A little Holiday Advice, from a Trusted Source.

Thanksgiving is over, thank God, now we can start getting ready for Christmas. Actually it is socially acceptable to begin preparations when Halloween is over. The trick is to blend Thanksgiving and Christmas into one long celebration. It is not a good idea to advertise that kind of thinking. Wiser to just kind of mumble it in. Try "Happy ThanksChristmas, here is my gift list."

Running the words together is your left jab, preoccupying your opponent, putting them off balance, making them doubt what they heard. Before they have time to regroup, question the statement you strike with the right cross! the Christmas List. All they can do is stutter a thank you, and ask what you have planned for the holidays.

Of course it is vital that your list is complete, with a spreadsheet comparing prices, at several stores, with directions to each. Phone numbers, and web site addresses are optional, but it is recommended.

Also, you want to have several lists, with different items, you don't want any of those morons you call friends, or family doubling up on that new Xbox Whatever They Call It.*

It is also important to remember that there are people who want to buy you something but are having a rough time, maybe experiencing a financial setback. Make sure there are plenty of less expensive items on there for those losers too. It is Christmas after all.

Of course, after careful consideration, and a thorough examination of my lists we might need to celebrate Happy Independence Christmas next year.

Anyway, enjoy shopping, buy lots of stuff, and don't forget to send your favorite Holiday Shopping Madness pictures to me.


* I don't suggest telling people exactly what they should give you. People can resent that.

Summer Solstice, an important day, through the ages.

According to the television weather person this morning it is the first full day of summer. Summer is filled with happy memories, and we, here at Life Explained, love it. Of course, it was kicked off by Father's Day... wait, that isn't right, it was kicked off by the Summer Solstice.

During the June Solstice (Summer in the Northern Hemisphere, and Winter in the Southern) the sun is at it's furthest distance from the Equator.  The Earth's north pole is tilted directly towards the sun, at about 23.5 degrees. Which explains why all of the stuff kept sliding off the table yesterday, and the stairs seemed a little more difficult to climb.

Throughout the ages the Solstice has been a magical, mystical time.  People have celebrated by giving expensive, wonderful gifts to their Father... wait, hold on that isn't right. In Europe, people used to celebrate the Solstice by lighting fires to keep away the evil spirits. 

The ancient Egyptians felt the Summer Solstice was particularly important because it ushered in Sirius the brightest star in the night sky.  Shortly after the appearance of Sirius the Nile would overflow and flood the lands, which nourished the soil, and provided much of the food the Egyptians needed to survive. Obviously, the Egyptians were very good to their Father, giving him many wonderful gifts to celebrate...  wait, that wasn't what happened, at all.  As soon as the the Egyptian priests saw Sirius they declared the new year had begun.

China, Mesopotamia, Europe, the Americas, all had unique, spiritual celebrations for the the Solstice, in fact many people believe Stonehenge was built as a gift for the Druids daddio... wait, that isn't what anybody thinks.  Many people still believe that Stonehenge was built to predict the arrival of the Solstice.  Nobody had an Apple watch in those days, which would make an excellent gift, you know.

That concludes today's lesson on The Summer Solstice.  Tune in tomorrow when we discuss the do's and dont's of Fourth of July gift giving, or Don't forget Dad a true American Hero.

Christmas, the Gamble.

Christmas is here and the Jolly old Elf has come and gone.  So far, we here at Life Explained, (#lifeexplained) are still tallying the results.  So far, though,  it seems that all of our extraordinarily good behavior may not have paid off.  It is very a very complex formula, shown here with pictures to make you more comfortable.  But, as we look back on the effort we have spent it is clear it did not make economic sense to behave so well.

We are afraid that spells big trouble for the world next year.  It was not easy saving the world.  And we did it constantly.  There were alien invasions, ancient armies traveling to our time, robot monsters, vampires, werewolves, all bent on the complete destruction of mankind.   Who stopped them?  That's right, we did.  You're welcome.

Plus, we have perfected the intergalactic radio transponder, to signal alien civilizations.  We have the worlds only functional time travel machine.  Our robot factory is running almost non-stop, and our occult research department is making great strides...  Never mind all that, though.

Straight from Dr. Dawg

Just rest assured there is still time to make amends, Santa, if you turn your little sleigh and eight tiny reindeer around and come up with some new iPads, and maybe a new television, and an Xbox one, with some cool games, we might be convinced to try one more year.  It's up to you.

Shopping Trauma.

Monday, back at work, safely hidden behind the solid red brick walls of the 100 year old building.  In here things are hectic, time is skewed by the dual reality of the products, and the need to finish everything before the artificial deadline imposed by the holiday.  But, out there, beyond the rock solid, impenetrable walls of this sanctuary, things are mad.  Christmas has taken hold of people.  It has twisted minds.  People are so intent on spreading good cheer they will kill.

We were out there yesterday.  My wife and I went to finish up some shopping.  A few small details to be finished.  Traffic was awful.  Parking was awful.  Cars were circling, bird of prey like, around the lot.  Waiting for someone to leave.  Three or four cars would follow anybody foolish enough to carry shopping bags to their car.  In some cases the people would put the bags in the car, hydrate briefly and head back inside, willing to fight on.  Anger would fog the windows and you could hear the cursing.  Some cars would bulge a little at the doors as the rage tried to escape.

In the stores the conditions were no better.  Macy's was packed.  It was a scene from "Day of the Dead."  Madness ruled the consumer.  People were grabbing bargains, regardless of usefulness.  It was better to get a good deal on something that had no value to you personally than let someone else have it.  Act quickly or leave with nothing, those were the choices.

Most of the day I hid behind my wife.  She is fearless in the fray.  But, there were a few tense moments when we became separated by the flow.  I would rush to catch up, and fall in step behind her.  One horrible time I stopped to look at something, something pointless, something that had no relevance, but the price was so good, maybe we should get a couple, maybe someone we know would like one, maybe we could give it to...  Oh no, the disease was after me now!!!

Looking frantically around I spotted my wife, a couple of aisles over, looking at shirts for our sons.  I rushed to her, she was a rock, and island in the ocean of insane, holidayness.  Unfortunately, I cut the corner a little too sharply, it was a mad dash.  After bumping a young, well dressed young man, I stopped, and turned to face him to apologize for brushing against him.  It was only a mistake in trajectory, and he should know I had no malice.  Imagine my terror when I discovered he was headless.  I panicked, looking around for the head I had knocked off this poor, very nattily dressed young man.

I was so relieved to discover it was only a mannequin!  But, then I wondered what happened to the mannequins head.  I looked around at the shoppers in their garish, gaudy, festive holiday gear.  Who had ripped the head off this mannequin.  What kind of person?  Why?  Had someone used it as a bludgeon.  In a mad dash for the last muffler mitten set anything is fair.  Looking around, I had no doubt most of these holiday shoppers would use a mannequins head to beat a person into submission over a pair of appropriately priced pajamas.

When I reached my wife I said "stay close to me, I will protect you."  She laughed a little and said "OK."

Who are you calling a fool? Me, oh, ok.

April Fool's Day, at long last.  A time to celebrate the fool in all of us.  Some people are blessed with a little extra foolishness, an irresponsible overdrive switch that takes them into outside the norm.  Today is the day to thank them.  Without them, the world would be a much sadder place.

So if you know a fool, or are married to a fool, and here I am talking to my wife, take this opportunity to show your appreciation with a nice gift.  And to make that easier here is a list.


A very nice stylus.

A very nice pocket knife

A very nice bourbon

Anyway, you get the idea.

If you are not my wife, and you know a person who is a little odd, maybe with a few quirks, with a few strange habits, and phobias, a person who is a little unusual, walk up, pat them on the back, and say "have a good day, you've earned it."

Remember, there is a little fool in all of us, it is all a matter of degree and control.