Shopping, gambling, and some snacks.

Yesterday we went shopping at the outlet mall. It is an adventure to be sure. It is about halfway between Columbus, and Cincinnati right outside of a small town, maybe two. It is either Jeffersonville, and Washington Courthouse, the signs are inconclusive, and I like the mystery, it makes it seem otherworldly and riddled with doubt so I don't look too closely.

The best part is when you tell someone you are going to the outlet mall and they say "Oh, Jeffersonville," you can reply "No. Washington Courthouse." Either way is right, with deep ties to the founding fathers.

There is a feel to an outlet mall. Something primal, and savage. Something that calls from a history that is much older than the founding of our country. Maybe they are built on ancient burial grounds, and the spirits of the hunter gatherers are assuming temporary control of shoppers seeking the ultimate bargain.

It is more prevalent in some stores, and at certain times, later in the day is untrammeled savagery, but some stores must be on spiritual hot spots. The Eddie Bauer store is a place where you have to be prepared to stand your ground right from the opening whistle. Hanging on a circular display where shirts, and vests and assorted jackets, all 50% off original price.

On one side a sweet looking older lady was shoving the hangars to the left, sure the ultimate garment for the perfect price was hanging there. One quarter of the way to the left was another kindly looking older lady shoving them back to the right. The sound of the hangers slamming into each other echoed around the store.  She was equally certain the grail of garments was hanging there.

Soon, they had worked there way all the around the rack and came face to face with each other over a medium insulated jacket, with a media pocket, rip stop fabric and a removable hood. For $39.95 it was quite a deal, and it was the bargain they were both hunting.

If you could picture the clash of the titans between two somebodies grandmas and an Eddie Bauer outlet mall employee over a deeply discounted jacket you will have the scene. Soon the other shoppers had formed a circle around the contest, and bets were being placed, and some quick thinking bargain hunter started selling concessions, mostly Ritz crackers topped with canned cheese, for 35 cents each, and warm bottles of water.

Rip stop fabric is more of rip resistant than tear proof. When the Eddie Bauer associate started to get
the upper hand, and the two kindly old women began to suspect that neither would get the jacket they turned on him, and wrapped one of the sleeves around his neck, and started dragging him around the luggage display. The sleeve tore off of the jacket, and the associate was resuscitated by the referee.

"Oh, you can have the jacket, dear," one grandma said to the other.

"I couldn't, honey. Let's go to the food court and I will buy you a nice cup of cocoa," the other replied.

I got a great deal on a new vest, $17.95, but I lost ten dollars on the fight, I bet on the young man working for Eddie Bauer.

All in all it was a pretty good day, if you like canned cheese and Ritz crackers.

Commerce Gone Wild!

Yesterday we went to the Outlet Mall. It is a big day, filled with excitement, and energy. There are several advantages to shopping at Tanger Outlet Mall, convenience is the driving factor for us. There are so many stores packed into a small place, so many different brands, all crammed into a brisk walk.

It really packs in the people, too. Humanity, in all its variety, all walking the sidewalks and crowded aisles. It is a true testament to the human spirit. There is safety in numbers, we are social animals and we love a good deal.

When dealing with that many people it is important to establish yourself as the alpha shopper early. One good way to do this, use the restroom, and wash your hands vigorously, spending enough time that the other person finishes first. Already you have proven your superior hygiene. Then, to cement your dominance, as the filthy, lesser shopper of the species is drying his hands, using the heated air, dry your hands on the back of his shirt, pulling up the tail and really getting between the fingers. You can walk out clean, dry and in charge.

But, don't kid yourself there is always some young gun, looking to unseat you from the lofty throne. You have to keep your edge, stay light on your feet, and keep your head on a swivel. One way to avoid being unseated, leave early.

As the day wears on the crowds get denser, the mood darkens, and the atmosphere becomes more volatile. People who are fighting through crowds of people who are often stopped in the middle of the sidewalk shrieking at unruly children, or having small, loud family reunion, can be hostile, vicious. And these are not the kind of people I want shop with.

So, yesterday, I got a new pair of shoes for work, a new pair of shoes for the gym, and most importantly a new gym bag. It is a manly bag, canvas, and leather, macho as can be for a bag you carry on your shoulder. I wanted something different, I always do, and then I wonder why I don't fit in. Go figure.

A big adventure.

Today we are off the outlet mall. Most people don't view this as a big adventure, but I do. Mostly because it is a lot more fun that way.

We stop for breakfast, and take snacks, and pop on ice, and make a whole day or it. Which spells big trouble for the Life Explained Nation. Because you will have to live through it tomorrow. Sorry.

Here is a spoiler, look for something completely fictional, and without any relation to reality, with a small amount of real life. And some pictures of food, I love food.

Forecast high of 82, low humidity, and atmospheric conditions just short of heavenly.
Sorry, but it is kind of a tradition.

This is like a little vacation if you do it right.

A Day Out, Kind Of.

It started with few challenges. First, we had to find a parking spot at our favorite breakfast place. And, then finding out the wait was so long we didn't want to wait, the twenty five minutes to get a seat. 

Then we had to climb back in the car and wait for the person who was trying to park next to us to maneuver and coerce her Tahoe into the spot next to us. I sometimes wonder if the person who designs parking lots around this city drives a subcompact, maybe a Smart Car, or a Mini Cooper, without ever taking into account that this corner of the city is the land of mini-vans, Tahoes, Suburbans, Excursions, big cars, that take big parking spaces, and big aisles to swing all that size into them. Obviously, that was kind of an inauspicious start. 

 
After that it got a better. Our drive to Jeffersonville was really smooth. That stretch of freeway can be so hectic, crowded and aggravating that it was a very pleasant surprise. We cruised pretty much at an officially acceptable speed of slightly more than the posted speed limit. It is funny, that they post a speed limit, and then, according to popular myth, allow you, without penalty to exceed it by a given amount, which is four or five miles an hour. But, we take advantage of that leeway.

 
Which brings up a sore spot. Why don't people use cruise control? It is a good question, too. If people went a more uniform speed, it would prevent a lot of the weaving, and lane changing, and passing, re-passing, and congestion that curses so many drives across country. At least so many of ours. But, yesterday was peaceful, easy, and with little aggravation.

 
Surprisingly, the Outlet mall was peaceful, and relatively quiet, there was enough people to make it interesting, and fun, but not enough to consume the sidewalks and push the boundaries of sanity. 

Of course, the Adidas and Nike stores were filled, people in those stores always seem to believe they have certain rights that probably don't really exist. For exampe, the right to stand in the middle of the aisle, and try on shoes. 

 So, if you would like to look at shoes you will need to backtrack, navigate through aisles filled with people contorting themselves in an effort to put on a shoe while standing. Often, thrashing violently, arms flailing, hopping madly from side to side, a little clumsy ballet of gymnastics, followed by a breathless, "how do these look? I think they look good."

 
But, I don't stay in those stores long, just long enough for a few performances, then I am off, to more peaceful, sedate stores. Yesterday, we even tried a new stores, Pottery Barn, which surprisingly had very little pottery, but some very cool things. One of the things that seemed genius is the acrylic glasses.  They look like real glass, but if you drop them they don't break. Genius, I tell you.



Then we went and bought some clothes for my wife, at a place (Ann Taylor) that always uses headless mannequins.  Why headless?  It is a little disturbing, It is a little hard to tell how good an outfit will look on a person with a head.  "Well, that does look nice on a headless person, can you leave your head at home."  


And a new pair of Nike shoes for me, but we bought them at Famous Footwear, which is a much more polite shoe shopping experience.

 

And what trip to the outlet mall would be complete without stopping at the Goldfish Cracker store, the snack that smiles back. Officially it is called the Pepperidge Farms store, but everybody understands the real star is the delightful, flavorful fish.

Really, it was a good day, and we had a lot of fun .  And, we had McDonald's for breakfast and Popeye's chicken for lunch.  Days like that are what make life great.  Spending time with your family, and the laughter, and smiles, the sunshine, and crowds, the thrill of finding a good deal, and the joy of being a father, and a husband.  I would give a lot to live a day like that more often.

 

It isn't a three day weekend, yet.

Sunday, and Labor Day is a whole week away.  Which means a whole week full of work days, and blaring, intrusive alarm clocks, endless toil, backbreaking work, hurried lunches, and coffee slammed down between everyday demands and turmoil. Ah, the joys of gainful employment.

Tomorrow we will wake to the delightful sounds of whatever song, or commercial, or painful, agonizing white noise is on the radio at 4:55 in the morning, and plod, zombie fashion, toward the coffee and Diet Coke, thank you kind fates for caffeine, to start our week of indentured servitude.  We are beholden to the companies who own part of our house, bits of our cars, the organizations that provide our water and electricity, and natural gas.  Also we are deeply indebted to several suppliers of groceries, deeply indebted.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are scheduled to provide the same torture.  Time drags, expectations are lowered until all a person can hope for is arriving safely at home at the end of the day.  An infinite loop, endless torture, and responsibility.  Ah, the joys of painful employment.  

Saturday, ah the joyous, wondrous, delight of Saturday, the first day of a three day weekend.  Labor day, you beautiful, glorious creation of man kind.  The origins of Labor Day are lost in the lore of ancient Washington, but it is widely believed to have been a gift from the gods of time management, and labor allocation.  But, nobody really cares, a paid day off is all that anybody cares about.

It is the first weekend of college football season, and the Cornhuskers are on television, and that is another gift from on high. Go Big Red!

There are rumors of cold beer, smoked ribs, coleslaw, and garlic toast, unsubstantiated as yet, but they are from a highly placed source.  It depends on the grocery store sales, stay tuned for updates.

Plus, there is an expedition to the Outlet Mall in the works for Saturday, and a new video editing app on the Microsoft Surface Pro 3, a powerful, intoxicating combination (sometimes even I feel sorry for my wife).  Life on the move at the outlet mall, with musical accompaniment, this could be the biggest thing since the moon landing!

Life is so good, I can't wait to het to work tomorrow.