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Friday, July 11, 2014

Based On A True Story.

Last night "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" was released in select cities.  Since "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" was such a well liked movie here, at Life Explained, we thought we should look into the phenomenon.  Kind of Life Explains, explains movies.  It is a unique idea, apes with an increased intelligence, in a desperate war of extinction against the apex predator of the planet, humans.  It is only more intriguing when one remembers that human experimentation provided the advanced abilities of the apes.  It is such a compelling story we needed to find out more.

Imagine our shock when we found out it was based on a true story!  The proof was right there.  In classified documents, that we spent a great deal of effort sneaking out of the "Classified Documents" building, sparing no risk and investing a pretty good chunk of our own change.  We found out that some wacko in California (go figure) had invented a drug that would make people smarter.  He was worried about the potential side affects of having a bunch of smart people around, (who wouldn't be?) and decided to test it on apes.  Obviously he hadn't taken any himself, or he would have seen how dumb that idea was.

Soon, they were tying his shoelaces together, gluing his phone to the base, changing his screen saver to a picture of David Hasselhoff, ordering Chinese food, and pizza, throwing parties, and just livin' the heck out of life.  But, when they changed his ring tone to Justin Bieber that was too much, and he kicked them out.

Soon, California was overrun with intelligent apes. Several of them actually ran for office, since it was politics, no one noticed.  They had trouble with campaign financing, because the math makes no sense.  It baffled them how people would vote for someone who was so vague, and inaccurate that it was almost indecipherable. They were pretty smart, after all.  They gave up trying to take control that way, and chose a more aggressive approach.

They started to spread east.  Deserts, mountains, armies, traffic jams, nothing could stop them.  They were like an amoeba, everywhere.  Nothing slowed their inexorable march to the east.  They were like an amoeba, everywhere, all at once.  And nothing could slow them.

Until they got to Washington.  Our nations capitol is where many good plans go to die.  Apes careened down Constitution Avenue Northwest, storming through Stanton Park, crashing through, Ebenezers Coffee, only stopping long enough to have a espresso and a biscotti, they had heard such good things from politicians in California, they could not resist.

Then, things came to a crashing halt.  They were stuck in session, and riders were attached and voted down  There was bickering, back stabbing, name calling, childish accusations, and awful, terrible behavior (maybe that guy should have tried his intelligence drug on the houses of congress).  Being intelligent beings, they knew Washington was no place for them and they got on a boat, and left as quickly as they could.

One unnamed source (there are thousands of unnamed sources in Washington, it is the largest supplier of unnamed sources (and quotes from unnamed sources) in the world, maybe the whole universe) said he overheard "I don't care where we end up, as long as it isn't here."  They are pretty smart.