Sometimes things work out, sometimes not.

Pablo Picasso said "every act of creation is first an act of destruction." We wish we would have read that before writing our mission statement, or negotiated our insurance. It explains so much, like the time we accidentally set off the nuclear weapon trying to clean the hallway on the 7th floor.

Never again will we allow the Rotary Club to use the conference room. Man, those guys can party, but since they are all getting older, not very well. Buffalo wing sauce, queso dip and frozen daiquiri debris was scattered from the elevator to the restrooms.

We thought using a small, controlled nuclear reaction to power the carpet cleaner was the only option. It worked splendidly too. Until the coolant unit became clogged by tortilla chips and the reactor overheated causing a smallish nuclear incident.

At first we were a little worried about the bad publicity that was sure to come our way. You know how the press can blow a small thing like a radioactive cloud out of proportion.

Turns out, though, the correct mix of tequila, rum, canned cheese, gamma rays and ionizing radiation can actually bring plastic plants to life, even providing them with some rudimentary intelligence, and noticeable personality. The press ate it up. For weeks they were following the plants around, snapping photos, taking videos, loving every second, until the palm tree ate one of the local anchor people. Which was sad. But, they quit coming around, which is good, and kind of sad.

But, that is not what we are here to talk about, What we are here to talk about is the new iPhone 7, and the Galaxy Note 7. Apparently you can drop either one of these phones into the lake, and they will still work, if you can find them. This is an amazing feat, if you are planning on dropping your phone in a lake. If so, we highly recommend rushing out and buying one of these phones right now. Don't pass over any bodies of water on the way, though. Just to be safe.

Life Explained, the Christmas Party.

We, here at Life Explained, Ohio Office (LEOhiO) are very excited. It is almost time for our Christmas Party Extraordinaire. Every year it is huge. And we always seem to come up with some great stories.

Six years ago, for example, we used frozen rocks from the surface of Mars for our drinks. Martian Rocks from the surface of Mars for drinks! It was great. Unfortunately all of that talk about Life on Mars turned out to be true. And it turned out to be lying dormant on the surface of the rocks. When exposed to good bourbon it was reinvigorated, grew to human sized proportions, and went on a drunken binge. It destroyed the kitchen, the lunch room, the copier, the microwave and the executive restroom before we managed containment.

We managed it to sell it to the Pentagon for a tidy profit, even after we replaced the bourbon. Last we heard the Martian life form had been promoted to Colonel, and was running a supply base in the Caribbean somewhere. He still sends us Christmas cards.

Then last year Bob, from Acquisitions had too much Pinot Noir, and started to walk around pretending he was a drunk from the past. He put a lamp shade on his head, and paraded around singing what we thought was White Christmas.

But, he forgot to take the lamp out from underneath the lamp shade. The lamp, and base, and lampshade made Bob about 9 foot tall. Our doors are 8 foot high, so when he hit the part of the wall over the door, the glass base exploded, slicing into the electric cord. Sparks were flying everywhere. It set Bob's sweater on fire, and we poured a pitcher of Sangria over the top of him to extinguish the flames. Since he wrapped up in the cord (we are adamant about teaching "stop, drop and roll" before every party) the liquid shorted out the electrical system for the whole building.

When this bought down NORAD, and grounded all of the AWAC planes all over the Northern Hemisphere (don't ask, we are not allowed to tell you) we got a pretty angry call from the Chairman of The Joint Chiefs of Staff.

"Next time you morons have a party and don't tell me you can expect a few party crashers from Seal Team Six." he said. That would be awful, those guys don't know how to mix a drink to save their lives. And forget about having any Nachos, Seals are voracious around cheese covered chips.

Anyway, the party is next week, and we are sending Bob, from HR back in time to get some French wine, and German beer. It will be great.

Happy New Year, well, that is up to you.

We, here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) are working around the clock to bring you the New Year (#haveagreatnewyear), on time and under budget.  It has been a very busy year, many great things, many less than great things, and a few really bad things, have happened around here this year.  But, you deserve a New Year (#haveahappynewyear), and it shouldn't cost a cent more than the agreed upon price.

Of course, the cost of raw materials has increased dramatically.  Many people feel that the increase is caused by several third world countries deciding to have a Happy New Year, so there is more competition for the resources required.  And moving those raw materials from place to place is hideously expensive, too.  But, we are willing to bear the increased expense to bring you the best New Year (#newyear) money can buy, don't worry that most of it will be our money.

We are not even going to raise the subject of labor costs...  Oops, I guess we already raised the subject.  Well, since we are talking about it anyway, it takes a lot of man hours and woman hours, (it takes absolutely no children hours, so anybody from the National Labor Relations Board, or the United State Department of Labor who happen to be looking, look elsewhere) to construct a decent New Year (#newyearyeahright).  But, we have your backs, and will pay the wages, compensation, bonuses, payroll taxes, insurance premiums, and other costs associated with the project.

It is vital to craft the New Year (#newyearwhocares) skillfully, and with quality components.  We only have to look back on 1988, that year was built with inferior,second hand supplies, by temporary employees working out of a condemned building on the Great Malting Peninsula in Pocatello, Idaho.  We all remember what a disaster that was.  1989 (which was no picnic) looked good just because it wasn't 1988.  People were dancing in the streets, singing "Gonna party like it's 1989," which later became a very popular song for an artist who was known as Prince, then was known as an artist formerly known as Prince, but is now an artist who is known as Prince, or possibly an artist who was formerly known as an artist formerly known... Anyway, he took a good idea and made it better, and harmonious, and musical, and profitable.

There is no need to worry, though, we here at Life Explained, (#priceexplained) are committed to making 2015 a good year, no matter how much it costs, within reason, of course.  We will spare no expense, for the most part, to bring you the best available year.  We are willing to go as far as we have to, as long as it is not too far, to produce a year that will not be forgotten.  Not "not forgotten" like 1988, either.  

But, if you want to help, (and who doesn't?) we are accepting donations, anything will help.  New Year, it is a precious resource, too valuable to be wasted, too important to ignore, and too expensive to be cheap about, so give generously.

Thank you,

Life Explained.

More Good News, No, More Great News.

It is now 5:30 in the morning, well, 5:36 if you are keen for precision, (I'm not), and I could not wait to bring you the good news, no the great news.  I will wait here while you get a cup of coffee, and maybe a donut, or a roll, if you want go ahead and make some toast, I will wait.  Hey, if you think I am going to sit here while you whip up a pancake, or a tin of muffins, you are crazy, this is big news, huge news.

Are you sitting?  Good, you will want to be sitting for this.

The kind people at Lefty Pop in all of their boundless generosity, and unequaled brilliance have agreed to post another of my entries.  Please take a look at it here Wow, what a great piece of writing.

If you have any decency you will rush right over, read the article and leave a comment demanding more from this unusual talent, (that would be me, by the way)  and you might want to throw in something about the wonderful toupee I am wearing in the picture.

Great new ideas for greeting cards.

Life changes rapidly, technology, advances in medical care, every day there is some new breakthrough that threatens to make everything just a little different.  Nothing is static, and while new developments can be exciting and life altering somebody needs to take into account how it affects our lives, and the way we interact with each other.  Who better than Life Explained?

People are living longer, having more birthdays, this makes each a little less special.  Maybe we should really just celebrate the odd numbered birthdays, at least after puberty.  They will mean so much more that way.  Here is a little anecdotal proof.   Recently,at the top secret Life Explained warehouse we recently celebrated the birth day of a long time staffer, who had reached the ripe old age of 56.  Gathering in the kitchen, slicing the cake, and belting out a rousing chorus of "Happy Birthday" we handed the associate the card we had all so thoughtfully signed, (many quite wittily, "Wow, you are old as he!!, how did that happen?") and asked, "any comments, Bob?"  It was Bob's birthday, after all.

He replied, "Kiss my ass," then burped, and went back to work, throwing the unopened card and his piece of cake on the floor.  This probably could have been avoided had we waited until the 57th birthday to celebrate.

But, that does not mean there are no celebrations!  It is just time to reevaluate what the party is about.

After a certain age there are so many opportunities to "pop a cork" if you will, and we here at Life Explained are certainly hoping Hallmark is paying attention.

Imagine Bob's, the 56 year old birthday party pooper, surprise when he comes to work and finds a dozen donuts, a mariachi band, and all of his coworkers standing in the parking lot holding a large banner proudly proclaiming;

Don't worry, if you missed it we will play the video in the break room all day long.

But, that is not all.  Lowered serum cholesterol levels should be a cause for ice cream cake and whole milk!  Biopsy comes back negative, time for a party.  Lose a few pounds, lets have bagels.  

The possibilities are endless.  Man, we at Life Explained love technology, and the way it has improved our lives.