Life, Explained on Why Work is Just Like High School

I guess you could say I had an epiphany the other day.  For many years, I wondered why I was not an ideal fit for corporate life.  I used to be puzzled as to why other people would be rejoicing in the fact that they were celebrating 30 years at the same company.  For those of you who are reading this and taking offense to my statement, that is not my intention.  If you spent 30 years at the same company and truly enjoy your work, then kudos to you!  I think it is great you have found your purpose in life and are doing what you love. Embrace it because what you are experiencing is an elusive experience for some of us.

My epiphany occurred the other day while I was watching the 80’s classic film, “The Breakfast Club.” When I first saw this movie, it was in the theater and I was in my second year of college. Yes, I know, I just gave away my age. However, I was struck by how relevant the film is to my life in 2016.  As I watched Molly, Judd, Michael, Emilio, and Ally cavorting in the library I realized that most of my issues with working in office environments stemmed from not enjoying high school.

Crazy, right?  Please allow me to plead my case. In the “Breakfast Club” you have five categories of people that all of us encountered while attending a secondary educational institution.  Molly Ringwald as Claire represented the super popular group, Judd Nelson as Bender represented the trouble maker crew while Anthony Michael Hall’s character Brian represented the geek contingent.  Rounding out the cast was Emilio Estevez as Andy, the fun-loving jock and Ally Sheedy as Allison, the artistic outcast.  

All of those groups are alive and well and thriving in the business world. They may not be as pronounced but they are there.  To be honest, I did not enjoy my time in high school.  I have not been to a reunion nor do I wax nostalgic about the “good old days.” I did not particularly enjoy being confined to classrooms from 8 am to 3 pm.  While I understand the need for schedules, I did not exactly relish having my day planned out for me. 

In the 80’s we did not have home schooling.  We did not have the option to choose our curriculum.  If we were struggling in algebra, too bad, we could not drop the dreaded subject like college.  Nor could we opt out of attending a pep rally even if sports were not our thing. Does any of this sound familiar? Wait for it, wait for it….

Bingo! That was exactly how I felt in the various jobs I have held throughout my life. It was just like high school except the names, faces, and places had changed.  Every institution that I had worked for had the “Breakfast Club” groups.  The cheerleaders and student council members were replaced with the co-workers that were always involved in every activity at work.  These individuals were on various committees, they always won awards, and they always associated with the right people.   

The meeting derailers were the new Benders. These were the folks who always made sure that a 30-minute scheduled meeting turned into an hour with their questions on subjects that were already covered or by regaling people with their personal stories that have nothing to do with the topic at hand.

The geeks to me were not the IT professionals but the employees who were found on reporting teams.  These spreadsheet warriors made it their personal missions to blow up email with their enormous Excel reports filled with thousands of tabs and complex formulas designed to give statistics that only Einstein could fathom.  These groups were also the ones responsible for creating every PowerPoint presentation on earth with charts, graphs and other witchcraft that only succeeded in transforming those 30 minute meetings into hours so that people could decipher their Da Vinci codes.

Team managers were the new jocks who would use the aforementioned statistics like box scores in order to coach their respective employees.  Regardless of whether or not they believed in every organizational policy, they had to put their game faces on and make their subordinates rally to the cause.  

If I had to categorize myself, I guess I would have to say that in my working life, I fell in to the outcast group with Ally Sheedy.  Not really feeling like I belonged but just needing to get a paycheck.  Keeping my head down and doing what was necessary so that I did not get noticed. 

So, what is my takeaway from my experience in the world of business? Be your own person, do not try to fit into a group or be made to feel as if you need to become someone you are not.  If you enjoy working in office settings and that is who you are, terrific!  I wish you nothing but success and happiness. For those of you who feel like you are stuck in that high school library on a Saturday morning, just remember you are not alone.  Believe in who you are and the talents that you have to offer. Give yourself permission to find your passion.  It is never too late. 

Life Explains or at Least Attempts to Explain....FITNESS

After a recent trip to the doctor and stepping on a scale after avoiding it for a LONG time, I decided that I needed to make some changes. To be honest, I was not really looking forward to drinking lemon and cayenne pepper water or snacking on some yummy Styrofoam popcorn chips.   Seriously?  Who has time to weigh every single bit of food before a meal?

The mere mention of the word “diet” made me cringe. It felt as if I spent most of my life battling the scale.  I remember in the 90’s when the supermodel “waif” craze was in full swing and I actually thought I could get my 5 foot 8-inch frame down to a Kate Moss size of negative 1.  The best I could do was a 6.  I can tell you I will probably NEVER see that size again.

If I was going to undertake this massive task, then I was going to need all of the help that I could get. Since there is an app for everything, I decided to download a fitness app on to my phone.  How hard could it be?  I would just plug in my meals on a daily basis and the app would calculate calories and I could also log athletic activities as well.  What a win-win situation! 

Some of you out there might be wondering why I didn’t purchase a Fitbit.   Well, there is a very good reason for that. While I will agree, the Fitbit is lightweight and doubles as a watch in theory it sounds terrific.  However, I bought my husband 2 of them and after 90 days they ceased to function.  It was almost as if they had a built in “kill-switch” or something. Of course, trying to return them or get any kind of customer service to correct the problem is a mass undertaking that involves several time zones, a 24-hour flight and a whole lot of swearing on my part.  It just isn’t worth it.

The fitness app is way more convenient.  I installed the app, looked around at all the bells and whistles and was thoroughly impressed.  It had charts where I could see my progress, helpful articles with tons of advice on how to get washboard abs, thighs of steel and a booty that Beyoncé would drool over. Armed with these tools, I felt like I could kick some serious ass!

In order for any weight loss regimen to be successful, you have to be dedicated to accounting for EVERYTHING.  You have to log what you eat for every meal along with any cardio that you may have done throughout the day. Shortly after I started using the app on a regular basis I began to notice that the app was actually judging me!  Yes, you read that correctly. Now I know it is just a piece of software but it definitely let me know when it disapproved of my actions.

One day, it didn’t like what I had for breakfast so it screamed at me.  It told me that I needed more fiber. Really? A cup of oatmeal with fruit is not enough?  What do you want me to do, app?  Should I eat some tree bark or something? The fun was just beginning.

Not only was I having to get used to documenting every morsel of food in my world but I also had to make sure that I was burning the appropriate number of calories as well.  I understand the logic behind it.  However, if I am not on a treadmill every second of the day, or jumping about like a coke fiend, then my app will holler at me that I am FALLING BEHIND!  Falling behind what, app?  Am I training for the Olympics all of a sudden? I’m doing the best I can.  I am moving.  What more do you want? I have to be Usain Bolt now?

I am human.  I am going to make mistakes.  I am going to lack judgment at times.  My fitness app/wench is not so forgiving. This past week I decided to ease up a bit on the calories and just enjoy a meal.  Because I am superbly “trained,” I documented what I ate.  Holy amazing shitballs, Batman! You would have thought that the world was coming to an end!  Everywhere I looked, all I could see was blinking red! This was accompanied with the following warning. “NOT ON TARGET! YOU COULD EXERCISE MORE BY 200 CALORIES!”

Terrific!  It’s 9 PM.  I guess I could find a 24-hour gym to do a quick hell on wheels spin class.  Who am I kidding?  It’s 9 o’clock at night and I would much rather watch a movie then get all sweaty and gross.  Is it possible to break up with an Android phone? I hate to admit it but because the fitness app holds me accountable for my actions, good, bad, or indifferent, I am compelled to be active. Despite the fact that I feel as if I am being cross trained by Arnold Schwarzenegger, I feel better about myself and I am able to enjoy activities without feeling winded.  So at least for now, I will remain joined at the hip with this relentless fitness app of mine.

Hello, my name is Susan Leighton.  I wanted to introduce myself to all of you since Tim Clark, the CEO of Life Explained recruited me for the Deep Space Exploration project among other things. Tim, I have to hand it to you, what a sense of humor!  I really loved the fact that you had a car pick me up in the middle of the night. I thought it was kind of unusual especially when that convincing gentleman told me I needed to wear a blindfold but with the money you are paying me, who is going to complain? Or compare it to a kidnapping?  Not me!

Anyway, I am the SVP of the PRD. We here at LE love talking in acronyms.  It makes everything sound so much more important than it is, harder to decipher and mysterious!  As the SVP of the PRD, one of my tasks is to ensure that LE is adequately represented across every form of media imaginable and some that aren’t but Jesse Zahrt, our head of R&D insists he is working on. Come on, Jesse, Dr. Data cannot wait forever until you combine the algorithm from our microwave in the breakroom with the code of the Wii in our lounge.  Dr. Data assures me this will create the perfect hologram and as you know, holographic projections are on my list of new media frontiers to conquer so get to work!

I will be in charge of press releases for our upcoming deep space exploration project which means that I will be stuck explaining why things aren’t working. Oh, gosh!  I said that out loud, didn’t I? Damn! I have got to cut back on these Mimosas.  Looks like I am celebrating this new position way too much.  What I meant to say was that I will be the one who will field all the inevitable inquiries from the press, NASA, Ancient Aliens, Vladimir Putin, Hillary Clinton’s hairstylist, and the list goes on and on. Tim and Jesse are way too busy for that nonsense. Besides they need someone like me to take on those pundits so they can be free to do whatever it is they do.

One of my first orders of business will be to appoint a galactic/intergalactic ambassador. This will be very important as we set out to colonize the universe and eventually other galaxies. We will need someone who is experienced in dealing with the unknown.  Someone who is interested in seeking out strange new worlds and boldly going where no one has gone before and yada, yada, yada. Now I must mention that this position will be very prominent.  That being said our vetting process will be rather rigorous.

I have already begun taking applications. I had a very promising candidate, Jim Kirk from Iowa.  He had tons of experience but unfortunately when our sources here at LE started our confirmation investigation, there was a scandal that occurred several years ago at his last employer that involved him and a woman named Janice Rand. Unfortunately, we were not able to offer him the position.

I also received another promising resume from a D. Vader.  However, when I went to call his references, they turned out to be bogus.  I got tired of chasing down Mr. Palpatine who I am told has been retired for several years.

If you think you have the right stuff, by all means do not hesitate to send your resume to LE. We are an EOE. We also accept GED, BA, BFA, BS, MA, MFA, MS, and PhD’s.  Am I forgetting anything? Oh yes! We also abide by OSHA as well.  Like I said, don’t these acronyms sound official or officious?  I can’t decide.

Until next time, keep reaching for the stars. We will be. Sometime in the near future. Maybe 20 years from now or a century.  Who is keeping track?