Technology, Decisions and the Government

Nothing is easy. We got a new iPad Pro for Christmas. We don’t really have computers, the iPad is enough. More than enough in many ways. I can do anything I want on my iPad, more than I want, really, sometimes not as much as I should, if you get my drift. I need a keyboard, though, and it it between the Logitech Slim Combo, and the Apple Smart Keyboard. 

I know there are people who hate Apple and I have no quarrel with that. I know there are people who hate Microsoft, and I’m ok with that, too.

In fact, I read a theory that Bill Gates is secretly funding a program (pogrom?) to reduce the population to a more sustainable level. It provided a number, though I don’t remember what it was, and I assume it provided a reason, but I didn’t read the whole thing, just the tag line. It seems a little suspect that a man who made his fortune selling software to the masses is trying to eliminate the largest majority of his market. 

I’m sure there are people who hate Google, and I can live with that. I don’t know much about Google. I do “google” things but mostly I use Safari, or Microsoft Edge. I still call it “googling.” I hope that isn’t violating some copyright law. I did see thee the big Kahuna from Google, I can’t think of his name, facing the Senate version of an inquisition. Which really turned into a partisan free for all and blame fest, which accomplished nothing but made for excellent facebook videos. It is hard for a minor associate of a small company (me) to say how much responsibility is carried on the shoulders of the CEO of Google, but he had to find the whole thing an enormous waste of time. I was impressed with the dignity and restraint he showed during the circus, though.

There are a lot of people who hate Facebook, too. My friend, who has never had a Facebook account, told me that “Facebook is for sheeple.” I’m not sure how he formed this opinion, or what the qualifications for inclusion into sheeplehood are, but I like Facebook. I think I might like it more if it was only a little better, and maybe I just don’t understand how to make it work. Sometimes I see things I don’t want to see, and sometimes I see things that make me smile. I’m just not sure there is enough balance. But, I do remember when the CEO of Facebook had to face a congressional grilling.  I thought he handled it very well. 

It wasn’t that long ago, thinking back, that congress “looked” into performance enhancing drugs being used by Major League Baseball players. Man, they gave them a good what for. Thank God our government is on the job. Think of how bad things could be if they weren’t taking care of all the important stuff. 

Anyway, I think I will go with the Logitech Slim Combo. Mostly because of the backlit keys, and I do somethings the morning or in the evening. Thanks for helping me decide.

Another Day, Another Humiliation.

This week our president was reported as having said something awful about impoverished third world countries.  He wondered why there were so many immigrants from these countries facing such awful circumstances. Reportedly he said we need more immigrants from countries that are doing well financially. The implication was we should have immigrants that really have no need to immigrate. 

Maybe we could have our INS agents sneak into wealthier countries and spirit a few of the more successful professionals from select European countries back to the US. Of course, then we can use some people from the other countries, the poor countries, to clean their houses, tend their gardens and make sure they don’t escape back to whatever paradise they were liberated from. 

Of course we will have to alter the wording on the Statue of Liberty, something along the lines of “give us your educated, successful, self-sufficient, or we will come for them.” 

In a surprising display of unity a couple of  republicans rushed to the president’s defense, after a couple of days.

“I was in town that day, and I did not hear the president say that.”  A senator I can’t remember from a state that escapes my memory for the moment.

“When?” The reporter asked.

“When what?” The senator asked, back.

“When didn’t you hear the president call several poor, unfortunate countries a toilet?”  The reporter rolled his eyes toward the heavens for strength.

“At the meeting.” The senator replied.

“Was that the only time he didn’t say it?”

“No, I never, always, didn’t hear him say that.”

“Thanks, we are all out of time.”

“No, thank you,” “No I insist, thank you,” “No, thank you, damnit,” On and on. 

Meanwhile American credibility falls around the world. The president is not welcome in London, the capitol of our staunchest ally. People look to China, Germany, and Russia for stability, and Nero tweets. It was nice while it lasted.

Action, Louder

When I young the US government seemed a terrifying, monstrous thing. Filled with unscrupulous, shady characters making backroom deals. Hammering away, night and day. A constant, inexorable, boundless shadow, casting a pall over the country. Caring little for the lives of individuals, sacrificing constituency for personal gain, and occasionally progress. Now, though, it seems less Kafka, and more Keystone Kops.

It is, somewhat, a delightful relief.  Imagine being certain your every move was being analyzed, and recorded. Motives dissected, examined, and quantified, every action a point on a line chart, imposed over the backdrop of expectations, who wants that kind of scrutiny.  Then, picture discovering the organization that you assumed was able to watch your every move is a giant clown mini van, filled with tired, bickering, U7 soccer players after a long day baking under the summer sun.  Tired, cranky, demanding children who have no desire or motive save misbehaving.

Recently, I read of a freshman senator penning a letter to the Ayatollah Khamenei. In this letter he told the leader of this country that he and his fellow senators would not ratify any treaty signed and approved by the President, the Leader of Iran, and the allies and other negotiating parties, and at the very least were going to modify the agreement. Saying, in effect, the International Community who has worked to come to an agreement should have talked to them first.

Certainly, this is not questioning the sincerity, or authenticity of concern. There are many questions that need answered, and everybody who has a stake in seeing the world become a safer place has the right to know. But, it does seem a little demanding, petulant, cranky.

It does raise a very good question, too. Why not get the houses of congress involved, they have done such a remarkable job improving the conditions in America, after all.  They are so good at compromise, and deal making.  If you have any doubts just look at their recent record, stellar, they should be involved in everything.

We are coming after you.

Why stop there, though?  We should all have a say in these things.  We are officially announcing the Life Explained World Improvement Initiative (LEWII, we are the Kingsmen when you need them?).  We are banding together and starting a letter writing campaign to the heads of foreign governments, large corporations, television officials, movie producers, game designers, actors, anybody, anywhere, that grates on our nerves, putting them on notice that their behavior will no longer be tolerated.  We don't (collectively) like the cut of their jib (cumulatively).

We are also thinking of starting a Facebook page, a Twitter page, a Tumblr, a blog, and a YouTube channel (mostly because we have to find a use for that $6.00 or $7.00 app (we can not remember for sure) before someones wife finds out how much it cost).*

If lines are not toed, t's are not crossed, i's are not dotted, in a way of which we approve, we will retaliate in awesome, terrible ways.  The world will feel our wrath, and tremble before our might, we will have our say. And maybe somebody elses say, as well, we have a lot of rage, and very little to be too angry about, so if you have a complaint, let us handle it for you.  Just email us at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com, and somebody will be sorry, the first one is free.

*We are still working on Life Explained, the Movie.  It is a big production, and it will take some time. Don't despair, at least until you watch it.

Mid Terms, Our Big Chance.

Mid term elections are now heating up, and the insults, innuendo and accusations are beginning to fly.  Up to this point it has almost seemed lackadaisical, or at least inconsistent, almost polite.  No more, though, it is full swing, and the hate is evident.

Each candidate, more accurately each candidate's proxy, PAC or party apparatus is desperately trying to convince voters of the incompetence, and potentially criminal activity of the opponent.  One can only assume it is much easier to compel people to believe the bad.  "How could you possibly elect my opponent, he is so much worse?"

After only a couple of days we have decided that we, here at Life Explained, a company of sane, rational, productive, tax paying citizens of this nation, can not possibly waste our vote on any of these awful, despicable felons.  In fact we are not sure they are wholesome enough, have the mental acuity, and moral faculties to clean bathrooms in Hell.

Of course, we are still committed to fulfilling our obligations in this grand experiment known as the United States.  As Charles de Montesquieu said, so conveniently appropriate for the sake of this blog post, "the tyranny of a prince in an oligarchy is not so dangerous to the public welfare as the apathy of a citizen in a democracy."  Well said, Mr Montesquieu, well said.

So, we have decided, since we need to vote, all of us, here at Life Explained, we are going to run Dr. Dawg in every race, in every district in which one of our fine employees, here at Life Explained, lives.

Needless to say, this is going to be very expensive, television ads, campaign staff, and all.  So, please, for the sake of our country, give generously to the "Dr. Dawg (please fill in seat, judgeship, school board, or any  elected  position here).  It  is your civic duty.  Remember, vote for Dr. Dawg, it is your only hope.

Based On A True Story.

Last night "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" was released in select cities.  Since "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" was such a well liked movie here, at Life Explained, we thought we should look into the phenomenon.  Kind of Life Explains, explains movies.  It is a unique idea, apes with an increased intelligence, in a desperate war of extinction against the apex predator of the planet, humans.  It is only more intriguing when one remembers that human experimentation provided the advanced abilities of the apes.  It is such a compelling story we needed to find out more.

Imagine our shock when we found out it was based on a true story!  The proof was right there.  In classified documents, that we spent a great deal of effort sneaking out of the "Classified Documents" building, sparing no risk and investing a pretty good chunk of our own change.  We found out that some wacko in California (go figure) had invented a drug that would make people smarter.  He was worried about the potential side affects of having a bunch of smart people around, (who wouldn't be?) and decided to test it on apes.  Obviously he hadn't taken any himself, or he would have seen how dumb that idea was.

Soon, they were tying his shoelaces together, gluing his phone to the base, changing his screen saver to a picture of David Hasselhoff, ordering Chinese food, and pizza, throwing parties, and just livin' the heck out of life.  But, when they changed his ring tone to Justin Bieber that was too much, and he kicked them out.

Soon, California was overrun with intelligent apes. Several of them actually ran for office, since it was politics, no one noticed.  They had trouble with campaign financing, because the math makes no sense.  It baffled them how people would vote for someone who was so vague, and inaccurate that it was almost indecipherable. They were pretty smart, after all.  They gave up trying to take control that way, and chose a more aggressive approach.

They started to spread east.  Deserts, mountains, armies, traffic jams, nothing could stop them.  They were like an amoeba, everywhere.  Nothing slowed their inexorable march to the east.  They were like an amoeba, everywhere, all at once.  And nothing could slow them.

Until they got to Washington.  Our nations capitol is where many good plans go to die.  Apes careened down Constitution Avenue Northwest, storming through Stanton Park, crashing through, Ebenezers Coffee, only stopping long enough to have a espresso and a biscotti, they had heard such good things from politicians in California, they could not resist.

Then, things came to a crashing halt.  They were stuck in session, and riders were attached and voted down  There was bickering, back stabbing, name calling, childish accusations, and awful, terrible behavior (maybe that guy should have tried his intelligence drug on the houses of congress).  Being intelligent beings, they knew Washington was no place for them and they got on a boat, and left as quickly as they could.

One unnamed source (there are thousands of unnamed sources in Washington, it is the largest supplier of unnamed sources (and quotes from unnamed sources) in the world, maybe the whole universe) said he overheard "I don't care where we end up, as long as it isn't here."  They are pretty smart.

Dateline: Washington DC

In surprise news from the capital elected officials did nothing to solve the deadlock, end the government shutdown, or even ameliorate the anxiety caused by the sequester cuts.

Meetings are not scheduled, phone calls are not planned, emails are un-typed, and progress is not being made in a dramatic fashion.  In unrelated news several large conference rooms are available for rent, cheap, in the capitol building.  "Hey, we're not using them, and they would be great for weddings, bar mitzvahs, or family reunions, " one elected official (who would only identify himself as "crazy Bob, the Capitol's Best Realtor) said "but, you will need to clean them yourselves, all of the janitors are furloughed."

"We were elected to lead this great nation," one congress person told us, anonymously, "and that is what we are doing.  Don't blame us if it looks a little silly from the outside.  Hey, I was a dentist, before being elected, and there were no classes in national governance, and finance, international cooperation, or consensus building among disparate ideologies in dental school, and nobody gave us any directions when we got here (in fact they were kind of sanctimonious jerks).  We are just kind of winging it.  They all think it is so easy, maybe they should try it once in a while.  Ingrate constituents, anyway.  I tell you this is like pulling teeth."

The forecast for today, expect torrential downpours of pointing fingers, flurries of childish, petulant behavior and gusts of complete disregard for responsibility.

Tune in tomorrow, when I will predict (within 2 points) the winner and the point spread of tonight's NFL game between two teams, whose names escape me for the moment.  I think it is the Millionaires vs the Filthy Rich. but I will investigate further.

Austerity Measures.

Due to the cutbacks forced by the government shutdown the patrol of the national parks and monuments is being handled by UAVs (Unmanned Aerial Vehicles).  This move alone will provide enough savings to pay the salary of 2.5 Congress people.  Fortunately, there are .5 congress people scattered throughout the Capital.

Caution will be needed while in the vicinity of any of these, the programmers and all of the senior operators have been furloughed.  You see, these cutbacks are hard on everyone.

Please feel free to move about the country, but keep your eyes looking toward the skies.  We all need to make sacrifices.

The time is now.

It is imperative in times of national turmoil that we pull together as a nation.  We need unity, and cooperation if the country is going to pull through these difficult times.  There are so many wonderful things happening in our great land why let a few differences rip us apart?

We should all come together, make amends and move forward.  There are many challenges that offer our country the opportunity to go beyond the most significant goals we have ever reached.  There are unique possibilities for working in unison, toiling together to overcome the difficulties, that should be pulling us closer, not pitting us against each other.

New potential achievements await at every turn, we can climb so high, together.  Now is the time for action.

If only my learned colleagues from the other party could see how stupid they are acting, if only they weren't so stupid.

Signed,

Any member, either house of Congress.

PS, please forward my pay checks to my vacation home in Belize, where I will be serving the needs of my constituents, one fruity, delicious, umbrella carrying drink at a time.

Thank You,

It is time for a nation to breathe a collective sigh of relief.  Time to mop its collective brow, of the collective fear induced perspiration that has gathered during the collective trauma.  Time to raise a collective voice and say "Thank You, So Much, Elected Officials."

In what can only be considered a selfless act of compassion the houses of congress have decided to shut down the Federal Government.  What daring, what courage, what sacrifice.

"Yes, we shut down the government, it was the only decent thing to do."  They said.

To protect their constituents, and serve the needs of the country they have decided it was time to "pull the plug on the old girl.  In so many ways it is too bad Dr. Kevorkian has given up the ghost.  We could really use his services."  One insider was quoted as saying.

Really, it was the only humane thing to do, the government was suffering, and there really seemed no hope for any significant improvement.  Yes, they may have been able to make it comfortable for a short time, but the result was inevitable.  Systems were failing and the painful, pitiable, battle was drawing to an end.  There were just too many illnesses for one government to overcome.

In related news, Jane Goodall, who was considering studying the primitive life forms inhabiting the houses of congress, recently declared, "I will have to decline, they are too barbaric, and I would fear for my life."  Too bad, it would be nice if there were some explanation for their behavior.

Watching the watchers,

Wanted Full Time Babysitter

Location:  Washington DC, our nations capitol, the center of power.

Responsibilities:  Must be able to watch and DISCIPLINE all elected officials, their staff, and interns.  Sadly the situation has been unsupervised for so long that the childish antics and petulant behavior has reached shameful proportions.  If you have read "Lord of the Flies" think of that, with infants.  There is no cooperation, or compromise.

This is not a job for the timid, extensive use of "time outs" will be required, and it may be necessary to actually spank many of them right on their seats of power.

Please send resume, and picture of time out stool, and spanking belt to "we, the people."

Thank you, From Washington.

Since people are do not seem to be suffering enough with the Sequester Budget Cuts, congress has passed an emergency measure requiring people to turn their clocks ahead 2 hours.

Thank you,

Your Elected Officials

Hope is on the way!