Based On A True Story.

Last night "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" was released in select cities.  Since "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" was such a well liked movie here, at Life Explained, we thought we should look into the phenomenon.  Kind of Life Explains, explains movies.  It is a unique idea, apes with an increased intelligence, in a desperate war of extinction against the apex predator of the planet, humans.  It is only more intriguing when one remembers that human experimentation provided the advanced abilities of the apes.  It is such a compelling story we needed to find out more.

Imagine our shock when we found out it was based on a true story!  The proof was right there.  In classified documents, that we spent a great deal of effort sneaking out of the "Classified Documents" building, sparing no risk and investing a pretty good chunk of our own change.  We found out that some wacko in California (go figure) had invented a drug that would make people smarter.  He was worried about the potential side affects of having a bunch of smart people around, (who wouldn't be?) and decided to test it on apes.  Obviously he hadn't taken any himself, or he would have seen how dumb that idea was.

Soon, they were tying his shoelaces together, gluing his phone to the base, changing his screen saver to a picture of David Hasselhoff, ordering Chinese food, and pizza, throwing parties, and just livin' the heck out of life.  But, when they changed his ring tone to Justin Bieber that was too much, and he kicked them out.

Soon, California was overrun with intelligent apes. Several of them actually ran for office, since it was politics, no one noticed.  They had trouble with campaign financing, because the math makes no sense.  It baffled them how people would vote for someone who was so vague, and inaccurate that it was almost indecipherable. They were pretty smart, after all.  They gave up trying to take control that way, and chose a more aggressive approach.

They started to spread east.  Deserts, mountains, armies, traffic jams, nothing could stop them.  They were like an amoeba, everywhere.  Nothing slowed their inexorable march to the east.  They were like an amoeba, everywhere, all at once.  And nothing could slow them.

Until they got to Washington.  Our nations capitol is where many good plans go to die.  Apes careened down Constitution Avenue Northwest, storming through Stanton Park, crashing through, Ebenezers Coffee, only stopping long enough to have a espresso and a biscotti, they had heard such good things from politicians in California, they could not resist.

Then, things came to a crashing halt.  They were stuck in session, and riders were attached and voted down  There was bickering, back stabbing, name calling, childish accusations, and awful, terrible behavior (maybe that guy should have tried his intelligence drug on the houses of congress).  Being intelligent beings, they knew Washington was no place for them and they got on a boat, and left as quickly as they could.

One unnamed source (there are thousands of unnamed sources in Washington, it is the largest supplier of unnamed sources (and quotes from unnamed sources) in the world, maybe the whole universe) said he overheard "I don't care where we end up, as long as it isn't here."  They are pretty smart.

Help Wanted.

We, here at Life Explained, are hiring a tertiary dog.  Yesterday our Fail Safe Redundant Dog retired, and moved to Washington.  She plans on opening a small bakery, specializing in animal crackers, and dog biscuits.  Bella performed the role of Fail Safe Dog admirably for her entire career, keeping us safe from our coworkers, tradesmen, delivery people, and anybody who happened to walk across our parking lot as she climbed out of the car.

So Long, Bella, it was nice
to work with you,

There was always a feeling of safety, and security when you heard Bella barking at one of the office workers on their way to get a cup of coffee.  You could almost hear "if you take the last cup and are too lazy to make another pot at least shut the darned thing off so it doesn't burn and stink up the whole stupid office, why I ought to," in her eloquent, refined yapping.

It will be hard to replace Bella, she was perfectly suited for the position, and performed at a remarkable level.  Her grace, charm, and wit will be sorely missed.

But, if you think you have what it takes to be the Redundant, Tertiary Dog, here at Life Explained, please send your resume to tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com.  Your main responsibilities will be; Barking randomly at people you know, getting scratched behind the ears, leaving about a half a dogs worth of hair everywhere you go, snacking and napping.  Pays based on experience, two weeks vacation, medical, dental, and time travel insurance included.

An equal opportunity employer.

Thank You,

It is time for a nation to breathe a collective sigh of relief.  Time to mop its collective brow, of the collective fear induced perspiration that has gathered during the collective trauma.  Time to raise a collective voice and say "Thank You, So Much, Elected Officials."

In what can only be considered a selfless act of compassion the houses of congress have decided to shut down the Federal Government.  What daring, what courage, what sacrifice.

"Yes, we shut down the government, it was the only decent thing to do."  They said.

To protect their constituents, and serve the needs of the country they have decided it was time to "pull the plug on the old girl.  In so many ways it is too bad Dr. Kevorkian has given up the ghost.  We could really use his services."  One insider was quoted as saying.

Really, it was the only humane thing to do, the government was suffering, and there really seemed no hope for any significant improvement.  Yes, they may have been able to make it comfortable for a short time, but the result was inevitable.  Systems were failing and the painful, pitiable, battle was drawing to an end.  There were just too many illnesses for one government to overcome.

In related news, Jane Goodall, who was considering studying the primitive life forms inhabiting the houses of congress, recently declared, "I will have to decline, they are too barbaric, and I would fear for my life."  Too bad, it would be nice if there were some explanation for their behavior.

Watching the watchers,

Wanted Full Time Babysitter

Location:  Washington DC, our nations capitol, the center of power.

Responsibilities:  Must be able to watch and DISCIPLINE all elected officials, their staff, and interns.  Sadly the situation has been unsupervised for so long that the childish antics and petulant behavior has reached shameful proportions.  If you have read "Lord of the Flies" think of that, with infants.  There is no cooperation, or compromise.

This is not a job for the timid, extensive use of "time outs" will be required, and it may be necessary to actually spank many of them right on their seats of power.

Please send resume, and picture of time out stool, and spanking belt to "we, the people."

Thank you, From Washington.

Since people are do not seem to be suffering enough with the Sequester Budget Cuts, congress has passed an emergency measure requiring people to turn their clocks ahead 2 hours.

Thank you,

Your Elected Officials