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Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Undecided Voter, We Can Help, Decide to Stay Home

There has been a lot of talk lately about this years presidential campaign. Many people are taking sides based on what little they know about a candidate. Most times, if they know something about either of these candidates they quickly choose the other. Unfortunately, once our intrepid voter is safely settled in the camp of the chosen candidate glaring truths come to light, and the once undecided voter, who chose a candidate, becoming a decided voter, is once again adrift in indecision and doubt.

This years crop of undecided voters is bountiful. A record setting number of people who think "Why bother?" This election has people thinking "I wouldn't vote for either of these buffoons with your ballot." People are disgusted, the lies, the accusations, the innuendo, the boastful, vain, sophomoric behavior. Even some lobbyists are taking their money and investing in Powerball, considering it the only sane option.

What do all of these people, these poor lost souls, wandering around the election cycle, scared, confused, unsure what to do with their vote have in common? They all need my help.

That's right, folks, I have not voted in so many elections I am a role model for the disenfranchised.  I am uniquely qualified to help people with the process of election apathy. In 1980 I didn't help Reagan become president. Nor was I any use to him in 1984. Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama, I am beholden to none of them.* None of them was my choice. If you hate any of them, well don't come crying to me.

I will teach people how to react when confronted with the "if you don't vote, you can't complain" argument, as well as the "what if everybody felt that way?" puzzler. I can teach them how to deal with acolytes armed with pamphlets, pushy door to door canvassers. and how to shake hands and agree with representatives of either party with equal fervor.

Remember, here at the Life Explained School of Voter Disinterest our motto is "hey don't blame us, you voted for the moron. Even if your moron didn't win." Enroll now, while there are still seats available, the first debate is liable to swamp the facility.

* I did vote in a few of those elections, and am still racked with guilt, even when my candidate lost.