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Thursday, November 13, 2014

Security Measures, But, Don't Get Any Ideas.

Here, at the top secret Life Explained (#lifeexplained) headquarters, we are keenly aware of security.  Conducting research into matters vital to national security, world peace, the eradication of alien threats, the continued habitability of the planet, exploring, and colonizing deep space, disease analysis and prevention, fighting plaque, and gingivitis, and lowering serum cholesterol, blood sugar and blood pressure* can tempt even the most honorable competitors to unscrupulous, criminal attempts to lay their grubby, felonious, lazy paws on our stuff.  Nothing personal, competitors, and you know who you are, we have video tape, well it is not actually tape it is maintained in a"cloud storage," an ingenious, online, offsite, secure medium, that has revolutionized... well that doesn't really matter, we know who you are, and so do you, that is all we are saying.

Of course, we have your normal armed guards, your normal retinal scans, and your normal concrete doors with steel reinforcements, titanium dead bolt locks, and high voltage enemy dissuaders, your normal vicious attack dogs, and for good measure we threw in a few of your normal Inland Taipan snakes, and just to be extra cautious, we released a few of your not quite so normal Komodo Dragons, wandering randomly through the building.  We thought about adding some spiders, but that is just insane!  Who would do that!?!?!?!

You know, though, you can never be too careful, risks are everywhere, and dangers lurk behind every closed door.  Closet doors are especially perilous here, at the the top secret Life Explained headquarters, god knows what those things are hiding.  Bob, the accountant, opened a closet to get his jacket, in 1996, and was never seen again, nobody has opened a closet since.  Anyway, we have many secrets to protect, countless proprietary designs, and fabrications, many, many intricate, elaborate constructions, and devices that need to be kept from prying eyes

What more effective way to combat burglary, industrial espionage, and vandalism than vampires and ghosts?  It does make being the first one to clock in or the last to punch out a little uncomfortable, but you know the old saying; "Anything worth having is worthing sacrificing a few over achieving coworkers for."

*Tell your doctor if you have high blood pressure, or elevated cholesterol, or a nagging injury, sore feet, dry, flaky skin, or a general sense of uneasiness, or if you've been eaten by a ghost, or bitten by a vampire.  That is what they get paid for.