Oh No, Not Another Blog Post

Recently I fell into a slump. I'm not sure what happened. I didn't exercise enough, writing became a chore, life was odd. I don't really know why. Sure, I hurt my knee, technically, my knee hurt itself, the doctor said it was tendinitis, I think he just didn't want to say "you're getting old and you weigh too much."

Also, I have spent way too much time reading about the current administration, and the "reality television" approach to diplomacy. Honestly, I worry that we are only a few foolish miscalculations from the war to end all wars, the war to end all humanity. And, if anybody is liable to make a foolish miscalculation and stumble into a nuclear exchange Trump seems as likely as any, ever. I watched the way he acted with our "allies" and our "enemies" and it made me recoil in horror. Here is a man with the theatrical sense of a professional wrestler in charge of the nuclear weapons.

I'm not really sure how much control the president has over targeting decisions, very little, I hope, it is not too difficult to imagine our president wanting to bring "fire and fury" down upon Canada for their aggressive trade imbalance. After all, between my wife and I we have had at least three cars, American cars, mind you, Chevy, Chrysler, those kind of things, that were assembled in Canada. That takes a lot of damned gall. Further, on Sunday, my wife and I stopped at Tim Horton's (a notoriously Canadian company) and had breakfast, I feel like such a traitor.

Plus, one of the guys I work with quit and moved down south to start a small, organic farm, one of those field to table kind of things, and the decision was made not to replace him. Which does lead to additional work for those of us who didn't quit, the survivors. I don't blame the quitter, not too much anyway.

Here I am toiling away.

Truth be told, I have quit a lot of jobs, (I was an awful job hopper) and I would have probably quit this job a long time ago if my wife hadn't threaten to kill me in my sleep if she missed another vacation. Now, I am so old and feeble (see paragraph 1) that I am probably lucky to have a job at all. So, we are stuck with each other, me and the company for whom I work, until that golden age when my wife can retire with her civil servant pension and I become a kept man. What a lucky girl.

So, life has been hectic, and I am pretty sure the current administration is going to drive us over the edge in a foolish, suicidal act of ignorant nationalism (see WWII for example), but until then you are not going to get rid of me that easily. Yes, that's right, declining health, extra work, toil, labor and paranoia will not deter me, it will take the destruction of mankind to stop me from having my say.

A new choice for Election 2016

Recently there was some online conversation suggesting that I, Tim, the founder of Life Explained, would make a viable third party candidate for president. In fact, we went even further and decided I would make a good president, maybe even a great president.

So, vote for me and the drinks are free. We could take the nation to new places, provided we can get Canada and Mexico to cooperate.

Having researched the problems facing this country it is clear that almost all of them could be solved with the liberal application of cash. Money is the key.

Vote Early and Vote Often.

Most presidents leave office with a tidy little nest egg, or at least some pocket money, and then they get filthy rich giving lectures, making appearances, shaking hands, and being the ex-president. It is one of the highest paying jobs out there.

As leader of the free world you meet a lot of people with a serious supply of cash. Huge piles of money, and after you retire you can ask them for some of it. "I will speak to your board of directors for an obscene amount of moolah." And they will write you a check. It is a beautiful system.

Since I am not really interested in being all that rich (as long as I can pay my bills and afford an
occasional new app I am happy) I will negotiate a deal with all of those well moneyed people to give the government the money now and I will give the speeches later. Using this Future Applied Money Earnings (FAME) I will balance the budget.

Not only will I balance the budget, I will increase military spending, cut taxes to nothing, improve subsidies for the poor and needy. Improve the infrastructure, schools, hospitals, and libraries. And I will have enough left over to buy the first round.

I will send some coin to the Islamic state and when they find out how nice it is to be wealthy they will come around to our way of thinking. Capitalism is a lot more attractive to people with money.

So, the choice is clear, the old way of thinking, if you want to call it thinking, provided by the Clinton Empire, the bellicose, gaseous, raving of the Trumpster, or the calm, refreshing Life Explained approach. You decide, but don't be stupid about it.

Act now, cabinet level positions are filling fast.

Still undecided, we can help.

Today is the Indiana Presidential Primary. It has all the makings of OK Corral, or the final scene from Highlander, there can be only one. Both parties are teetering on the edge of nomination, and this may be the push needed to plunge into the abyss.

It is the the showdown Cruz has been asking for. A high stakes, high noon duel to the death with "the Trump." Cruz has maintained, for months, that given the opportunity a wave of conservative voters would flood the polls and lift him to victory. With Kasich out of the picture and a state as conservative as Indiana this will be the ultimate test of that theory.

Clinton and Sanders have become locked in a battle of "Woman vs. Socialist."  And the woman is winning. With an assist from Trump proclaiming that she was playing the woman card. In fairness, Trump should talk about Bernie playing the socialist card. He might poll a little better if he had his own card to play.

As the day winds down a nervous country waits for the good people of Indiana to finish placing their bets. It is so hard to say who they will pick. Five candidates who, individually, seem distasteful, but as group they manage to become completely loathsome. Spending millions of dollars to convince America they are not nearly as bad as it appears.

I have never actually trusted a politician, voting has always been a burden.  However,  in every election I can remember there has been one candidate who at least seemed civil, palatable, somebody I could vote for without too much distaste. Not this year. Looking back it doesn't seem like out of all the people who jumped in and declared themselves a candidate could actually carry the "not so bad" mantle.

My only hope is a contested convention (after such a contentious primary campaign it would be fitting) and the candidates will battle throughout, fighting tooth and claw, giving no quarter, until at the end the only person left standing is a decent human being with a noble soul, and a bent for charity. A person whose only desire is to improve the lives of everybody, everywhere. Since that seems unlikely we are endorsing Cthulhu for president.

No matter who's the winner we all pay the cost.

John Boehner called Ted Cruz "Lucifer in the flesh.  "I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life." Boehner said of the presidential hopeful. Lindsay Graham said of Senator Cruz, “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.”

Donald Trump has brought in Bobby Knight to explain how acting presidential is indefinable and explain how his Army team kicked hell out of Navy for eight straight years.

Carly Fiorina and her brand of fiery campaign assault have returned to grace our televisions. She even sang a little tune, and seemed to carry it very well, considering she can come across as such an angry unrestrained tyrant at times.

Hillary and Bernie are locked in a pitched battle over speeches and tax returns. Both candidates pretending they are not wealthy beyond the imagination of most Americans. Somehow, they hope, this will make them seem more sympathetic to the plight of a middle class slowly being crushed under the weight of the American Dream.

Honestly, you would think this kind of presidential combat would delight and thrill me. It doesn’t. The waste of time, the fantastic expense, the irreversible damage to our culture, and society are starting to demand their fee.

And, if you think that isn’t funny, here is something that isn’t even funnier. This is just American Politics of the New Millennium, the Introduction. It is going to get worse. Once the primaries are over and we have the actual candidates tearing each other to pieces over who is less likely to destroy the country then we will see the new reality.

Then we will see American Politics at its basest and most repulsive. And it is only the beginning. The Houses of Congress have not forgotten the valuable lessons learned in the government shutdown and the sequestration. It is frightening to imagine the bargaining tactics they are devising for the next president. Fortunately, the wait is almost over.

And they wonder why it is so hard to get people to vote. It seems obvious.

“Well, the emptiness is endless, cold as the clay,

You can always come back but you can’t come back all the way.”*

*Bob Dylan. Mississippi.

A Taxing Problem for the Candidates

There is a rising tide of resentment growing in the world of American Presidential Politics. A swelling demand to see the tax returns of the candidates. Even noted wealthy ex candidate Mitt Romney has decided to throw out a few tweets, and he has filed tax returns, ran for office and has money so he knows from whence he tweets.

"I will make my tax returns public," is the screaming taunt coming from caucuses, and primary states, debate stages, and town halls.

We will never know if a person is stable enough to run our country without a gander at his 1040.

I would be a lot happier if they made public the results of their Rorschach Tests.

Thank you, it has been a real pleasure.

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow when Dr, Dawg releases his tax returns in a music video. We would like to apologize in advance for another video, or for lying about tomorrow, whichever is appropriate.

Primaries, Primaries, and not a drop to drink.

Today is the nations first primary. Held every four years in New Hampshire, this small state is buried under empty promises, and political ads. If the politicians really wanted to help maybe they would shovel some snow.

I am not politically active, an occasional vote is the best I can do. Even that causes discomfort, and feelings of remorse, and waste. Standing in line, picking the person who seems least objectionable, least likely to make a complete mess of things. Only to be disappointed in such humble expectations, somehow that doesn't make sense.

 I love politics, it is a primitive battle between tribe members attempting to attain the envied "alpha" status. There is something noble about combatants facing the gauntlet of abuse, innuendo and insults, standing against the onslaught of hate, vying for dominance. Noble, but kind of dumb.

For one thing there is very little a president can actually do. Congress, the courts, the press, and public opinion stand ready to interfere, criticize, and confound. Even party members will want to manipulate everything to benefit their state, or district.

Every time a president turns around there will be another elected official with a hand extended. "Want to cut defense spending? Fantastic idea, I can't wait to vote for that budget. You know the best way to reduce defense spending is to buy new tanks from Tank Manufacturers, in the great state of (fill in any state here)."

Of all the abhorrent things empty promises are the worst. I would stand in line, in a freezing rain, in my gym shorts, and a t shirt, to vote for a person who would say "Things are tough, and they are not going to get a lot better. Special interests control everything in our country, and there is not much anybody can do about it. But, I will try to keep things from getting worse."

In the end flowery promises of heaven are nice to hear, and they make wonderful stories on television and in the paper. But, if somebody can save us from hell (and that may not be possible anymore) I would be happy.

Maybe Next Time,

After careful examination of the available data, dissecting the elaborately hidden positions of all the candidates. Plans shrouded in the secrecy of "trust me, I know what I am doing." We here, at the Dr. Dawg for High Place Elected Office have decided to withdraw our candidates name from the 2016 Presidential Primary.

We have, instead, decided to campaign, with vigor, for the office of Vice President. Sure, being President would be cool, but the competition is fierce this year, with senators, governors, congress people, doctors, titans of industry taking part in multi stage debates, spanning all three rings covered by the big top.

Dr. Dawg feels the circus like atmosphere is beneath him. He refuses to engage in the name calling, mud slinging, childish behavior like those clowns. He says if the other babies want to swing their rattles and rag dolls at each other it is fine with him. He refuses to lower himself to such ridiculous,

asinine, antics.

To be on the safe side we here at Dr. Dawg Election Central are endorsing all of the candidates in both parties.

Particularly the one with all of the really good ideas, you are by far our favorite. It is only a matter of time until your shining light leads the way out of this political dark forest the covering the country.

You know who you are, Dr. Dawg thinks the two of you would make a wonderful team. Don't you?

Another point of view UK vs. US, from a very wise friend.

A while ago +Mike Raven and I had one of our "showdowns." This time it was about government, and as always we had had a very good time, and made a couple of videos, and did not take it very seriously. But, +Richard G. Stevens posted a great piece, and it made me feel a little foolish.

Next, a man I have a great deal of respect for, +Rahul Singh weighed in, and sent me the following post. Rahul is a keenly intelligent man with a wonderful blog. But, he agreed to let me post this piece on my blog. It is an amazingly insightful look into a serious subject. It offers the insights that only someone from the outside can provide. Read this wonderful work, it is amazing, and please feel free to write your own post. I would love to hear what you have to say. And thank you, Rahul, your work is marvelous.

Hi, I am Rahul Singh. I am a blogger with a top-secret blog. I say this because if you would follow me in the near future, you will find me writing everywhere else other than my own blog. It's simple. I enjoy learning from my seniors (both in experience and age). To that end here I am at "Life, explained."

Well, we all know that the genius behind this blog is in a friendly war with Mike Raven. Who has the better system of governance? United Kingdom or United States. Honestly, I would want to go with the US, had the British not been the inventors of Cricket. I personally feel that Cricket is indeed the greatest invention since PAPER. I love these two things more than anything besides my family, friends and __ (fill the blank for yourself).

Let's compare both the countries' administration, as being a member of another nation far apart. (Disclaimer: Just the basics, I look at here).

1. Clean Politics: Both countries stand up well here. Both have their share of conspiracy theories, but nothing too alarming. At least, what we in India read. So, it's a tie here.

2. The inhouse politics: As a child, growing up in a developing nation I imagined the US as the country with no problems. That view has certainly changed. Honestly, the whole black-white thing is real mess to an outsider. Equality is one of the main principle of democracy. From outside, in the world filled with problems, the UK seems to be handling their house better.

3. President vs. PM: The US wins here. The American President is considered the most powerful man on earth. The PM of UK, I feel does not get enough of the powers. In the battle of democracies being partially a monarchy is a certain drawback. People should have the right to choose someone, who runs the place and is not a mere caretaker.

4. Round the globe: Well, as much as I hate to say, the UK have actually been better ambassadors of world peace than the US. No offence, but the people here are far critical of the US because of some of its startling measures. Anyway, if someone could share some more light on it, for now, as much as I hate the UK for all its past sins (personal opinion), I appreciate it's simple stand towards complex issues in the recent past. Also, it has amazingly built a reputation in modern times as a messenger of peace. Completely contrasting is its past image. At one time they seemed the greatest villains on earth. I quite like David Cameron as a PM.. So, with complete respct to US' efforts against terrorism, I still think US makes blunders with its foreign policies. So, give this to UK.*

5. Global-effect: The US might make blunders with things. People might not like their stance on most topics. However, there is no other nation that has more impact on this planet than the US. For a fact, if it's terrorism or any other topic. The US has certainly been one of the world's more proactive nations. The UK seems more reactive, which is not particularly helpful. So, it is again the US.

It is pretty even really, as far as I am concerned. I maybe am in slight favour of the US. Although, I may very well go with UK, if I am promised the Kohinoor to be returned to India.

James Polk, and Coffee, Get A Cup.

Doctor Dawg, in his zeal to raise money the old fashioned way, by peddling other people's crap, has called on some old friends to help him out.

We are talking old friends, in this case 220 years old. A person whose exalted position and unquestionable character have made him a natural for the job of brand spokes person.

Without further ado, let's introduce the 11th president, James K. Polk.

Tune in tomorrow, when George Washington tells us about lip balm, crossing the Delaware was difficult, trying and really dehydrating, and nobody can concentrate on conducting military operations with dry, cracked lips.

Bought to you by The Vote For Doctor Dawg, it is your only hope" campaign and bakery, where the promises are always fresh, and the donuts are always delicious.

Buy From Doctor Dawg, It Is Your Only Hope.

Candidate Dawg, or soon to be President Dawg if you prefer, has decided to forgo all of the usual channels for funding his campaign. He feels it leads to a sense of obligation;

"sure, big oil gave me millions of dollars, and they think there might be a deposit under the White House. 1700 Pennsylvania Avenue really sounds Presidential. Just move it a couple hundred feet, what can go wrong."

Doctor Dawg will be beholden to no special interest group. Plus, he is having trouble lining up big donors. There are a lot of candidates this election, and most of them are not dogs. And, Dr. Dawg says, "Humans really stick together."

So he has decided to "enhance" his own "revenue" by becoming a paid product spokesperson.

If you need a spokes dawg, have tons of money, and would like a little influence over policy, give us a call.

Paid for by, well it hasn't been paid for yet, if you are interested.

Democracy, It Belongs to the World, but Who Does it Better?

Democracy was born in ancient Greece, those people loved to vote, and debate. They would vote on things for days. But, that proved difficult and unwieldy, not nearly efficient enough for Americans. We like things streamlined, trimmed and neat. When we tossed all the foreigners out in 1700s (and it was not easy, we still sounded remarkably similar, thank goodness for the uniforms) we decided to make a good American Democracy.

George Washington said "I won't be king, but I will be the leader, we just need a good name, maybe Prime Minister. No that sounds too European, and it will look lousy on the Presidential Seal. Hey, how about Presidential, or better yet, President?"

"Great idea, what about us, though, we were there too?" the other founding fathers cried in dismay.

"You can be the Houses of Congress," Washington replied. 

They cheered, danced, drank, voted to shutdown the Federal Government and went on recess. Modern American Democracy was born.

And what a fine institution it is. Not a real democracy, it is what we like to call a representative democracy. We vote for people who tell us how bad other people are. They go to Washington and act like children, and ignore the needs of the people. If they can do this long enough they will be appointed to key committee positions, where they can ignore the needs of a much larger group of people. 

Really, it is the ultimate evolution of Government, the pinnacle of Democracy. We vote, they vote, and things run smoothly. 

If you can draw enough attention to yourself you have the opportunity to apply for the

ultimate job in American Politics, Vice Presidency. 

You want to talk about a plum assignment, this is one getting over job. Oh sure, he has to be "President of the Senate" and if something happens to the President he better be sober, but other than that he is just along for the ride. Man, what a gig.

There is nothing comparable in the UK government with its Westminster System, and uncodified constitution, Which, by the way means:

the fundamental rules often take the form of customs, usage, precedent and a 
variety of statutes and legal instruments.

I am only speaking for myself here, but I think there is way to much left open there. Imagine going into a "pub" and asking for a "pint" and saying you would like it chilled. Would David Cameron send in his legion of jack booted thugs to whisk you away, saying "chilled beer kind of goes against our customs, and as such is a violation of our uncodified constitution, mate."


Don't forget to check out the competition at Blog of Thog. Comment, and tell him he is a wonderful blogger, but a little off base, or spot on. It is your chance to have a say

The Countdown.

The countdown in on, only... 8 or 9 more days, maybe 10, I am not much for math, and my calendar is around on the end of my desk and facing the wrong direction. But, it is not long now. The big showdown between the hapless +Mike Raven* at the Blog of Thog regarding the respective governments of our respective nations. Complete with video.

For those of you asking, "hey whats in it for me?" and here I am not going to name any names, but
there are people who have expressed an interest in being swayed, financially, or at least prestigiously, I have discussed possible compensatory rewards with the corporations who own the US government. Lets just say there are several openings in the near future, vis-a-vis speaker of the house, majority whip, even the oval office for those willing to see the "red, white and blue light."

Oh, and don't forget to write a post detailing your opinion, and add a video, maybe tweet. It is your chance to have your say.

Oh, and here is a little sample clip, so Mike can see what kind of carnage he is facing.

*He is not really hapless at all, in fact I would venture to say he has plenty of haps, a whole boatload of haps, he maybe the most happening guy I have never met. Though someday we are going to meet and I will buy him a beer, or a coffee based drink, he seems to like those.

vote for Dr. Dawg, what do you have to lose?

Dr. Dawg for President, Hey,you could do worse.

The power went out at work today, fortunately, not until after I had downloaded the free app of the day.  Halftones 2.  It is time to start campaigning.

Doctor Dawg, he won't make any big mistakes.

Announcing his candidacy, Dr. Dawg.

We are on the eve of the Presidential Primaries.  Donald Trump is the latest to join the fray. With a big, splashy announcement, using Neil Young music, the theme from the Phantom of the Opera, and an escalator, he jumped into the middle of the fight in a way only a seasoned reality television "actor" can.  Who will be next, and how will they top that, the anticipation is almost lethal.

We, here at Life Explained, would like to see more people follow Mr. Trump's lead.  It seems to us that substance has long been abandoned, and flair, and drama are the new trump card (please forgive the pun, it was too easy to resist).  

Campaign managers should be replaced by directors, and speech writers should be supplemented with special effects studios.  We realize that we are not going to glean any useful information from any serious candidate, who is too worried about offending anyone to speak truthfully.  If we can't have information, and facts we may as well have some entertainment.

It would solve a lot of problem.  Voter apathy and low turnouts at the polling place would be replaced with swarming, mobbing, adoring fans, willing to camp overnight, on a sidewalk to cast a vote for the star candidate of their choice.

With that in mind we would like to announce Dr. Dawg for president. Beta version, only.

This is the rough draft, and will be polished, as soon as we have a little more coffee, and receive a few more large donations, from wealthy, helpful donors.  Or, just feel like cleaning it up a bit.  Stay tuned for further improvements.

The Race Is On.

It is an exciting time to be an American. With the presidential election cycle approaching it is time to stock up on snacks, and drinks, and mud proof clothing. It will be several glorious months learning the best and worst of the presidential hopefuls. It will be an enlightening and terrifying, and glorious, and horrible, and we will be glued to the coverage. Unable to look away, unable to avert our gaze, unable to forget the images of our potential leader absolutely trashing each other.

Where else will you get to find out the "values" of our society, spelled out in graphic detail. One, shining, bright example of  patriotism and wholesomeness exposing the wretched, filth, and corruption in others.  It is like Captain America telling voters about Satan. Except Satan would never lower himself to run for office in America, it is too base, and deceitful.

There is a lot to be learned from presidential hopefuls, but most of it is very difficult to believe. Who could believe that there were so many people, so corrupt, so incompetent, in the higher reaches of government? It is important to remember, when you are losing all faith in elected officials, that they are pulled from the general public, that they are just us. So, there it is, scattered all over the television, America's dirty laundry aired for all to see. Sixty second glimpses into the state of America, bought to you, at great expense, by other Americans.  Americans who are trying to help you decide between candidates, who start to sound remarkably similar.

Candidates raise enormous, obscene amounts of money, most of the money will be spent on losing, it is a sad truth, that only one person can win the election. We need to make it more fair, similar to youth sports where every participant gets a trophy.  Otherwise all of that money, impossibly huge sums of money, piles of money that are ridiculously huge, laughable in size and scope, for all but one candidate will be wasted.  Which is sad.  I am not going to try to tell you how much money it is, it is beyond the scope of my simple mind.

But, it is not only the money involved. Think of all the poor volunteers, and supporters. All of the time, and passion, and faith wasted. Sometimes these poor people have switched candidates two or three or more times. Their first choice drops out after South Carolina, and they hitch the cart to some blazing hot property storming through Texas, Tennessee, and Colorado.  But, red hot politicos can fizzle out under the intense scrutiny of a multi candidate debate.  A smiling face imposed over a waving flag makes for a good commercial but won't save a wilting performance while being called out on immigration issues.

These poor people are stuck backing one loser after another, and it makes for a poor election night result.  Finding out your third or fourth choice is not good enough, one more disappoint in a string of election cycle heartache.

Now imagine if everybody who raised a hideous pile of coin, so big as to be unimaginable, a crushing, terrible amount of cash, where allowed a turn at being president.  Of course they would need to pass certain requirements, and would have no more power than the average president.  And, instead of spending all of that money campaigning they would have to donate it to all a good charity, like the US economy.  But, everybody could  be happy, for a while, the country goes on down the path to the next election cycle.

Donate to your favorite candidate, he has a real chance this time, they all have a real chance.

Another Disaster in the Midwest.

Presidential election rhetoric is heating up, and the news cycles are shortening.  It is an exciting, exhilarating phenomenon.  An anthropological dream.  If history has taught us anything (for the most part, it hasn't, but we will be exploring that in detail, later, on another blog) it is that this is the precursor, an introduction to the real devastation.

Typically, the tremors start to be felt in Iowa.  Already the politicians are sending in reconnaissance forces, to occupy key facilities, and spread misinformation, and propaganda.  

Iowa is ground zero for this disaster.  This wide, sparsely populated state of rolling hills, farmland and windmills, always seems to invite the wrath of these political monsters.  With a quiet dignity, born of hard work and toil, they don't complain.

A caucus is not like a primary, it is a gathering of people who decide what to have for dinner, normally a sandwich, like a hamburger, only instead of a patty it is just a pile of fried ground beef heaped on a bun, wrapped snugly in wax paper, and served hot.   Iowans (people from Iowa) love these things.   

Facing difficult odds with grim determination is part of their heritage, and this sandwich is a lesson in the trials of life.   Picking up the sandwich, take a bite, and watch most of the contents slide into their lap, leaving a nasty stain, and possibly second degree burns.    Without complaint, and with a silent, fatalistic acceptance they eat their "loose meat" sandwiches, have their drink, and then get to the business of "caucusing."  Serious business, indeed.  

Instead of voting, they discuss, and talk, and debate the relative merits of the various candidates, and then they vote, either by writing their choice on a scrap of paper, perhaps a sandwich wrapper, after brushing all of the loose hamburger onto a plate.  Or, by standing in a group.  

After the count is tallied, they have Blue Bunny ice cream (from LeMars, the Ice Cream Capital of the World, we recommend the "Bunny Tracks" it is, without a doubt, the ice cream of the gods).  No, not really, that would be too simple, tasty and cooperative for  presidential politics.  They start negotiating, and changing sides, and bickering, and arguing, and it can get pretty heated, not unlike a family reunion, only not so likely to end in a fist fight.  

Soon, people are unconcerned with who they vote for, and just want to go home, it is Iowa in January, and the temperature outside is approaching too cold for description, and they have to go to work tomorrow, and the election is a not for quite some time.  Most of them would vote for anybody if the guy in the front of the room would just stop talking, and let them go home.  

The next day, all of the cameras, and news people, and candidates will pack up their stuff, and drive to New Hampshire, and the business of being an Iowan can be resumed.  Of course, the rest of the nation is bracing for impact, preparing halls for the coming invasion, and laying in supplies for the eventual siege, no one is safe.

This message was bought to you by Life Explained, and the Citizens United for Political Sanity (actually "citizens united" is a little generous, there is only one right now, if you would like to join just add your alias in comments, don't use your real name, "political sanity" will definitely get you in trouble).

Voting the ultimate charity.

We, here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) have decided to move forward with a new fund raising strategy.  It is almost fool proof, it is almost perfect.  Plus, it is so simple that almost anybody can do it.  That's right, we are going to run for president.

Well, not all of us are going to run for president, not that all of us shouldn't run for president, don't get us wrong, all of us would make a wonderful president, you should be so lucky to have us all for president, being president would be easy for us after the things we have been through, why the stories we could tell you...  Anyway, we are going to pick one of us, and he, or she, is going to run for president.

Thorough research has indicated that campaigning for president maybe the most lucrative profession in the country.  And you don't even have to win, people will hire you to give speeches, and advocate on their behalf, and there are book rights, and made for television movies, and... it is just a good idea.

First, there are the fundraiser dinners.  People pay thousands of dollars to have a meal with us.  And we don't even have to cook, serve or clean up.  Where else are you going to find a sweetheart deal like that?  We have trouble getting somebody's mom to fix up a plate of cookies and drop them off once in a while.  And, then we have to wash the plate, and take it back.  And, if we ask for a few dollars for gas, maybe a cup of coffee for the trip back to work they ask like we are asking if we can move back home.  Which would not be so bad, we could help out with the yard work, and maybe pitch in for the groceries.  They could do a lot worse than us for a room mate, we can tell you that, we bring a lot to the table, we have a job, and our own microwave, and...  Anyway, there is a lot of money to be made in dinners like that.

Second, there is that cool bus, traveling across the country, shaking hands, meeting people.  Sitting down, breaking bread with the common people, the salt of the Earth, the good folk of this fine country.  Discussing the issues, exploring their priorities, learning what they feel is wrong and needs to be fixed in the nations capitol, and then ignoring it completely.  But, a lot of those little diners have excellent pie or cobbler, fresh, dairy churned ice cream, and big steaming mugs of hot, delicious coffee.  And, we are pretty sure someone else picks up the tab.  Man, the people of this country have it made, really, what are they whining about, we are the ones stuck in that stupid tour bus, with all of those boring charts, and displays, and the constant, endless whining sound of unemployment, budget, foreign policy, reach across the aisle, you know what, let the people put down their coffee mug, and spoon full of ice cream and cobbler, and deal with that stuff, that is what we think should...  Well, we are off to Dubuque, we hear The Golden Hen has a fantastic omelet.

Hey, is that a tax exempt political donation,
or are you just glad to see us. 

Third, there will be people lining up to hand us suitcases full of money.  How many times in your life have you been in a position to accept bags of cash from fantastically wealthy people?  We don't really care, that was not really a question it was more of a declarative, yes we realize it was phrased as an interrogative, but trust us, we can tell by looking at you nobody ever handed you a sack of cash.  It was an example of using rhetoric to emphasize the validity of an argument.   We used a phrase that would invoke a strong visual reaction to make a point.  What was the point?  Well... what was the point?  Oh, yeah.  There is a lot of money being handed to candidates today, and according to the candidates, and donors, it is not to influence policy, or buy elections, it is just to... it is only for... we don't know why they go around handing out serious piles of coin like that, and we don't care, we would just like to get out hands on some

Remember, it is your government, and it only works if you all vote, and donate, so get out and vote, and donate.  We take cash, checks and all major credit cards, jewelry, electronics, and motor vehicles. Can our opponents say that?

Presidential Campaign Preseason, Where Winners Are Made.

Today, in the Columbus Dispatch it was reported that Senator Rob Portman has announced that he would not run as a candidate for President.  He chose, instead, to seek reelection to the Senate.  According to the article Senator Portman claimed he was not interested in being Vice President either.  He feels, apparently, that he has a lot of work to do in the Senate.  Admirable, to be sure.  Senator Portman does seem to be a decent person, moderate, and reasonable, characteristics that are in short supply in the Capitol.

But, none of that matters, too much, because we, here at the Life Explained (#lifeexplained) Political Campaign Headquarters (#politicalcampaignheadquarters) are not at all interested in people who are not running for office, and people who are not even willing to campaign for Vice President are particularly uninteresting.  We want to know who is running.

Since Ohio is a battleground state (we like to think of ourselves as Kingmakers (#kingmakers)) we get to spend a lot of time being catered to, and wooed by candidates.  And, they spend a lot of time and money briefing us on the shortcomings of other candidates. Information desperately needed to choose the least awful candidate, the person least likely to completely ruin everything.  We really get to see the seamy, despicable side of candidates, thanks to other candidates.  We, here at the Life Explained (#lifeexplained) Presidential Campaign Headquarters, (#presidentialcampaignheadquarters) are very grateful.  Imagine the time Ohioans would have to waste looking up all of the terrible things about prospective presidents themselves, it would destroy the state economy.

Right now there are potential presidential candidates assembling armies on the frontiers of Ohio, massing volunteers, raising funds, building war chests, getting ready to invade the state.  All of them just waiting for the right   It is always a calculated risk to be the first one to announce.  Sure you get the best seats in Iowa caucuses, an important early feast for candidates, but you open yourself to numerous attacks from other presidential would be's.  All roads to Ottumwa start in Ohio.  And you know what state is between Iowa and New Hampshire, you guessed it, Ohio.

Obviously, there are a great many benefits to Presidential campaigns, here in Ohio.  Monetary rewards for sure, but more important, a sense of importance, and fulfillment.  Ohio is still recovering from the collapse of the steel industry, and was hit hard by the problems of the auto industry, and we can't forget the Drive in 1987, when John Elway cut the heart out of Ohio, or the Shot, in 1989, when Micheal Jordan stomped all over that heart.  Clearly, we need a little something to make us feel good.

There is no better cure for a poor self image than hearing about the awful shortcomings, and terrible habits of another.  If that person is a famous politician, with a ridiculous amount of money, powerful backers, a Super PAC, a tour bus, a manager, and possibly a political Juggernaut to call his own, then so much the better.

In the interest of our fine state, the slowly recovering economy, and the sluggish job outlook we, here at the Life Explained (#lifeexplained) State Recovery Ministry (#staterecoveryministry) would like to recommend a more robust Presidential Campaign Season, something along the lines of the NBA, or the NHL, or MLB, or for that matter the NFL, or thinking reasonably, it that is still a possibility, any professional sport.  One that seems to never end, with a championship leading right to preseason, right into the regular season.  It is growth industry, and the country needs some good news.

Dr. Dawg for President.

It is almost time to choose, it is almost time to make a decision.  Who will be suited to carry us into the future, who will be the one to make a difference, who will we choose to lead the country?   

Oh, sure there are a lot of choices this early in the pre-season, virtually everybody who has ever run for office, is still alive, and hasn't been president yet is a potential candidate, has an exploratory committee, and is raising money.  Plus, there is always the threat of a wealthy, unelected, dark horse candidate, who doesn't mind the insurmountable odds, and rushes headlong into the fray, without a chance of winning. Though, if a person is looking for fifteen minutes of fame this is perfect, and if you can manage one misstep, gaffe, or indiscretion you could go down in history.  Please, stay tuned for this seasons model. 

However, for those who are tired of career politicians, and all of their experience, and knowledge about what makes the government work, for those who grow weary of Washington insiders, and all of their accomplishment, and connections, and credibility around the world, we offer you a fresh choice, a new solution to an old remedy of a non existent problem, we offer you Dr. Dawg for President. 

Not only does he not have any governmental experience, at any level, he has never even held a real job.  He is the ultimate political outsider, he has never even voted, and he knows nothing about almost everything political.  If you are tired of all of the coiffed, tailored clowns trying to give away the whole circus Dr. Dawg is your man, well not really your man, he is your candidate.   

Let's look at several questions from our panel of experts.  In the sake of honesty, we are not sure how many people a "panel" requires, so it might be a forum, or a group, if anybody knows the qualifications, please post a message with the details. 

Q:  "Do you have a plan to balance the budget, without raising taxes?" 

A:  "Yes, I do have a plan to balance the budget, and unlike my opponents, the fools, buffoons, and clowns, I am not going to slash spending, and unlike the idiots who are stupid enough to oppose me in this election I am willing to share the details of my plan.  Phase one of my plan is to use the police department as a taxi service.  They spend most of their time driving around anyway, right?  Why not have them pick up fares, and bring in some much needed "revenue enhancement."  Here is the beauty of the plan, if you are running late, and need to pick up the pace just tell the officer, and for an additional fee he will flip on the lights and sirens, and get you there in a hurry.  And, if you are lucky enough to be in the car during a high speed chase, ending in a shootout, and have the necessary funding available we will let you squeeze off a few rounds.  The ultimate thrill ride.  We are going to open Fire House Pizza, and Chili Burgers, in real fire houses.  Delivery in thirty minutes or less, or your next ride to the emergency room is free!  That alone should provide a budget surplus like this country has never seen.  If not, we are noodling with some plans involving Armed Services Demolition Co., but these are still on the drawing board." 

Q:  "Where do you stand on immigration?" 

A  (sort of): "I have a very strong stand on immigration." 

Q:  "What is it?" 

A (more of a Q, really):  "What is what?" 

Q:  "What is your stand on immigration?" 

A (not really, but we pay by the letter)  "That is all the time we have for today, I am going to work on some very important policies, and procedures, and reforms, and maybe a quick nap.  Thank you all for coming."