Friday

It was tough, but we made it, the weekend is nigh, and Friday, glorious Friday has come to shower us with love, affection, and joy.  It was never a given this week that we would make it through.  It started terribly.

All research indicates it started with a Monday.  Cold, cruel, calculating, it waited in ambush five days ago.  The alarm, cursed thing, went off, and the morning proceeded without incident, until I stepped outside and there it was, Monday, leaping from behind the evergreen shrub, vicious, remorseless, and ready to battle, a fight to the end.

All day we grappled, until finally we were both exhausted, and sat, silent, spent, barely able to lift our beers.  Then, sometime between evening and morning, Monday ran off, like a thief in the night.  But, not before sending in replacements.

Looking back, it seems like it was Tuesday next.  And an awful Tuesday it was, filled with pain, and work, toil, and suffering.  Monday is like an ogre, attempting to club a person into submission.  Tuesday is like hordes of gremlins, fighting a guerrilla war against sanity, reason, and particularly happiness.  Left, right, backwards, forwards, everywhere a person turns, there is Tuesday, with another volley, an email, "I know your busy, but,..."  But what?  "But, you should drop everything you are trying to accomplish and do this for me, that would make me happy."

Another phone call, "hey, when will this be finished, it is very important," Another page over the loudspeaker, "There is a delivery, a visitor, and someone to look at the gas pipes, in the basement, behind all of the spiders webs, and under the hanging bats, they think there is a leak."  A new text message, or frantic shout from across the room.  "Hey, can you come down here and take a look at my phone?  It is unplugged, and I am too busy to fix it!"  At the end, we were both still standing, Tuesday and I, as long as there was something around to lean on and a bottle of bourbon to share.

No one around here is certain, but it might have been a Wednesday that came next.  It was such a shy little thing, with a demur, hopeful smile and kind eyes.  It patted us all on the back and brought "fun size" candy bars to pass around.  It was not a bad day, could have been better, but the bruises were starting to heal.

Bil, my co-worker, swears it was a Thursday that came next.  It was a tempest in a teapot day. There was trouble brewing, an ill wind that sputtered and died. At times things looked like they could go bad, but in the end we all lived, more or less unscathed. No damage done.

But, today is Friday, all the proof anyone needs in divine intervention.  A day that brings a close to a five day stretch of agony.

Weekends, coffee and the beast within.

Today is Friday. It is kind of a big deal to me. Though, most days my job is so easy and I like it so much the only real difference is the alarm clock and the coffee maker. Even when I wake up early on the weekend, a disturbing event that happens with increasing regularity, it isn't to the braying, intrusive sound of the alarm clock. And I have more choices in coffee. It makes for a pleasant start to a day.

Neither are without danger, though. Right now, for example, I am being stalked by a wild animal. Oh, he is a wily one, that one.

One time, without warning, he took the cookie right out our shipping guy's hand. Unless you count the jumping, and bouncing and attempting to grab the cookie out of his hand as a warning.

Occasionally, without provocation he will just get up and move to a spot of the floor where the sun's rays are shining through, spreading warmth, and a feeling of well being. You really have to be on your toes.  It's a jungle around here.

And if you are a cardboard box you might as well not make any plans for the future.

So, today is my kind of day. Tomorrow is my kind of day, too. Both of them come complete with my kind of coffee, because I am not really all that fussy. About my days,or my coffee.

Friday, not without its own demands.

Friday, the most glorious day, the reward for lasting through the week. Of all the days this has to be number two, following only Saturday in joyfulness.  But, it is not without it's dark secrets, too. Don't be fooled by the approaching bliss of two days of freedom, Friday has demands, and they are not negotiable.

Friday starts with an that most foul demon child of technology an alarm clock. Oh, the agony this device has caused in my life, the dreams it has destroyed, the indescribable suffering provided by this loathsome little devil, intractable, and unrelenting, is too painful to contemplate. It is no way for a polite, civilized people, like us, to start a day.

Further, it is so delightfully close to the weekend, but it is still the work week. And employers still, in all their self righteous, check writing, responsibility delegating dictatorial manifest obsession with productivity, expect you to do something. There are liable to be limits on the celebration, rules, dress codes, guides of conduct and behavior, to be followed in minute attention to detail.

Traffic is probably more dangerous on Friday. With the trauma of a weeks frustration and anger weighing heavy on commuters they are hell bent to get to work, a little early, so they can leave work,
a little early. Of course they are not willing to leave home a little early for the privilege. They are willing to drive faster, cut closer, risk theirs and others lives, for a few minutes of early weekend bliss. So, be careful, as bad as it was getting to work, it will be homicidal getting home.

But, hey, it is Friday, and that is good enough for me. I am going to talk to Bil for a while, and get some coffee, then microwave a burrito, and grab a bottle of water, and stop in and see how John is doing, and then maybe go to lunch, and check up on Steve, Brian, and Shirley. After a full day like that I may cut out a bit early. I am tired, but it is a good sort of tired.

New Attendance Policy Involving Attendance #FixThePlus

We, here at Life Explained, would like to point out Thursday has become the day of reckoning.  No longer will the staff be allowed to coast through the day, waiting as close as possible to the doors to dart out in anticipation of what has become lovingly known as Work From Home Friday.

Every Thursday employees will be required to provide their supervisor evidence of some sort of productivity for the week. This can be in the form of documents produced, spreadsheets constructed, scientific breakthroughs, or the performance of cooking, cleaning or organization of some type.

Initially we planned to have it signed in blood, but OSHA deep sixed that, and we had several managers faint, which led to some very amusing Instagram posts involving sharpies and "temporary" facial tattoos. Ink (on paper) will be sufficient.

Please prepare your documentation prior to your appointment, and remember performance art does not count toward your weekly quota.

Thank you, have a nice weekend, we will see you Monday.

A quick trip back in time, sort of.

Since it is Friday and nobody wants to spend a lot of time reading, or watching a video, or thinking about anything important, particularly if it seems like the whole world has the day off except the loyal hard working scientists, engineers and research associates here at Life Explained Ohio, we present to you the Columbus Auto Show in 53 (approximately) seconds. Plus a picture of a very macho truck.

Friday, Do I Need To Say Anything More?

Today is a joyous day, and I am singing the praises of Friday to the heavens. For one thing it is Friday, and that is hard to beat. This morning the coffee is so good it is almost unbelievable.

Recently my gym closed to move and expand. It was part of the local YMCA. It was small, and lightly equipped, but it was free. It was a benefit of being of my wife's job, and I was pretty happy there.

Since they moved, and expanded spouses are no longer allowed to use it for free, so I had to join the YMCA. Last night we went over and joined. It is huge, filled with weights, and machines and all of those devices that show up so frequently in the Health Whacko. It used to make me think, I need to join a better gym, (when I wasn't seething with envy) now I have. Plus I get three free sessions with a personal trainer. Pictures will come later.

Also, I have a smart watch. Well, it is not really smart, but it tells me the time, month, day and date, and it has a few functions that defy explanation, So, it might be smarter than me. Plus, it is attractive, functional and durable, so that makes it pretty smart for a guy who is hard on watches. Moreover, it is very complimentary, and that is a better than email, or text messages.


And, if that weren't enough, on my way to work this morning, I got stuck in the slow lane. It was rainy, and all the lanes were slow, so it was expected. But, my phone sensed the tension in the car, and played a lot of very appropriate songs.







Here is one of the choices.

To recap, a new gym, hot coffee, a very polite watch, and good music. Fridays are a great way to start the weekend.

Party Night. Karaoke Contest.

We, here at Life Explained, have been very busy, it is our holiday rush. The Joint Chiefs, and all of the generals, and admirals, and advisers are always in a rush to get their little weapon systems, and improved ordinances, in time for Christmas morning. Nothing says Merry Christmas like an autonomous air to surface missile with surgical accuracy and 98% kill classification. Imagine the joy.

Since it is Friday, we decided to let our hair down a little bit, which is funny because so many of us are so bald we look as if we have been exposed to dangerous levels of radiation... Hey, one of you guys run down and check the shielding on the reactor, please.

Anyhoo, we are going to really cut loose tonight. We are ordering pizza, soda pop, candy bars and a karaoke machine!


We are going to have a big competition to see who is the best singer. No voice enhancement allowed. And certainly no mind control machines. We learned our lesson last Saint Patrick's Day, when Bob, from R and D wanted to win the best costume, and used an ad-hoc thought control device and everybody went shrieking from the kitchen. No one is sure whether they thought they saw snakes, or were snakes. It was an ugly day in the history of the company.

On the plus side we sold the device to a third world despot for a small fortune. He didn't realize it was not directional, and he ran all the way to the War Crimes Court in the Hague, and we collected a big fat reward. Since we fired Bob for scaring the be-jesus out of his coworkers he didn't even get a cut. But, he did win best costume, a gift card to the company commissary. Of course, since he was canned he never got the chance to use it.

Now, rumor has it that Bob has hired legal council to reclaim his lost $25.00 gift card. Bob was always kind of a jerk.

That is the past, and we don't like to dwell on the past (you hear that, Bob, you bastard?). Tonight is a celebration, bring your golden voices and your dancing boots, we are throwing down tonight.

Good News, Logistics Just Got Easier.

Today is a big day, here at Life Explained.  It is Friday, there is some power in that.  Plus, we are almost finished with our Matter Movement and Reintegration Process (MMARP).  It will revolutionize logistics, food service, and air travel.

We started small, just sending a donut and coffee from the kitchen to the secret laboratory in the basement, the one behind the dinosaur skeleton, not the one under the foosball table.  It worked out great, especially so if you enjoy dunking your donut in your coffee, well kind of through your coffee.  And if you don't mind the taste of styrofoam (really just the barest hint of a taste, more of an aroma of styrofoam, really) with your donut. These are pretty small things when the future is being discussed, and hey a donut is a donut.

Imagine the day when you will be able to order something on line, and have it appear on the desk, next to your keyboard.  Provided your coffee, and donut, are not sitting next to your keyboard.  You might want to ask for the "deliver to a place that is not occupied with scalding liquid, and delightful fried bread" option.  It is a little more expensive, but if you like coffee, and donuts, and don't care for being burned it is worth the investment.

It is a relatively green technology, requiring very little energy.  In fact our prototype runs off electricity generated by the windmill in the conference room. That was the greatest idea we have had in a long time.

Next week we are sending someone to the Moon, or at least to the deli for some sandwiches.  Any volunteers?  We will pay for the sandwich, and, if necessary, the reconstructive surgery, at least part of it.

Friday, Explained

Today is Friday, a day many feel embodies the noble spirit of mankind.  A day many feel the paragon of the virtues of humanity.  A day many feel shows the ultimate evolution of the race.  Lofty ideals no doubt, but Life Explained needs proof.  Sending the finest vocational anthropologists available into a medium sized company, in a moderately sized city, in a region often used to test market food and drink products before national release seemed like a good way to test "The Theory of the Friday Pinnacle."

Walking carefully down the drab, brown halls of the work place, our steps almost silent on the low pile, tan carpet, (a color whose only purpose is to hide stains and wear, tragically, this is accomplished by making the whole thing look worn and dirty) Monday morning at 10:47.  A tomb like silence was broken only by muffled curses, and soft weeping.  People dashed into offices, meeting rooms, bathrooms, closets, slamming the doors, diving under desks, just to avoid conversation.   Eye contact was avoided, not only with the scientists but with the other members of the office tribe.

Fear, and trepidation were palpable.  Obviously, this was a society in decline, once proud, and profitable, you could tell by the smart phones, and tablets abandoned in terror, as individual tribe members would smash through a glass wall, dive under a wood grain conference table, and cower in abject fear.  Suffering visibly, the scene was almost over powering.  Work was not getting done at all, ringing phones went unanswered as these poor souls, squatted, half hidden behind the wax plants scattered conveniently around the building.  All of the windows were covered, blinds, or curtains closed tightly against the antiseptic sunshine and warmth.  It was a tragic scene.

Tuesday, bought the glimmer of a smile, the spark of acceptance, with the braver members of the tribe actually peaking out from the bathroom stalls.  Rushing up to touch the researchers, and running, quickly away, a sound, perhaps a guttural giggling, could be heard as they rushed away.   Work was, for the most part, ignored, as boundaries were tested, and tribe members were striving for dominance.  Mostly using games of skill, involving expense reports, or purchase orders, wadded into tight, almost symmetrical balls, heaved at distant waste baskets.  Winners took the chairs with the nicest casters, wheeling themselves down the hall, just out of reach of the research team's scientific equipment.

Wednesday, the change was significant.  With the indigenous people gathering, in small groups of trusted friends at the coffee maker, microwave, or refrigerator.  Darting eyes were proof that the tragedy of Monday's alarm clock was not forgotten.  Work was largely left for later, the new found freedom was intoxicating.   Monday is still remembered, but the nature of the ecosystem has changed.  Boisterous, if embarrassed  laughter rings down the halls, echoing down hallways, and off cubicle walls.

By Friday things start looking like a tailgate party.  Tribe members were actually lighting fires under the feeder tray of the fax machine to grill brats and burgers.  There seemed to be an unwritten rule about the cooking of fish, and whispered tales of the terrible death, and dismemberment of a poor fool who had tried to blacken tuna steaks.  Of course, no work was done, and the celebrants were dancing a tribal dance down the central hallway.  A line of happy, joyful people, ignoring phone calls, and emails, intent on making the most of the moment, and plans for the coming weekend.  Electricity filled the air, the tyranny of week days were almost at an end, and the tribe was "bustin' a move."

It was a sight to be remembered, smiling, laughing people, in a long line weaving in time through the building, in one door, out the next, texting, emailing plans, "meet me at Phil's House o' Burgers for a beer," without losing their place in line.  Distant drums pounding time, a hypnotic beat driving a mesmerizing scene.

And, we have the weekend, two days of liberation,  But, following that, Monday.  But, Friday is coming, hold on to that thought.

A brief update.

We, here at Life Explained, have been very busy.  So busy, in fact, that, when typing emails I have not had time to use punctuation.  Don't worry though, I end every email with the disclaimer "sorrybutiamsobusyidonthavetimetousepunctuationspacingorcapitalization."  That keeps the Grammar Geeks at bay.  Of course, it takes a long time to type all of that out at the end of each email, so there may not be much time saved.  After an intensive time management study we should have some answers to that pressing question, stay tuned.

It is no secret Friday is everybodies favorite day, here at Life Explained.  But, this is a particularly good Friday.  My wife gave me a coupon for a free dark roast coffee at Dunkin Donuts, that's right, free!  And it was great, that's right, Great!  I saved $1.70 (count 'em one hundred and seventy)!  Plus, when I got out of the car there was a nickel laying there, heads up (long time friend, Ryan, explained that if you find a coin laying heads down you had to turn it over so it is heads up, then it would be safe to pocket, that sounds reasonable to us, but I was saved all of that extra labor, this one was already heads up).  That makes for a tidy profit of $1.75 today (count 'em one hundred and seventy five large, or at least medium).

As if that were not enough (to recap, Friday, and a tidy profit of $1.75, before I even got to work) when I started the car this song was playing.  One of my favorite rock and roll songs of all time.  It makes want to tell "fat Jack to jump back and give me a shot of some booze"

Plus, we have officially launched the New Life Explained Greeting Card Division, suitable for any occasion.  Order yours now, before everybody, everywhere already has one.  That would be so embarrassing.

Front of Card

Inside of Card

Remember "Vote For Dr. Dawg, it is your only hope."

Friday, at Long Last

There is no math advanced enough, no savant keen enough, no super computer super enough to calculate the amount of time it takes to shut off the alarm clock, crawl out of bed, stagger down the hall, answer nature's call, splash some water on your weary, still sleeping face, stumble into the kitchen, pour a cup of coffee, slump into a chair and sit, lifeless, in the netherworld between life and death sipping the dark elixir hoping you can survive the day, somehow.

An odd transmogrification happens somewhere between half and three quarters of a cup.  Blood starts flowing to the heart, and the brain.  Cognitive reception begins to return, and the darkness that was creeping towards the chair, predator like, wanes, slinking back to the tomb from which it sprang.

Soon, you notice the television is on, there are people talking, it is Mike Davis, the 10TV meteorologist, talking about the impending flow of cool, dry air just in time for the weekend, Hey, it's Friday, that is great news.

Wait, what is that noise, it is whistling, or humming, or maybe an off key rendition of "Beauty in the River," by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils,

"We must all stand in the water,
We must find it when we roam
It don't matter what is said
We can wake up from the dead
And roll away the stone"

And it is coming from inside the house, in fact it is coming from you, and you are tapping your foot, and drumming the butter knife on the counter as you are fixing lunch, and you are even adding the "hallelujah" and the "Lord, Lord," at the end of the final chorus.

Dancing out the door, a thought pops into your head, there is a meeting at work, and they are bringing pastries, and sweets, and the sun smiles down, and you know it is thinking, "have a nice day."  Hey, you should stop and buy a lottery ticket on the way home.

Buyer Beware, the language of coffee.

Last night my wife gave me a Starbucks gift card.  This made me very happy, because there is a delightful little game we play at Starbucks when I stop in to buy coffee. 

“I would like a medium coffee, black, please.”   I say with a touch of a smile lighting my face.

“You want a Grande, Bold, no room for cream.”  They offer, a little anger pretending to foam from their mouth.

I look thoughtfully at the counter person, and pretend to think about their offer, earnestly, sincerely.  And say, “that sounds great, but this morning, I will just stick with a medium coffee, black.  Thank you, though.”

At this point the person at the cash register feigns disgust, and says “that is what a Grande, Bold is” and acts a little angry.

“Great, thank you so much.”  I say politely, with all of the gratitude only Friday can give.

This morning was even better, because I had an old gift card with a balance, and Starbucks hates to share the balance with the owner of the card, it is their little secret.  And there was only 10¢ on the card.  She really pretended to be upset by this.  “There is only TEN CENTS on this card, you still OWE ME!!!!” 

“I have this one, and it is brand new.”   I tried to remove it from the cardboard display, and she was not going to wait around for that sort of nonsense.

"I can do it with that still on."  She pretended to whisper "damn you."  I pretended not to hear.

She finishes the transaction and says “here is your coffee, have a nice day, jerk.”

I love Friday at Starbucks.  It feels like home.  But I have teenagers living there.