Happiness, and Hanging On.

My wife wants me to try to be happier. She wants me to see things through a different lens, something a little clearer, not so cloudy. Every morning, when I leave for work she says "today is going to be a good day."

"It will." I reply, hope springs eternal.

If it were anybody except my wife I would be convinced that they were only trying to make me
happier because they know it makes me miserable. Every night my wife would hear about the mean spirited, spiteful, small people who were trying to make me feel better just to hurt me. She would smile and tell me I should try to be happier just to show them they couldn't make suffer by wishing happiness on me, explaining how they would learn better than to wish cheerfulness on me.

My wife and I have a complicated relationship. Despite all of our years together, all of the trials, and difficulties, all of the tears and laughter I really believe she wants me to be happy, just because she loves me and wants me to be happy.

I am trying, too, with mixed success. Emails and phone calls still send shivers down my spine. I try not read between the lines, ignoring the fertile patch of menace growing around the carefully crafted sentences. Thinly veiled threats of violence and anger seething just below the surface. I still know it's there, I just don't look at it. I have become an ostrich, sticking my head in the sand and hoping that everything turns out ok. I ignore the derision and scorn, the mocking, smug superior attitude in every voice mail. The contempt and pettiness are nothing, less than nothing. Ignoring the pompous, elitist, reactionary, fools that make the rules for...

I might need to work a little more on this. It slides in and out of focus, I sometimes lose my grip on a good-natured disposition. But, I am trying.

My wife thinks a theme song might help. I am going to try out several, over the next few days. You will be able to vote on them here;  Life Explained,

Here is the first entry, from one of my favorite frantic, frightening musician turned Member of Parliament, Peter Garrett, and Midnight Oil.

While I realize this is not about being happy it is about never giving up, no matter how difficult things become. And happiness, I am learning is a cruel mistress, kind of like my wife, I guess, but I haven't given up on her, either, and we are pretty happy together.

Something Old and Something New

Friends and fans of this blog will tell you I am a big fan of technology, and progress.  And convenience.  And ease, and comfort.  At the same time I am a staunch ally of the classics.  Wisdom that has traveled the treacherous, rocky, often violent path of time can still have value, and truth.  Moreover, there is a great deal of comfort in applying the remedies that once offered hope and relief to our ancestors.  That is why we were so excited to find out about Infographics.

 
Apparently ancient man was not alone in using pictures to tell enhance a story. Unlike Cro-Magnon man, though, we can use Infographics on almost any PC, tablet, or smart phone. Always just a few keystrokes away, or sometimes a mouse click, or occasionally a swipe, touch, gesture, press, or tap these modern hieroglyphs are easily accessible for the "cave painters" of modern times.

 
If you get an email with the following; "Hey, ( me" you know what to do. You should call that person.  Conversely, if you get a text that looks like this:

You know it means that person wants to know if you are available for toxic coffee with a communist pirate.  Make sure to keep a few hours open every day for opportunities like this. Yes, most days it will be wasted, but when the chance does come up you don't want to be overscheduled.

Maybe you will get this information packed jewel.

Which lets you know that your choice in music is so awful it would make a monkey nauseous. These are things we need to know. These are things we have to hear, or see. These are things that are much better said with Infographics.

Of course, these are the only uses for, and certainly not the only type of Infographics. There are tales of numbers represented by lines and segments imposed on appropriate photos. But, who knows about that stuff.  Send us a sample of your favorite Infographic, and it might end up in "Life Explained, The Trilogy." Yes, friends, it has grown beyond the confines of a single cinematic masterpiece, it has become a franchise.

 

 

New Technology, New Cars.

Apple and Google are locked in a battle for market share.  It can be heated, at least among the users of the respective products.  It is unclear if the companies are as venomously opposed as the fans, but there is plenty of vitriol to go around.  With billions of consumer dollars at stake the gigantic, monolithic corporations are pushing the boundaries of innovation, and creating the barely believable as part of the routine.

From tablets to smart phones to "wearables" (little computers you wear, watches, and bracelets, mostly, that will alert you to incoming calls, emails, text messages and Hellfire missiles, not really, actually I don't know what they do, and I have thought about this a lot, way more than is probably healthy, what can you actually accomplish on a touch screen the size of a watch?  Type out an email, or a text message, watch a YouTube video, read an ebook?  Probably, you could do any of these things, but it would be a terribly restricted experience.

What's the point, just walking around saying "I have a smart watch"

"What time is it?"

"Time?  Oh, time of day time, here let me access that function, just a simple swipe, a little tap, Oh, dammit, maybe if I sweep, no, maybe a sweeping motion, shoot, it's about 11:00.  Want to watch this cat video?  I think it's a cat, it might be a bear, or a car."...  Oops, sorry about that, wearables are the next wave of technology, and are a viable computational device with limitless potential).

Anyway, back to the point of this, I heard that Apple was developing a "Smart Automobile Technology."  Google has been working feverishly, and noisily on their car, and the competition is fierce.  It is a mad dash to driverless cars.

Apple, and Google both imagine a day when people will be free to set behind the wheel of an automobile, and goof around with their phone, enjoy a cup of coffee, or even a donut, or breakfast sandwich on the way to work.   A day when commuters are free to cruise along the freeway with little or no concern for traffic laws, common sense, or the safety of other drivers.

Wait a minute, that already happens, all over the place.  Maybe these companies aren't so innovative after all.  Here is a a video I took while undercover for big oil, and large insurance conglomerates, who would like to keep everybody blind to the realities of monopoly, and wriggling to pay their bills, and terrified of what would happen when...  Oops sorry, that was not supposed to slip.

Don't forget to check out my new blog, as soon as it is written, that is.  It will be about history, a subject that is a lot more interesting than you might imagine.  Plus, there is so much of it, I will never run out of material.

Benefits of Employment.

Obviously, vacation is important, we all need time to relax, escape the rigors of responsibility, the demands of employment.  Occasionally, the strict requirements of occupation are oppressive, suffocating, demanding, inescapable, hounding your every footstep, hammering you with emails, voice mails, and once in a rare while real mail.   However, having a job can be a very pleasant experience, if you follow a few simple steps.

First, hire the best people you can afford, and make sure they understand you want them to succeed.  You are more than a superior, you are a mentor.  If they realize that success for you, and success for them is so interwoven, so inseparable, they will almost become indentured servants.   Make sure they understand if you fail, it will reflect poorly on them, and you are vindictive enough to drag them all the way to bottom of the pit with you.  Also, make sure they know how you like your coffee, and your life  will be much happier.

Second, use email to your advantage.  Add everybody in the company to every email you send, most companies have a distribution list that has several methods to include the whole organization, in a few brief keystrokes.  Don't worry, most people will just ignore anything from you, but a few will begin to think you actually have a little power, and in this world perception is reality.  

Also. most email clients have a delayed send feature.  You can type all sorts of mundane memos that will take on increased importance if it looks like you sent them at 2:00 AM.  Even something so trivial as "working on some stuff, going to get some coffee, anybody want anything?"  Not only does it look like you were "working on some stuff" at two in the morning, but it also implies that you are such a nice person that you would get your coworkers anything they wanted, without the risk of spending any of your hard earned coin on the ingrates.

Working can be difficult, but it can be rewarding, with just a few simple steps.  And getting a paycheck is always a plus.  Remember without a job, you can't have a decent vacation.

Winning the InterOffice War and Reducing Stress #SaveThePlus

Research has indicated that stress is a very bad thing.  Stress has been linked to heart disease, hypertension, high cholesterol, drug and alcohol addiction, tooth decay and gingivitis, and chronic fatigue.  It has been estimated that 90% of all doctors office visits are for stress related ailments.  These factors combine to cost the American economy billions* of dollars every year.  Is there a way to eliminate stress, remove it from the harried pace of modern life?  Can people manage to be productive, and somehow reduce the amount of stress?  Can the great engine of American Industry and Service Related Occupations find a middle ground, and still make billions for share holders and executives without driving mid level personnel and their subordinates into an early grave with the constant demand for larger margins, and increased profits?  No, probably not.  So it falls on the individual to somehow manage the overwhelming stress that comes with these herculean expectations.

Don't worry though, stress can actually be healthy.  Not if you are experiencing it, of course, you need to pass it on, and watch it's effects on others to enjoy the benefits of what is now being called "The Joys of Stress."  

Step 1 is picking a co-worker, somebody who is kind of a jerk, with a reputation for rage, an
uncontrollable, seething cauldron of anger.  The kind of guy who gets results by driving his employees into the ground, a driven, hateful, vengeful bastard that "the man" loves and is fast tracking to the top.  After finding the candidate start forwarding all of your emails to him, with requests like "hey can you handle this, my plate is kind of full?"  Even when your wife emails the instructions, "pick up some lima beans and corn, we are having succotash for dinner."  Send it right away.  "Hey, take care of this, would you?  I am swamped."

If he complains just point out to everyone, "I was only trying to reach out to the guy."  Nobody will criticize you for "reaching out" to the guy.  It is the most popular activity in business these days.  You can almost hear Little Eva singing,

"Everybody's doing a brand new dance now,

C'mon baby reach out to your coworkers by asking them to do 

Meaningless, trivial tasks that are beneath you,

You know you'll get to like it 

If you give it a chance now."

And to really sell the deal throw in a few words about "team building," and "communicated expectations," and don't forget to add a few "empowerments" and "action points."  

Soon, you will feel the stress slipping away, as you retire to your "happy place" filled with creamy, sugary, iced coffees, and life sustaining pastries.  While the former VP candidate wrestles with his own inability to complete assigned tasks, guide his associates, meet goals, and enjoys a savory dish consisting of corn and shell beans.  

Tune in tomorrow, when we discuss "Delegation, The Key To Sloth."

* Exact figures are not available, and would be too stressful, anyway.

Old habits, and new revenue streams.

Everybody knows that smoking is a dangerous addiction, and the physical, and psychological hold can be difficult to break, certainly.  But, it is also a habit, part of a pattern of behavior that becomes natural, ingrained, part of every day life.  It becomes a rote, another process that runs automatically, finish a task, celebrate with a smoke, getting ready to start a big project, better have a quick cigarette, fresh cup o' coffee, light  a fresh butt.  It just happens, often times without thought.

To quit it is important to change things, rearrange days, create new patterns, and habits.  My first work cigarette was lit right after I arrived.  Right away, I would light up, and then get on with my day.  I needed to change my routines, and find new things.

At the time I had a phone with wifi, and a very good camera (the Kin phone discussed in this post http://tim-thingsastheyare.blogspot.com/2013/04/somber-sort-of-happy-kind-news.html).  I installed my work email and my new habit was taking pictures and emailing them to coworkers.  Many times I would take a picture of their desk, and send it to them with a question "A little late, this morning?"  "It is 7:00 AM, do you know where your coffee cup is?"

It might help to explain that I am normally one of the first to arrive at work (and one of the first to leave, of course).  This aids these sorts of things immensely.

One day I pulled my ultimate email prank.

Nice Monkey

I took this wooden gorilla hanging around down by my co-worker, keeping him safe, watching his back


And hung it like this, using a small art program, "Paint" to add the "X" es to it's eyes, and I added a note saying,

Even nice monkeys can run into problems.

"If you don't want this sort of thing happening to all of your hanging, wooden gorillas leave $5.00 on John's computer keyboard.  Come alone, and don't tell the cops!"  The real genius part of the plan was, I sent it from my computer!  Just so I would get credit, and maybe $5.00.  It saddens me to say, my co-worker, Bil (if anybody from the ASPCA would like to know) did not pay the money, he would rather leave wooden animals to their fate than give up a little coin.


You see, quitting is a process, and you have to make sacrifices, but not $5.00.

Technology Explained

It has been several weeks since technology landed here and life was altered by the addition of an iPhone.  It has been a whirlwind of activity.  Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, all waiting.  It was a fresh beginning.  Smart phones are a blessing, sent from the heavens to reward us for living so long with a phone that was tethered to a wall.  Today we will discuss the time saving, multi-tasking abilities of the iPhone.

Everyday you see countless people driving, robot like, both hands on the wheel, both eyes on the road, machines, scanning the traffic ahead and judiciously using the mirrors to watch behind.  Cautiously looking for potential problems.  Think of all that down time, wasted.  Fools!

Smart phone users, on the other hand, are answering emails, sending text messages, scheduling appointments.  Using all of that wasted time driving to get things done.

Just this morning, on the way to work, I surfed the net for a recipe for dinner tonight (found one using cheese and ground beef patties, might be good), updated my Facebook status, "driving to work, 75 mph, passing doofus in Festiva, flipped him off."  And I liked it, too.  Took a few pictures and posted them to Instagram, titled, "Nice day for a drive, enjoying the scenery"  Answered an email from some guy that has a time share plan that will make me rich.  "Not interested, still waiting on a big fat check from Nigeria" (I was tempted, but how much money can one person use?).  All while rocking and rolling to the Jim Carroll Band performing "People Who Died."

Plus, somehow, during the spasm of productivity that my commute has become with the addition of "SMART" phone technology, I managed to top my high score on "Angry Birds, On the Road, Again"

Not only that, but I am typing and posting this right on the 5th Avenue curve, the maelstrom that has taken so many careless souls over the years.  In case my wife reads this, that was just a joke, I am not really writing this while driving our car, at 75 miles an hour, on the 5th Avenue curve.  It was just a joke.

Anyway, I am here, time to go make coffee.  Have a nice day, and stay connected, it is what separates us from the animals.  Please tune in next week when we cover minor home surgery thanks to YouTube tutorials, in a post titled "Thanks to the iPhone, you don't need to be a physician to heal thyself!"  Or, "Go ahead and try this at home."