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Thursday, April 7, 2016

And now a big announcement.

We have been under a lot of pressure, here at Life Explained, Official Political Investigative Office Division (LE-OPIOD) to endorse a candidate in the Presidential race. However, it has been much more like a Presidential rat race. Or it would be if the candidates weren't acting like such complete jerks. Over the years we've actually been able to learn a few things from rats in laboratories. Try getting these presidential hopefuls to run through a maze for a small piece of cheese. Not on your life.

If you take away the plagues, rabies and certain viral infections rats have actually been useful at times. Giant rats are being used to diagnose tuberculosis in Mozambique. And in Cambodia rats are being trained to find the modern military equivalent of a plague, landmines. We have yet to see any of these candidates do anything so useful.

None of this would even remotely suggest that we are endorsing a rodent for President. That would be absurd. They could never carry the crucial farm vote.

So, we have decided to change our position, it is not like a Presidential Rat Race. It is more like a Presidential Roller Derby. Or it would be if there seemed to be any point in the endless attacks, name calling and endless whining sounds.

In roller derby, they have a group of people working together to perform... We are not sure how points are scored in roller derby. But, we are sure they have at least a couple of people trying to accomplish a shared goal, using a more or less coordinated strategy of violence and intimidation.

We are not suggesting that a roller derby participant run for office. We assume they are too refined for that kind of ridiculous drama. And if we were going to endorse an entertainment figure it would have to be Bob Dylan, because he is Bob Dylan, after all.

We are hoping a candidate will rise above the fray, and win our votes the old fashioned way, whatever that was. If not, we will announce our endorsement on November 5th, everybody loves a winner after all. And we might be able to wrangle a cabinet level position from our backing.