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Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Life Explained, the Christmas Party.

We, here at Life Explained, Ohio Office (LEOhiO) are very excited. It is almost time for our Christmas Party Extraordinaire. Every year it is huge. And we always seem to come up with some great stories.

Six years ago, for example, we used frozen rocks from the surface of Mars for our drinks. Martian Rocks from the surface of Mars for drinks! It was great. Unfortunately all of that talk about Life on Mars turned out to be true. And it turned out to be lying dormant on the surface of the rocks. When exposed to good bourbon it was reinvigorated, grew to human sized proportions, and went on a drunken binge. It destroyed the kitchen, the lunch room, the copier, the microwave and the executive restroom before we managed containment.

We managed it to sell it to the Pentagon for a tidy profit, even after we replaced the bourbon. Last we heard the Martian life form had been promoted to Colonel, and was running a supply base in the Caribbean somewhere. He still sends us Christmas cards.

Then last year Bob, from Acquisitions had too much Pinot Noir, and started to walk around pretending he was a drunk from the past. He put a lamp shade on his head, and paraded around singing what we thought was White Christmas.

But, he forgot to take the lamp out from underneath the lamp shade. The lamp, and base, and lampshade made Bob about 9 foot tall. Our doors are 8 foot high, so when he hit the part of the wall over the door, the glass base exploded, slicing into the electric cord. Sparks were flying everywhere. It set Bob's sweater on fire, and we poured a pitcher of Sangria over the top of him to extinguish the flames. Since he wrapped up in the cord (we are adamant about teaching "stop, drop and roll" before every party) the liquid shorted out the electrical system for the whole building.

When this bought down NORAD, and grounded all of the AWAC planes all over the Northern Hemisphere (don't ask, we are not allowed to tell you) we got a pretty angry call from the Chairman of The Joint Chiefs of Staff.

"Next time you morons have a party and don't tell me you can expect a few party crashers from Seal Team Six." he said. That would be awful, those guys don't know how to mix a drink to save their lives. And forget about having any Nachos, Seals are voracious around cheese covered chips.

Anyway, the party is next week, and we are sending Bob, from HR back in time to get some French wine, and German beer. It will be great.