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Tuesday, January 19, 2016

It was a new day, but it always ends up the same, doesn't it?

Recently, in a gesture of good will, and a selfless act of civic responsibility we, here at the Midwest Office of Life Explained (MOLE) donated a Technologically Advanced, Completely autOnomous traffic control System (TACOS). It was a miracle of design and programming.

Scanning the license plate of passing cars and accessing the private data from the BMV TACOS would estimate the probable destination of the vehicle and compare that with expected traffic patterns and projected use, TACOS would send a signal to the cars radio and alert the driver of the optimal route.

Here is the true genius of the system. Depending on the make, model and accessories it might even be able to access the cars diagnostic systems and tell a person whether or not they should have that thing on their neck looked at, it might not just be a wart after all.

But, the real benefit was we could implement the Life Explained Authorization Command Hold (LEACH) which would clear traffic, not overtly, but enough, to get us to work smoothly, and without delay. With a quick, easy preprogrammed  routine it would empty the drive through at Bob's House of Donuts and Breakfast Burritos. So maybe it was not completely philanthropic, but it helped everybody.

For a while. As so often happens, when a company tries to do the right thing, improve the daily drudgery, and promote a healthier life, things went a little sour.

TACOS took over the acquisitions and maintenance computers. Using the cities good credit, and close ties with a military contractor, whose name is being withheld (it wasn't us, though*), The system ordered dozens of weapons grade lasers. It had them installed on the lights used to illuminate the freeway, and on stop lights, and traffic cameras all over the city.

At first it just used the weapons to ensure obedience to driving directions. Soon, though, speeders would be evaporated, crossing against the light, zap, ashes, j walkers were disintegrated. People with expired plates were reduced to rubble. You don't even want to know what happened to DUI suspects.

Soon, TACOS had a fleet of drones, armed with cameras, flying around the city (who knows where they came from, but it wasn't us*).  Watching everybody's every move. The corpses of shoplifters, trespassers, and vagrants lined the streets. Thinking about not voting, think again.

So, we are cowering here, in the custodians closet, enough food and water to last for two weeks, enough pine scented disinfectant to last for all eternity. Really, does anybody ever use any of this stuff? There are cases and cases just stacked up in here, and yet nothing ever smells like pine, what sense does that make?  But, that isn't really important right now.

*We don't think it was us, anyway.