Now Hiring; Visionary, and Accountant,

Recently, we, here at Life Explained©, have entered into negotiations with a visionary. For the most part things are going very well, but it is always tempting to believe he knows our offer beforehand, though we are not really sure that is what a visionary does. Seeing the future would be a significant portion of the individual responsibilities. It might not include detail so minute as dollars (which are numerous) and sense (which is slight).

Until we can get this visionary hired we have decided to work on training a staff member. Not an easy task, either. There are not a lot of concrete steps outlined in the making of a seer. Most of it seems like a lot of hocus pocus crap to us. We like to keep an open mind though, and started resolutely approaching the perfecting of intuition.

We started with three cards, an ace, a seven and a queen, and asked our "volunteer" to guess which one was being held to his forehead. One out of three, even a skeptic should be able to get it right 30% of the time. Not our "volunteer," he missed it every time. We threw out the seven and he still missed the card, every time, not one right answer.

We started getting a little frustrated, and added a "carrot and stick" approach. We used a fudge
brownie, though, after deciding a carrot really was not much of a reward. A stick seemed like a reasonable incentive though.

Still, he couldn't get one right. Even after we started giving him hints, "it isn't the ace, bob," and all he did was sob. And, we hit him with the stick, again. And then he quit, and then he hired a lawyer, what a whiny little sniveler, after all we did for him. Good help is so hard to find.

So, we are still trying to find a visionary, and now we need a new accountant. Send your resumes to, well, send them where you think you should, if you're right, you're hired.

Life Explains the Road to Success.

Aching for that promotion? Dying to get ahead? Willing to sabotage the brakes on a co-workers car to get that "Dream Job?" Of course you are, that is why you are here, at the Life Explained Correspondence Course for Applied Management. And that was a wise move, too. We have been climbing the corporate ladder since it was a tree.

Getting that promotion is easy. Anybody with an internet connection, a photo manipulation app, and a little imagination can quickly outmaneuver others in the great getting ahead sweepstakes. A few well placed pictures of your closest rival doing something that could be misconstrued as underhanded is all it will take.

Take this picture, for example. A little edit, add it to the company facebook page with the caption, "Check out Dr. Dawg skulking through the Pentagon looking for military secrets to sell to foreign nationals for serious money. What an adorable little entrepreneur." This removes a competitor from even being considered for your job.*

But, what are you going to do when you get that job and the terrifying, terrible realization that you don't have a snowballs chance in hell of ever getting anything right. What will you do when the awful truth that you have reached the "limits of your incompetence"?

Don't worry. We are here to save you, again.

Try these simple things.

1. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You are still learning, after all. "Hey, would you file this report for me, I am not sure how,,I am new, after all." After they say sure, but before they can add something along the lines of I will be glad to show you how it is done. Say "Great, it needs to be researched, written, edited, proofed, and rewritten, and it has to be done by 11:59 tonight."
2. Attend every meeting, whether you are welcome or not. They might have donuts, for one thing. Plus, you want people to get used to seeing you, Remember frequency can be directly converted to longevity in the feeble, fevered minds of corporate lackeys. "Oh, yeah, that guy has been here forever."
3. Don't be afraid to trumpet your accomplishments, even if they are fiction. When someone talks about how feverishly they have been working on a difficult budget breakdown tell them you have been building a fence around St. Mary's Cathedral to keep the giant rats from eating the parishioners. Of course the CEO asked you to "volunteer." If questioned about the accuracy of your claims (what a bunch of paranoid losers, anyway) show them your appendectomy scar. It is completely unrelated, but it makes people so uncomfortable they shut the hell up in a big damned hurry.

That is enough for one day. It is time for a cheese danish, a big cup of coffee and a power nap. Tune in tomorrow for the best way to win inter office battles over the thermostat, or "how to put the competition on ice."

Thank you,

The Life Explained Division of Education.

*For more helpful tips like this check out our new book "Getting ahead for Dummies, who don't mind cheating a lying."

Working Out, A Great Idea.

Mike, my cousin, or as we know him in the family, Beautiful Mike, or as some of his Facebook Friends seem to know him, Stubborn Mike, asked for "gym motivation tips."  He is trying to find a way to talk himself into going back to the gym and working out.  My tip was to tell everybody he knows he is going and he is going to make them all pay dearly when he reaches sufficient macho, masculine beefy, testosterone fueled meanness.  Only part of it was a joke.

Threatening people is a bad idea, just read the "Guns of August."  But, telling everybody you are going to start working out is a great idea.  When I decided to quit smoking I told everybody, then I really had to give it my best effort.  Nobody wants to answer the question, "how are you today?" with;

"Oh, I am a miserable failure, I tried to quit smoking but only lasted for a couple of hours before I rushed out, bought a carton and three disposable lighters, (one glows in the dark, just in case) my nerves were shot, and I was an emotional basket case." 

"Wow, I am very sorry to hear that.  Do you want me to leave room for cream, or sugar in your coffee, sir?"  That is so humiliating, trust me, I know. 

So telling people you are working out is a good way to get yourself to the gym.  After a few visits it is easy.  You want to go, it is like an addiction.  It makes you feel good.  It is hard not to go.  Last night was Monday, and I had not been there since Friday, and I was happy walking in the door.  

Unfortunately, it was packed with people and I had to use a recumbent exercise bike.  It was my first time on that machine, with luck it will be my last.  As soon as an elliptical machine was open I made the move.  Having hit my target heart rate twice on each machine, and maintaining it for quite a while, I felt good.  

I added at least thirty pounds to each of the resistance machines, and tried a new exercise.  Instead of pusing the levers forward on the Pec Fly machine you face the other direction and pull backward, working on something in your upper back, or shoulders, or something else, I am not sure.  It did not go very well.  Either I was doing something drastically wrong, or need a lot of work on the upper back, shoulder, or other portion.  

Working out, if done correctly, is also a great educational tool.  Last night the podcast covered the ancient Assyrian army.  A lethal, efficient, brutal, efficient organization.  Assyria was the first Middle Eastern Empire to maintain a standing army.  Before that it was more like a seasonal gig for farmers in the off season.  Idle hands are the devils plaything, right?  So, put the farmers to work attacking another country.  Plant, grow, harvest, invade (or defend), repeat.

Assyria was also one of the first armies to master siege craft.  Walls were the weapons of choice for most City States of the time, and they were mostly successful.  Not against the Assyrians, though.

Anyway, whatever it takes, get started, that is the hard part.  Continuing is easy, fun, and will help you live a longer, better life.  And, if you do it right, you might even learn something.

Fridays with the Treadmill

Last night was Gym night, and honestly it is getting better. It is not getting easier, because each night I push a little harder. I have raised my target heart rate, significantly, and maintain it longer. Which means working until my lungs burn, and breathing is difficult.

Don't, ever, under any circumstances, let the machine, in this case a treadmill, dictate your workout. Last night, thinking it was time to take the next step, I chose "Zone Training" and the machine asked me for my age, I typed in fifty five, (not my real age (ok it is my real age)), and there was an odd noise, and a slight shake, the treadmill had laughed, softly, maliciously, and the digital display offered a suggestion for a target heart rate, which was about 115. After pressing the "OK" button we started, the treadmill and I were off.

With the program choosing the pace I was free to choose a song. In this case "Bright Lights, Big City" by Them, a band Van Morrison was with during the Sixties. I bought the album "Still on Top – The Greatest Hits" from Amazon, and this song was on there, along with one of my favorite versions of "Baby Please Don't Go."  It is a great song. In fact, I have decided to collect different versions. There are probably dozens of artists who have recorded "Baby, Please Don't Go," and I am on a quest to find all the copies that appeal to me,. Let me know if you have a version that you enjoy.

Anyway, the machine started slowly, letting me warm up. Then it increased the speed and steepened the incline, and I when I took my hand off the heartrate sensor to wipe the sweat from my forehead. it flashed,angrily and obnoxiously enough to cause a seizure, "REPLACE HAND ON HEARTRATE SENSOR!" I did, and the machine upped the speed, and the incline. Soon, the incline was as steep as possible.  It was like running up the side of a building. Van Morrison was spelling "G L O R I A, Gloria" in my ears, and it was miserable, not the song, the workout.  The song was great.

When I hit the target heartrate, gasping, sweating, lungs, legs, and oxygen deprived brain burning, the machine said "New Target Heartrate 136"  I think, my vision was a little blurry, it might have been the sweat pouring down my face.  The machine was giggling, shaking malevolently, or maybe I was having tremors it is hard to say. I pressed the button that said "Cool Down" wiped the sweat from my face.  After my heartrate dropped into the seventies we did it again, the treadmill and I, repeating it two more times. The first attendant told me to do that, she called it interval training.  And my wife told me she was serious about exercise, and very knowledgeable about training.

After a stop to clean the treadmill, hey we are not animals after all, and a refreshing drink of water, I was off the resistance machines. Last night I kept track of what I did, using Wunderlist. When it becomes more impressive I will post a screen shot on here, but now it looks kind of wimpy, and painfully small. But I did add another machine with "leg extensions," Though I know I need to work harder, add more weight, and push a little more, I feel good about that.

In fact, I feel good about myself, there is a euphoric lift from exercise, and I am glad I started. This was smart. If you are thinking about trying it, you should, trust me, I am no athlete, but am so glad I started. You will be also.8

Fitness, for the aging, and the unfit.

Of course we can never be too safe, there are problems and potential disasters everywhere.  Nobody will live forever, probably, though Doctor Dawg is working on some stuff right now that might...  I shouldn't say anything else.  Every day can be a struggle, with the forces of evil (in the form of old age, senility, heart disease, and who knows what else) closing in fast.  We need to stay active, keep our strength up, and present a moving target for all that life is going to throw our way.  There are several options for the recently not so young anymore.  Today we will discuss several.

You could take a dance class, some high intensity hip hop thing with weighted gloves, and loud music, and poor ventilation.  These are offered in many places and the cost is normally quite affordable.  Of course, the music is not really for older folk, like us.  So, you will need to be open minded.  And there are going to be many people who don't wiggle, shake and shimmy like a flesh colored wave experiment with each bounce and jump and lunge.  So you will need to be self confident.  And, you will probably need to bring your own oxygen, most of these kids at these things can still breathe after what will be the most awful, torturous, terrible forty five minutes of your life.  As you lay there steeping in a puddle of your own sweat, barely able to move, and trying to gasp out "hey, can I borrow a smoke, or a defibrillator, I don't care which?" they will step casually over your prone, limp, almost lifeless body, talking about how excited they are to get to spin class.  You will be too tired and your arms to stiff and sore to even trip one of the smug, arrogant punks.  But, those are not for everybody.

Martial Arts is another fine option.  Learning self defense and discipline while toning and slimming.  Dreams of Walking Tall, Billy Jack, and Enter the Dragon dancing through your head you sign up and write your check.  Things go great, until the first shoulder separation, ouch, "sorry, but could you cut up my baked, boneless, skinless chicken?  My arm is so sore."  And then the broken toes, and at such an advanced age they are debilitating.  Sprained ankles, deep tissue bruises, and a cracked rib, soon you need a walker, and not the cool Star Wars kind, the lame, old people version.  "I am taking my lawyer to class next week, I will show them self defense!"  Maybe you should look into something else.

I started walking during my lunch break.  So far there have been no incidents, but I will keep you posted.  Of course if I walk past too many bakeries it may not be all that slimming.  Here are the maps of my first two days, complete with pictures.  Today, I am heading south, and a little east, I hear there is a place over there that makes cupcakes that are so good grown men weep, openly, and fall to their knees in rapture.  That is a good cupcake.

Doctor Dawg tackles adult remedial education.

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