A new chapter in the Life Explained story

In the Fifties the United States government built a small facility on a remote mountain top in New Mexico. It is a desolate, isolated, rock covered elevation, removed from humanity by desert, distance and local tales of the ghosts of Spanish adventurers, Comanche Indians and gold prospectors.
 
On top of this lonely rock, in the middle of nowhere they constructed a small building approximately 100 feet long and 35 feet wide. The grey, unadorned walls almost blend in with the surroundings. As do the huge electrical conduits that appear almost magically out of the ground at the base and snake up the side following the path of least resistance. Clearly, whatever is housed in the small shed consumes a lot of power.
 
The few brave souls that have climbed high enough to see what was up there were turned back by the 15 feet high electrified fence. Topped with razor wire and reinforced with steel columns. If the visitor loitered too long a heavily armed, hostile soldier would come from the facility asking them to leave. A helicopter would appear and follow them down the mountain.
 
Inside the small, bland, almost invisible structure sat three technicians. They were responsible for attempting to contact a life form on a distant planet, at the far reaches of the galaxy. The laws of physics and mathematics had proven the existence of a planet, almost a mirror image of Earth, inhabited by an intelligent life form.
 
It was, the government felt at the time, imperative we establish relationships with the beings “before Ivan could.” Some things never change. But, as the years went by, the likelihood of communicating with the far planet seemed to diminish with each administration until it was decided to “quit throwing good money after bad” and put the facility on the auction block.
 
That is where we come in. Welcome to the new Life Explained Isolated New Mexico Deep Space Radio Operation. Man, we got that place for a song.
 
It is the first step in our Space Colonization Program. We always wondered how to track our
exploratory ships, the constant stream of supplies, the mining and building operations, and the possibility of finding other life forms. Now thanks to the government we can do all that, and maybe meet a few New Mexican desert ghosts.

If you are interested in a rotating shift at the facility send your resume Dr. Dawg. Include a cover letter describing what you would do if you actually met a ghost, and your favorite brand of frozen burrito.

A Tunnel, and A Mystery.

Recently we were on vacation. We went to Holden Beach NC. A delightful little village right on the ocean. It is wonderful, or would be if it weren't for the heat, and humidity. And the ocean, which would be wonderful, if it weren't for all the salt, and predators, and sand. I am still covered with the stuff. Four days, and I can still feel the sand when I blink, grinding away. I know it got into my system and is eroding my joints with each step. Every drink of coffee and my elbows get weaker. It is pervasive, and permanent.

But, that isn't even the weird part. Here is the weird part, if you are keeping score. On the way back we were on Interstate 77 cruising through Virginia, A lovely state about halfway between Columbus and Holden Beach, if you are scoring the trip at home. And we hit a traffic jam. Two lanes of freeway, packed full of cars going 20 miles an hour.

Why, in the middle of this mountainous, forested area, was traffic so heavy? It was perplexing, and a little frustrating to a person baked red by the fierce North Carolina sun, and dripping sand with each movement. We limped along, stop and go, and stop some more.

And if you think that is strange, and I did, here is where it gets really odd. We hit a the Big Walker Mountain Tunnel carved out of the bottom of a big hill, or mountain, I am not sure where the line divides. We cruise through the long tunnel. Splashing out into the sunlight on the other end.

Here is where it gets strange. Traffic is light, and we speed along. What happened under that mountain that changed reality so much? What happened to almost half the cars that went into that tunnel? Where did they go?

It might be aliens, in Virginia, snapping up travelers. It might be the government, but I kind of doubt our government could manage such an elaborate plan and keep the details hidden. It might be a natural occurrence, magnetic fields creating a worm hole that rockets random cars driving under Big Walker Mountain into deep space. Whatever it is it made the trip easier.

So, if you are traveling that way, keep an eye on the cars around you, and let me know if you see anything suspicious.

Extraterrestrial Life, now you know.

We, here at Life Explained, are joining the Search for Extra Terrestrial Life (SETI).  This is an exciting field of scientifically advanced organizations in the single minded pursuit of life beyond the borders of comfort, convenience, and probably common sense. We think we will fit right in.  Plus, we figure there might be a nice little check in it for the organization who approaches it with the correct entrepreneurial zeal.

According to Space.com the search is close to fruition.  In the next twenty five years they predict life will be discovered "out there."

It is not really going to be difficult to find extraterrestrial life. We know exactly where they are. We actually know their billing and shipping address. And we have their fax number, email address, and have set up direct deposit with their bank account, it is so much quicker than sending a check across the void, as it were.

In fact we have just completed a very large transaction with a wonderful enterprise on Mars. Here is the most recent email confirmation. We will have the first real Martian Rover. Oh sure, NASA claims to have a Martian Rover, but it is just an old Chevy they tossed up there.

Who is up for a ride when it gets here?

2016 The Predictions, Not for the squeamish.

We, here at Life Explained, Central Ohio (LEHELLNO) would like to offer a short apology. This post is a little later than we would have liked. Since this is the 2016 prediction issue, (bought to you by Ted's Classic Cuts in Gahanna Ohio, where they cut hair) we wanted to get this out a little earlier. Unfortunately time travel is a tricky thing, and three people who went into the future to see what happened were never heard from again.

Thank goodness we were smart enough not to tell anybody about this or volunteers might have been a little scarce. Finally the 4th person we sent, Bob from IT, finally managed to send a text.  It was not very informative, but it was enough.

We managed to access his Go Pro and stream some video, and while it was not promising there were a few bright spots. We should tell everybody what to expect. Out of respect for Bob, and the other three guys, whose names escape me for the moment.

The year will start with market instability as the world wrestles with turmoil, terrorism, floods, mudslides, and unusual weather patterns.

February brings good news, as Apple, Google, and Microsoft finally quit swinging their purses at each other. Working together they manage to make a series of devices that will share music, photos, data, voice, and video seamlessly. And each carries the capacity to be a wifi transmitter. Peace reigns as the world watches cut cat videos, and reads hilarious memes.

Sadly it is short lived. March brings our first encounter with an alien life form. Terror, and panic take possession of humanity, and people begin to lose hope. Fortunately, the aliens are just traveling around the universe selling magazine subscriptions, so they pose no real threat, and nobody subscribes to any magazines.

Unfortunately, the appearance of an alien life form causes political and religious upheaval on a catastrophic scale.

People start breaking into small, heavily armed groups, battling for supremacy. The world is plunged into chaos, as fighting intensifies everywhere. Disease, famine, starvation become the norm as people struggle to cope with the existence of an alien life form.

After that the video begins to break up, and all we can hear is the sound of cursing, and screaming. It might have to do with March Madness, and the national championship in basketball. We aren't sure. As soon as we know we will pass it along.

Anyway, have a nice month, or two, and stock up on bottled water and canned vegetables they will be like gold soon.

Alien Life Coming to Visit,

Today was an exciting day, here at Life Explained. It was so exciting when we got this text message from an Alien Life Form.

It's not every day an alien life form sends you a text message. It is even rarer when they are coming to visit.

Oh sure, there was that time we got the email from the future, and that was cool, and all, but it was almost useless unless you wanted to bet on the 3017 World Series or were looking for the latest in future fashion. Which was all shiny, and drab, and form fitting and baggy all at the same time. If you think modern fashion is inaccessible you should see what people are wearing in the next century, or maybe you shouldn't. We kind of wish we hadn't.

Anyway, that was different, bland, terrestrial, kind of like dinner with the family. Yes it is food, but family is always a little frustrating, and you certainly can't take them out in public. Pretty soon somebody will say "what did you mean by that?' and the fight is on. Police, SWAT, and banned from another restaurant.

We hope it isn't like that time those spirits from the past faxed us, (we had to forgive the primitive technology, they were from the past, after all) we were so excited. Until we found out they just wanted to scam us for a few dollars. Invest in futures, they said, yeah, right.

Anyway, we are going to have them park in the field by the top secret Life Explained headquarters, it is zoned for extraterrestrial visitations, a little money in the right counsel person's pocket can do wonders.

We hope it is not one of those Alien things like from the Alien movie. That would be awful, but they didn't text, and we saw all of those movies.

A day in the life.

I have decided to document my life, in photos. When out and about on one of the many adventures that fill an average Life Explained day I will snap photos of things I see then post them here.

To the right are some artificial flowers from an exciting, action packed trip to Taco Bell, where we ordered off the dollar menu.  My wife and I ordered off the dollar menu, anyway.  My son had something called the steak doubledilla.  It cost quite a bit, but it was big, and came in its own box.  It was highly recommended by his friend, who should know quite a bit about food, he works at Donato's Pizza.

And here is a photo from my fun filled joy ride of an adventure to Target to buy some bottled water.  My wife gave me very specific instructions.  Buy six cases of Aquafina, it is on sale.  And, she gave me a coupon, still attached to the advertisement that would trigger an award of a five dollar gift card.  She even binder clipped a gift card to the ad, right by the coupon. I swear she thinks of me as a child.  Hey, I can take care of things, I am a grown man.

The lines were not long, and I waited my turn, patiently, I am an adult, after all. When it was my turn I walked, briskly, efficiently, calmly, in complete control, up to the register.

WHAT?  She didn't clip the coupon.  Now, I would have to tear it off, trying not to rip it in half, in front of the whole store, this was madness!  But, the young man at the register scanned the coupon, and took care of everything, before I could even start to panic, too much.  He handed me my gift card, my receipt, my new gift card, smiled reassuringly and thanked me.

I told him "wow, that was amazing, you were like a machine! That was so fast, and easy."  He thanked me, and I went to the food counter to buy a Coke and a bag of popcorn, which is kind of a ritual and my son was thought we should, so we did.

I have a theory, when you have free refills it demands a certain level of gluttony.  So, I said to my son, "here, give that glass before you put on the lid."  And I was drinking some, maybe a lot.

While I was enjoying my long, delicious drink somebody touched my shoulder from behind and said "sir, can I talk to you."  It scared the bejezus out of me.  I thought for sure they were going to make me pay for another Coke, and my mind was scrambling for a reason to drink extra pop (or soda, or cola, or whatever).  She asked me about the young man at the register, and I said he was great.  In my relief at not being harassed about my sudden, overpowering, unquenchable thirst I started talking a little too fast, and a little too much.  Fortunately I managed to stop short of telling her how much I hate shopping at Target.  I am a rock.

Then it hit me, my life is pretty dull, and considering how quickly I fly into full blown, half crazed agitation, and frenzy it is probably a good thing.  So I have decided to chronicle my life in pictures and make them seem more interesting than they are.  On the right is a picture of the artificial flowers at Taco Bell re-enacting the battle of  Anzio.  And it was pretty convincing too.  On the right is a picture of aliens getting ready to attack Target, Wal-Mart was too crowded, I guess.

Our mistake, sorry about that.

Without thinking too much about it we may have started something fairly awful. There is an app for iPhone that will add a UFO (Unidentified Flying Objects), or aliens to photos. That sounded like a lot of fun, and it was less than a dollar. We jumped at the chance. Soon we were snapping photos, left and right, front and back, up, down, side to side, three, four, five dimensions (Darkness fears the dawning of the Age of Aquarius), sorry, we got a little caught up in the distant past there.  Soon, we had the whole city covered in eerie, menacing flying saucers, and creepy, malevolent aliens. It was a gas.

Soon, though, we realized we had been duped. The app we purchased was actually a portal leading to the far reaches of the universe. We had unwittingly unleashed a terrible alien army on our city. Our guilt was overwhelming, crushing.

Good people, and some who weren't probably all that good, were being carted off to an unimaginable fate. Perhaps they were being sold into slavery, or put in zoos, or made into housepets. Maybe they were made into servants, or used for bait, or put in mazes, and their paths were scrutinized, and recorded as part of a large, government funded experiment to find the best way to solve a maze. It really might not have been  so unimaginable, after all.

Blood curdling screams, filled with agony, and terror echoed from buildings. We felt awful.  Hiding in the basement, we covered the small, glass tile windows with foam insulation, cut from the countless ice chests that were abandoned down there. Well, we saved a few to keep the bologna, and beer cold, we aren't animals after all.

We sat there, with nothing but cold bologna (crackers, cheddar cheese, and spicy mustard, but those are staples) and beer for several days. Consumed by grief, torn apart by self loathing, filled with despair, we desperately sought a solution. We were running out of ice.

Then, out of nowhere, it hit us.  We emailed the App store and demanded a refund.  It took some bickering, and some threatening, but we got our 99 cents back.

Plus, it seems most of the commotion is finished outside. We assume everybody has been carted off, and the aliens have moved on to more populated places. This should really cut down on traffic, and lines in the supermarket. And, we have an extra buck to spend at the App store, and there is this cool ghost finder app, we can't wait.

Christmas, the Gamble.

Christmas is here and the Jolly old Elf has come and gone.  So far, we here at Life Explained, (#lifeexplained) are still tallying the results.  So far, though,  it seems that all of our extraordinarily good behavior may not have paid off.  It is very a very complex formula, shown here with pictures to make you more comfortable.  But, as we look back on the effort we have spent it is clear it did not make economic sense to behave so well.

We are afraid that spells big trouble for the world next year.  It was not easy saving the world.  And we did it constantly.  There were alien invasions, ancient armies traveling to our time, robot monsters, vampires, werewolves, all bent on the complete destruction of mankind.   Who stopped them?  That's right, we did.  You're welcome.

Plus, we have perfected the intergalactic radio transponder, to signal alien civilizations.  We have the worlds only functional time travel machine.  Our robot factory is running almost non-stop, and our occult research department is making great strides...  Never mind all that, though.

Straight from Dr. Dawg

Just rest assured there is still time to make amends, Santa, if you turn your little sleigh and eight tiny reindeer around and come up with some new iPads, and maybe a new television, and an Xbox one, with some cool games, we might be convinced to try one more year.  It's up to you.

Lunch, Some Day it Might be You, (enjoy it while you can).

Since it is Monday, and we have had such a busy weekend, here at the top secret Life Explained headquarters, we smoked a brisket, ran an auger, took apart (kind of) a major electric appliance, watched the new Hercules, with Dwayne (the Rock) Johnson, (yes, we can smell what the Rock is cooking, and in this case it was ancient Grecians, Greeks, Greekians..., people from ancient Greece), made a pan of killer lasagna, watched some football, watched some made trips to three, or four hardware stores, and updated the software on an iPad, we decided we were not in the mood to make lunch.

Of course that led to the constant, bickering and arguments, and turmoil.  What do you want, Pizza, Mexican food, Italian food, Asian, burgers, it is amazing how childish scientists working in a cutting edge, state of the art, top flight research and development facility can be.  It consumed the whole morning, and started to get so heated we had to lock the weapons lab, and post an armed guard at the entrance, an armed guard who had brought a lunch and could not be swayed by promises of hot spicy chicken wings, or tasty, sweet deserts.

Finally, about 11:30 we came up with the perfect plan.

That's right, we chose Alien food, it isn't always delicious, and you can never be too sure what you are eating, but, at least it isn't eating you, and that is always a plus.  Plus, it really hits the spot after a busy weekend.  Don't forget to reserve your Thanksgiving meal today, they are going fast, and it might be you or them, do you really want to take that chance?

Immigrants in the work place.

Not to scale.

It has been pretty hectic, here at Life Explained, the last several weeks.  Our efforts to develop the means to colonize mars are starting to bear fruit.  And the Life Explained Time Travel Division is really making progress, and great Italian food, as well.  Things are going surprisingly well considering how the government has cut funding to such vital research.  It is such a shame, it is to the point you can't trust an elected official at all.  Anyway, with all of this work we were in a real bind, staffing wise, and decided it was a good time to add a few people, employment wise.

And, like a gift from the heavens here came several illegal aliens looking for a job.  We called a meeting of the executive council and quickly decided hiring people who just showed up, looking for work, unsolicited was a fantastic bonus.  We wouldn't have to go through all of the "want ad posting, resume reading, interview conducting" turmoil.  It was great!

Not only were we saving some real moolah on ads, but since they were not registered citizens we wouldn't have all of those burdensome tax regulations, and forms, and reporting requirements.  Plus, anybody who had mastered intergalactic travel had to have some serious science chops, right?  Not necessarily.

Turns out they were a bunch of post grad dropouts from the far side of the Milky Way tearing around the universe looking for a little fun.  Unfortunately, they ran low on cash and had to take a temporary job until they had enough to move on down the line. Their ship was powered by a unique fuel, that could be synthesized from mixing Alka Seltzer and carbonated water.  But, it took a lot of each, and it takes a while, and some serious cash to gather that amount.

As scientists they were useless, but they could paint murals that changed with the moods of the rooms inhabitants, which is a handy thing when you work with a bunch of petulant, childish, temperamental egomaniacs who fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.  We should save a bundle in bandages, and antibiotic cream.

Also, with only rum, tequila, gin, seltzer water, cranberry juice and a few drops of the fuel for the space ship they could make the most delightful drink, an Intergalactic Red Devil.  After a few of those the mural in the kitchen would be rainbows, unicorns, and smiling stars.  People would be dancing in time and singing in tune.  Amazingly enough, no one ever had a hangover, at all.  Man, those were good drinks.

They have almost enough fuel for the next stage of their journey, and there is a pall around the top secret Life Explained headquarters.  They were fun, talented and energetic, breathing new life into a stodgy, old atmosphere, and we are going to miss them.  And, no matter how hard they tried to teach us nobody could mix up a Devil like they could, they were truly artists.

Now, We Have Proof!

I have a niece who lives in Texas, she is educated, intelligent, and successful, also, she asked I not include the city in which she lives, she doesn't want you guys dropping by for lunch, after all.  At some point she became a "camper."  Oddly enough, and this really has nothing to do with this story, she is one of two nieces that have become campers.  What really makes this odd is; when they were younger it always seemed like you would need a pry bar and a couple of strong men to separate either of them from their blow dryers, curling irons, and hair spray, now they head off to the wild with nothing more than a camping stove, a tent, a couple of flashlights, an air mattress, a battery operated microwave, a refrigerator that plugs into the lighter outlet on the car, just kidding, I don't really know what they take camping, but I am sure they go without a microwave.

Anyway, to make a long story short, if that is still possible, my niece, the camper, who lives in Texas, not the other one, the camper, who doesn't live in Texas, decided they were going camping in New Mexico and asked her many Facebook friends, fans, family, followers, and hanger-ons for suggestions.  Of course, being the inquisitive, curious type I immediately suggested Roswell.  For one thing I am working on exposing the great cover up that our government has been foisting upon society since... well, for a long time anyway.

This was a perfect opportunity for a fact finding, information gathering mission, led by an educated, intelligent, successful person, who was not going to charge any money.  We are running on the narrowest of margins here.

It was with great anticipation we waited for the camping trip and the treasure chest of evidence it would provide.  Imagine our delight when she replied, "No thanks, Tim, we are afraid of the aliens."

At long last proof positive provided by an educated, intelligent, successful person who maintains friends, followers and fans on Facebook!  She would hardly be afraid of something that did not exist.  That would just be silly.

Remember you heard it here first, unless you subscribe to my nieces Facebook page that is

Sometimes you need to look out there to learn about here.

Humans are a very inquisitive bunch, with an unquenchable thirst for understanding.  Looking around, at each other, and then in the mirror, and then at each other, we begin to understand, "Wow, this kind of bad."  We know we are imperfect, and filled with terrible urges, and uncontrollable, boundless, blind ambition.  We understand that this is a sad way to exist, constantly bickering, and scheming, building ever more sophisticated weaponry to make sure we are the "last man standing" (my apologies to any women who are in the process of planning something destructive).

So, we spend billions trying to nurture understanding between all of the divergent peoples of the world.  Slaving, and scrapping, and laboring to foster a peaceful, loving environment covering the entire planet so everyone can feel accepted, regardless of difference.  A glorious heaven of love and harmony and care.

No, not really.  That would be almost impossible, if you've ever worked with two Ukrainian immigrants, two people who have moved from the same country, to the same city, two people who belong to the same religion, two people who have faced so many similar hardships and have so much in common, and used to be such good friends. Two people who have decided they were no longer going to speak to each other, no matter what, and years later will still not use the elevator at the same time, you would know this is a fools errand.  You would be better off trying to control the weather, which is not a bad idea.

What we have done is start scouring the skies for races of beings with whom we might find something in common.  And it is not easy, or cheap.  

In the elevated deserts of Chile is a large millimeter array that cost 1.5 billion dollars, and is located in the Atacama Desert, also known as the driest place on Earth.  It is cold, the oxygen is thin, and it is a long way from everywhere.  So, it took a lot of work to get all of the equipment up there.  But, we if you want to find stuff in space this is a good place to do it.

For the most part we, here at Life Explained, fully support space exploration, and are currently attempting to fund our Colonize Mars Road Trip (send us a note if you have a little extra change on the desk and would like to kick in) but we are not sure advertising our presence and inviting other life forms here is such a good idea.  We should point out that we are not sure they are looking for "people" out there, and will research that a bit further, after we finish other important stuff.  We are fairly comfortable saying they are not looking for a "Pizza Ranch" or else they just could have just looked here.

What if we do find an Alien Civilization, and they are as bellicose and obstinate as us?  Or worse, really boring.  Do we ask them to leave?  Doesn't that seem kind of rude, maybe it isn't them, maybe it is us.  Maybe we can't get along with anybody.  

"Yes, we know we invited you, and yes we understand it is a long way to your home, but, well, we have to work tomorrow, and it is getting late, and all of the wine is gone, and we are just very tired.  Maybe we should just call it a night."

"We will destroy your planet, puny humans, scattering the debris across the endless, cold expanses of space."  We have taken the liberty of translating from Alien so you don't have to.

Should we let them spend the night on the moon, what if they break it, then what?  It is the only one we have, and it would cost a lot to repair, and would be almost impossible to replace.  Of course, we have heard that Jupiter has 63 moons, and could probably spare one.  Who needs that many moons, anyway?  Kind of showy if you ask us.  "Oh look at me, I have 63 confirmed moons, and you only have one, and then you let the aliens break it.  You are never going to have anything nice with that sort of..."  Sorry about that, we just get a little defensive when the other planets in the solar system look down on us, you should hear Saturn going on and on and on about those stupid rings, like anybody wants, or even cares about... Oops.

Anyway, looking into the distant reaches of space is a great idea, who knows what is out there, and what we can learn.  And since it is a collaboration between Europe, East Asia, and America maybe we can learn something about working together and make life here a little better, too.  Always a good investment.

  

Wow, how did you do that?

Anybody who takes the time to look around, pay attention, understand, and acknowledge the mysteries and vagaries of life knows there is something not quite right.  Something a little bit unusual, something just a little strange, not completely bad, but not really good either.  There are obviously larger forces at work, surrounding us, manipulating things, making sure there is always something just a bit odd, almost everyday. After a while we learn to ignore the bizarre things, and pretend they are OK.

Our main purpose in starting this blog, and Explaining Life was to shine a light in the dark corners, unravel the great puzzle, reveal the hidden, explain the inexplicable.  So far we have not done very well.  Some of this stuff is pretty danged complicated, you know.  And everywhere we look there are spiders, and invasive species of fish, and snails, and snakes, and we need to caution people about those problems, too.

But, it seems we have strayed, and last night, at the Share Holders meeting, we heard, at great length, about our failures.  We were told about our need to offer reassurance, in dark, troubled times to the frightened masses, hiding underneath their desks, coffee cup, and flashlight in hand.  People who are afraid to step into the light, because it might signal an approaching space ship, filled with angry aliens, desperate for a new home (Earth) with a tasty, abundant food supply (us).   People who are worried that there might be a "face sized spider" (not for the squeamish, or anybody with a face) under the desk, right behind that awful drawer, that always caught on their pants, and was hard to open, and really served no purpose except for tearing fabric, and the concealment of large, predatory spiders!  Probably better to climb out and face the rapidly approaching, ravenous aliens.  Not that we would know anything about that.

Anyway, to help Explain Life we have begun work on a time travel machine.  It was not as difficult as you might think.  We found a place where the space time continuum was stretched a little thinner than normal, The Pukwana Triangle, in central South Dakota (home to the PukU bar and grill, if you are passing by stop in, have a beer, and say hello).  Then took some riding lawn mowers, removed the blades, and beefed up the engines.  When the atmospheric conditions were just right we sent them zipping around in a circle until they reached escape velocity, and bam they were gone.  Here is the video.

We are going to file a full report, as soon as we find out where they went, and what they are doing.  We think they ended up in the future, around 2035, somewhere around Sao Paulo.  As long as they are there we hope they do a little research the effects climate change has on the Brazilian Wandering Spider, (without bringing one back, of course) they are awful things.  Though, they could be anywhere, "anytime."  Hey time travel is tricky stuff, but we think you are worth the effort, and so are the shareholders, and the board of directors, and the person who signs our paychecks, especially them.

Another Government Coverup Exposed.

Early Friday morning the cold, still, night air of downtown Columbus, OH was rocked by a series, (somebody check to see if 3 qualifies as a series.  It does?  Great, thanks, I owe you a couple of the finest glazed.) of explosions.   Manhole covers were sent rocketing through windows, power supplies were cut, covered the area and the smell of destruction was everywhere.

Acting quickly, the local authorities sent in the finest officials from the Office of Misinformation, and some other people, too.  After setting up a perimeter, and establishing a command headquarters, these dedicated professionals made coffee, microwaved some breakfast burritos, and turned on the TV to catch reruns of the A Team.  Man, those guys knew how to run an operation.

After what was considered a reasonable interval they issued a press release explaining that the explosions were caused by the underground storehouses of the local power company, AEP.  A spokesperson for AEP said "it was all our fault, and we are very sorry."

Yeah, right AEP spokesperson, and well trained, well paid officer of misinformation.  What kind of fools do you take us for?

We did a little research, and found startling evidence of several previous occurrences of underground explosions in American cities.  

One such incident was explained so beautifully in the documentary "War of the Worlds" starring Tom Cruise.  It was a touching, heartwarming, example of man's ability to survive hardship, adversity and alien invasion.  We give it 5 stars, Doctor Dawg says, check it out.

We sent an investigative unit to Columbus to find out what really

happened, and they found this startling evidence on the local traffic camera footage.  It is probably a good idea to check for man hole covers when parking or stopping for a red light, or stop sign.  Also, you might want to purchase our new book, "How to Survive a Movie Plot; A Script for the Rest of Us."  It can't hurt.

Let's hope they wait awhile.

Last night the sky was cloudless, and when I left for work this morning it was still dark, really dark.  The sky was an inky black blue, with thousands of little sparkles flickering everywhere.  If you looked carefully you could almost see the possibilities, but you had to look closely, and kind of quickly, because it was freezing.

There must have been millions of little lights, flashing their lovely little Morse Code messages.  "Hey, you are not alone."  At least I think that is what they were saying, it was too cold to write it down.  "dot, dot, dash, dash, dot."  And my Morse Code decryption skills were never that good, but you are free to try it tonight, and let me know if they are saying something else.  If it is "we are coming to destroy your planet, puny, helpless Earthlings" you don't need to tell me, I would just as soon not know.

But, what if they do come, just drop in to pay a visit, what then?  What will they see?  Honestly, if they travel across the terrible, immense vacuum of space and they show up here what would they think of this place?

"Greetings, good people of Earth, we come in peace."  Will be the message from the heavens.

"Great, welcome to our planet.  Let's set down and talk, as soon as we finish wiping these semi evolved, godless fools from the face of the Earth.  Then we can have a civilized discussion."

Moving on.

"Fantastic, we are so glad you are here.  And we would love to chat with you, as soon as we decide who we should allow into our country, and who we should kick the hell out.  Say, do you have the technology to build a very long fence?"

Meanwhile.

"Oh, it is so nice to see you, we will get together right after we take care of a few small problems involving infidels, and heretics.  You aren't an infidel, are you?"

And, more

"Hey, it is great to see you.  If you would let us finish marginalizing anybody who is different, and imprisoning those whose views are counter to what we accept as normal we can exchange ideas from our two great cultures, and both benefit from this most fortunate experience, I am sure you can learn so much from us.  Aren't you lucky?"

"Uh, thanks, but no."  Will be the next message from the heavens as the aliens throw their space ship in reverse and make haste away from our unfortunate little planet.

"By the way, we are going to bill you for the time and gasoline it took to this backward little planet.  We take most major credit cards, and cash, but don't even think about writing a check."
 Will be the last thing we hear from them until we get the invoice.

I am taking a collection to pay our bill to the aliens, don't hesitate to send a small donation, anything will help.

Saved some money, but it might have been a mistake.

Business is pretty good these days.  But, there were some lean years, sales were slow, money was tight, and as a company we were scrambling for ways to stay afloat.  We tried turning down the heat, dimming the lights, and people were asked to wait until there were several passengers before using the elevator, kind of a car pool lane for the lift.  Briefly, there were talks about not providing coffee, but hey, we are not animals.

One of the suggestions floated was to hire illegal aliens, they work cheap, they labor night and day, and are dedicated, fearless, single minded beings bent on self preservation.

Things were going well.   We had a real sweat shop thing going, a facility full of laborers, toiling night and day, without break, for laughably low wages.  Things were beginning to look up.

Sure, a few people vanished, unexpectedly, without a trace, but that is part of running a company, right?  But, when that monstrous, little beast broke out of Bob's, the Head of Human Resources, chest at the weekly staff meeting.  Just popped right out, scampered across the table and vanished down the stair well, and into the janitor's closet, and none of us were going in there, it is dusty, messy and smells of disinfectant.

No one really liked the Human Resource guy, anyway, always going on about "labor laws," and "compensation," and "employee benefits," but when that slimy little thing ran through a dozen of the local bakery's finest ruining every donut that was too much.  Chocolate covered, cream filled fried gifts from the gods, ruined!  We quickly fired every last alien in the place.

It was time to evaluate our hiring practices.  We settled on humans, they cost more, but they respect the donut.

Here is a reenactment, not really the head of Human Resources, actually it is Jesse the sales person, who agreed to play the part of Bob, who was unavailable.  And the alien, who needed a job.

Mankind pulls through, again. How do we do it?

Last night we watched Pacific Rim, a great movie, about monstrously big aliens invading through the ocean floor battling giant robots.  Does a great movie need anymore than that?

Anyway, the aliens come through the ocean floor because...  Well, I'm not sure why they come through the ocean floor, but they do.  And they are big, mean, lizard looking things, not regular lizards, more like a diabolically designed alien lizards with a neon light kit.,Plus, they have one of those alien sound generators, that make the low pitched, undulating, creepy hum.  A noise that is very popular with alien invaders.

When the lighted, alien lizards first start showing up they smash up cities and destroy buildings and just make a real mess of things.  Danged lighted, alien lizards anyway.  Our puny, conventional Earth weapons are of no use against them, which really did not surprise anyone.  We all kind of saw that coming, but we had to try, right?

Don't worry, mankind leaps quickly into action and builds a series of giant robots, and call them Jaegers, (because it reminds them of the tasty alcohol of their youth) to smash things up, too.  It doesn't take to long until robots and giant lizards are using each other to smash things up all over the place.  Stomping around, throwing each other through buildings and onto parking structures, it is a real dance of destruction, and we start to get the upper hand, maybe, for a while.

Cities are reduced to rubble, people are forced to flee, on foot, because cars are always the first casualty of alien invasions.  I think they know about our love affair with the automobile, and do it just to hurt us, alien invading bastards, anyway.

Soon, though, the aliens start adding new accessories right at the factory, claws, and hooks and electromagnetic pulse generators, and little coolers big enough for a six pack of beer, soda pop, blue tooth stereos, and power windows...  oops, that was something that I saw at the auto show last year.  And they begin to gain an advantage.  The fighting intensifies, things look bleak.  Vegas puts the odds at 6 to 2 aliens, and people are jumping on that action.  Fools!  Never bet against Hollywood robots

The governments of the world decide this might not be a good idea, robots, and lizards performing mixed martial arts all over the worlds population centers, and as governments have so often done in the past decide to build a wall.  Which doesn't work very well, it never does, does it? But, we had to try right?

Don't worry, though, we send a few brave souls in the last remaining giant robots down to the bottom of the ocean, through the opening, and into the giant alien lizard world (and we become the alien invaders, what a plot twist) where they detonate a "nuclear device," closing the path to the aliens, and, if I might add putting a little human foot to giant alien lizard butt.

They manage to escape in little bitty life pods, (that look remarkably like a Tic Tac breath mint (this statement was bought to you to the by the good people at the Tic Tac Breath Mint Conglomeration (don't you wish you had a tic tac now?))) back through the rapidly disintegrating gateway, up through miles of ocean, and against all odds of survival, they survive.

Whew, that was close!

I had to save the world, so sue me.

Loyal readers of this blog know I am not given to boasting, or shameless self promotion.  Lately, though, an age old wound has been opened, and even though it will require some descriptive language that may seem like bragging, and despite the considerable anguish this will cause me personally, the world deserves an explanation, and many of the documents have recently become declassified.

When I was much younger I was approached by a group of concerned people who needed assistance.  They were trying to save the world from an angry mob of women shoe shoppers from Alpha Centauri (also known as Rigel Kent), the brightest star in the Centaurus Constellation.   Apparently, despite having a radial velocity of -21.6 km/s and an apparent magnitude of -0.01 (don't get me started on the spectral type of G2 V) they don't have any decent shoe sales.  This, according to the terrified people who contacted me, spelled big trouble for our sleepy little planet.

Looking back it is surprising how many people were unaware of the bus loads of savage bargain hunters screaming across the heavens toward us.  Fortunately, thanks to the frightened people who hired me, they did not need to know, I was on the job.

Working quickly, as I am known to do, I assembled a team of top scientists, the most proficient engineers, and the wildest looking group of crypto-zoologists you have ever seen and we started constructing a defensive umbrella that would save the Earth, and the terrified people who hired us were grateful.

Sure, it was touch and go, time was short, and we were forced to work night and day for weeks on end.  Months of sleepless toil, until our backs ached and our fingers cramped, and our feet hurt, and we had headaches, and blurred vision and we lived on hot dogs and breakfast sandwiches, and we liked it, because we were doing the right thing, for the right reason.  We simply could not let the Earth, and the horrified people who hired us, be destroyed.

It was a beautiful construct, too, elegant, simple and brutally effective.  Using a 60 watt bulb, we sent the light through several magnifying glasses of increasing size and power, until it was like a miniature sun.  Using a calculator from Woolworth's as our computer, (things were different back then, and dime store calculators were the best thing you could hope for) we calibrated it to track any space borne Mimosa aroma, and incinerate the vehicle in which it was being transported.  

Unfortunately, the person in charge of procurement, was a little overwhelmed by the sheer volume of items needed, and forgot to buy a 60 watt bulb, and electric fixture.  We were moments away from being overrun by angry shoe shoppers from outer space and I had to act quickly.  So, I reverse engineered my BABY sister's easy bake oven, just to save the world.  And have not heard the end of it since.  Despite the fact I have replaced it, and sometimes she finds the kitchen confusing.  Last time we visited she was in the kitchen screaming, like a banshee, "How come my pie isn't cooked and it's all soggy?"  Her husband, a man with a lot of patience, said politely, "that's the dishwasher, dear."

Now the story has been told.  I don't like to brag, but it was going to come out sooner or later.

Give me a break.

An article on Learning-Mind.com states that there is an item on Discovery.com (A quick, very quick, search of Discovery.com yielded no fruit, it might be there but we have no proof, but what the heck, there is some great stuff there, so look away) which states that scientists from Kazakhstan believe that humans were designed by an alien race.  Specifically, they reference human DNA as containing a "biological SETI."

According to the article DNA is constructed in such a way that it looks like a "set of numerical and ideographic standards of a symbolic language."  In short, they feel, humans were created outside our solar system several billion years ago.


Obviously, this would have had to be a very advanced race, with abilities we could never hope to understand.  Designing a race of beings and spreading the seeds across the vastness of time and space is quite an accomplishment, and it would require knowledge and wisdom beyond our imagination.

Of course, since I was just at the dentist yesterday, I have my doubts.  They can encode DNA and send life across the heavens, but they couldn't come up with something better than teeth?!!??   Any decent endurance engineer could have come up with a much better solution.  So, Kazakhstan scientist, it is time you found another theory, this one has just been squashed.

Now you know.

This just in, Last Friday, during an early spring snowstorm, Eden resident Peggy Gervase was looking at the pond near her home when she noticed an unusual pattern in the snow covering the water's surface: large circles that resembled giant polka dots.

"I've never seen this before in our pond," Gervase told local TV station WGRZ. "It's eerie in a way, but cool in a way."

After Gervase posted a photograph of the pond circles to the station's Facebook page, respondents offered a number of explanations for the strange circles, including elephant footprints, fish flatulence and aliens.

Though aliens sometimes get the blame for crop circles and other unusual phenomenon, with no real evidence, Gervase isn't buying it, "I'm not that far gone yet," she told WGRZ.

There are more rational explanations: Natural springs often feed ponds with slightly warmer water than the water freezing at the pond's surface during cold weather. As the warmer spring water rises, it would melt the snow and ice on the pond's surface.

Additionally, decaying vegetation on the bottom of the pond could release gases that slowly rise to the surface, creating the polka-dot effect.

Intriguing circular formations are known to occur throughout the natural world during seasonal freeze and thaw cycles.

In areas of permafrost (like the northern Canadian tundra), the expansion of ice beneath the soil surface — a process called frost heaving — creates raised landforms called lithalsas. Lithalsas often form circular or ring-shaped patterns on the surface.

Frost heaving also creates a related landform called a pingo. Over many years, pingos can grow into small, circular hills: The tallest known pingo is the Kadleroshilik Pingo in Alaska, which reaches 178 feet (54 meters) in height.

Naturally formed, perfectly round, frozen pond circles, this seemed a little suspicious. Maybe another cover up, another example of government generated, press fueled, misinformation. But, it turns out to be one more example of "life imitating art." A quick internet search for "bizarre, yet completely normal, and adequately explained natural phenomenon" provided several more examples.

For example, this oddly shaped storm damage caused by hail, wind, and driving rain in a wheat field right outside Garden City, Kansas. 

Or, the unusual erosion pattern that has formed this breathtaking vista in the Black Hills of South Dakota.

There is no cause for alarm, these things are easily explained.  Just relax and enjoy life.