The Same Old Song and Dance

It has been a troubling week. A nominee for the Supreme Court has been accused of a series of criminal acts. The accusations came from educated, successful people. People who really don’t have anything to gain. Think of Doctor Blasey Ford, she had to live through it once, then try not to think about it for years, and then she had to live through it again. This time in front of the most biased judiciary since the Revolutionary Tribunal did such an admirable job feeding the guillotine.

You could just tell the white, middle aged, and older, wealthy men had already made up their mind about Kavanaugh, had probably made up their mind the minute the President had nominated him. They would have just handed him a robe on the first day if it hadn’t looked so bad on television. Whether they believe Dr. Blasey Ford or not doesn’t matter to them. Whether they worry about Judge Kavanaugh’s complete, furious, unseemly and certainly unbecoming of a Supreme Court Justice behavior doesn’t factor in at all. They have a chance to place a conservative on the Court and they fear the window may be closing. Who knows what will happen in November. If we could animate the corpse of Pol Pot and nominate him they would rush to vote, because he did such a good job suppressing seditionists and homosexuals.

And now we play a waiting game so one senator from Arizona can assuage his guilt. One senator who made such a big stink about being taking a stand against Trump. Ah, Senator Flake, we hardly knew ye. We are now stuck, waiting for an investigation that should last several months, compressed into a week, declare the judge innocent and hand him the keys to the executive restroom and a cut and paste version of the constitution.

You can call me cynical and you can call me stupid but don’t call me and tell me a republican heavy, male dominated senate judiciary committee is going to give a fat rat’s ass what a couple of women have to say. 

So, again, I thank the fates, I am a man, middle aged, almost ready to retire, safe from the predations of our government. I have sons, so they should be safe, but, I watch the women, women who know they are becoming cannon fodder for the great, white old boy’s network. And it makes me worry. What are we teaching our daughters, what are we teaching our sons? Do we even care?

Three Day Weekends and the Cost.

There is something wonderful about a three day weekend.  An extra day off, with pay, it just seems too good to be true.  Luxurious, decadent leisure time, one less alarm clock intrusion into the sweet, restful world of dreams, a little gift from the gods of laziness, and it is yours to spend as you wish.  But, it comes with a price. Reality demands a certain amount of suffering.  Balance needs maintenance, one way or another dues need to be paid.

For some inexplicable reason, the 4 day weeks following a 3 day weekend last almost 6 days.  Despite the development of elaborate time keeping devices, including the Atomic Clock, and the Casio Twin Sensor (which is not just a watch, but a compass and thermometer as well) mankind has been unable to explain this unnatural phenomenon.  Recently, Life Explained has commissioned a study to discover the cause of this inconsistency.  A crack team of time technicians have been at work on this problem since Labor Day, 2012.  Carefully dissecting minutes and examining each second for accuracy. What they found was startling.

Time is not actually a constant.  It is a variable, it takes longer for some time to go by, while other time just zooms past.  Looking back that would explain a lot.  But, here is the strange part, time is really a capricious, sentient being.  It has been around quite a while and occasionally gets a little mischievous just to pass the time.  Further, it sometimes teams up with space (another surprisingly sentient and vengeful entity) to play some very unkind practical jokes on humanity.

Man, that lunch hour was the best five
minutes of my life.

That is why lunchtime can go so quickly, and there is less room in your clothes afterward.  In scientific terms this is called the space time distortion affect.  And has led to a drastic increase in diet beverage sales, as well as psychological therapy.

As a public service we, here at Life Explained, are going to let you in on a little secret. Forget the gym, all the fad diets, all the crazy health advice about heart rates and steps and cardio, kale, pomegranate and dark chocolate, just set a shrine in your living room. A glorious temple to praise and bring glory and honor to time and space. Burn some incense, make a few ritual, shamanistic gestures, and soon you will look younger, fitter, healthier than you ever have. And trust us, here at Life Explained, you don't have any time to waste.You can thank us later.

Don't forget to run over to The Wild Word and cast your vote for your favorite song, out of our favorite songs, there is no write ins allowed, we are not anarchists, after all. Remember the wisdom of Walt Kelly's Pogo.

Happiness, Early in the Morning.

It has been a little over a week since I started my search for happiness. I have made some progress, and ran into some obstacles, but things seem to be improving, I think. One thing is certain. It is possible to be happier just by trying to be happy. A rule that seems so ridiculously easy it can’t be true. But, I think it is.

Conversely, it seems if you think things are going to go poorly they probably will. Which spells trouble for me, I’ve always assumed things were going to fall completely to pieces, “Every new message brings an evil report of armies on the march and time running short,”¹ which always provided a certain amount of relief when things only went poorly, and if things went well it was almost ecstasy. So, I still wrestle with the inevitability of assuming a day, say Monday for example, is going to be a good day, and then having it blow up in my face. What are the odds of that, though?

My life is routine, my job is uneventful, most days my job wouldn’t even notice if I weren’t there, I have trained my job to do itself, I am in fairly good health, there is not much that can go wrong. My life isn’t foolproof, but it is almost on autopilot. My wife takes care of all the finances and most of the decision making. When things go wrong she fixes them, I am just along for the ride. I am the boy in the bubble, or the old man in the full life body cast, you choose.

So, happiness should easy for me. And really it is. I am pretty happy, I am just happy in my own way. There is no need to make a big, flashy display of happiness, flaunting it in the face of all the miserable people who haven’t figured out how to escape without leaving. Poor souls stuck in the present, mired in the day to day struggles of making ends meet, lost in the salt mines of living day to day. People whose lives are bogged down in balancing check books, planning meals, making payments, all the detritus of living in the 21st century.

Maybe I should start giving lessons.

Welcome to the New Life Explained School of Happiness. Tuition is voluntary. We have a lot to cover, so hold on tight. First I am going to get some coffee.

Today’s song of happiness is from an unusual source, Dr. John. Don’t forget to vote in the upcoming poll on Life Explained, the Facebook Page.

1. Caribbean Wind, by Bob Dylan

Vote your conscience, as long as it isn't dumb.

There are only 12 days until the election. Less than 2 weeks, more than 10 days sure, but fewer than 14. In fact for the moment it is nestled safely between 11 and 13, right at 12. Both of the major party candidates have said a lot, a disturbing amount. All of it probably nothing more than "elect me hyperbole." Zahart and Clark have a plan, though.

We are going to create jobs. We are going to balance the budget. We are going to set things right. How, you ask, or would had you not been sickened by the gaseous emissions of the campaign so far. We are glad you asked, or would have asked if you had any strength left.

Our plan is simple, if you vote for us you will receive a secret code, come back here, enter the code, and we hire you as an investigator. Your job will be to investigate all of the people who don't have a code.

Of course, if enough people have the good sense to vote for us and there are not enough "investigatees" to go around we will appoint you as legal counsel for one of the foolish. Not that we are saying being foolish is a crime, and not that we are in any way implying that not voting for us is indictable, we are just only going to make everybody happy.

Honestly, lets say you were silly enough to vote for someone else wouldn't it make you feel good to have someone smart enough to vote for us defend you? Of course you would.

That sort of generosity, in the face of the bitter election cycle is what makes this country great. So get off your lazy bottom and vote. Also, if you take your secret code to Dunkin Donuts they will give you a cream filled donut with colorful sprinkles. Where else but America?

Undecided Voter, We Can Help, Decide to Stay Home

There has been a lot of talk lately about this years presidential campaign. Many people are taking sides based on what little they know about a candidate. Most times, if they know something about either of these candidates they quickly choose the other. Unfortunately, once our intrepid voter is safely settled in the camp of the chosen candidate glaring truths come to light, and the once undecided voter, who chose a candidate, becoming a decided voter, is once again adrift in indecision and doubt.

This years crop of undecided voters is bountiful. A record setting number of people who think "Why bother?" This election has people thinking "I wouldn't vote for either of these buffoons with your ballot." People are disgusted, the lies, the accusations, the innuendo, the boastful, vain, sophomoric behavior. Even some lobbyists are taking their money and investing in Powerball, considering it the only sane option.

What do all of these people, these poor lost souls, wandering around the election cycle, scared, confused, unsure what to do with their vote have in common? They all need my help.

That's right, folks, I have not voted in so many elections I am a role model for the disenfranchised.  I am uniquely qualified to help people with the process of election apathy. In 1980 I didn't help Reagan become president. Nor was I any use to him in 1984. Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama, I am beholden to none of them.* None of them was my choice. If you hate any of them, well don't come crying to me.

I will teach people how to react when confronted with the "if you don't vote, you can't complain" argument, as well as the "what if everybody felt that way?" puzzler. I can teach them how to deal with acolytes armed with pamphlets, pushy door to door canvassers. and how to shake hands and agree with representatives of either party with equal fervor.

Remember, here at the Life Explained School of Voter Disinterest our motto is "hey don't blame us, you voted for the moron. Even if your moron didn't win." Enroll now, while there are still seats available, the first debate is liable to swamp the facility.

* I did vote in a few of those elections, and am still racked with guilt, even when my candidate lost.

No matter who's the winner we all pay the cost.

John Boehner called Ted Cruz "Lucifer in the flesh.  "I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life." Boehner said of the presidential hopeful. Lindsay Graham said of Senator Cruz, “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.”

Donald Trump has brought in Bobby Knight to explain how acting presidential is indefinable and explain how his Army team kicked hell out of Navy for eight straight years.

Carly Fiorina and her brand of fiery campaign assault have returned to grace our televisions. She even sang a little tune, and seemed to carry it very well, considering she can come across as such an angry unrestrained tyrant at times.

Hillary and Bernie are locked in a pitched battle over speeches and tax returns. Both candidates pretending they are not wealthy beyond the imagination of most Americans. Somehow, they hope, this will make them seem more sympathetic to the plight of a middle class slowly being crushed under the weight of the American Dream.

Honestly, you would think this kind of presidential combat would delight and thrill me. It doesn’t. The waste of time, the fantastic expense, the irreversible damage to our culture, and society are starting to demand their fee.

And, if you think that isn’t funny, here is something that isn’t even funnier. This is just American Politics of the New Millennium, the Introduction. It is going to get worse. Once the primaries are over and we have the actual candidates tearing each other to pieces over who is less likely to destroy the country then we will see the new reality.

Then we will see American Politics at its basest and most repulsive. And it is only the beginning. The Houses of Congress have not forgotten the valuable lessons learned in the government shutdown and the sequestration. It is frightening to imagine the bargaining tactics they are devising for the next president. Fortunately, the wait is almost over.

And they wonder why it is so hard to get people to vote. It seems obvious.

“Well, the emptiness is endless, cold as the clay,

You can always come back but you can’t come back all the way.”*

*Bob Dylan. Mississippi.

United we stand, just not too close together.

It is Easter, and that means spring is beginning to put a stranglehold on the Midwest. With all of the pleasant weather, warm comfortable breezes wafting menacingly across the patios and yards. Oh, it looks like we are stuck right in the middle of the insidious creeping pleasantness.

This may not be the best time to remind everyone about the coming catastrophe. Yes, we still have a gang of degenerates crossing the country, making vague threats, boastful, empty promises, and spending money at an alarming rate.

In brutal terms these people are like an invading army, but they are not trying to capture territory. It is more like an indiscriminate crime spree than an occupation. Groups of wild eyed marauders crashing into an area, and hammering the local population with unbelievably extravagant situations, staying long enough to feel that the people have bent to their will. Once this goal has been reached they load up and they are off to the next group victims.

Don't bother to call the local officials, law enforcement won't intercede on your behalf, they are complicit in the invasion. They even offer "protection" to the invaders. In return for "money" and future considerations.

Our advice. Stay inside and turn off the television. Call in sick, or call in well, "I feel too good to come to work." If strangers knock on your door, act like you have a bad cold, a potentially lethal spring cold, just short of Ebola, and sneeze at them often. Pepper in a tissue will work magic. Trust me they won't stick around long.

Oh, and practice enthusiasm, "I love that guy." No matter the candidate. I can sing the praises of either party, with the zeal of a television evangelist through an alkaloid induced sneeze with such righteous enthusiasm that it even embarrasses me.

If we stick together we can get through this, united we stand as long as we stay in our own homes. So, I will see you in a couple of months, comrade.

Campaign Coverage from Life Explained

Super Tuesday Part Deux, or Dos, or Two, or B, (whichever you prefer, any of them is fine with us) has pretty much wrapped up. Except for Missouri which may take until Friday. Some people will do anything for attention. Show Me, yeah right, show us the winner.

As far as election years go this has been the most entertaining. Most of the candidates have kept it blissfully detail free. Even for presidential politics, these hopefuls have been several standard deviations above the mean. 

We can probably thank Donald Trump for part of that. It would be very difficult to flesh out the meat of positions that change so often. He is a master at saying what people want to hear, no matter what. His stump speeches are a masterpiece of pandering, and manipulation. People seem to embrace his outsider status, even though he may actually be the next evolution of politician. 

Lindsay Graham said "If you murdered Ted Cruz on the floor of the senate and the trial was in the senate nobody would convict you." One unnamed Republican was quoted as saying that Cruz seems to be "covered in a thick layer of people repellent." It is difficult to be much more of an outsider than that. Somehow he is outside his peers, his coworkers and seems to be shooting for outside of humanity.

John Kasich won Ohio, and nowhere else. He lost every other state yesterday, and every other day since the campaign started. And he promptly accepted the nomination. Not really, but he vowed to keep going. In 2008 many people felt Kasich was campaigning for Vice President. Maybe he never stopped.

In Michigan voters who value honesty gave Bernie Sanders an 80 to 19 advantage. And that seems to be the norm. But, Clinton is kicking his socialist Utopian bottom all over the country. Politicians have a reputation for dishonesty, but her reputation is extreme even by modern standards. She may be another progression in modern political design.

This is the political landscape, and these are our choices. So go, cast your vote, and wallow in a sense of sense worth. But, take heart, we are not alone. Remember the words of the greatest Ohioan of all time, Ambrose Bierce.

IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.

Stupendous, Fantastic Tuesday.

Today is Super Tuesday the 2nd. If something works in America we need to have a sequel, we can't help ourselves. In a way it is surprising that they haven't come up with some a little catchier than Super Tuesday, something along the lines of "Terrific Tuesday, Day of Decision." We love our grandiose titles. But, Super Tuesday in Ohio, and the local press could not be more excited.

And the local stations have a good reason to be excited, too. For one thing political advertisements sell themselves. They could fire the staff that sells commercial air time and still be rolling in the promotional dough. But, after today things will move west, north, a little, east, and south and then people will need to be convinced television commercials are an effective waste of money.

But, for now, things are good, the air ways are filled with candidates and their henchmen comparing and contrasting themselves and their rivals. "I am like a golden swan, bringing peace and joy, wealth, and, happiness. My opponent is the epitome of evil, with a black heart and the soul of a demon. Who might make a wonderful vice president, by the way."

I am reminded of a Peanuts comic strip. It was from the Sunday paper so there were 6 cells and in the first five Lucy is lecturing Snoopy (who is laying peacefully on the top of his dog house) about the intelligence of pigs. Telling Snoopy how much smarter pigs are than dogs. In the last frame Snoopy thinks "If they are so smart why are they pigs?"

Politics present that same riddle. If they are so wholesome, caring, wonderful, compassionate and thoughtful why are they politicians?

Of course that is a terrible way to see things, I realize, but the more I watch, the more it seems obvious none of these people have earned my vote.

Super Tuesday how we will miss you. Too bad you only come once every four years.

Vote For Bob.

Vote For Dr. Dawg,

My fellow Americans when I become president I will build a wall on our southern border.

I will build a wall on our northern border.

I will build a wall on the east coast, I will build a wall on the west coast. I will slap a roof across the top, and we will have the worlds first climate controlled nation.

No more sweltering, humid summers, no more frigid, icy winters. Cool, comfortable conditions year around. That's what I do, I live in comfort, and so should you.

Who will build the walls, and the roof? Cheap foreign labor, that's who. Because we will all be too busy living the good life, because that's what I do, make people wealthy. Wouldn't you like to be wealthy?

And I will get the other countries scattered throughout the uncivilized parts of the world to pay for it all. Because I have the worlds greatest collection agency working for me. That's what I do, I get paid, and you will get paid too.

I make dreams come true, that's what I do. And I will make your dreams come true. After I am elected.

People have asked "couldn't you do a lot of those things without being president?"

I tell those people "shut up!" And they shut up.

My name is Doctor Dawg and I approved this message.

Vote For Doctor Dawg, why not, I mean look around, who else is there?

It is time for a real leader who has made real sacrifices, and has a real video.

Today is what we, here at Life Explained, like to call Wednesday. We don't really have time for all the Hump Day nonsense that happens at places like General Dynamics, or Boeing, or Northrop Grumman. We wish we had that kind of time.

And we would if we were just assembling little toys, and trinkets. Man, wouldn't that be nice if we could just punch the clock, slap together a fighter jet, or tank, and head home to have a nice meatloaf, or pot roast with the family. Man, what we wouldn't give for a big plate of Kielbasa and cabbage at the kitchen table with the wife and kids. What were there names again? Nobody remembers, that is how busy we are.

Do you honestly, for a minute, for even a second, think the guys at Lockheed Martin, or Raytheon are too busy to remember the names of their loved ones? Of course you don't. They are probably still sitting at home in a stained sweatsuit, drinking fresh, hot coffee, and scraping up the last bits of biscuits and gravy with their finger. Just waiting for the sun to climb above the horizon so they don't have to drive to work in the dark. Makes us sick.

But, we are not complaining, we do it to keep the nation, the world, even the solar system, and possibly the entire Milky Way galaxy safe from the threats that you don't even want to know about. So, we won't tell you, because we care about you.

Don't you think you should vote for a candidate who is willing to make these kinds of sacrifices, met these demands, toiled in these oppressive conditions? Don't you think a candidate who can handle this type of adversity would laugh at the so called "crises" that plague the world today?

Paid for by the Doctor Dawg For President Committee 

Not responsible for comments or misleading images.

It is close, man, real close.

I would like to remind everybody of the huge showdown this weekend. +Mike Raven of the painfully good Blog of Thog and I will be deciding once and for all, in no uncertain terms, unequivocally, beyond a shadow of a doubt which brand of government is superior. UK with a Prime Minister, House of Lords, and House of Commons, or the US with a President and Houses of Congress.

This is not going to be easy, because I don't really have a lot of faith in governments of any kind. It is not the government that is troubling, it is the people that worry me. Historically, when given a little power people let it go their head, and the next thing you know all hell is breaking loose.

Plus, I like the UK, there are a lot of great things that have come from the Island Nation. Coleridge, Shakespeare, Dickens, The Clash, The Kinks, The Beatles are just a few. There is nothing bad between Great Britain and Life Explained.

I even tried to spell color with a U (colour), because it seemed all British, and cool. Siri kept correcting it, though. I said "Siri, I want to spell color with a U." She said, "we're not doing that, Tim." Dangit,  I can't have anything.

The Coveted Best of the Worst Cup

But, the debate goes on, and I am armed with twenty or so presidential candidates, and a conviction that out of all the governments in the world ours (here in the good ol' US) is probably not the worst.

That's right, Mike, we are not the worst. In fact, we might be the least bad! I am here to say, with pride and conviction, that our government might be the best kind of awful, are you ready to deal with that.

The Countdown.

The countdown in on, only... 8 or 9 more days, maybe 10, I am not much for math, and my calendar is around on the end of my desk and facing the wrong direction. But, it is not long now. The big showdown between the hapless +Mike Raven* at the Blog of Thog regarding the respective governments of our respective nations. Complete with video.

For those of you asking, "hey whats in it for me?" and here I am not going to name any names, but
there are people who have expressed an interest in being swayed, financially, or at least prestigiously, I have discussed possible compensatory rewards with the corporations who own the US government. Lets just say there are several openings in the near future, vis-a-vis speaker of the house, majority whip, even the oval office for those willing to see the "red, white and blue light."

Oh, and don't forget to write a post detailing your opinion, and add a video, maybe tweet. It is your chance to have your say.

Oh, and here is a little sample clip, so Mike can see what kind of carnage he is facing.

*He is not really hapless at all, in fact I would venture to say he has plenty of haps, a whole boatload of haps, he maybe the most happening guy I have never met. Though someday we are going to meet and I will buy him a beer, or a coffee based drink, he seems to like those.

A tale of two candidates. Or Fear of Flying.

For several years there was a program about a poor man, with little education, who had been a petty criminal trying to turn his life around. He was obsessed by a belief in Karma, and felt the need to make amends for all the bad things he had done. "My Name Is Earl," was about a man and his brother living in a cheap hotel and working on repairing the path they had laid to waste.

On one episode they were flying to Mexico. Being poor, and unsophisticated they had never been on a plane before. When the flight attendant went through the pre-flight instructions (about emergency evacuations, water landings, all of the wonderful things) to the passengers Earl became increasingly agitated. Finally, he jumped up and ran off the plane, stopping just long enough to tell the Flight Attendant "here's a little tip for you, next time tell some stories about what to do if the plane doesn't crash."

This may be why Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are enjoying such unexpected success. They are espousing ideas that involve moving forward. Taking steps to improve things, make life better for people. What they are going to do to keep the plane flying.

Too many politicians are saying things about their first day in office they are going to rescind this order, denounce a treaty, undo an official act. In essence telling the constituents, the plane is already on doomed, put your tray table up, and be grateful you have a little time to make amends.

Or, they may rely on the old tactic of pointing out how their opponent has made a mess of things, and could only be expected to do worse with more power. Sort of the Peter Principle Political Variety. Elected to their level of incompetence, and down goes the plane, please put your head on your lap and weep softly.

Sanders and Trump maybe promising things that make little sense, or have any chance of succeeding, but they are proclaiming their commitment to action. Even if you think "there is no way that guy is qualified to fly this plane" it is nice to hear someone say they have ideas about keeping the heavier than air, coffin like projectile in the air.

Hold On, it's going to get rough!

They probably have no chance at all of being elected, high hopes and popularity will only take you so far. Particularly when the political parties are marshaling their forces to encircle and crush the wayward candidates. There is a lot of power in the major party forces and they will have no problem wielding their might.

But, it has been fun hearing stories about what to do when the plane doesn't crash.

Another day, another candidate

Ohio Governor John Kasich is kind of announced he is going to announce his candidacy for the Presidency on July 21st. No real surprise there, almost everybody in the country, except Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, is campaigning for the Republican nomination. Mr. Kasich's announcement may come as a surprise to the rest of the country, but in Ohio everybody knows, the press is reporting on the coming event regularly.

Governor Kasich's intentions are probably widely known.  It seems the only thing elected officials can keep secret are the myriad additions to spending bills and budgets. Additionally, the man has been traveling to Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina. All of these are probably wonderful places to visit, but the coincidence is too enormous to overlook.

Which begs the question, why wait to make his announcement, is this an attempt to make a flashy entrance by being fashionably late? If everybody who pays attention already knows what advantage can be gained from waiting? Isn't he afraid all of the good sources of monetary contribution will be taken? 

Honestly, how much money can be left? Look at the fund raising figures for the real candidates, it is incredible. Running for president can be like a license to print money. Or more accurately, like a license to have other people print money and hand it over, in heaping piles. Most people can't even understand the wealth raised and spent during a presidential election cycle. I can't, anyway.

According to reports any candidate who wants to be taken seriously will need to raise over 100 million dollars. That is a lot of coin, friend. If I were walking down the street and found a $20.00 bill that would be a big thing, I would feel pretty lucky.  This is like they walked down the street and found a $20.00 bill 5 million times. How lucky is that? and this does not even include Super PACs, and all of the Inferior PACs, who have a little cash, too.

What do they do with all of that money? A lot of it is spent attempting to convince voters that a chosen candidate, no matter what anybody else has to say, is the least objectionable. "Make no mistake, you might be sorry if you vote for our guy, but not as sorry as you could be, if you catch our drift." 

In a way it is similar to the old "protection" scheme made popular by television depictions of organized crime. "Accidents happen, we just want to minimize your risk." Or maybe it is like insurance, I will think about it and let you know.

Anyway, John Kasich is no fool when it comes to politics, I'm afraid that job is left to the voters. He has a plan, and it involves money, huge piles of money. Most of it used to belong to someone else. But, when he announces, please act surprised, even Governors have feelings, you know.

vote for Dr. Dawg, what do you have to lose?

Dr. Dawg for President, Hey,you could do worse.

The power went out at work today, fortunately, not until after I had downloaded the free app of the day.  Halftones 2.  It is time to start campaigning.

Doctor Dawg, he won't make any big mistakes.

Announcing his candidacy, Dr. Dawg.

We are on the eve of the Presidential Primaries.  Donald Trump is the latest to join the fray. With a big, splashy announcement, using Neil Young music, the theme from the Phantom of the Opera, and an escalator, he jumped into the middle of the fight in a way only a seasoned reality television "actor" can.  Who will be next, and how will they top that, the anticipation is almost lethal.

We, here at Life Explained, would like to see more people follow Mr. Trump's lead.  It seems to us that substance has long been abandoned, and flair, and drama are the new trump card (please forgive the pun, it was too easy to resist).  

Campaign managers should be replaced by directors, and speech writers should be supplemented with special effects studios.  We realize that we are not going to glean any useful information from any serious candidate, who is too worried about offending anyone to speak truthfully.  If we can't have information, and facts we may as well have some entertainment.

It would solve a lot of problem.  Voter apathy and low turnouts at the polling place would be replaced with swarming, mobbing, adoring fans, willing to camp overnight, on a sidewalk to cast a vote for the star candidate of their choice.

With that in mind we would like to announce Dr. Dawg for president. Beta version, only.

This is the rough draft, and will be polished, as soon as we have a little more coffee, and receive a few more large donations, from wealthy, helpful donors.  Or, just feel like cleaning it up a bit.  Stay tuned for further improvements.

Voting the ultimate charity.

We, here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) have decided to move forward with a new fund raising strategy.  It is almost fool proof, it is almost perfect.  Plus, it is so simple that almost anybody can do it.  That's right, we are going to run for president.

Well, not all of us are going to run for president, not that all of us shouldn't run for president, don't get us wrong, all of us would make a wonderful president, you should be so lucky to have us all for president, being president would be easy for us after the things we have been through, why the stories we could tell you...  Anyway, we are going to pick one of us, and he, or she, is going to run for president.

Thorough research has indicated that campaigning for president maybe the most lucrative profession in the country.  And you don't even have to win, people will hire you to give speeches, and advocate on their behalf, and there are book rights, and made for television movies, and... it is just a good idea.

First, there are the fundraiser dinners.  People pay thousands of dollars to have a meal with us.  And we don't even have to cook, serve or clean up.  Where else are you going to find a sweetheart deal like that?  We have trouble getting somebody's mom to fix up a plate of cookies and drop them off once in a while.  And, then we have to wash the plate, and take it back.  And, if we ask for a few dollars for gas, maybe a cup of coffee for the trip back to work they ask like we are asking if we can move back home.  Which would not be so bad, we could help out with the yard work, and maybe pitch in for the groceries.  They could do a lot worse than us for a room mate, we can tell you that, we bring a lot to the table, we have a job, and our own microwave, and...  Anyway, there is a lot of money to be made in dinners like that.

Second, there is that cool bus, traveling across the country, shaking hands, meeting people.  Sitting down, breaking bread with the common people, the salt of the Earth, the good folk of this fine country.  Discussing the issues, exploring their priorities, learning what they feel is wrong and needs to be fixed in the nations capitol, and then ignoring it completely.  But, a lot of those little diners have excellent pie or cobbler, fresh, dairy churned ice cream, and big steaming mugs of hot, delicious coffee.  And, we are pretty sure someone else picks up the tab.  Man, the people of this country have it made, really, what are they whining about, we are the ones stuck in that stupid tour bus, with all of those boring charts, and displays, and the constant, endless whining sound of unemployment, budget, foreign policy, reach across the aisle, you know what, let the people put down their coffee mug, and spoon full of ice cream and cobbler, and deal with that stuff, that is what we think should...  Well, we are off to Dubuque, we hear The Golden Hen has a fantastic omelet.

Hey, is that a tax exempt political donation,
or are you just glad to see us. 

Third, there will be people lining up to hand us suitcases full of money.  How many times in your life have you been in a position to accept bags of cash from fantastically wealthy people?  We don't really care, that was not really a question it was more of a declarative, yes we realize it was phrased as an interrogative, but trust us, we can tell by looking at you nobody ever handed you a sack of cash.  It was an example of using rhetoric to emphasize the validity of an argument.   We used a phrase that would invoke a strong visual reaction to make a point.  What was the point?  Well... what was the point?  Oh, yeah.  There is a lot of money being handed to candidates today, and according to the candidates, and donors, it is not to influence policy, or buy elections, it is just to... it is only for... we don't know why they go around handing out serious piles of coin like that, and we don't care, we would just like to get out hands on some

Remember, it is your government, and it only works if you all vote, and donate, so get out and vote, and donate.  We take cash, checks and all major credit cards, jewelry, electronics, and motor vehicles. Can our opponents say that?

The Search Continues. Now Hiring part Deux.

We posted an ad for a new CEO last week, and the response has been overwhelming.  People are lining up outside the office now, looking for an edge.  Some carrying signs, "hire me, I am perfekt for the job," or "hire me, I have a degree in 'top secret organization management,'" or "hire me, I need a job, and I know where you live."  Clearly, there are many strong candidates for the position.  But, we have also been inundated with internal candidates as well.  It seems everybody wants a chance to choose what to have for lunch.

Feeling it would be a mistake to overlook a choice that was already sucking up some of the payroll we started evaluating the prospects within.

We have always been an egalitarian group, and that isn't going to change.  Everybody contributes to the success of our organization, and everybody has a stake in our continued growth, and everybody should get a say in a matter this important.  So, we took all of the names of the people who expressed an interest in being the big kahuna, the wheel, the suit that runs the store, if you will, (oddly enough it was everybody in the whole company) and voted.

It was a close race, but in the end, it was a tie, everybody had one vote.  At first we thought Dr, Dawg won, he had two votes.  A recount revealed he had voted twice, though.

It didn't take long for that little trick to catch on and people were rushing to pens, paper and ballot box. The sound of pens, scribbling furiously, was almost unbearable, and the boxes were bulging, overflowing with scraps of paper, index cards, napkins, anything that a name could be written on.

We decided the best way to handle the promotion was an essay contest.  "How I would handle authority, and the responsibility of being in control."  Everybody turned in copies of the US Constitution, the Emancipation Proclamation, the Magna Carta.  Good examples of the use of power.  It was too hard to choose, we should have said it had to be original.

We thought about an arm wrestling contest, but Bob from the Department of Weight Lifting was too big.  Which is kind of surprising, most of did not even know we had a Weight Lifting Department.  A good executive would know these things, another reason to continue the search.

One idea that seemed plausible, taking turns, everybody would get to run the company for one day.  We setup a rotation.  Every day the CEO would be from a different department.  We felt this was the fairest method, plus it would provide a fresh perspective daily.








On the first day, Bob, from Customer service sent the following email.  

When he was informed that was probably beyond the scope of his authority, he tried to fire everyone in the company, screaming, "you will feel the wrath of Bob, the Invincible."  It took the entire secretarial pool, and the guy delivering the donuts, and cookies to subdue him.  Fortunately, none of the donuts, or cookies were damaged.

We are still looking for a CEO, and will continue our search.  If you know anybody competent, have them contact us at TweettweetJohn@yahoo.com, or leave a comment with their qualifications, educations, and list of medications below.

Thank you,

Presidential Campaign Preseason, Where Winners Are Made.

Today, in the Columbus Dispatch it was reported that Senator Rob Portman has announced that he would not run as a candidate for President.  He chose, instead, to seek reelection to the Senate.  According to the article Senator Portman claimed he was not interested in being Vice President either.  He feels, apparently, that he has a lot of work to do in the Senate.  Admirable, to be sure.  Senator Portman does seem to be a decent person, moderate, and reasonable, characteristics that are in short supply in the Capitol.

But, none of that matters, too much, because we, here at the Life Explained (#lifeexplained) Political Campaign Headquarters (#politicalcampaignheadquarters) are not at all interested in people who are not running for office, and people who are not even willing to campaign for Vice President are particularly uninteresting.  We want to know who is running.

Since Ohio is a battleground state (we like to think of ourselves as Kingmakers (#kingmakers)) we get to spend a lot of time being catered to, and wooed by candidates.  And, they spend a lot of time and money briefing us on the shortcomings of other candidates. Information desperately needed to choose the least awful candidate, the person least likely to completely ruin everything.  We really get to see the seamy, despicable side of candidates, thanks to other candidates.  We, here at the Life Explained (#lifeexplained) Presidential Campaign Headquarters, (#presidentialcampaignheadquarters) are very grateful.  Imagine the time Ohioans would have to waste looking up all of the terrible things about prospective presidents themselves, it would destroy the state economy.

Right now there are potential presidential candidates assembling armies on the frontiers of Ohio, massing volunteers, raising funds, building war chests, getting ready to invade the state.  All of them just waiting for the right   It is always a calculated risk to be the first one to announce.  Sure you get the best seats in Iowa caucuses, an important early feast for candidates, but you open yourself to numerous attacks from other presidential would be's.  All roads to Ottumwa start in Ohio.  And you know what state is between Iowa and New Hampshire, you guessed it, Ohio.

Obviously, there are a great many benefits to Presidential campaigns, here in Ohio.  Monetary rewards for sure, but more important, a sense of importance, and fulfillment.  Ohio is still recovering from the collapse of the steel industry, and was hit hard by the problems of the auto industry, and we can't forget the Drive in 1987, when John Elway cut the heart out of Ohio, or the Shot, in 1989, when Micheal Jordan stomped all over that heart.  Clearly, we need a little something to make us feel good.

There is no better cure for a poor self image than hearing about the awful shortcomings, and terrible habits of another.  If that person is a famous politician, with a ridiculous amount of money, powerful backers, a Super PAC, a tour bus, a manager, and possibly a political Juggernaut to call his own, then so much the better.

In the interest of our fine state, the slowly recovering economy, and the sluggish job outlook we, here at the Life Explained (#lifeexplained) State Recovery Ministry (#staterecoveryministry) would like to recommend a more robust Presidential Campaign Season, something along the lines of the NBA, or the NHL, or MLB, or for that matter the NFL, or thinking reasonably, it that is still a possibility, any professional sport.  One that seems to never end, with a championship leading right to preseason, right into the regular season.  It is growth industry, and the country needs some good news.