Christmas, the Gamble.

Christmas is here and the Jolly old Elf has come and gone.  So far, we here at Life Explained, (#lifeexplained) are still tallying the results.  So far, though,  it seems that all of our extraordinarily good behavior may not have paid off.  It is very a very complex formula, shown here with pictures to make you more comfortable.  But, as we look back on the effort we have spent it is clear it did not make economic sense to behave so well.

We are afraid that spells big trouble for the world next year.  It was not easy saving the world.  And we did it constantly.  There were alien invasions, ancient armies traveling to our time, robot monsters, vampires, werewolves, all bent on the complete destruction of mankind.   Who stopped them?  That's right, we did.  You're welcome.

Plus, we have perfected the intergalactic radio transponder, to signal alien civilizations.  We have the worlds only functional time travel machine.  Our robot factory is running almost non-stop, and our occult research department is making great strides...  Never mind all that, though.

Straight from Dr. Dawg

Just rest assured there is still time to make amends, Santa, if you turn your little sleigh and eight tiny reindeer around and come up with some new iPads, and maybe a new television, and an Xbox one, with some cool games, we might be convinced to try one more year.  It's up to you.

Security Measures, But, Don't Get Any Ideas.

Here, at the top secret Life Explained (#lifeexplained) headquarters, we are keenly aware of security.  Conducting research into matters vital to national security, world peace, the eradication of alien threats, the continued habitability of the planet, exploring, and colonizing deep space, disease analysis and prevention, fighting plaque, and gingivitis, and lowering serum cholesterol, blood sugar and blood pressure* can tempt even the most honorable competitors to unscrupulous, criminal attempts to lay their grubby, felonious, lazy paws on our stuff.  Nothing personal, competitors, and you know who you are, we have video tape, well it is not actually tape it is maintained in a"cloud storage," an ingenious, online, offsite, secure medium, that has revolutionized... well that doesn't really matter, we know who you are, and so do you, that is all we are saying.

Of course, we have your normal armed guards, your normal retinal scans, and your normal concrete doors with steel reinforcements, titanium dead bolt locks, and high voltage enemy dissuaders, your normal vicious attack dogs, and for good measure we threw in a few of your normal Inland Taipan snakes, and just to be extra cautious, we released a few of your not quite so normal Komodo Dragons, wandering randomly through the building.  We thought about adding some spiders, but that is just insane!  Who would do that!?!?!?!

You know, though, you can never be too careful, risks are everywhere, and dangers lurk behind every closed door.  Closet doors are especially perilous here, at the the top secret Life Explained headquarters, god knows what those things are hiding.  Bob, the accountant, opened a closet to get his jacket, in 1996, and was never seen again, nobody has opened a closet since.  Anyway, we have many secrets to protect, countless proprietary designs, and fabrications, many, many intricate, elaborate constructions, and devices that need to be kept from prying eyes
.

What more effective way to combat burglary, industrial espionage, and vandalism than vampires and ghosts?  It does make being the first one to clock in or the last to punch out a little uncomfortable, but you know the old saying; "Anything worth having is worthing sacrificing a few over achieving coworkers for."

*Tell your doctor if you have high blood pressure, or elevated cholesterol, or a nagging injury, sore feet, dry, flaky skin, or a general sense of uneasiness, or if you've been eaten by a ghost, or bitten by a vampire.  That is what they get paid for.

Ok, this is not new.

It is Friday, and my the results of my blood tests are back from the doctor's office, and there was, and I quote, "good improvement" on my serum cholesterol level, and my ALT (whatever that is).  Amazing what wonders can be had by a change of diet and taking your medicine.  So, that made me happy.

On the way to work this morning, Siri was particularly cooperative, playing a variety of wonderful selections, ending with "I Ain't Got You," by the Yardbirds, timing it perfectly, it ended as I backed into the parking space, and it was a superb job of backing in, if I do say so myself, straight, and just far enough, really an amazing show of parking prowess.  

"I got a tavern, and a liquor store,
I play the numbers, yeah four forty four,
I got a mojo, yeah don't you know,
I'm all dressed up with no place to go."

Plus, my cousin  +Michael McNeil , Mike the Attractive is what he is called in local lore, in a spasm of familial generosity has invited me to participate in his Fantasy football league.  So, things are looking good, and in the spirit of giving I have decided to share my old Fantasy Football post again, if you hated it then wait until you read it now.  Besides this will give me an opportunity to work on my video production skills, there is much riding on the "Video Production DeathMatch" between +Mike Raven and me, well not really all that much, but it matters little, winning is winning, right?

So, here you go, enjoy, or I will post another dog video.

My younger cousin Mike, who has some sort of milk shake obsession, (a complex, yet treatable, affliction: we need to act, Life Explained fans, to end this horrible disease, we are accepting donations now, please give generously to this noble cause) asked me to join his Fantasy Football league.  It was an act of kindness and generosity so noble and pure as to make a grown man weep.   But, there is no time for that, we are talking fantasy football here.

Acting quickly, as is my norm, I assembled one of the finest teams to ever take the field.  I filled both lines with Trolls and Orcs, man those guys are big, and mean, plus they are not above taking a cheap shot in the scrum that develops on running plays up the middle.

At fullback we had a dwarf, tough, resilient, unafraid to get his nose out of joint in dive plays, and short yardage situations.  Also, the ax is a real bonus when pass blocking.

Tailbacks, receivers and defensive backs were all elves, tall, lithe, athletic and fast.  Elves have great hands, can change direction quickly, and can make "magic" catches.  They are hard to beat.

Our linebackers were all vampires, fast, agile, aggressive and hostile.  They scared the bejesus out of opponents, and teammates, and coaches, and fans, vendors, office staff, grounds crew.  They were really frightening, but nobody wanted to be the one to tell them they were being traded.

Here was the real genius, though, we put a Wizard at quarterback!  Not just any wizard either, a powerful, steely eyed, resolute mage, unshakable, unflappable, almost un-sackable, a quick learner, able to control the huddle and make the right audibles at the line.  Kind of a father figure to the whole team, and able to conjure up a cooler full of beer on a whim.

It was a solid team, and we could go far, if we took it one game at a time, and gave 110 % and didn't overlook anybody, and all of those other things that a team needs to do to have a successful season.

Man, we cruised, too.  Running right over the top of the Lions, and the Bears, and the Panthers, and the Broncos, (we even made an unscheduled stop to stomp on the Tigers, even though they are a baseball team, we hate animals) destroying the Cowboys, and the Redskins, and the Vikings.  The Eagles, and their high flying antics gave us a few problems, at first, but as soon as we scattered fish all over the field it was over, stupid birds.

Nobody could handle our mix of speed, strength, and horrifying undead awfulness.  We were a team of destiny.

Then we had to face the Giants in the Championship game.  They crushed us.  Still, it was a good season, next year we might try to draft a little more size.

Thanks for the invitation, Mike.

Another small victory for aging mice.

There is startling news from the world of science this week.  Hey, Brother can You Spare A Couple of Units of A Positive?  Three separate studies confirm that infusing elderly mice with the blood of younger, more vibrant, healthier mice have noticeable effects.  Among the many benefits were increased memory, strengthened and rejuvenated muscles, and an improved sense of smell, which may be a mixed blessing depending on the personal hygiene of the other mice in the area.  But, the implications are profound and exciting.

Scientists may be able to counteract some of the debilitating results of aging, including age dependent muscle deterioration, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, cancer, dementia, and other neurodegenerative disorders.  Of course, research is still in the early stages, but there is a lot of excitement.

Several well known doctors are taking notice of the potential benefits, and are expressing great interest in the process including Rudolph Tanzi, professor of neurology at Harvard, and Director of the Genetics and Aging Research at Massachusetts General Hospital, who is "kind of blown away, really."  Also, Countess Elizabeth Barthory "The Blood Countess" and Vlad of Walachia, "Vlad the Impaler," both of whom were quoted as saying "Wow, I was ahead of the curve on this one."

Buffy, and Van Helsing remain unconvinced, vowing to offer empirical evidence showing the best way to prevent aging is by dying, though they are not really talking about themselves, as they pat the pile of wooden stakes on the industrial, grey metal table.

One thing remains certain; in the battle against growing old scientists have made remarkable progress, but when I look in the mirror it is obvious they have a long way to go.

Reporting live from the heart of middle age, this is Tim for Life Explained.