A big fan, someday.

Saturday, the first day of a three day weekend, it has a special magic. There is a cool breeze, and birds are singing, life is good. It would be a nice weekend without the extra day at the end. It is the weekend of the Indianapolis 500, if you like car races, I am not a fan, but they make a big deal about it. Auto races are very popular.

Once, when our son was younger, he played basketball on a spring travel team. We were going to a tournament in Louisville, and got stuck in the most awful traffic outside Sparta Kentucky. Cars and vans, campers, pickups, motorcycles all lined up for miles, inching along, doors open, people walking from car to car selling t-shirts, and hats. Beers were handed back and forth, laughing, hollering and general goofiness. It was a festive, wild party atmosphere. I hated being stuck in traffic, but it was an otherworldly spectacle. This was on the interstate highway, imagine what it was like inside. I decided right then that one day I was going to attend a big race.

For a brief time I worked in the office of third party warehouse. It was a huge place, ran by a huge company. One of my coworkers in the office was an ingratiating little man (the inventory control specialist (ICS)) who wanted desperately to be everybody's friend. He was willing to try almost anything to get people to like him, anything except being human. He told one of the warehouse workers he had a friend who get tickets to a big auto race in Michigan. Working for a huge corporation has some benefits and some drawbacks. Rules are not made to be broken, there is always some Human Resource nazi who makes sure that the ts are crossed and is are dotted, if you get my drift.

Vacation rules are a virtual battleground pitting the common man against the giant company. And since the company has all the cards (money) and makes all the rules they normally win.

Anyway, my office coworker, the weaselly little ICS told the warehouse worker (a burly, bearded, tattooed guy (and this was before tattoos were cool)) that he could get the tickets "no problem." So the warehouse worker took two days vacation. In a shocking turn of events the weasel could not get the tickets, and the human resource warlord would not let the angry warehouse worker rescind his vacation request, rules are rules, you know. 

Man, was he mad. Yelling and screaming, I got a fresh cup of coffee and settled in to watch the show. However, the warehouse manager and the office manager came over and deep sixed the opening act. 

Then, they turned on me. "Why didn't you do something?"

"I'm not security."

"Oh, it says in chapter 7 of the employee handbook that everybody is responsible for security, and you signed form 175.7A (that may not have been the number, it was something like that) that you read and understood the rules." They had me wriggling in the crushing grip of reason.

"Yes, I did sign that, but I didn't read it." Confession is good for the soul. It is not so good for performance evaluations, though.

As you can see racing is entwined through my life. So, I just have to figure out which race to attend and who I want to win.

Life Explained, on Vacation.

After his little accident yesterday Doctor Dawg has decided to take a brief vacation. Since we are kind of slow right now anyway it seemed like a good time for all of us to take a little break. Everybody has been laboring under disastrously tight, almost impossible deadlines. Tempers were short, and small differences of opinion were exploding into disastrous conflicts.

Last week the executive spokesperson actually pulled a box cutter out of her Versace scarf and threatened to "peel the flesh off your worthless corpse" when she found out the treasurer's assistant had taken the last cheese danish. Sensing the potential peril the treasurers assistant picked up a chair and used it as a shield while she poured a coffee. Since it was the last cup she made a fresh pot, still holding the chair in a defensive position, The two started circling the kitchen slowly, sipping fresh hot coffee, and staring hatefully at each other.

Security was summoned and took the box cutter, the chair and several cups of coffee, and some blueberry bagels with several small tubs of cream cheese. Both employees received disciplinary notes in their files, and we added a new paragraph to the employee manual involving the consumption of cheese danish and threatening to flay your coworkers. Oddly enough this had never come up before, and nobody really had the foresight to anticipate the exchange.

But, the executive council decided to give everybody a weeks paid leave, a fresh cheese danish, hot coffee, and a CD on patience, harmony, and peaceful coexistence.

But, Doctor Dawg is having a blast in the Mediterranean, He is learning to scuba dive, and ride a motor scooter. So, if things seem a little less productive in the US, things not getting done, computers running a little slow, cable television fading in and out a little bit, lines at gas stations, and grocery stores, utility bills climbing, traffic tie ups getting worse, we are sorry. Next week we will be back to take care of things. Maybe you should take a week off too.

Monday, and the week begins, but it could have ended.

Monday is not normally a very good day here, at Life Explained. Everybody is either cranky and irritable about being back at work, or euphoric about the wonderful weekend they just experienced. A toxic, volatile combination.

Since it so difficult to make people who are so angry feel happy again, we tried, we decided it would be much simpler to make everybody angry.

Step number one, we transferred the weekend janitorial staff to Monday security. They are drunk with power and harass everybody. Plus the offices are a mess, and trash is everywhere.

It worked pretty well, too. Unfortunately, it made the already mad people even madder. So we now had an army of homicidal workers bent on retribution versus an force of people who felt pretty good, and had the rug pulled out from under them. Believe it or not they were more dangerous.  Feelings of betrayal drive a very a passionate response.

We were stuck in the Executive Kitchen, and at the east door, were a group of furious employees, banging and pounding and screaming for blood. On the west side a contingent of outraged, uncontrollably violent associates who screaming for revenge.

It was a terrifying situation. Splintering doors, and smashed barricades, pushing closer and closer to the center of the room. It looked bleak, and we were making ready to initiate the "final protocol."



If it hadn't been for bell signaling the morning break we may have had to destroy the planet. After morning coffee and some sweet rolls everybody was ready for the work week. Smiling, whistling and ready to sav2e the world, in their own manner.

Wednesday, Hump Day, The gods of leisure have smiled on us.

We, here at Life Explained, are always looking for a way to celebrate Wednesday. And, we have had some doozies. Like that time we accidentally reanimated Vlad the Impaler from a small sample of DNA found in an ancient serving bowl.

We were trying to make the perfect spinach dip, and our greens were a little to "green." It seemed like sending it through the wormhole we have harnessed to generate the power needed for the sound system would be a perfect way to ripen them. Nobody wanted to use a new bowl. This was the first time anybody had thought of using time travel to make an appetizer, and we had this bowl from something we have no knowledge of and if we did have any knowledge of we would not be allowed to discuss.

It worked perfectly too but when the Dracul came out carrying our perfectly ripened spinach we got a little worried.Though, the spinach was perfect, and the dip was extraordinary. People still talk about that dip, and tear up a little bit.


That might have been a real problem had we not been having such a keen party. Turns out Vlad loves a good party, and was leading the conga line. Man, he was really busting a move, too until Security could apprehend and unanimate him.  Thank goodness our security forces don't join the party, most times we think they are kind of wet blankets, walking around, following rules, and just being armed, pushy people in general. Sometimes we are grateful for their obsessive attention to regulation.

Anyway, today, we are sending Bob, from Legal, back to the last ice age to get some really fresh ice, lots of it! We have rum punch, Kentucky Bourbon (if it isn't from Kentucky it's just whiskey) and lots of beer. There might even be a live band, depending on how much the lab guys have to drink.It will be the best party ever. You have to love Wednesday. What could possibly go wrong?

It was a new day yesterday

It was a point of contention yesterday.  There were many employees involved and it really got heated. At one point we had to mobilize our crack security squad. Sure it started easily enough, the Sunday crossword puzzle was laying on the table. There were three words completed.

Not just any words, either, the long words with the complex, riddle like clues. And not just completed, either, completed in pen. And not just completed in pen, completed in pen incorrectly.

So, the Sunday crossword, with the three long answers filled in in ink, and the words are wrong. And not just wrong, but dramatically, woefully, obviously wrong. These answers were not even close. It did not take long for that to get out of control.

The Sunday crossword puzzle is important to our team of scientists, researchers, and engineers. It is the one time they all work together, the one thing they really get excited about. And now they felt it had been defaced. Their weekend respite had been vandalized.

It was a long, nasty fight. One of the engineers actually pulled a laser gun and pointed it at one of the researchers. Or he thought he was pointing it at one of the researchers, but he really did not understand the weapon, at all.  It was actually pointed at water cooler, and it wasn't really a laser gun, it was matter diffuser, and rearrangement tool (we have big hopes for that, but it needs work).  So, until we can get a new cooler we will be getting our water from a gas powered microwave with an attachment for edging.

Mad Bob, the new guy

But, security arrived, with two dozen donuts, and a fresh Sunday paper, and normalcy was returned to our Sunday. Plus, they have some proof pointing to Mad Bob, the new guy in R and D as the culprit, it seems Dr. Dawg may have taken his lasagna, and eaten it. Hey, those things happen, right? We are all friends again.

Well, everything is back to normal. Monday is here, and we love Monday, a fresh start, a new beginning, a wonderful, new adventure.

I hope there are some donuts left. Man those things were great. Security knows the best snack food places in town.

Health is important, but what about free will?

It is Saturday, and rainy, and early, and I am up, heading for my second cup of coffee. There was a study that indicated five cups of coffee every day was optimal for your health.  It may have been dis-proven since then, it is hard to say, but, we here at Life Explained didn't care.  We had taken it as gospel, as incontrovertible proof of a kind, gentle higher being, a caring, loving deity concerned only with our welfare.

There was a mad dash to buy bigger "cups."  Imagine our dismay when we found out mugs, and cups could be completely different. Imagine the crushing heartache when we discovered a cup was not a generic term applied to any bucket sized jug of sweet, glorious, French Roast. Consider the despair when we learned that some of our new coffee "cups" actually held 5 1/2 cups of coffee.

A few of the more aggressive among us were approaching 19 cups of coffee a day, and some of them were fighting over almost anything. An uncontrollable white rage that would burn white hot for a few minutes and turn into weeping, apologizing and remorse. It was hard to believe this was "healthy."

We had to hire a security company to monitor our coffee, making sure everybody got 5 cups, no more, no less.

It got a little tense when we discovered some of us just don't care for coffee.  After an armed standoff in the 5th floor break room, when Bob refused to drink his 5th cup, saying he would rather "die early than drink one more cup of this swill."

After a few tense hours, some exchange of small arms fire, and reinforcements from Jet Propulsion Laboratory besieging the compound (those scientists really stick together), we decided that forcing people to drink 5 cups of coffee a day may not be that healthy after all. Maybe people would be happier and healthier if they could drink what and how much they choose.

We bought some tea, some bottled water, and people seem a lot happier. But, there is news that red wine will help people live longer.  That is a bit of health news we can really support, thank goodness for research.

A Security Issue Delayed.

During the early days of Life Explained, when things were hectic, innovation rampant, excitement, and invention epidemic the principals knew they needed to be careful.  It was an exciting time, but it was balanced by the knowledge that achievement and advancement carried a terrible cost, and invoked an awesome responsibility.

It was vital that the hard won accomplishments not fall into the wrong hands, and it was well known that the "wrong hands" would press hard to acquire the fruits of  their labors.  Knowing that the world was only one break in, one leaked document, one errant email containing crucial information from all of the power needed to end hunger, cure illness, and finally achieve parity in professional sports... wait, that was not what they were afraid of, it was the destruction of the planet that bothered them.  

Nobody minded that other stuff, sure, nobody wanted to just give it away, but, profit is what drives commerce, right?  And commerce is what fuels growth, isn't it?  And growth is what provides the resources necessary for research and development, is that not true?  And research and development is what provides the product needed for profit, you see?  So, making money is truly the greatest act of philanthropy, and that is what the company is built around.

"We'll take two of the large, three mediums
and six of the small ones, please"

It is a sad reality, though, that when they developed the technology to end hunger, eradicate disease, and help society pull itself from the brink of extinction, and approached various world governments with the opportunity to buy this wonderful ability they got the cold shoulder.  World governments all said some variation of, "thanks, that stuff is all good, and someday we would like to look into it a little more, but, do you have anything that will blow up a lot of our enemies?"

Of course, the governments all agreed that they did not want to really blow up a lot of people, they just wanted the "capability" (they all felt the "ability" was too wimpy sounding to be a credible threat) to blow up a lot of their enemies, that way they could lord it over other countries.  Threatening to blow up a lot of people, it turns out, is one of the chief activities of organized government.  Well, back to the drawing board. 

But, that is not what this is about, this is about the Life Explained security personnel fiasco, the abuse of power, and the corruption of humanity.  Unfortunately, we don't have time to cover that today.  Please tune in tomorrow for "Company Cops Gone Wild," or "do you have a valid need to be in this hallway, or shall we turn the fire hose on you?"  You want to be there for that.

Security Measures, But, Don't Get Any Ideas.

Here, at the top secret Life Explained (#lifeexplained) headquarters, we are keenly aware of security.  Conducting research into matters vital to national security, world peace, the eradication of alien threats, the continued habitability of the planet, exploring, and colonizing deep space, disease analysis and prevention, fighting plaque, and gingivitis, and lowering serum cholesterol, blood sugar and blood pressure* can tempt even the most honorable competitors to unscrupulous, criminal attempts to lay their grubby, felonious, lazy paws on our stuff.  Nothing personal, competitors, and you know who you are, we have video tape, well it is not actually tape it is maintained in a"cloud storage," an ingenious, online, offsite, secure medium, that has revolutionized... well that doesn't really matter, we know who you are, and so do you, that is all we are saying.

Of course, we have your normal armed guards, your normal retinal scans, and your normal concrete doors with steel reinforcements, titanium dead bolt locks, and high voltage enemy dissuaders, your normal vicious attack dogs, and for good measure we threw in a few of your normal Inland Taipan snakes, and just to be extra cautious, we released a few of your not quite so normal Komodo Dragons, wandering randomly through the building.  We thought about adding some spiders, but that is just insane!  Who would do that!?!?!?!

You know, though, you can never be too careful, risks are everywhere, and dangers lurk behind every closed door.  Closet doors are especially perilous here, at the the top secret Life Explained headquarters, god knows what those things are hiding.  Bob, the accountant, opened a closet to get his jacket, in 1996, and was never seen again, nobody has opened a closet since.  Anyway, we have many secrets to protect, countless proprietary designs, and fabrications, many, many intricate, elaborate constructions, and devices that need to be kept from prying eyes
.

What more effective way to combat burglary, industrial espionage, and vandalism than vampires and ghosts?  It does make being the first one to clock in or the last to punch out a little uncomfortable, but you know the old saying; "Anything worth having is worthing sacrificing a few over achieving coworkers for."

*Tell your doctor if you have high blood pressure, or elevated cholesterol, or a nagging injury, sore feet, dry, flaky skin, or a general sense of uneasiness, or if you've been eaten by a ghost, or bitten by a vampire.  That is what they get paid for.

Safety is our primary goal.

For most of the history of the company nobody felt the need for more than one security guard.  He sat by the front door, behind a big desk, with a raised counter that barely concealed a bank of monitors hooked to cameras scattered throughout, and around the exterior of, the building.  In fact, many people with some responsibility for the budget felt that the only reason there was a security guard at all was to justify the purchase and installation of all those cameras.

It seemed like a valid point, occasionally he dozed but most times he had a small television nestled in the midst of the monitors and watched daytime television.  It was not unusual to enter the building and find the giant, muscular man, billy club, and tear gas spray attached firmly to his black leather, police style duty belt, crying over the latest tragedy on one of the soap operas to which he had become addicted.  It was a little touching, a little sad, and a little troubling, and many people would avoid using the front door between the hours of 11:00 and 2:30.  Those became known as the "weeping hours."  We thought about taking away his night stick, for his own safety, but didn't really want to cause any more distress.

That all changed on that awful day in October.  We made the mistake of hiring an intern without completely vetting him.  He was only going to be there for five or six months, and was mostly in charge of assembling the vital supplies, necessary, and crucial to the execution of a successful business meeting.  Legal pads, and pens for doodling, and writing notes, donuts, bagels, pastries, and coffee for consumption, and pitchers of iced water, with slices of lemon for... well nobody is sure why those are there, but they do look lovely.

Had anybody looked more closely we might have discovered the interns ties to a notorious band of software pirates, agents of industrial espionage, and corporate raiders.  It was kind of disappointing, and you can believe there are several new questions on the application!  

One day, while Bob, the security guard was sobbing into a beach towel, bemoaning the fate of Susan, who lost her baby, her husband and her prized roses in one ten minute segment, between a commercial for bleach, and an advertisement for hair color guaranteed to rid a person of gray, adding a more youthful appearance, and provided a richer and more fulfilling life.  Jill, from the secretarial pool, stopped to console him, holding him and patting his back.  She noticed something odd on a couple of the monitors.

Bob leapt into action, shut off the soap opera, patted the handle of his billy club, and pepper spray, put on his uniform hat, and called the police, who arrested all of the intruders, and the intern, shook Bob's hand and gave him a commendation for quick action, and a clear telephone voice and left.

We are so grateful Bob was there.  We gave him a raise, a new chair, a box of tissues, and took away two of the security monitors so he would have room for a bigger television.