Life After Death, or at Least After the Alarm.

In today's episode of Life, Is It Worth It?, we are going to discuss working for a living.  While it may not seem fashionable, and there are times it is inconvenient, having a job can be a great resource.  Of course, there are the obvious benefits of income, insurance, and a retirement plan, but it need not end there.

Depending on where you are employed there are liable to be a diverse group of people with a wide variety of opinions and beliefs.  It could be a great, seething, bubbling stew of ideas, and religions, and tastes. A wonderfully combustible mixture of backgrounds, hopes, dreams, and aspirations. What a place to learn, experience, and expand your horizons.

 Don't worry, though, those things are easily avoided, and it will be simple enough to find a few people who are noteworthy because of their striking similarity to you, and hang out with them.  If they aren't at work, they are on Facebook, or some other "social media." All of which are more enjoyable at work, while getting paid. It is like being a "professional social media mogul".

Working for a living also provides much of the grist for the mill of the economic engine that drives the elevator of upward mobility. In other words people are less likely to express their distaste for you quite so openly if you have a job. They may think you are a putz, but knowing you bring home a paycheck, and they may need to borrow a little something someday makes them reluctant to really trash you in public. Of course, if they ask you and you turn them down all bets are off.

Having a job does require a certain level of commitment, though. And an alarm clock* which can be a real problem. So before rushing out and taking that "dream job" working for that "great company" doing all of the "wonderful, fulfilling things" remember to take a minute, and stick your finger in your eye, it is the same sensation as being jolted awake from a pleasant, peaceful slumber to drag your sorry carcass out of bed and off to do some dungeon master's bidding.

But, if your'e still interested don't forget the Life Explained Employment Agency (motto, "can you afford to feed your family and pay to have our basement remodeled on that salary?") we are always here to help.

*Developed by Satan's Division of Automated Hell.

Benefits of Employment.

Obviously, vacation is important, we all need time to relax, escape the rigors of responsibility, the demands of employment.  Occasionally, the strict requirements of occupation are oppressive, suffocating, demanding, inescapable, hounding your every footstep, hammering you with emails, voice mails, and once in a rare while real mail.   However, having a job can be a very pleasant experience, if you follow a few simple steps.

First, hire the best people you can afford, and make sure they understand you want them to succeed.  You are more than a superior, you are a mentor.  If they realize that success for you, and success for them is so interwoven, so inseparable, they will almost become indentured servants.   Make sure they understand if you fail, it will reflect poorly on them, and you are vindictive enough to drag them all the way to bottom of the pit with you.  Also, make sure they know how you like your coffee, and your life  will be much happier.

Second, use email to your advantage.  Add everybody in the company to every email you send, most companies have a distribution list that has several methods to include the whole organization, in a few brief keystrokes.  Don't worry, most people will just ignore anything from you, but a few will begin to think you actually have a little power, and in this world perception is reality.  

Also. most email clients have a delayed send feature.  You can type all sorts of mundane memos that will take on increased importance if it looks like you sent them at 2:00 AM.  Even something so trivial as "working on some stuff, going to get some coffee, anybody want anything?"  Not only does it look like you were "working on some stuff" at two in the morning, but it also implies that you are such a nice person that you would get your coworkers anything they wanted, without the risk of spending any of your hard earned coin on the ingrates.

Working can be difficult, but it can be rewarding, with just a few simple steps.  And getting a paycheck is always a plus.  Remember without a job, you can't have a decent vacation.

Monday, the Day of Joy.

Yesterday was the Ground Hog Day, and the Super Bowl.  How are we supposed to survive that much intensity in one day.  Several people in Ohio were rushed to the emergency room because of the excitement.  Of course, the real cause for concern, and anxiety, and the resulting heart palpitations, and stress related ailments that had Ohio EMTs running without break, was the fact that Puxsatawney Phil claimed there would be 10 more weeks of winter, and Buckeye Chuck (the lesser known, but equally Marmot Rodent furry meteorologist from Ohio) said there was going to be an early spring.

In Ohio it is very bad form to malign anything Buckeye, (particularly the peanut butter filled chocolate confections that are designed and produced to look exactly like buckeyes, but are especially delicious, unlike the real buckeye nut which is inedible, and used mostly for jewelry) and everybody wants winter to end.  And, after the Polar Vortex has invaded twice, leaving a trail of frigid, icy destruction, winter is even less welcome.  But, Puxsatawney Phil is the original, he was even in a movie, and has had years to refine he weather predicting skills.  Nobody wants to bet against that kind of legacy.

Obviously, the only antidote for this kind of dilemma is a hard fought, close football game that goes right to the end and could be won by either team.  An epic struggle between equally matched opponents, decided by the skill, or athletic ability, or coaching wisdom of one team in the final seconds.  A game both teams, winner and loser, walk away from with pride...

Oops, that bowl was not very "super" at all.

Well, at least the weekend is over, and we can all get back to work, and forget all of the troubles that  plague our time off.  Now, we don't have to worry about all of that decision making, free will, now we can just take it easy and let someone else do all of the thinking for us.

Thank God, for Monday!

Politics, as usual.

In the interest of self preservation I embarked on a spiritual journey through recent political history.  Today there are so many vicious accusations, so much heated debate, so many dire, catastrophic predictions, that there seemed little choice.  Surely, things are not that bad.

Since things have changed so much so quickly it didn't make since to travel too far in time.  The 1970's is so distant, and different that it only made sense to start after that.  Reagan's presidency made an ideal place to begin.  There are so many people lionizing the man as the paragon of the modern republican it might offer a little insight into today's political dilemma.

Reagan was a very good president, not because he was a republican, but because he was a brutal pragmatist.  He saw unemeployment rocket to 10% and the deficit roared out of control, so he passed a tax bill that raised revenue, mostly on the backs of the middle class.  At the time of signing it was the largest peacetime tax increase in history.  And, the country recovered, and people were happy and that was his real job.

George Bush, Sr., say what you want about the man, but he was not going to let a little campaign promise get in the way of making the economy stronger, and the country better.  But, he wasn't going to forget his promises to huge companies that spent so much to get him elected.  But, who can blame a guy for that.

Along comes Bill Clinton.  A southern centrist Democrat.  He managed to balance the budget, and was widely believed to be tough on corporate taxes, but (among other things) he did lower the capital gains tax rate from 28% to 20%, he did this because he felt it would aid the country.  That was his main responsibility.

Of course, no body would ever try to accuse the second George Bush as being tough on corporate America.  He thought that was the best course of action in his role as captain of the economy.

A dangerous pattern begins to emerge.  Politicians seem more concerned with people of wealth, large, cash rich corporations, anybody who can throw a little money their way.

I was very sad, my opinion seemed to mean nothing, and my vote was wasted.

All of that changed one warm, fall day last year.  On my doorstep appeared a delightful young man, a member of the local city council.  He had been elected to the school board at 18, and the city council at 23.  He was running for state senate, and smiling brightly asked what I felt was important.  He said the concerns of the common man, the middle class, were his concerns.

I was delighted, thrilled, adrenaline coursed through my veins, and I got a little dizzy.  Here was a politician who wanted to help me.  Thank you, gods of election.

I couldn't decide what to ask for, so I thought quickly about my job, and how the company I was working for was so good to my whole family, in fact the families of every employee.

"I would like to see the NAFTA accord include China, it would help my employers (a locally owned, privately held, small business) so much."

He said that he understood, and felt small business was the catalyst of the whole economy.  "I will do everything in my power to help small business, and my constituents, if elected.”  He promised.

He was elected, and today I checked the progress on adding China to NAFTA.  There was none!

Another political heartbreak.  Bastards.

Putting America Back on Top.

There is a new trend among the upper middle class of America. They want to live happier, longer, more fulfilling lives.  Americans with some disposable income are outsourcing the more difficult parts of their days to cheaper third world labor.  Packing up their troubles in their old kit bag and shipping them to people who are willing to suffer the suffering gladly for a nominal fee. Which is helping some Americans live better.

“It started one morning when I had this sonofabitch of a sinus headache.  I thought to myself, man I would pay dearly if somebody else could take this and I could enjoy my latte, and digital newspaper.”  Ben Bilson tells us.  “I looked out the window and the guy was cleaning the pool, and I thought why not ask.  So, I went out and offered him a hondo (slang for $100.00) and he said ‘Que?’ so I explained it in a little more depth and showed him the hundred, and he agreed, haven’t had a headache since.  Best hundred I ever spent.”

Bilson thought about this, and came to the conclusion that “outsourcing,” long a scourge in American lexicon, could become a boon, not only to the economy, also to the quality of life in his country.

Acting quickly, he contacted some friends who ran a small company importing toys and pitched the idea to them. 

“You want us to contact our suppliers and ask them to take your headaches?!??”  They were incredulous. 

“No, no, no, not just headaches, and not just mine.  Lower back pain, hypertension, hair loss, gout, all of the modern plagues that are cursing everybody.  All of the really bothersome things that have led to such a decline in productivity, and are ruining the American Dream.”  Ben explained to his friends.  Still skeptical they agreed to approach some of their international vendors.

Not surprisingly, their suppliers were more than willing to take on the additional income.  Soon, people were exporting problems to third world hell holes in supertankers.  Huge boats filled with inconvenient maladies setting sail for India, China, Vietnam, Former Soviet countries.  Train cars filled to overflowing with minor, annoyances streamed south to Mexico.

Of course human rights organizations have been quick to take up arms against this.  Pictures of the world’s poor, walking around with migraines and impotence were running in papers and magazines around developed countries.  These were followed by huge fund raising dinners, people lined up to give money for third world Viagra, and and ointments to stop male pattern baldness from Juarez to Shanghai. 

American pharmaceutical companies were making money faster than they could carry it to the bank, and they had to lower the price of medicines, out of embarrassment.  American productivity sky rocketed, and soon Third World countries were importing American goods at record levels.  Not only had the goods become less expensive to produce, all of that money paid to "surrogate sufferers" made many former peasants very wealthy..

Inner city crime dropped in America, employment became the norm, and people were smiling so cheerfully on public transport that commuters were happy to be on the bus or train, blissfully anticipating work   .

Ben Bilson was given an honorary doctorate from Harvard, Yale, Stanford and Great Plains Community College in the Rural Midwest.  He still lives headache free.  So can you, for a price.