Aging with the help of youth.

Recently, I read a story about a young child who was having recurring nightmares about a monster. It happened often  her parents thought it would be remedial to draw a picture of the beast haunting her sleep.  This is the result.

It struck me as an act of bravery, defiance.  I could almost picture the little girl, her face intense with concentration, steady hand defining arcs and lines, moving the shadowy and ill defined into her world, where it had to play by her rules, where she was in charge.

I have spent most of my life afraid of things. Spiders, snakes, bats, spiders that eat snakes and bats (why anyone would live in Australia is beyond my limited ability to understand) planes, boats, heights, I can’t remember the rest and can’t find the list right now.

But, the thing I have always feared the most is getting old. I have hidden behind things like “I don’t feel sixty,” (technically, I have six months until I pass that tombstone). I still hang onto relics of my youth, tie-die, big round eye glasses, hooded sweatshirts, Baja shirts, the Grateful Dead, Dylan, Credence Clearwater Revival. Man, I am old.

Recently, I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my knee. You would have thought it was terminal. I spent a whole weekend in self obsessed misery. I was shopping for canes, walkers, wheel chairs, online of course. I had started writing my eulogy, I can’t trust that with anybody else. Nobody can tell better lies about me than me.

But, it wasn’t the end. It was only a beginning, my physical therapy is going well. My knee feels much better, and when the orthopedic doctor said we could talk about knee replacement in a couple of months and I said “or a couple of years.” And he said, “or a couple of years.”

So, I owe that little girl a lot, she faced her fears, and I hope she overcame them. But, she taught me to stand up to mine, at least the one I couldn’t avoid. I’m still not getting on a plane or boat and heading down under, but I am aging with a little more grace, possibly.

Thursday, and there is so much to do.

Since it is Thursday it is time to start planning our weekend expedition.  Careful planning insures a successful fishing trip. People don't plan to fail, they fail to plan, after all. Starting with the all knowing, all seeing, all powerful fisherman's friend, the internet, it was a simple matter to find that the lake that seemed so barren so desolate, so lifeless last week actually has fish. It seems that fish are routinely taken out of the muddy, smelly water. Huh, go figure. But, according to the modern Oracle of Delphi, the world wide web, there is a great fishing spot less than a mile north of our last location.  Great.

Step 1, find a new spot, check.

Fishing is like riding a bicycle, you don't forget how, but it takes a while to get comfortable enough to ride in traffic. Fishing is like that, without the likelihood of being run over, or coasting into a tree. Thrill seekers, don't despair. If you are a little careless there is always the possibility of falling into the lake. Since it is fairly shallow by the shore drowning is probably not a concern, and since it is hundreds of miles from the ocean there are probably no sharks, but it is filthy lake water, teeming with bacteria, and industrial contaminants so there is enough risk to keep a daredevil happy.

Step 2, add some intrigue. check.

It is the wilderness, so wildlife is present. Bears, wolves, wild boars, monstrous constricting snakes, huge venomous spiders, none of those are present here in the environs of our medium sized city in the midwest. But, mosquitoes are awful things, and there are going to be some of them. Bees are always a possibility, so it is best to lather yourself up with some reeking, repulsive goo that even insects can't stand. We have some.  There are skunks, raccoons, and non venomous but still sneaky, and startling snakes and plenty of spiders. No matter how harmless a snake is finding one blocking your path to the car is always a nasty surprise. It is best to have a backup route to the car. Fortunately, it is not far, and there are several routes from the shore to the car.

Step 3, find convenient escape route, and check supply of insect repellent, check.

No fishing trip is complete without a supply of snacks.  A sad fact that dawned on me during our first fishing trip, which was last weekend. We had no snacks. Oh, sure we packed in some water, and a few cans of Dr. Pepper*

Step 4. Make a list of all the important list of important stuff for fishing. check.

Fishing is easy if you have a plan, and stick to the steps.

By the way, check out the new logo, it has a spider, and a scared person running in terror, which kind of explains life. If you love it, you should tell +S. Bradley Stoner , he suggested using a spider.  If you are not so crazy about it, don't worry, there are more logos coming down the pipe, or sluice or whatever the appropriate symbol for creative process would be.

Oh, and here is a still from the new movie "Revenge of the Life Explained Jedis Strike Back."**  Coming to a theater near you soon. Unless you are one of them there art snob types, in which case it will be coming to theatre near you soon.

*This is not an endorsement, I am not a paid spokesperson (but I am for sale, if you are interested Dr. Pepper, do you mind if I just call you Doc?) it is just difficult to know whether to use "pop" or "soda." "Soft drinks" just doesn't carry enough weight for a such a masculine, primal thing as a fishing trip into the wild.

** Actually, this is a selfie made with the new "Star Wars" app, Available on the iTunes App Store, and Google Play.  I will have a full review if I ever take the time to do anything except take some goofy looking pictures.  Really, though, isn't that enough.

An award, wow that's big time.

Many people may not realize this, and it may come as a shock to people who know me, but I have friends.  At least a few friends, online, but, and I have checked the rules, they do count.  One of my friends nominated me for an award, “the Beautiful Blogger Award.” and I have been working out, so it is not surprising.

The rules are simple;

Thank the person who nominated you.

Thank you, +Mike Raven  (a delightful blogger, and a good person).

Add the award logo to your blog.  I will do that, as soon as I figure out how.  I am lucky if I can add a post, but if I have to hire a consultant, or a programmer, to help me it will be on there.

 

Answer the questions, kindly see below.

Nominate three bloggers for the award.

I would like to nominate +Cynthia Breneman, from My Diary, her education is obvious, as is her love for numbers, but, I enjoy the insights and the keen intellect.  

Also, I would like to nominate Patrick Weseman from Adventures In Weseland.  A visual journal that always seems like a friendly trip to a different place, plus it makes me want to be a better photographer.

And, my last nominee is +Dog Brindle of Dog Brindle Barks. a man who tackles aging with the same vigor as ghosts, aliens and all things supernatural, his blog covers a lot of territory, very well, and is a lot of fun to read.

Ask ten questions that each of the recipients are obligated to answer.  Again, please see below.

1. What is your favourite time of year?

Vacation, of course.

2. What is your favourite place in the world?

Right now it is Estes Park, CO. But, it has been a long time since I have been there, so that may change after my next visit, I am a real flake.  A lot of people think it is a tourist town, but I love it.

3. What is your best memory?

When my children were born.

4. What are you wearing?

Gym shorts, flip flops and an Adidas t-shirt, my evening uniform.

5. When do you like to blog?

Morning, but I am trying to add other times of the day.  I am writing this at 10:00 at night, and it seems to be going well, no worse than normal, anyway.

6. What (if you have one) is your middle name - and do you like it?

Allen, and it was my dad’s name so I do like it.

7. What's your least favourite animal?

Spiders, snakes, bats, slugs, skunks, giant snakehead fish, tapeworms, leeches, ticks, anything venomous, or invasive, or carnivorous, I am not overly fond of cows, or horses, and one time while I was driving a turkey flew into my side mirror, knocking it off the car, so I am not crazy about them… the list is pretty long.

8. What REALLY annoys you?

Sometimes almost everything, sometimes almost nothing,

9. Favourite hot drink?

Coffee, it may be my favorite drink, except for beer, and bourbon, and sometimes wine.

10. Tell me one interesting fact about you that people might not know.

I am terrified of boats, at least when they are on the water, in a showroom they hold no power over me.

Here are the questions for my victims.

1. What songs makes you smile, and starts your foot tapping?

2. What book had the most profound effect on your life?

3. Do you enjoy Star Wars, Star Trek or The Lord of the Rings more?

4. What is your favorite card game?

5. If money was no object where would you go on vacation?

6. What sport did you play as a child?

7. Did you think the last episode of Lost was disappointing?

8. Are you left handed or right handed?

9. If you could travel in time only once and were guaranteed a safe return which way would you travel.

10. Preparing a meal can be rewarding, do you have one that makes you feel like a real chef?

Please accept my apologies.

Spiders, snakes, and a word of caution in the Black Hills

No trip to the Black Hills is complete without a visit to Reptile Gardens.  Well, that isn't exactly true, we have made a couple of trips here without stopping at Reptile Gardens, but it is fun, and since my cousin Mike (thank you, Mike) paid for admission, surprisingly reasonable, free in fact.  It is a fascinating place, and I am always glad to have gone.

Reptile Gardens is an odd oasis of exotic animals from around the world, displayed beautifully in a group of buildings just south of Rapid City.  There are giant tortoises, alligators, crocodiles, tarantulas, scorpions, and snakes, oh the snakes. There are hundreds of snakes.  Snakes from all over the world, each displayed in a carefully designed habitat, that mimics the natural environment of the snakes home country, I guess.  They could just throw some stuff in there and I would't know it didn't look like Southeast Asia, or the deep jungles of Africa.  This would be a good place to point out that according to the website Most of the animals at Reptile Gardens are from Zoo Trades, and not captured in the wild.

According to the brave, young man who performed the show with the snakes there is no sure way to tell if a snake is venomous without looking for a venom gland in the mouth of the snake or getting bit. Thank you, but no.  I will just assume that all of the snakes are deadly, venomous, and looking for me, with malice, and awful intent.  Wretched things, anyway.

After the snake show, it is a short, quick walk to the alligator/crocodile/caiman show. Where a strong, brave, slightly foolish young man will walk through an enclosure filled with alligators (I know there is a difference, and it has been explained to me, at the show several times, but for the sake of convenience and fewer keystrokes we will refer to them as gators).  Using humor, and what appears to be a suicidal pokes, and jabs with a stick he explains a little about the giant animals.  Ultimately, he "wrestles a gator."  He does this by leaping on it's back, and holding it in place, in what I am assuming is a practiced, and at least somewhat safe routine.

The chosen "gator" this time did not really want to be part of the show.  He kept trying to escape, and the poor man would have to pull him back.  While doing this the other "gators" would come stalking
up behind him. He would have to shoo them away, while holding onto the wrestling opponents tail.  It was easy to worry that the show was going to get a little too exciting.

But, the show came off without incident, and we were off to the main exhibit hall. This is where all of the snakes are displayed.  Their enclosures are marked with helpful signs, and interesting facts, "Venomous," or "Very Venomous."  I can't speak for anyone else, but when I walk up the an enclosure and the words "very venomous" are screaming at me, and there is nothing inside it makes me a little nervous.  Where is that damned thing? creeping up behind me? hanging on one of exposed beams overhead, getting ready to drop, bite me and ring down the curtain on the final act of my way too short, not nearly finished life?  Time to move on, quickly.

We all owe you, thanks for the tip

Sunday, a day of rest, a day to research, a day to get one step ahead of the game.  With that in mind, we smoked a brisket, and man was it hard to get it into the pipe.  Sorry, just a little backyard barbecue humor there.  It was very good, and we had time to sit, have a cold beer and study the graphic below.

This was forwarded to us, here at Life Explained, by long time friend, and huge fan of us, here at Life Explained, Gale.   A person who understands the dangers facing the world today, and has managed to uncover this foolproof chart to identify and deal with the various hazards of the modern world.

As becomes obvious, from an ever cursory glance, the world is a terrifying place, filled with eight legged tragedy, hiding under every chair, waiting behind every large appliance, scurrying, climbing, scaring the bejesus out of people, everywhere.

Recently, we, here at Life Explained, commissioned a sturdy that proved conclusively, spiders are the leading cause of death, since the dawn of time.  Oh sure, scientists try to tell you that we are it was a meteor, or a comet, or a giant Mother Ship, crashing into earth, or a volcano erupting, and kicking up a big cloud of dust, blocking out the sun, or something.  Yeah, right, what kind of fools do they take us for.   A big cloud of dust, killing a bunch of huge, indestructible lizards.  It is a shame they didn't have a friend(or the electronic means) to send them this handy chart, or we might be riding a Tyrannosaurus to work, and that would be cool.

Another Study Debunked, maybe

In an effort to save time and money, reduce waste, improve efficiency, and ease public concerns a group of arachnologists led by Dr. Richard Vetter, from the University of California, Riverside have embarked on a study to identify spiders that are often found in imported shipments. It is believed that this work (This Is No Time To Panic) will fill the "knowledge gap."

Citing incidents where lay people have mistakenly assumed these spiders were of "medical importance," and asked for verification before proceeding, the scientists are hoping to provide a means of identifying spiders that may be dangerous.  It is their belief that informed people will make wise decisions, people armed with knowledge will not panic.

They did not say exactly how they plan on dispersing this information.  One can only assume it will be in pamphlet form, or possibly a small booklet, or maybe even a smart phone app.  "Spiders, sometimes they won't kill you."

Workers unloading a boat filled with bananas will come across a behemoth spider, or possibly several, looking to all the world as though they might have been responsible for the extinction of the dinosaur.  Thinking quickly and rationally they will pull out their little study, comparing pictures of spiders with a similar appearance, and they will know right then and there what kind of spider they are dealing with.

And then they will flee in terror, because it is a huge spider, or several, and nobody cares what some crazy scientist (arachnologist) who was silly enough to actually decide to spend his or her life looking at these monstrous, evil, malevolent, sadistic things has to say.  It is a huge spider from the jungles of South America, and there is no way that thing is safe. "Look into me eyes (all six of them) and you will know despair."

If we are lucky they will set the boat on fire, or better still have the Air Force bomb the danged thing, we can still find a use for some of those decommissioned nuclear weapons, no point in letting them go to waste. 

And you know what else is troubling here?  Where in the heck is the border patrol in all of this mess?  And the coast guard, and the INS, shouldn't they be paying attention to the hordes of vicious, marauding, blood thirsty... 

Anyway, we, here at Life Explained, would like to thank the scientists involved in this study, they are a fearless bunch, and the world is a better place for people like that.

Lefty Pop, the worlds greatest website, and the worlds funniest people, and me.

Big news!  No, seriously big news.  My blog post about nature, and mankind, working together to make things even worse than they are already are was noticed, and published, on a nationally renown, respected, solemn, serious news site.  Okay, they didn't accidentally notice the post, I sent it to them, and they are probably not all that solemn, or serious, but they were smart enough to recognize my keen insight, tireless research, and unfailing reasoning, or they couldn't find anything better.

But, I don't care, they are fantastic people, with a fantastic website, and a marvelous sense of humor, and I think I love them, and so should you.

Stop at the site, and tell them how much you loved my post, it is your duty.

You will thank me later.

According to an article in the Los Angeles Times Australian scientists (Those Crazy Australians) compared the size of spiders who live in the city against spiders who live in the country, and found that the urban spiders were larger.

There are several potential reasons for this, the additional warmth generated by the concrete, and asphalt provides an ideal temperature for spider growth, or perhaps the condensed habitat has increases the availability of prey.  Further, they found that spiders living in wealthier neighborhoods were larger than the spiders living in less affluent areas.  Urban spiders are bigger, and socioeconomic factors can increase the effect.  

In fairness, the study was conducted on one species (the Golden Orb Weaver) sincethey are less nomadic, widespread, and they are much less intimidating, venomous, and hostile than the Sydney Funnel Web Spider. A fearsome beast many claim has the worlds most toxic venom, a nasty temperament (legend says it will cross the street against the light just to bite a person), and according to some reports has a bite that can pierce a toenail.  Dang, that would sting.  Who can blame them for avoiding that monster.

To sum, country spiders are big, city spiders are bigger, and snobby, upper-crust spiders bigger still.

In related news, as reported by the Huntington Herald Dispatch, (Dang, that is so big it could be from Australia) a Carolina Wolf Spider was found in the forests of southern Ohio.  According to the report this is the first reported sighting of the species in Ohio in six decades.  Also, according to the report, this spider is (and the words are quoted verbatim) "palm sized."  It does not specify whose palm is being used as reference, but the the potential is staggering.

Located in the center of Ohio is Columbus, a city with over 809,000 people, if you don't count the surrounding areas.  A city of some size, and with many areas, and suburbs with some wealth.  Since Columbus is conveniently located in the center of the state southern Ohio is not far at all.  Southern Ohio is much closer to Columbus than any point in either Carolina.  And, this is only a guess, but that may be the origin of the Great Carolina Wolf Spider Invasion, though this issue needs more research.  

Imagine what will happen if these palm sized spiders find their way up Route 33, using the Lancaster Bypass, and end up in Columbus, as previously noted a city of some size.  Or worse still, what if the take the exit onto 104, and merge onto I71 North, which turns into 315 North just west of downtown and use the Lane Avenue exit, and turn west, ending up in Upper Arlington (motto; We have a lot of money).  That spells catastrophe, my friend.

There is only one sane thing to do.  We need to blow up the bridges, and build a wall to separate the southern and central portions of the state.  It is for the best.

Fish, Explained.

Today we are going to examine some of the unique creatures that live in the oceans, lakes, ponds, rivers and streams of our world.  There is a certain peace in watching these delightful animals sail silently, seemingly without effort.  It is a wonderful group of diverse, well adapted animals who have evolved with the singular purpose of surviving underwater.  That fact alone makes them interesting, and unique.  Beyond that, though, there are so many traits that make them noteworthy, and worthy of their own blog post.

We will start with Electric Eel.  A totally unique fish, that can produce an electrical current, that is kind of cool, a little floating battery.  NPR said "a six foot electric eel was like a 6 inch fish attached to 5 1/2 foot cattle prod."  Maybe that isn't so cool.  Some estimates claim that this apex predator can generate up to 500 volts, which is used to stun prey, for self defense, and sometimes just to be a jerk.  Obviously, this animal will not make a good pet, and if you see one while swimming across a South American river you should swim a little faster, and pretend you are not edible, or interesting.

Let's move on to Sting Rays, shall we.  They look like huge dinner plates swimming, gliding peacefully.  It is a beautiful animal, majestic, serene, and gentle.  Wait a minute, what's this about a venomous spine.  Apparently this noble creature, sailing politely through the placid waters has "an arrow like barb, that pierces the venom sac, along with the skin of the victim and introduces a venomous slime!!! into the wound."  A venomous slime, that is a truly loathsome, despicable act.  What kind of animal would do that?!?!?!  Why would anybody even consider getting in a river with an animal capable of that atrocity?

And don't even ask about jellyfish, sharks or squid.

For your own well being it would be best to stay out of any body of water bigger than a swimming pool, and look carefully in the pool before you risk that.  It seems that everything that swims is lethal, whether it involves toxins, or razor sharp teeth, or long, uncountable tentacles, and is just waiting for a shot at some poor, unsuspecting human, willing to send them into the great unknown, and maybe have a little snack as well. When Coleridge wrote;

"He prayeth best who loveth best
All things both great and small;
For the dear God who loveth us
He made and loveth all.

he was not talking about fish!
                                                                                                                                                           
That concludes today's episode, don't forget to tune in tomorrow when will discuss spiders that eat fish.  Yes, fish eating spiders, turns out you are not safe anywhere.  (Don't forget to donate generously to Life Explained colonizes Mars, for a fish, and spider free future, it is our only hope.)                

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Hey, NASA, great idea, whose was it?

Charles Bolden, NASA chief, recently held a press conference announcing his plans to send a manned mission to mars.  He feels this is the only way to assure the continued existence of humanity. He did not detail his reasons for concern, and we are kind of grateful.  However, we are compiling a list of our own, "Life Explained Threats to the Continued Existence of Humanity, so far we have;

1-Humanity (we are researching an antidote for this affliction)
2-Spiders
3-Invasive Species (including spiders)

But that is not what we are here to talk about today.  We are here to discuss timing, and gratitude.  Readers will probably remember Life Explained advocating this very course of action.

See, we told you it was a good idea.

As is plain to see, either we have very good ideas, well ahead of everybody else, or we have a time machine.  Unfortunately, we are not allowed to disclose that information, contractual obligations, you know?  But, you can thank us later, or earlier, if you have a time machine.

It could be worse, but I don't know how.

In a very disturbing, fast breaking development, it has come to my attention there has been a remarkable lack of spider related news on the blog recently.  Certainly not because spiders have not been going out of the way to cause problems.  They are popping up everywhere, scaring the living bejesus out of people, and causing problems from the UK to the Outback.  Well, it might not actually be in the "Outback" proper, but it is in Australia, which is where they Outback is.

Recently, according to the Gympie Times, in Gympie Australia, (located where Mary Valley Road merges with Bruce Highway) redback spiders are becoming so numerous, they "are becoming a nuisance." See for your self.

A Queensland Health spokesman said in 2013 there were 83 snake and spider bites reported to local emergency departments, 42 of those were snake bites, and 41 were spider bites.  By contrast in 2012 there were 32 snake bites and 34 spider bites.

Obviously, the spiders are unhappy about losing the lead in the crucial "reported bites" score over the course of a year.  It is only natural they are seeking a competitive advantage.  But, it may be more than that.

Robert Raven claims that redback spiders can eat anything from a "mouse up to a snake."   To recap, these spiders eat snakes.  I don't know about you, but that to me is a very disturbing bit of knowledge.  The only thing worse is if they started carrying guns.

In essence, these spiders are not just going to be content with recording more bites, they have taken the latest setback personally and are out for revenge.  Which may spell big trouble for Australian snakes, and everybody else.

Wow, how did you do that?

Anybody who takes the time to look around, pay attention, understand, and acknowledge the mysteries and vagaries of life knows there is something not quite right.  Something a little bit unusual, something just a little strange, not completely bad, but not really good either.  There are obviously larger forces at work, surrounding us, manipulating things, making sure there is always something just a bit odd, almost everyday. After a while we learn to ignore the bizarre things, and pretend they are OK.

Our main purpose in starting this blog, and Explaining Life was to shine a light in the dark corners, unravel the great puzzle, reveal the hidden, explain the inexplicable.  So far we have not done very well.  Some of this stuff is pretty danged complicated, you know.  And everywhere we look there are spiders, and invasive species of fish, and snails, and snakes, and we need to caution people about those problems, too.

But, it seems we have strayed, and last night, at the Share Holders meeting, we heard, at great length, about our failures.  We were told about our need to offer reassurance, in dark, troubled times to the frightened masses, hiding underneath their desks, coffee cup, and flashlight in hand.  People who are afraid to step into the light, because it might signal an approaching space ship, filled with angry aliens, desperate for a new home (Earth) with a tasty, abundant food supply (us).   People who are worried that there might be a "face sized spider" (not for the squeamish, or anybody with a face) under the desk, right behind that awful drawer, that always caught on their pants, and was hard to open, and really served no purpose except for tearing fabric, and the concealment of large, predatory spiders!  Probably better to climb out and face the rapidly approaching, ravenous aliens.  Not that we would know anything about that.

Anyway, to help Explain Life we have begun work on a time travel machine.  It was not as difficult as you might think.  We found a place where the space time continuum was stretched a little thinner than normal, The Pukwana Triangle, in central South Dakota (home to the PukU bar and grill, if you are passing by stop in, have a beer, and say hello).  Then took some riding lawn mowers, removed the blades, and beefed up the engines.  When the atmospheric conditions were just right we sent them zipping around in a circle until they reached escape velocity, and bam they were gone.  Here is the video.

We are going to file a full report, as soon as we find out where they went, and what they are doing.  We think they ended up in the future, around 2035, somewhere around Sao Paulo.  As long as they are there we hope they do a little research the effects climate change has on the Brazilian Wandering Spider, (without bringing one back, of course) they are awful things.  Though, they could be anywhere, "anytime."  Hey time travel is tricky stuff, but we think you are worth the effort, and so are the shareholders, and the board of directors, and the person who signs our paychecks, especially them.

Five Stories may not be enough.

We have a friend that lives in Berlin.  She is a very nice person, and fearless in many ways, though a little crazy, at times.  It is a widely held opinion around headquarters that she moved to Berlin to learn German, (or find a decent beer) which is very brave, and a little crazy.  But, she feels that living in a fifth floor apartment, in a building with no elevator, will keep her safe from spiders.  Readers of this blog probably know better.

It has come to our attention that spiders are no longer content just walking, or crawling or climbing or whatever it is called when a spider decides to go somewhere else.  We will need to ask a spider scientist about the correct phrase, that is a scientist who studies spiders, not a scientist who is a spider, so don't get any ideas about ill timed practical jokes.

Here is a prime example from the Daily Star.  Dang, I am throwing away my backpack, unopened!  Remember, this is not for the squeamish, or the British, who have had several Arachnid related incidences in the last few years.  Now, they have Giant Huntsman spiders (though we have been told by our legal department that they much prefer being called Giant Huntsperson spiders) bringing their entire family and jetting to live in the UK.



Apparently, spiders are reaching new levels of sophistication when planning travel.  This, of course, spells big trouble for almost everybody, almost everywhere in the world, even the people who live in fifth floor apartments with no elevator.

Mankind has two choices, Space Colonization, or giving up hope.  Fortunately, we here at Life Explained are proceeding head long and with reckless abandon with our plans to open a residential development (along with a very exclusive retail district, including micro breweries, and fine dining) on Mars, or the Moon, we are not sure yet, whichever is less hospitable to spiders.  We are still looking for answers.

More Trouble, I'm Afraid

In a very disturbing development, covered by Phys.org, it has been discovered that spiders can hunt in packs, and are cooperative while hunting and feeding.  Please see below.

Can Things Get Any Worse from Phys.org

They live in groups of "80 or more" and "share resources" during mealtimes.  Exactly what resources are we talking about here?

"Hey, Ollie, pass me the bordeaux, would you?"

"No, I am keeping it for later."

"You know mom said we were supposed to share resources?"

"Oh, OK."

And what is even more troubling "unrelated individuals frequently join the the nest and 'forage' with the group."  Soon, we will be overrun with armies of unrelated spiders, hunting in packs, like jackals.  Ignoring convention, and law enforcement, taking what they want, destroying what they don't.

With that much cooperation it is only a matter of time before some poor person finds himself wrapped in a spider web straight jacket while a gang of arachnids sits around a card table, drinking bourbon, smoking cigars, and playing black jack for the juiciest bits.

"Dangit, I always get stuck with the forearms."

It is probably a good thing this never-ending winter has settled in, I am sure it will take them a while to figure out how to start a fire, and mass produce winter clothing, that is warm, yet light and flexible enough to hunt in.  But, when they do, I will be here to let you know about it.

Laissez Faire, or Authoritative Management Styles, Which is Better?

Yesterday, I posted about my decision to alter, or ratchet up, my managerial style, you can read about it here  (The New, Or Slightly Different Me.).  And a very bright, educated person who is studying, well I am not sure what she is studying, but it is very complex, (and she writes a wonderful blog about the experience, and manages to keep it simple enough that even I can understand the the posts, you can read, enjoy and follow it here http://cynthiabreneman.blogspot.com/) asked why, since I was such a unqualified success, and doing such a remarkable job of guiding my associates through the rigors of daily employment, biweekly pay periods, and the demands, benefits and hazards of the upcoming college basketball season, would I change my style?  I think that was the question, maybe not quite verbatim, but the sentiment was similar.

I can answer that question in three words, Cynthia.  Brazilian Wandering Spiders.

Recently, at the largest banana distribution facility in Brazil, the manager in charge of banana inspection, certification, classification, and venomous spider removal became a little complacent.  Oh sure, he made sure the inspector, the certifier, and the classifier were on the job, and doing well, but, he stopped for a little Brazilian coffee (which is supposed to be very tasty, by the way), and thought it would be a decent thing to bring a cup for all of his employees.

While he was enjoying a cup of the delicious, dark, tasty coffee with his employees, including the venomous spider remover, a whole shipment of bananas left the building, bound for the UK crawling with Brazilian Wandering Spiders.  They were recently spotted on bunches of bananas in London supermarkets.

Brazilian Wandering Spiders are considered to be the most venomous spider in the world.  But, according to the "Mirror" out of 1,000 bites only 10 will be fatal, which is extremely good news for 990 bite victims.  They are very aggressive, and as the name suggests do not build webs, preferring to walk around looking for trouble.  And, as is so often the case with wandering troublemakers, they are nocturnal, and rest during the day.  Which makes it very difficult for them to find meaningful employment.  So, the cycle perpetuates, sleep all day, walk around, causing problems at night.

You see, Cynthia, this is the price a manager pays for trying to be a "good guy, trying to "ease up" a little.  One day people are calling in because they "feel too good to work" and the next Great Britain is being evacuated because of the invasion of Brazilian Wandering Spiders.  Though, the spiders are asking to be referred to as British Wandering Spiders, thinking it sounds much nicer, and is more accurate.  Arachnologists are undecided about the name change.

This is not going to happen on my watch.

Disturbing News From The UK.

In what has become a remarkably repetitive story line there is more terrible Arachnid news from Great Britain.  According to the Time Magazine Facebook page, an "invasion" of venomous spiders caused a school to close for a day.  That's right, venomous spiders are invading a school in England!

It has been coming for a long time.  We here at Life Explained warned you here, We told you  and here, Again, we told you, but people like to go through life with blinders on, hearing what they want to hear.  Not that blinders affect what you hear, but people who only see what they want to see, are not too keen on listening to bad...  Well you know what we mean.

Apparently people are not going to be happy until the entire Island Nation is overrun with the terrifying creatures.  We would look into this possibly fatal (if you only read the first two paragraphs, or extremely painful if you read the last paragraph) infestation ourselves, but we hate flying, and spiders, so flying to see spiders is probably not going to happen.  But, we will keep an eye on our Facebook feed and let you know when it is safe to come out of the refrigerator.  Spiders hate cold, you know?

Not to scale

You can see it here.  http://newsfeed.time.com/2013/10/23/hey-the-new-kid-is-kind-of-cute-wait-thats-a-venomous-spider/

Alarming News.

This just in;  It seems, due to the cut backs caused by sequestration, and the furloughs generously provided by the good folks in Washington DC (suggested motto, "Cooperation, compromise, sure as soon as I get my way") a top secret, military laboratory, somewhere in Southern California was being guarded by the hope that people were really honest, deep down inside.  Maybe, maybe not, but it is obvious that "Huge Alien Spiders" are not, as exposed in the new documentary "Big Ass  Spider" soon to be released, to a fearful nation.

This little fellow here busted out, at the first opportunity, and laid waste to Los Angeles, which has had it's share of problems ever since the Rams left for Kansas City, and the Raiders left for Oakland, even though the Raiders left Oakland to come to Los Angeles in the first place, so leaving and going to Oakland is kind of a misrepresentation of the facts, really, they were just kind of visiting, almost a probationary thing.  And who can blame them for wanting to go, considering the the enormous alien spider keeping, top secret, military laboratories in the area.  Not exactly a source of civic pride.





Then, there is the awful Los Angeles traffic, which is not improved by the addition of a gargantuan Spider.  We don't know the traffic laws that prevailed on the spider's home world, but it is obvious he is not the most courteous commuter.  Smashing cars, and knocking over buildings clearly contributes to gridlock.  According to Art Shell, who coached the Raiders for most of their time in Los Angeles, "man driving through that town and avoiding a Giant Alien Spider would just be awful.  I'm glad we left when we did.  Darn government shutdown anyway.  Of course, if it ate a few of those skateboarders, that wouldn't be so bad, they were everywhere."

Week three of the shutdown, and it is easy to see the geometric progression of the problems, elected officials pointing fingers and talking endlessly on television, pundits explaining who is "impacted" by the shut down, interviews, endless commentary, decreased services for the electorate, and giant spiders ravaging metropolitan areas.  A congressional insider who requested anonymity told Life Explained "these kinds of problems are not limited to the City of Angels, either.  There are politicians everywhere, you poor, unfortunates."

   

Behind the scenes, and the people.

Many people have expressed great interest in the working conditions at our top secret location, nestled deep in the heart of the Midwest, depending, of course on your geographic sensibilities.  To some, this would be the East, to others it would be the North, to some it would be a great place to drive through on your way to a nice vacation.  Our freeways are top notch here, and you can zoom right by, or through, in a variety of ways.  

That is not what we are going to report on today, (but, if you need directions to Louisville, let us know).  We are going to show you around our top secret facility.  Oh, don't act so surprised.  We share lots of important stuff with you guys all of the time.  

We know, unfettered access like this may expose us to our enemies, mainly spiders, but we are willing to take that risk.

We will start at the bottom and work our way up.  Since there are so many top secrets things going on around here, and we know how difficult it is for you to keep a secret, we can only show you what people would see while they were working if they had eyes in the back of their heads.

Here is a picture of what the shipping guy would see if he had eyes in the back of his head, or woke up and turned around.  As you can see, he is set if he needs an  extra box, or postal bin.  Plus, he is safe from gunfire, as long as the assailant is less than 3 feet tall.  Which is important when you consider how many short people jokes he tells.  Like the one.  "What did the short guy say to the bartender?  Who cares, he's short."

This is the view, from the back of the facility manager's head.  It is a changing tableau of tape, boxes, product, carts.  It is actually a little intimidating, good thing he hardly ever turns around.  His focus is squarely on the future, a very good trait for a facilities manager.  Plus, he is constantly scouring the online world for new things a decent facility might need, like another motorcycle.  Or a three dimensional printer, which would be cool.  Go Facilities Manager, Go!

Here we have the view behind our assistant manager in charge of assistance.  His view is clear down at the other end of the building, so we are not sure if he is still alive or not.  Maybe we should email him, or walk down there and see.  I'll just email.  Note to self, ask for a golf cart.

 If our tech guy would turn around this is what he would see, but he is kind of busy.  He has the company record at Angry Birds, Top Secret Facilities addition, and has no plans on relinquishing his title.  Even if he has to sabotage a few a network connection or two.  So if your computer quits working you will know why.




There are three people in our customer service department.  They are wonderful people, unique, delightful, and charming.  Plus, they have fantastic areas behind them.  It is a little sad to think that no one can remember their names.  In fact we just call them Tweedle One, Tweedle Two and Tweedle Three.  That is only a joke, we know and love them all.  Especially... uh... um... you know the one one, she sits kind of in the middle, you know, wears glasses, drives a car, what is her name again?  It is right there, I can almost hear it.

Behind our accounting department is this gem.  You might wander how an organization as large and important as Life Explained can get by with an accounting department of 1.  Simple, a lot of our accounting is done in off shore banks that are not as fussy about "regulations," "tax codes, "laws" and "jail time." Of course, that is only a little accounting humor.   We are law abiding, regulation loving tax payers.  At least until our 501 3c exemption comes through.





Last, and certainly not least, the back of the Big Kahuna.   Clearly, she has a huge fan club, a hard core group of fanatical enthusiasts who watch her every move, waiting with joyful anticipation of her next move.  It is easy to understand.  She is a ten fingered typist, and sometimes hits 100,000 words per minute.  Her computer has been seen begging for mercy.  And the crowd behind her will give the "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" depending on the mood.

Where have all the heroes gone?

This just in, British chemist (and owner of a pretty cool blog, located at http://www.t2ah.com/) thinks that Spiderman, the movie may not be grounded in reality.  And people say you can't learn anything of the internet.  Don't worry, if you don't understand the math, he is a chemist, so it must be correct.  Check it out here.

http://www.t2ah.com/2013/01/spidermans-breakfast-and-physics-of.html 

Seriously, though, he has some cool stuff, but watch out. you might end up learning something.   Oh, and don't forget to check the comments at the end, scientists need to work a little on "talking smack."  I am thinking of starting a class, "talking trash for geeks, nerds and the learned."  

Please forgive the spider post, but give me some credit, this one is different.  
And for today's homework,

Another Good Reason To Vacation in Louisville

Oh my, how peaceful.

It isn't often you get to see an Australian farm field blanketed in a chilling frost, or snow.  It is rare scene when you can think "Australia, man that place is cool."  A peaceful, scene that would make John Audubon smile, and ask for a cup of hot coffee, a visage of pristine, unspoiled beauty.  Sadly this is not one of those times.

OMG, WTF!!!

This is a scene from your worst, Australian nightmare, 1000's of "Wolf Spiders" (of course, WOLF Spiders, what did you expect, "Poodle Spiders?") running away from a flood, and all of the man eating Crocodiles and other dangerous, marine creatures (please see stonefish, box jelly fish, blue ringed octopus and even the cute, yet odd looking platypus will stick you enough venom to make you wish you had never heard of the Land Down Under), not too mention the possibility of drowning.  Though, in Australia that may be the best thing a person can hope for.

According to the National Post;

"The Australian Museum’s entomology collections manager Graham Milledge said the spiders’ behavior was known as ballooning, and was typical after spiders are forced to flee from floods.

“They often do it as a way of dispersing and getting into a new area,” Milledge told the news.com.au website. “In an event like this, they are just trying to escape the floods.”

Sydney’s Taronga Zoo said Australia’s spider population has boomed in the wet weather"

Honestly, Australia is a big place, with a lot of wide open spaces, hundreds and hundreds of miles without anything or anyone, and they decide to stop at this guys house and set up shop.  Why?  Maybe they are just jerks.  Maybe, Australian creatures think they own the place.  Perhaps they just think it is a lovely place with a wonderful view.

Remember, when planning your next trip to Australia don't go during rainy seasons, and whatever you do don't go visit this guy.

Brought to you by the Australian Ministry of Tourism.