Oscars for Dummies

Tonight is the Academy Award show. We can barely control our excitement. We, here at Life Explained, have started a pool, not the kind you swim in, of course. A device to make gambling easier and seem more legitimate. Let’s face it, saying I put twenty dollars on A Star is Born to win best picture would sound like a desperate cry for help. Not as bad as saying I put $100.00 on Mary Queen of Scots to win the Oscar for Makeup and Hair Styling. That would sound as if you had a real problem. And, too much free time. And too much money.

But, if you have a “pool” everything is just for fun. Just a good time. Just entertainment, that’s all. Things can get heated, though. We had to break up a fist fight in the laboratory.

“No way Vincente Minnelli deserved the Directing Oscar for Gigi in 1959. Any idiot with a bag of popcorn and a television can tell you Mark Robson and The Inn of the Sixth Happiness owned the award that year.” Said Bob, from Applied Chemistry.

“What are you, a moron?” Asked Felix, from Physics and Composites. “Stanley Kramer and his stark vision of modern society The Defiant Ones was clearly the obvious choice.”

That was all it took. Soon they were rolling on the floor. Somehow they missed all the jagged shards of broken beakers threatening to leave them sliced and bloody. But, security came, picked them up, dusted them off and told them Richard Brooks and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof was the only choice. Bruised feelings and sprained joints for everyone.

In what turned out to be a real wet blanket none of us had seen any of the movies that have been nominated for any of the awards. We are, it seems, uncultured slobs with the taste of philistines. In fact, unless Bugs Bunny is nominated for best actor, or Transformers is up for best picture we are all going to lose. So, we rented Alien bought some pizza and are having our own Academy Award party. Feel free to nominate your choice by leaving a comment at Life Explained, the Facebook Page.

Thank you,

Life Explained, the movie.

Good news, for all of you who wondered what it was like to work at a top secret research and development facility.  We have brought in a film crew, (actually it is a guy who works here and owns an iPhone), a big time director (the same guy, allowing him to be the director was the only way he would agree to stay awake for the whole day) and a top flight, big budget special effects lab (ok, it is just an iPhone app, but it is pretty amazing, and it did cost $6.00 or $7.00 dollars (honestly, we were all so excited nobody really remembers how much it cost) which is at least a dozen donuts) to put it all together.

It is kind of exciting, we have the storyboard laid out, using two of our favorite pens.  Casting is going to be a little unconventional, with the expense of the new app, and the donuts, money is a little tight.  But, art is not contingent on,or tied to capitol outlay.

Good news is, there is a rumor, unsubstantiated so far, that Samuel L. Jackson is considering looking into the possibility of taking a bit part, as "scientist 3" or "unnamed engineer" just to say he had a part.  It is against the Screen Actors Guild guidelines to work of donuts, even the tasty ones we prefer.  But, everybody is keen to have their name associated with this project.

In fact, several presidential hopefuls are handing out cabinet appointments, and ambassadorships just to have a spot in the parking scene, a beautiful exchange between two lonely workers, both wanting the same ideal spot, close to the sidewalk, and far from the dumpsters.  Really touching, really emotional, filled with drama, almost guaranteed to get some votes.

There is a lot of excitement, and a little tension, and some bickering over who gets to operate the little clapper thing between scenes.  Those things are pretty cool.  Oh, by the way do any of you have one of those little clapper things they use between scenes we can borrow?  It might get you a shot in the movie.

And the winner is.

Today is the big day, the Oscars, (named after the bologna, a staple at the pre-ceremony buffet, for those of you wondering).  Truly, this is a joyous day, when people who toil, and slave in ignominy for little or no wage finally get some recognition for all of their hard work.  No, wait that is me, the tireless blogger, working desperately to explain life, one dilemma, one inconsistency at a time.   I think actors, and actresses, producers, directors, and others in the movie biz make a little coin,  but who knows.

On an interesting side note, the other day my friend, and co-worker, John mentioned that we might all (we, and all, referring to mankind as a whole) might be a computer simulation for some child of the "gods."  My friend, and co-worker, Bil replied that he sincerely hopes they don't stick him in a room with no doors, so he would be forced to wet himself.  Which may not explain anything, but it is one more thing to worry about.  Of course, giving voice to that fear may not be a such a good idea, if we are a simulation, but that is another post.

Anyway, back to the Bolognas, or more commonly the Oscars.  Here is our rundown, and predictions.

Best Picture nominees are;

Gravity
Nebraska
Her
Pilomena

And several others that are too lengthy to type.

Well, since I haven't seen any of them, I am going to pick Her, since it is the easiest to type.  By extension, just go through the list, and pick the shortest title and that is my choice to win the coveted processed lunch meat.

Remember, fried bologna is always better than microwaved.  And add the cheese liberally, it really brings the sandwich home.

Today, and a little yesterday, and maybe some tomorrow.

With the new year already almost two weeks old, it is time to review, many things have happened, and many things haven't.  It is vital to understand the difference.  Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it, and if the past hasn't happened yet then it is probably the future, but if it is happening right now, it might be the present, but soon will become the past, and every thing you learned studying current events in high school should have probably been covered in history class.  But, if they had cool people in the curriculum department they would teach "future events" now that is class we could really get on board with.  Imagine the potential, a teacher telling you what was going to...  Anyway, you probably get the idea.

Readings in Fahrenheit, to convert
to Celsius move to Europe.

The big event was the polar vortex.  Obviously, this is a direct result of the war on Christmas, we did warn you that Santa was fighting back.  It was a bad idea, and now it has spilled over into January, sort of a guerrilla action by the North Pole, kind of a parting shot, letting everyone know who is really the Big Kahuna.  Santa knows who has been naughty, and who has been nice.  So, if you lived in an area that saw frigid, bitter cold, winds chills, ice storms, snow storms, or bizarre meteorological occurrences of any kind, that probably spells big trouble for you next December 25th.  Santa has a keen memory, and he brooks no insubordination.  

Big, Important Award,
of some type, for somebody.

Of course there was some good news, there was the Grammys, or the Oscars, or the People's Choice Award, or the SAG awards or the Tonies, or the Golden Globes, or something like that, but it was hosted by hilarious people and featured talented musicians and singers performing their monster hits, and the audience was filled with beautiful women, and handsome men dressed so fashionably it would make a grown man weep, and possibly install a strip of red carpet, and a few high intensity lights in his garage, so every time he came home he could feel good about himself..., not that we would know anything about that.  And it was just the first of many, so settle into your recliner, grab some popcorn, and a drink and get ready to watch some people who make a kings ransom, get some awards, and make some speeches.  What a way to spend an evening, huh?

The NFL playoffs are here, and every weekend two groups of people will watch the same contest, and walk away with completely different opinions of the officiating.  There is, of course, the opportunity for unlimited advertising potential completely overlooked.  Race car drivers are walking advertisements, hotels, motor oils, shoes, snack crackers, anybody with a few bucks to kick in can put a tiny patch on a fire proof jump suit, and almost be seen by race fans the world over.  Imagine "today's officiating crew bought to you by Bob's house o' Vision, where no line bifocals are always only $129.99 and the Eye Exam is always free."  Half the fans would think, "that Bob, he sure knows his no line bifocals."

What will happen with the rest of the year, who knows, but there will be some good stuff, some bad stuff, and a lot stuff that defies explanation.  But, we here at Life Explained will always do our best to explain it, an exercise in futility, maybe, but futile exercising is better than no exercising, right?