates, spanning all three rings covered by the big top.

Dr. Dawg feels the circus like atmosphere is beneath him. He refuses to engage in the name calling, mud slinging, childish behavior like those clowns. He says if the other babies want to swing their rattles and rag dolls at each other it is fine with him. He refuses to lower himself to such ridiculous,

asinine, antics.

To be on the safe side we here at Dr. Dawg Election Central are endorsing all of the candidates in both parties.

Particularly the one with all of the really good ideas, you are by far our favorite. It is only a matter of time until your shining light leads the way out of this political dark forest the covering the country.

You know who you are, Dr. Dawg thinks the two of you would make a wonderful team. Don't you?

It is time for a real leader who has made real sacrifices, and has a real video.

Today is what we, here at Life Explained, like to call Wednesday. We don't really have time for all the Hump Day nonsense that happens at places like General Dynamics, or Boeing, or Northrop Grumman. We wish we had that kind of time.

And we would if we were just assembling little toys, and trinkets. Man, wouldn't that be nice if we could just punch the clock, slap together a fighter jet, or tank, and head home to have a nice meatloaf, or pot roast with the family. Man, what we wouldn't give for a big plate of Kielbasa and cabbage at the kitchen table with the wife and kids. What were there names again? Nobody remembers, that is how busy we are.

Do you honestly, for a minute, for even a second, think the guys at Lockheed Martin, or Raytheon are too busy to remember the names of their loved ones? Of course you don't. They are probably still sitting at home in a stained sweatsuit, drinking fresh, hot coffee, and scraping up the last bits of biscuits and gravy with their finger. Just waiting for the sun to climb above the horizon so they don't have to drive to work in the dark. Makes us sick.

But, we are not complaining, we do it to keep the nation, the world, even the solar system, and possibly the entire Milky Way galaxy safe from the threats that you don't even want to know about. So, we won't tell you, because we care about you.

Don't you think you should vote for a candidate who is willing to make these kinds of sacrifices, met these demands, toiled in these oppressive conditions? Don't you think a candidate who can handle this type of adversity would laugh at the so called "crises" that plague the world today?

Paid for by the Doctor Dawg For President Committee 

Not responsible for comments or misleading images.

James Polk, and Coffee, Get A Cup.

Doctor Dawg, in his zeal to raise money the old fashioned way, by peddling other people's crap, has called on some old friends to help him out.

We are talking old friends, in this case 220 years old. A person whose exalted position and unquestionable character have made him a natural for the job of brand spokes person.

Without further ado, let's introduce the 11th president, James K. Polk.

Tune in tomorrow, when George Washington tells us about lip balm, crossing the Delaware was difficult, trying and really dehydrating, and nobody can concentrate on conducting military operations with dry, cracked lips.

Bought to you by The Vote For Doctor Dawg, it is your only hope" campaign and bakery, where the promises are always fresh, and the donuts are always delicious.

Troubles in the Deep South.

In the newspaper today there was a list of presidential candidates and the amount of money each had raised. It was an obscene, embarrassing amount of money. More money than most of us even knew existed. It was very troubling, and we should talk about how much it cost to purchase an elected official.  But there is something more troubling. Apparently, there are giant centipedes in Texas.

Yes, everything is bigger in Texas, and it is a source of pride. However, this is probably getting a little carried away. According to reports the terribly big, probably lightning quick, monster is not a real threat to humans. The bite will be more of a sting that causes swelling than a deadly, debilitating, rapidly accelerating venom induced death spiral. 

There is no confirmation but, our crack team of Life Explained investigators report that this huge, terrifying beast uses an alternate method to stalk humans. It scares people to death. Fortunately, we did not lose any reporters to this menace. Mostly because they reported from their homes, in the basement, behind closed doors, under the pool table, covered by a tarp.

Thank you, fearless investigative reporters. You have the gratitude of an adoring nation.

We would like to take this opportunity to add that Dr. Dawg has accepted no campaign contributions (not yet, anyway, wouldn't you like to be the first?). And, if elected he promises to make all the giant centipedes wear bells, trying sneaking up on someone and scaring the bejesus out of them sounding like a department store Santa Claus.

Here is the latest campaign video. If you have a special interest group you would like us to pander to just drop us a line. There are plenty of people who feel they are being ignored by the major party candidates, those are all people, our folks.

Another day, another candidate

Ohio Governor John Kasich is kind of announced he is going to announce his candidacy for the Presidency on July 21st. No real surprise there, almost everybody in the country, except Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, is campaigning for the Republican nomination. Mr. Kasich's announcement may come as a surprise to the rest of the country, but in Ohio everybody knows, the press is reporting on the coming event regularly.

Governor Kasich's intentions are probably widely known.  It seems the only thing elected officials can keep secret are the myriad additions to spending bills and budgets. Additionally, the man has been traveling to Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina. All of these are probably wonderful places to visit, but the coincidence is too enormous to overlook.

Which begs the question, why wait to make his announcement, is this an attempt to make a flashy entrance by being fashionably late? If everybody who pays attention already knows what advantage can be gained from waiting? Isn't he afraid all of the good sources of monetary contribution will be taken? 

Honestly, how much money can be left? Look at the fund raising figures for the real candidates, it is incredible. Running for president can be like a license to print money. Or more accurately, like a license to have other people print money and hand it over, in heaping piles. Most people can't even understand the wealth raised and spent during a presidential election cycle. I can't, anyway.

According to reports any candidate who wants to be taken seriously will need to raise over 100 million dollars. That is a lot of coin, friend. If I were walking down the street and found a $20.00 bill that would be a big thing, I would feel pretty lucky.  This is like they walked down the street and found a $20.00 bill 5 million times. How lucky is that? and this does not even include Super PACs, and all of the Inferior PACs, who have a little cash, too.

What do they do with all of that money? A lot of it is spent attempting to convince voters that a chosen candidate, no matter what anybody else has to say, is the least objectionable. "Make no mistake, you might be sorry if you vote for our guy, but not as sorry as you could be, if you catch our drift." 

In a way it is similar to the old "protection" scheme made popular by television depictions of organized crime. "Accidents happen, we just want to minimize your risk." Or maybe it is like insurance, I will think about it and let you know.

Anyway, John Kasich is no fool when it comes to politics, I'm afraid that job is left to the voters. He has a plan, and it involves money, huge piles of money. Most of it used to belong to someone else. But, when he announces, please act surprised, even Governors have feelings, you know.

vote for Dr. Dawg, what do you have to lose?

Dr. Dawg for President, Hey,you could do worse.

The power went out at work today, fortunately, not until after I had downloaded the free app of the day.  Halftones 2.  It is time to start campaigning.

Doctor Dawg, he won't make any big mistakes.

The Race Is On.

It is an exciting time to be an American. With the presidential election cycle approaching it is time to stock up on snacks, and drinks, and mud proof clothing. It will be several glorious months learning the best and worst of the presidential hopefuls. It will be an enlightening and terrifying, and glorious, and horrible, and we will be glued to the coverage. Unable to look away, unable to avert our gaze, unable to forget the images of our potential leader absolutely trashing each other.

Where else will you get to find out the "values" of our society, spelled out in graphic detail. One, shining, bright example of  patriotism and wholesomeness exposing the wretched, filth, and corruption in others.  It is like Captain America telling voters about Satan. Except Satan would never lower himself to run for office in America, it is too base, and deceitful.

There is a lot to be learned from presidential hopefuls, but most of it is very difficult to believe. Who could believe that there were so many people, so corrupt, so incompetent, in the higher reaches of government? It is important to remember, when you are losing all faith in elected officials, that they are pulled from the general public, that they are just us. So, there it is, scattered all over the television, America's dirty laundry aired for all to see. Sixty second glimpses into the state of America, bought to you, at great expense, by other Americans.  Americans who are trying to help you decide between candidates, who start to sound remarkably similar.

Candidates raise enormous, obscene amounts of money, most of the money will be spent on losing, it is a sad truth, that only one person can win the election. We need to make it more fair, similar to youth sports where every participant gets a trophy.  Otherwise all of that money, impossibly huge sums of money, piles of money that are ridiculously huge, laughable in size and scope, for all but one candidate will be wasted.  Which is sad.  I am not going to try to tell you how much money it is, it is beyond the scope of my simple mind.

But, it is not only the money involved. Think of all the poor volunteers, and supporters. All of the time, and passion, and faith wasted. Sometimes these poor people have switched candidates two or three or more times. Their first choice drops out after South Carolina, and they hitch the cart to some blazing hot property storming through Texas, Tennessee, and Colorado.  But, red hot politicos can fizzle out under the intense scrutiny of a multi candidate debate.  A smiling face imposed over a waving flag makes for a good commercial but won't save a wilting performance while being called out on immigration issues.

These poor people are stuck backing one loser after another, and it makes for a poor election night result.  Finding out your third or fourth choice is not good enough, one more disappoint in a string of election cycle heartache.

Now imagine if everybody who raised a hideous pile of coin, so big as to be unimaginable, a crushing, terrible amount of cash, where allowed a turn at being president.  Of course they would need to pass certain requirements, and would have no more power than the average president.  And, instead of spending all of that money campaigning they would have to donate it to all a good charity, like the US economy.  But, everybody could  be happy, for a while, the country goes on down the path to the next election cycle.

Donate to your favorite candidate, he has a real chance this time, they all have a real chance.

I am announcing my intention to announce my candidacy, at some point, anyway.

Look, there is not a lot of activity on the ol' Presidential Campaign trail.  This has really dampened spirits around Life Explained.  With both parties searching for a candidate there should be mounting tension, bitter sniping, and general blame and immature, petty finger pointing.  Enough for even the most jaded observer.  Things are sadly lacking.  Sadly.

Except for one fellow, one lone, brave Texan, the field is barren.  And, I don't want to alarm anybody here, but I read where Ted Cruz accused Ted Cruz of being a liberal, tax and spend, tree hugging, pantie waist.  Naturally, Ted Cruz fired right back, defending his record on tax cuts, and the use of government shutdown as a cost saving measure, even going so far as to challenge Ted Cruz to an a series of televised debates.  It seems politicians are born to this behavior.

Anybody who has been paying attention could tell you the American Political landscape is more divided and disastrous than ever.  There is no safe haven for candidates anymore.  Party affiliation means nothing.  Factions have become the battleground in what is rapidly becoming a guerilla war for presidency.

In many ways presidential campaigns are the ultimate explanation of the human experience.  It starts nobly enough.  A person who wants to help, and is willing to sacrifice so much in an effort to guide the country he loves.  What could be more pure?  But, as time marches on, and the atrocities of campaigning strip away the thin veneer of civilization true humanity, in its most fundamental form begins to claw and tear its way through.  Not unlike the classic scene in the thrilling expose "Heavy Metal" when Hannover Fiste recants his testimony on behalf of Captain Lincoln F. Sterne.  Beginning with a thoughtful, considered defense of the Captain's character, and eventually explaining that the captain was so reprehensible he "should be torn into little bitsy pieces and buried alive."  Ultimately, offering to do the job himself.  So goes the campaign, in the end it becomes a vicious game of last man standing.  Battle hardened, weary, and filled with rage, but standing.  Only a fool would rush into that, or a person who feels the call of destiny.    

This might explain why the field is still so bleak.  If you declare early you need to pursue the base, the extreme, and the moderate.  It requires a balancing act, a unicycle ride, across a mine field, while juggling broken bottles, filled with burning gasoline.  There are many who find this activity unappealing.  

If you are willing to wait, and jump in more toward the end of the campaign, you can be more focused, and tailor your message toward the side that seems to be winning.  Safer for your reputation, but it is calculated. You have less chance of alienating most of the voting population, but it is possible that voters will say "who is that guy?"  

It would be similar to rushing in at the last minute of a robbery, jumping on the robbers back, wrestling him to the ground, and listening to the applause.  But, in that scenario somebody who was there may have already disabled the gunman, and you will look foolish, busting down the door to save the day.  A day that has already been saved.  Plus, you will have to pay for the door.  

Obviously, politics in our world have become a matter of timing, substance means little.  Substance is probably a liability.  Anything of substance is bound to have a grating effect on somebody.  Better to be everything to everybody, at just the right time.

With that in mind, I would like to announce my exploratory, bi partisan, focus group to decide when I should announce my candidacy for the office of President.  It seems like the hope for a dramatic ground swell of dissatisfaction driving a grass roots write in victory might have been a little optimistic.  Americans love to innovate, as long as someone else does it.  We will be testing the waters, and when the wind is favorable, and the time is right, pow, we will be there.  

Until then go ahead and take a long, hard look at that Cruz guy.  Ask yourself why he has changed his name, and so drastically altered his appearance "Top Gun?"  Normally, that is not a presidential trait.  But, you can decide, we hope.

Voting the ultimate charity.

We, here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) have decided to move forward with a new fund raising strategy.  It is almost fool proof, it is almost perfect.  Plus, it is so simple that almost anybody can do it.  That's right, we are going to run for president.

Well, not all of us are going to run for president, not that all of us shouldn't run for president, don't get us wrong, all of us would make a wonderful president, you should be so lucky to have us all for president, being president would be easy for us after the things we have been through, why the stories we could tell you...  Anyway, we are going to pick one of us, and he, or she, is going to run for president.

Thorough research has indicated that campaigning for president maybe the most lucrative profession in the country.  And you don't even have to win, people will hire you to give speeches, and advocate on their behalf, and there are book rights, and made for television movies, and... it is just a good idea.

First, there are the fundraiser dinners.  People pay thousands of dollars to have a meal with us.  And we don't even have to cook, serve or clean up.  Where else are you going to find a sweetheart deal like that?  We have trouble getting somebody's mom to fix up a plate of cookies and drop them off once in a while.  And, then we have to wash the plate, and take it back.  And, if we ask for a few dollars for gas, maybe a cup of coffee for the trip back to work they ask like we are asking if we can move back home.  Which would not be so bad, we could help out with the yard work, and maybe pitch in for the groceries.  They could do a lot worse than us for a room mate, we can tell you that, we bring a lot to the table, we have a job, and our own microwave, and...  Anyway, there is a lot of money to be made in dinners like that.

Second, there is that cool bus, traveling across the country, shaking hands, meeting people.  Sitting down, breaking bread with the common people, the salt of the Earth, the good folk of this fine country.  Discussing the issues, exploring their priorities, learning what they feel is wrong and needs to be fixed in the nations capitol, and then ignoring it completely.  But, a lot of those little diners have excellent pie or cobbler, fresh, dairy churned ice cream, and big steaming mugs of hot, delicious coffee.  And, we are pretty sure someone else picks up the tab.  Man, the people of this country have it made, really, what are they whining about, we are the ones stuck in that stupid tour bus, with all of those boring charts, and displays, and the constant, endless whining sound of unemployment, budget, foreign policy, reach across the aisle, you know what, let the people put down their coffee mug, and spoon full of ice cream and cobbler, and deal with that stuff, that is what we think should...  Well, we are off to Dubuque, we hear The Golden Hen has a fantastic omelet.

Hey, is that a tax exempt political donation,
or are you just glad to see us. 

Third, there will be people lining up to hand us suitcases full of money.  How many times in your life have you been in a position to accept bags of cash from fantastically wealthy people?  We don't really care, that was not really a question it was more of a declarative, yes we realize it was phrased as an interrogative, but trust us, we can tell by looking at you nobody ever handed you a sack of cash.  It was an example of using rhetoric to emphasize the validity of an argument.   We used a phrase that would invoke a strong visual reaction to make a point.  What was the point?  Well... what was the point?  Oh, yeah.  There is a lot of money being handed to candidates today, and according to the candidates, and donors, it is not to influence policy, or buy elections, it is just to... it is only for... we don't know why they go around handing out serious piles of coin like that, and we don't care, we would just like to get out hands on some

Remember, it is your government, and it only works if you all vote, and donate, so get out and vote, and donate.  We take cash, checks and all major credit cards, jewelry, electronics, and motor vehicles. Can our opponents say that?

Presidential Campaign Preseason, Where Winners Are Made.

Today, in the Columbus Dispatch it was reported that Senator Rob Portman has announced that he would not run as a candidate for President.  He chose, instead, to seek reelection to the Senate.  According to the article Senator Portman claimed he was not interested in being Vice President either.  He feels, apparently, that he has a lot of work to do in the Senate.  Admirable, to be sure.  Senator Portman does seem to be a decent person, moderate, and reasonable, characteristics that are in short supply in the Capitol.

But, none of that matters, too much, because we, here at the Life Explained (#lifeexplained) Political Campaign Headquarters (#politicalcampaignheadquarters) are not at all interested in people who are not running for office, and people who are not even willing to campaign for Vice President are particularly uninteresting.  We want to know who is running.

Since Ohio is a battleground state (we like to think of ourselves as Kingmakers (#kingmakers)) we get to spend a lot of time being catered to, and wooed by candidates.  And, they spend a lot of time and money briefing us on the shortcomings of other candidates. Information desperately needed to choose the least awful candidate, the person least likely to completely ruin everything.  We really get to see the seamy, despicable side of candidates, thanks to other candidates.  We, here at the Life Explained (#lifeexplained) Presidential Campaign Headquarters, (#presidentialcampaignheadquarters) are very grateful.  Imagine the time Ohioans would have to waste looking up all of the terrible things about prospective presidents themselves, it would destroy the state economy.

Right now there are potential presidential candidates assembling armies on the frontiers of Ohio, massing volunteers, raising funds, building war chests, getting ready to invade the state.  All of them just waiting for the right   It is always a calculated risk to be the first one to announce.  Sure you get the best seats in Iowa caucuses, an important early feast for candidates, but you open yourself to numerous attacks from other presidential would be's.  All roads to Ottumwa start in Ohio.  And you know what state is between Iowa and New Hampshire, you guessed it, Ohio.

Obviously, there are a great many benefits to Presidential campaigns, here in Ohio.  Monetary rewards for sure, but more important, a sense of importance, and fulfillment.  Ohio is still recovering from the collapse of the steel industry, and was hit hard by the problems of the auto industry, and we can't forget the Drive in 1987, when John Elway cut the heart out of Ohio, or the Shot, in 1989, when Micheal Jordan stomped all over that heart.  Clearly, we need a little something to make us feel good.

There is no better cure for a poor self image than hearing about the awful shortcomings, and terrible habits of another.  If that person is a famous politician, with a ridiculous amount of money, powerful backers, a Super PAC, a tour bus, a manager, and possibly a political Juggernaut to call his own, then so much the better.

In the interest of our fine state, the slowly recovering economy, and the sluggish job outlook we, here at the Life Explained (#lifeexplained) State Recovery Ministry (#staterecoveryministry) would like to recommend a more robust Presidential Campaign Season, something along the lines of the NBA, or the NHL, or MLB, or for that matter the NFL, or thinking reasonably, it that is still a possibility, any professional sport.  One that seems to never end, with a championship leading right to preseason, right into the regular season.  It is growth industry, and the country needs some good news.

Another crisis, another quick response. You're welcome.

 
It was a beautiful evening, Dr. Dawg and I were sitting on the patio of an exclusive club, in a fashionable, trendy neighborhood, sipping smooth Kentucky bourbon, and expensive, imported beer. Life had rarely looked so promising. It was so wonderful we were both wearing sunglasses despite the gathering dusk.

"We should have some grilled shrimp with picante, and chili peppers." Dr. Dawg said, as a pretty girl walked by, smiled, and patted him on the head. I swear, the ladies love that Dawg. Looking around and trying to get the attention of our waitperson, I heard the unmistakable sound of Elvis singing "Hound Dog" echoing off the glass table top and the half full pint glasses. Showing that Dawg how to change his ring tone was a big mistake. Who knew there were so many songs about dogs? It will be awful when he discovers the Baha Men.

He answered it quickly, "Dr. Dawg, talk to me." He nodded his head several times, saying "I see," and "yes, yes." After several minutes he ended the call with, "don't worry, I will handle this."
Looking me in the eye, he drank down the last bit of his delicious, golden, European draft, rushed inside to the restroom, and reappeared as Candidate Dawg, jumping onto a table top, and began to speak in a clear, promising, compassionate voice.

Reenactment 

Just as quickly, he hurried off,  and came back, sunglasses, and flowered shirt, ready for a relaxing evening as a private citizen.  Campaign contributions deposited, email addresses secured, and another victory for democracy, free enterprise, and capitalism, all in all a pretty good evening, for our hero.

Mid Terms, Our Big Chance.

Mid term elections are now heating up, and the insults, innuendo and accusations are beginning to fly.  Up to this point it has almost seemed lackadaisical, or at least inconsistent, almost polite.  No more, though, it is full swing, and the hate is evident.

Each candidate, more accurately each candidate's proxy, PAC or party apparatus is desperately trying to convince voters of the incompetence, and potentially criminal activity of the opponent.  One can only assume it is much easier to compel people to believe the bad.  "How could you possibly elect my opponent, he is so much worse?"

After only a couple of days we have decided that we, here at Life Explained, a company of sane, rational, productive, tax paying citizens of this nation, can not possibly waste our vote on any of these awful, despicable felons.  In fact we are not sure they are wholesome enough, have the mental acuity, and moral faculties to clean bathrooms in Hell.

Of course, we are still committed to fulfilling our obligations in this grand experiment known as the United States.  As Charles de Montesquieu said, so conveniently appropriate for the sake of this blog post, "the tyranny of a prince in an oligarchy is not so dangerous to the public welfare as the apathy of a citizen in a democracy."  Well said, Mr Montesquieu, well said.

So, we have decided, since we need to vote, all of us, here at Life Explained, we are going to run Dr. Dawg in every race, in every district in which one of our fine employees, here at Life Explained, lives.

Needless to say, this is going to be very expensive, television ads, campaign staff, and all.  So, please, for the sake of our country, give generously to the "Dr. Dawg (please fill in seat, judgeship, school board, or any  elected  position here).  It  is your civic duty.  Remember, vote for Dr. Dawg, it is your only hope.

Everybody Needs a Vacation

We have been very busy here at Life Explaied.  Things are going extraordinarily well, here at Life Explained, we are days ahead of schedule on our time travel machine, thanks in large part to our time machine.

Our expedition to Mars is well under way, and the good news is we found Martians, the better news is they love the same foods as us.  Twinkies, HoHos, Fruit Pies, burgers, hot dogs, shakes, and iced caramel macchiatos.  We have started carrying extra provisions on every trip and are actually turning a nice little profit.  And here is the great news, since the profit is made on another planet it is not taxable income, probably, we think.

We have been burning the candle made with midnight oil at both ends, if you get our drift.  It was no surprise when Dr. Dawg decided to go on a short vacation.

Maybe he had a motive

Dr. Dawg for President.

It is almost time to choose, it is almost time to make a decision.  Who will be suited to carry us into the future, who will be the one to make a difference, who will we choose to lead the country?   

Oh, sure there are a lot of choices this early in the pre-season, virtually everybody who has ever run for office, is still alive, and hasn't been president yet is a potential candidate, has an exploratory committee, and is raising money.  Plus, there is always the threat of a wealthy, unelected, dark horse candidate, who doesn't mind the insurmountable odds, and rushes headlong into the fray, without a chance of winning. Though, if a person is looking for fifteen minutes of fame this is perfect, and if you can manage one misstep, gaffe, or indiscretion you could go down in history.  Please, stay tuned for this seasons model. 

However, for those who are tired of career politicians, and all of their experience, and knowledge about what makes the government work, for those who grow weary of Washington insiders, and all of their accomplishment, and connections, and credibility around the world, we offer you a fresh choice, a new solution to an old remedy of a non existent problem, we offer you Dr. Dawg for President. 

Not only does he not have any governmental experience, at any level, he has never even held a real job.  He is the ultimate political outsider, he has never even voted, and he knows nothing about almost everything political.  If you are tired of all of the coiffed, tailored clowns trying to give away the whole circus Dr. Dawg is your man, well not really your man, he is your candidate.   

Let's look at several questions from our panel of experts.  In the sake of honesty, we are not sure how many people a "panel" requires, so it might be a forum, or a group, if anybody knows the qualifications, please post a message with the details. 

Q:  "Do you have a plan to balance the budget, without raising taxes?" 

A:  "Yes, I do have a plan to balance the budget, and unlike my opponents, the fools, buffoons, and clowns, I am not going to slash spending, and unlike the idiots who are stupid enough to oppose me in this election I am willing to share the details of my plan.  Phase one of my plan is to use the police department as a taxi service.  They spend most of their time driving around anyway, right?  Why not have them pick up fares, and bring in some much needed "revenue enhancement."  Here is the beauty of the plan, if you are running late, and need to pick up the pace just tell the officer, and for an additional fee he will flip on the lights and sirens, and get you there in a hurry.  And, if you are lucky enough to be in the car during a high speed chase, ending in a shootout, and have the necessary funding available we will let you squeeze off a few rounds.  The ultimate thrill ride.  We are going to open Fire House Pizza, and Chili Burgers, in real fire houses.  Delivery in thirty minutes or less, or your next ride to the emergency room is free!  That alone should provide a budget surplus like this country has never seen.  If not, we are noodling with some plans involving Armed Services Demolition Co., but these are still on the drawing board." 

Q:  "Where do you stand on immigration?" 

A  (sort of): "I have a very strong stand on immigration." 

Q:  "What is it?" 

A (more of a Q, really):  "What is what?" 

Q:  "What is your stand on immigration?" 

A (not really, but we pay by the letter)  "That is all the time we have for today, I am going to work on some very important policies, and procedures, and reforms, and maybe a quick nap.  Thank you all for coming." 

Dr. Dawg Is Running For President.

Tis the season

Finally, a breakthrough in campaign finance reform.