Parade Carnage

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Jester’s Log. Mission #1: Parades

Before I get into my report, I feel it’s in everyone’s best interest for me to warn you about end result of the events I will then describe. It’s a fair warning as the contents of this report may not be suitable for all readers.

Post-parade carnage
As I surveyed the scene of the event following the parade, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the graphic details I’ve seen in many movies depicting large open field battles. In those movies, the ground is littered with the dead bodies of fallen warriors. The grass that was once green is now turned red with the blood of the dead and wounded.

The resulting carnage from a parade is eerily similar – minus the dead bodies in most cases. The streets are littered with unwanted candy that has since been crushed to nothingness by people, horses, trucks and tractors. There’s more candy left wasted in the street than I could eat in a year – at that’s a lot! The grass is littered with unwanted brochures and fliers from businesses participating in the event. The sidewalks are sticky with the remnants of spilled sodas and a variety of adult beverages. Needless to say, it’s a scene not suitable for young children, but they were present in abundance.

Infiltrating the event
Although I initially intended to recon the event by quietly inserting myself into the mass of attendees, I felt that was not good enough if I wished to be able to fully report on the event. Because of this, I chose to go undercover within the parade processional itself. Not only did I find gaining access to the parade quite easy, I even managed to be provided a vehicle to pilot in the parade. This gave me the up front and personal vantage point I was hoping for.

The intent of a parade

By most community standards, a parade is a celebration often related to some local or national event. Thanksgiving Day, New Year’s Day, the Fourth of July – all national celebrations that warrant parades in the United States. In the local communities, you’ll find parades for everything ranging from a milestone anniversary of the town holding the parade to an apparent boredom that can only be snuffed out with a parade.

The parade I attended was celebrating Corn. I love corn, but I never would have thought it warranted a parade. Apparently a few hundred parade entries and a few thousand parade attendees think otherwise. My report reflects my insight into this parade (which I have also witnessed from various vantage points over the last 8 years) as well as additional knowledge I have gathered over the years from other parades.

What you would expect at a parade
Your typical parade is not a quiet event. It’s a mass of horns blaring, sirens screaming, people shouting and cheering and bands playing. There is also a lot of commotion with the variety of vehicles including trucks, heavy machinery, tractors, horses, motorcycles...not to mention all the people walking in the parade. Another common activity is throwing candy to the crowds and/or handing out other trinkets and literature related to your business. This is where the parade idea is falling apart and carnage results.

Society is coming apart
I see the current state of parades as a sign that we may need deep space colonization sooner rather than later. If it’s not the way we treat our planet, it’s the way we treat each other. I saw specific examples of our downfall from children and adults alike. Fortunately, these examples are still in the minority, but that is definitely shifting in the wrong direction.

Children would demand their candy, specify how much you are to give them and then move on to attack the next person without so much as a thank you. My love of candy can almost understand this greed for sweets, but my upbringing (and a wide selection of belts in my dad’s closet) ensured I was more respectful and thankful.

Adults weren’t much better and that in part explains the children. They would reply negatively to whatever cause or business you were supporting and choose to become argumentative rather than just smiling and letting it go. In fact, many parades have banned the throwing of candy because of lawsuits stemming from people getting hit by candy. Yep, that’s where our society is going.

We need space colonization
Deep space colonization appears to be a bigger need than originally thought. The benefits would be two-fold. First, it appears we may be living a little too closely together if simple things like getting hit with a Tootsie Roll warrants a lawsuit. Second, the amount of waste and litter generated by a single parade tells me we will either deplete our resources on Earth or just plain fill up the planet with garbage.

I don’t want to become one of those space traveling entities that go from planet to planet conquering each of them in turn to provide more living space and utilize their remaining resources. Creating our own space colonies is a perfect opportunity to avoid the potential conqueror problem. Dare I say, it’s the right thing to do. Something we must do.

What others may thinking

We on Earth have grown accustomed to the depletion of our resources and try to counter that with recycling. We have also grown accustomed to the breakdown of society and continue to make rules upon rules trying to correct that – which is clearly working out really well for us. That’s thinking small though...”small” meaning Earth. We need to take this thing interstellar.

What do our space alien counterparts think of this? Do they understand it? Are they avoiding Earth because of it? All great questions...mostly because I asked the questions and I’m the report writer here. We will need their help if we truly want to explore the true potential of space colonization, but they won’t come anywhere near our planet if they think they’ll just get sued for some form of environmental spacecraft emissions violation upon arrival.

We are also under-utilizing our technology. If it’s not the fact that we still have horses in parades, it’s the fact that we seem to have stalled out after putting a man on the moon and building one measly space station. I believe our under-utilized technology is something I should look into further. While I’m at it, I may also have to look into conspiracy theories. There is still a large number of people who don’t believe we actually put a man on the moon in the first place. I also learned the other day that there are still people who think the world is flat. Until next time….