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Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Life Explains the Road to Success.

Aching for that promotion? Dying to get ahead? Willing to sabotage the brakes on a co-workers car to get that "Dream Job?" Of course you are, that is why you are here, at the Life Explained Correspondence Course for Applied Management. And that was a wise move, too. We have been climbing the corporate ladder since it was a tree.

Getting that promotion is easy. Anybody with an internet connection, a photo manipulation app, and a little imagination can quickly outmaneuver others in the great getting ahead sweepstakes. A few well placed pictures of your closest rival doing something that could be misconstrued as underhanded is all it will take.

Take this picture, for example. A little edit, add it to the company facebook page with the caption, "Check out Dr. Dawg skulking through the Pentagon looking for military secrets to sell to foreign nationals for serious money. What an adorable little entrepreneur." This removes a competitor from even being considered for your job.*

But, what are you going to do when you get that job and the terrifying, terrible realization that you don't have a snowballs chance in hell of ever getting anything right. What will you do when the awful truth that you have reached the "limits of your incompetence"?

Don't worry. We are here to save you, again.

Try these simple things.
  1. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You are still learning, after all. "Hey, would you file this report for me, I am not sure how,,I am new, after all." After they say sure, but before they can add something along the lines of I will be glad to show you how it is done. Say "Great, it needs to be researched, written, edited, proofed, and rewritten, and it has to be done by 11:59 tonight."
  2. Attend every meeting, whether you are welcome or not. They might have donuts, for one thing. Plus, you want people to get used to seeing you, Remember frequency can be directly converted to longevity in the feeble, fevered minds of corporate lackeys. "Oh, yeah, that guy has been here forever."
  3. Don't be afraid to trumpet your accomplishments, even if they are fiction. When someone talks about how feverishly they have been working on a difficult budget breakdown tell them you have been building a fence around St. Mary's Cathedral to keep the giant rats from eating the parishioners. Of course the CEO asked you to "volunteer." If questioned about the accuracy of your claims (what a bunch of paranoid losers, anyway) show them your appendectomy scar. It is completely unrelated, but it makes people so uncomfortable they shut the hell up in a big damned hurry.
That is enough for one day. It is time for a cheese danish, a big cup of coffee and a power nap. Tune in tomorrow for the best way to win inter office battles over the thermostat, or "how to put the competition on ice."

Thank you,

The Life Explained Division of Education.

*For more helpful tips like this check out our new book "Getting ahead for Dummies, who don't mind cheating a lying."