Colonizing the Moon

Jester's Log. Mission #7: Hiding Out

You may have been wondering where I have been hiding and I wanted to get you up to date with the goings on around the Life Explained Deep Space Colonization Department. As you know, we have shifted the bulk of our resources towards the Clark/Zahrt presidential campaign. I've now had an opportunity to relax for a breather and thought I should update you.

The trip to Mars was a huge success. Alien voters are registering and voting at a tremendous rate. The fact that the Clark/Zahrt team was the only one with the foresight to put a voter registration station on Mars, we are hugely popular with the Martian voters. (It helps that we didn't tell them anyone was running against us.) 

However, we still have a battle to fight back here on Earth. The validity of these alien votes is up for debate right now. It is obviously understood by all that these Martian voters are in fact NOT American citizens. The real problem is that the Liberal and Conservative parties can't seem to agree on whether or not to allow extraterrestrial votes in the 2016 election. Tim's liberal left is all for it while my rigid right is currently fighting it. I think in the end it will be decided that since none of the candidates are really worth it anyway, we might as well allow anyone and everyone to vote. 

My munitions hoarding, Preppers watching, rigid right mentality still has me concerned about the overall results of the election. Because of this, I have chosen to kill two birds with one stone. (Note that was a common idiom and not a threat to any candidates.) For the next few months, you will be able to find me on the moon.

My plan is allowing me to test run a space-based colony on the moon. It's good preparation practice for our planned Mars-based colony. The fact that it is so much closer to Earth than Mars is just a plus. The transport of supplies for initial construction and near-future expansion will be a little more streamlined...at least until we get our teleportation device up and running at full capacity.

The other benefit of colonizing the moon right now is that I won't be anywhere near the U.S. when the final election results roll in. There are numerous predictions of what will happen should the 2016 election go in a particular direction and none of them are all that appealing. My plan should be sound, but I am still waiting to hear from Putin on what the max range of his ICBMs is and verify if the moon is within that range. 

We will begin taking reservations for the first batch of suites that will soon be available on the moon. Our only restriction is that you can't be one of the celebrities who said they'd be leaving the U.S. if "so-and-so" wins the election. Outstanding cooking abilities are a bonus if you want to get placed higher on the waiting list. 

I better get going for now. There's a lot of work involved with setting up a new colony in space. Until next time....

Hello, my name is Susan Leighton.  I wanted to introduce myself to all of you since Tim Clark, the CEO of Life Explained recruited me for the Deep Space Exploration project among other things. Tim, I have to hand it to you, what a sense of humor!  I really loved the fact that you had a car pick me up in the middle of the night. I thought it was kind of unusual especially when that convincing gentleman told me I needed to wear a blindfold but with the money you are paying me, who is going to complain? Or compare it to a kidnapping?  Not me!

Anyway, I am the SVP of the PRD. We here at LE love talking in acronyms.  It makes everything sound so much more important than it is, harder to decipher and mysterious!  As the SVP of the PRD, one of my tasks is to ensure that LE is adequately represented across every form of media imaginable and some that aren’t but Jesse Zahrt, our head of R&D insists he is working on. Come on, Jesse, Dr. Data cannot wait forever until you combine the algorithm from our microwave in the breakroom with the code of the Wii in our lounge.  Dr. Data assures me this will create the perfect hologram and as you know, holographic projections are on my list of new media frontiers to conquer so get to work!

I will be in charge of press releases for our upcoming deep space exploration project which means that I will be stuck explaining why things aren’t working. Oh, gosh!  I said that out loud, didn’t I? Damn! I have got to cut back on these Mimosas.  Looks like I am celebrating this new position way too much.  What I meant to say was that I will be the one who will field all the inevitable inquiries from the press, NASA, Ancient Aliens, Vladimir Putin, Hillary Clinton’s hairstylist, and the list goes on and on. Tim and Jesse are way too busy for that nonsense. Besides they need someone like me to take on those pundits so they can be free to do whatever it is they do.

One of my first orders of business will be to appoint a galactic/intergalactic ambassador. This will be very important as we set out to colonize the universe and eventually other galaxies. We will need someone who is experienced in dealing with the unknown.  Someone who is interested in seeking out strange new worlds and boldly going where no one has gone before and yada, yada, yada. Now I must mention that this position will be very prominent.  That being said our vetting process will be rather rigorous.

I have already begun taking applications. I had a very promising candidate, Jim Kirk from Iowa.  He had tons of experience but unfortunately when our sources here at LE started our confirmation investigation, there was a scandal that occurred several years ago at his last employer that involved him and a woman named Janice Rand. Unfortunately, we were not able to offer him the position.

I also received another promising resume from a D. Vader.  However, when I went to call his references, they turned out to be bogus.  I got tired of chasing down Mr. Palpatine who I am told has been retired for several years.

If you think you have the right stuff, by all means do not hesitate to send your resume to LE. We are an EOE. We also accept GED, BA, BFA, BS, MA, MFA, MS, and PhD’s.  Am I forgetting anything? Oh yes! We also abide by OSHA as well.  Like I said, don’t these acronyms sound official or officious?  I can’t decide.

Until next time, keep reaching for the stars. We will be. Sometime in the near future. Maybe 20 years from now or a century.  Who is keeping track?

Parade Carnage

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Jester’s Log. Mission #1: Parades

Before I get into my report, I feel it’s in everyone’s best interest for me to warn you about end result of the events I will then describe. It’s a fair warning as the contents of this report may not be suitable for all readers.

Post-parade carnage
As I surveyed the scene of the event following the parade, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the graphic details I’ve seen in many movies depicting large open field battles. In those movies, the ground is littered with the dead bodies of fallen warriors. The grass that was once green is now turned red with the blood of the dead and wounded.

The resulting carnage from a parade is eerily similar – minus the dead bodies in most cases. The streets are littered with unwanted candy that has since been crushed to nothingness by people, horses, trucks and tractors. There’s more candy left wasted in the street than I could eat in a year – at that’s a lot! The grass is littered with unwanted brochures and fliers from businesses participating in the event. The sidewalks are sticky with the remnants of spilled sodas and a variety of adult beverages. Needless to say, it’s a scene not suitable for young children, but they were present in abundance.

Infiltrating the event
Although I initially intended to recon the event by quietly inserting myself into the mass of attendees, I felt that was not good enough if I wished to be able to fully report on the event. Because of this, I chose to go undercover within the parade processional itself. Not only did I find gaining access to the parade quite easy, I even managed to be provided a vehicle to pilot in the parade. This gave me the up front and personal vantage point I was hoping for.

The intent of a parade

By most community standards, a parade is a celebration often related to some local or national event. Thanksgiving Day, New Year’s Day, the Fourth of July – all national celebrations that warrant parades in the United States. In the local communities, you’ll find parades for everything ranging from a milestone anniversary of the town holding the parade to an apparent boredom that can only be snuffed out with a parade.

The parade I attended was celebrating Corn. I love corn, but I never would have thought it warranted a parade. Apparently a few hundred parade entries and a few thousand parade attendees think otherwise. My report reflects my insight into this parade (which I have also witnessed from various vantage points over the last 8 years) as well as additional knowledge I have gathered over the years from other parades.

What you would expect at a parade
Your typical parade is not a quiet event. It’s a mass of horns blaring, sirens screaming, people shouting and cheering and bands playing. There is also a lot of commotion with the variety of vehicles including trucks, heavy machinery, tractors, horses, motorcycles...not to mention all the people walking in the parade. Another common activity is throwing candy to the crowds and/or handing out other trinkets and literature related to your business. This is where the parade idea is falling apart and carnage results.

Society is coming apart
I see the current state of parades as a sign that we may need deep space colonization sooner rather than later. If it’s not the way we treat our planet, it’s the way we treat each other. I saw specific examples of our downfall from children and adults alike. Fortunately, these examples are still in the minority, but that is definitely shifting in the wrong direction.

Children would demand their candy, specify how much you are to give them and then move on to attack the next person without so much as a thank you. My love of candy can almost understand this greed for sweets, but my upbringing (and a wide selection of belts in my dad’s closet) ensured I was more respectful and thankful.

Adults weren’t much better and that in part explains the children. They would reply negatively to whatever cause or business you were supporting and choose to become argumentative rather than just smiling and letting it go. In fact, many parades have banned the throwing of candy because of lawsuits stemming from people getting hit by candy. Yep, that’s where our society is going.

We need space colonization
Deep space colonization appears to be a bigger need than originally thought. The benefits would be two-fold. First, it appears we may be living a little too closely together if simple things like getting hit with a Tootsie Roll warrants a lawsuit. Second, the amount of waste and litter generated by a single parade tells me we will either deplete our resources on Earth or just plain fill up the planet with garbage.

I don’t want to become one of those space traveling entities that go from planet to planet conquering each of them in turn to provide more living space and utilize their remaining resources. Creating our own space colonies is a perfect opportunity to avoid the potential conqueror problem. Dare I say, it’s the right thing to do. Something we must do.

What others may thinking

We on Earth have grown accustomed to the depletion of our resources and try to counter that with recycling. We have also grown accustomed to the breakdown of society and continue to make rules upon rules trying to correct that – which is clearly working out really well for us. That’s thinking small though...”small” meaning Earth. We need to take this thing interstellar.

What do our space alien counterparts think of this? Do they understand it? Are they avoiding Earth because of it? All great questions...mostly because I asked the questions and I’m the report writer here. We will need their help if we truly want to explore the true potential of space colonization, but they won’t come anywhere near our planet if they think they’ll just get sued for some form of environmental spacecraft emissions violation upon arrival.

We are also under-utilizing our technology. If it’s not the fact that we still have horses in parades, it’s the fact that we seem to have stalled out after putting a man on the moon and building one measly space station. I believe our under-utilized technology is something I should look into further. While I’m at it, I may also have to look into conspiracy theories. There is still a large number of people who don’t believe we actually put a man on the moon in the first place. I also learned the other day that there are still people who think the world is flat. Until next time….