A New Day, A New Adventure, Right?

Today, when I left home, my wife told me to try to lighten up a little. Things have been kind of dark lately. She is, often, the best gauge of my mental condition. Driving to work I thought about what she said, and knew she was right. Life has been too morbid lately. Headlines have consumed substance, reality has been replaced by superficial concerns, and it has really put a zap on my spirit. With that in mind I was going to write a list of my five favorite apps.

After a lot of thought it was impossible to narrow it down to five. I do love apps, little bitty gifts from the gods of technology. And you know something, I can never scroll past a post or article about apps. If it has the headline "15 great free apps," or anything similar I am hooked. Normally I end up getting one or two of them, and they aren't always so great. But, If you want to know which app is best for any particular task just send me a question at TweetTweetJohn@yahoo.com and I will be glad to give you my opinion, even if I have to make it up.*

I decided to go with sports., Unfortunately, right now the whole world is obsessed with Super Bowl commercials, and long ago I made the decision to boycott the commercials. It might give me something to discuss with my coworkers. Monday, I was at the dentist getting some small procedure done, really small, it didn't even require Novocaine, and in the middle there was a feature on the national morning news show previewing the super bowl commercials. My dentist, and his assistant had to stop, despite having all four hands and several sharp, sadistic, pointed things in my mouth, and watch, in rapt attention. It has become obscenely spiritual for the world. Despite all of our differences everyone can agree the Doritos commercial was fantastic. I don't even care who wins the football game, though oddly enough I do care who loses. Sports was out.

And it is too early for the Life Explained Lawn Care and Gardening Extravaganza, and too late for the 100 Best Christmas Gifts to Give to a Life Explained Staff Writer. But, Valentines Day is coming, and by an odd coincidence, I have actually been to Valentine, NE. So I decided to go with that.

Last time we were in South Dakota, and we had to go to Nebraska I told my wife, "don't worry, I
know how to get to there," Unfortunately, I did, but not the way we were supposed to go. We ended up 75 miles, or about 75 miles east, of Valentine, in Ainsworth, Of course, from what little I could tell, there is not a lot of difference between Ainsworth and Valentine (they are both lovely, little Nebraska towns) except for geographical placement. And the only real tragedy was we were heading for Valentine, and points south. So, my wife sighed, turned west and rolled her eyes up in her head so far it looked painful, and asked what we should do for lunch. She has become accustomed to my navigational adventures.

To my wife; Happy Valentines Day! Where do you want to go for dinner, I will get directions.



* Not really, I will probably at least look into it, and read something about great apps for whatever you asked about, before I make something up.

A Chance for Immortality.

If you look hard enough you can see the point where the past and the future collide. It is called the present. Since it passes so quickly it is almost impossible to notice. One infinitesimal flash and it is gone. You really have to be on your toes.

What is the point of finding that one time/place/instance where time meets? It is the heart of the universe. Finding that definable instant is the key. Time travel, space travel, unlocking the secrets of matter, creation, the past, the future, all lie just on the other side.

Obviously the company that can find it will be wealthy, powerful, popular and extremely sought after for late night talk shows, and scholarly journals, maybe even the cover of People Magazine. 

We, here at Life Explained, feel we have the best chance of finding that opportunity. Let's face it, our competitors don't even know it exists. They can eat our cosmic, light speed traveling dust, if you catch our drift.

It is expensive though. Extremely expensive. Today's best technology is too primitive, too slow, we need to build our own Ultra High Speed Cameras, and the Worlds Fastest Dual Processor Monster Computers. We need scanners that scan in ways never imagined, we need particle accelerators that accelerate smaller particles faster than anybody ever dreamed, we need a new espresso machine (the last one was demolished in the territorial wars between accounting and legal, covered in next weeks post, "Lessons Learned the Hard Way"). We need things we don't even know we need yet.

We need you, to send us money, as much as you can, and as often as possible. For the person who donates the most we will go back in time and add their face to Mount Rushmore. You want to talk about a great way to impress the in-laws, here it is.

"So, Bob, what do you do for a living?"

"I deliver beer, and my face is on Mount Rushmore."

"Wow, that's cool!"

We take most major credit cards, cash, and bearer bonds of any type, bit coin, and pay pal. 

Thank you, we are forever in your debt, not that we intend to pay you back, that is just being polite.

 

A unique opportunity, for a unique person.

OK, it is a pretty big deal to eat lettuce grown in space.  No space trip would be complete without a little extraterrestrial produce. Lettuce is a good start, you know the old hauntingly appropriate, yet oddly specific, saying "you can't make a space salad without growing some lettuce." Truly, our ability to travel to other worlds, visit other planets, and force our views, and systems of beliefs on the poor, hapless inhabitants, who need us to come save them from themselves, depends on food.

But, it is probably going to require a little more substantial than some greens, or in this case "outrageous reds" if we are going to be able to really "help" these poor innocent beings see the light. Or even worse, suppose we get there and there is nobody, and we have to do all of the work ourselves. We are going to need some real food.

Where most people see a problem we, here at Life Explained, see an opportunity. A chance to serve our fellow man, to serve him cheeseburgers, fries and a shake. We are opening a string of intergalactic restaurants for the deep space astronauts sent to "explore" the various worlds. Plus, we will have some wonderful tshirts, baseball hats, and refrigerator magnets. "I went to the outer reaches of the galaxy and all I got was this lousy tshirt, and the best burger of my life, at Bob's House o' Space Burgers."

Of course we will need to get the beef to these locations. We will need some self assured soul who can move some goods to various locations around the galaxy.

Since the times are liable to be considerable, and even space travelers deserve fresh food it would probably be wise to transport the protein substance in an upright position (i.e. standing) until approach. Of course, to keep the feelings of guilt and crushing remorse to a minimum it is best not to name the freight. But, that is your choice.

So, if you are looking for a good job, are a self starter who doesn't mind terrible introspective periods of solitude, and the loneliness and despair that only a solitary trip through deep space can provide, do we have an opening for you.

And don't forget our Interplanetary Food Service Job Fair tomorrow at the Lancaster County Fairgrounds. We will have coffee, donuts, and after you fill out the application you can keep the pen.*


*Offer available to the first 15 applicants only.

An adventure in mediocrity.

Driving down the freeways of America is a great way to find out a little about yourself.  Without all of the life and civilization intruding into a trip you have time to look inward.  

This unique opportunity for introspection, this chance to examine what is important is so hard to find in today's hyperconnected, constantly plugged in world. Each of us carries ideas, thoughts, dreams, constantly bubbling subcutaneously.  Percolating, flowing, ebbing and waning, waiting to break through. Aching to be discovered. On this trip, for example, an idea came bounding through. Popping out, demanding action. 

I sprang from a packing stupor and downloaded an ecard app (appygraph, if you are interested, and for a free app it is remarkably flexible). I am going to use it to document the trip through the heartland.  I am going to post a progress report on Facebook.

I am not an artistic photographer, my hands shake too much, and my impatience, and haste force me to rush the shot, so I am going to pass the beauty and take pictures of the more ordinary. Figuring it is best to leave the beautiful, spectacular vistas, and gorgeous scenes filled with color, contrast, and all of those important artistic elements to those steady handed, rock solid, keen eyed photo geeks with their expensive cameras and multiple lenses, apertures and focal lengths walking around with bags, and straps, and light meters, acting as though they have some sort of spiritual attachment to the simple practice of pointing a machine at an object and pushing a button, like that takes some divine, instinctive talent… Oops.

Anyway, I will focus on the more average, more typical snapshots of Americana. It will be Postcards From the Mundane.  A series, by Life Explained.

At some point it will become an award winning documentary with musical accompaniment by an artist to be named later.  But, you will not to wait that long, get on the band wagon while there is still room, and the ticket price is still reasonable.

Please join us on our travels here, Our Home on Facebook.

Life Explained, explains vacations,

The key to having a relaxing, fun filled vacation is preparation, planning, and careful, meticulous attention to detail.  It is no fun to get to ski slopes and find that you had packed cargo shorts, tank tops, a swimsuit and sunscreen.  Of course it would save a lot of pain, and potential injury, possible death, but it might force you to move the television into the bathroom so you can put on your swimsuit and set in the tub, pretending to be on a tropical resort island.  However, by the time you get your wife and three kids, and your in-laws crammed in there it might get a little tense.  A situation best avoided, considering how the in-laws feel about your already.  So, just pack correctly.

Packing correctly for a week long trip to the Smoky Mountains, for me, involves laying out enough clothes for about a month and a half, so my wife can go through and say things like "you are not taking that."  "What shirt did you plan to wear with these?" and a personal favorite, "where did you unearth this ancient thing?" And then she will grab all of the clothes, in her dainty, delicate, lovely arms, carry them out to the dumpster, hop in her car, and forty five minutes later will come back with a brand new suitcase filled with brand new clothes, a tank full of gas, and some ribs to throw on the grill.  And I am packed and ready to go.  This approach is not for everyone, and please remember results may vary, but it works for me.

Make sure you have plenty of drinks on ice, cola, bottled water, and tea are good choices.  A supply of snacks is a good idea as well, maybe some chips, and pretzels, peanuts, and beef jerky are wonderful, and tasty.  You will need to know where all of the rest areas are you will need them.  Here is a good place to find them, Wow, you can "rest" almost everywhere.

Get a good nights sleep, eat a good breakfast, and jump in the car, don't worry that you left the iron, and almost every light in the house, on, and the water running in the bathroom, and your lawn will grow faster than it ever has before, and the camera is sitting right beside your glasses, wallet, and the only key you have to get back into your house just go, have a good time, you deserve a vacation.

The Trials of Friendship

Five days from today we will be having breakfast here.  Not just any breakfast, either, free, made to order breakfast.  Omelettes so tasty and delicious they are worth the price of the motel, and  they are free.  Normally I have the jalapeno, sausage (sometimes bacon, sometimes both), cheddar, and spinach, (spinach is so healthy).   They are all good though, and I will document my choices and share theme with you, you can hardly wait I am sure.

Five days from right now minus fourteen hours we will be having drinks right here.  Not just any drinks either, free drinks, Kentucky bourbon on the rocks is my choice, "if it isn't from Kentucky it's just whiskey."  Sometimes I will have a beer, frosty cold, refreshing and delightful.  Don't worry, I will photograph my choices and share them with you, I hope the anticipation does not kill you.

Free breakfast and free bourbon in Louisville, the Asgard of college basketball.  I need to apologize to Tim Miles, Tony Bennett and +christy barongan here, all of whom have a different opinion regarding the college basketball heavens.  And, I respect that. 

After our little pilgrimage to the Yum Center, where the Louisville Cardinals play their home games, we are off to the mountains of Tennessee, specifically Gatlinburg.  We have rented a cabin outside of town, and are planning a relaxing, fun filled trip.

What makes this trip so unique is the inclusion of our blind friend, who is right now being picked up in a small town in Nebraska by my sister (who is now my favorite sister, thank you, Candy) and whisked to Eppley Airfield in Omaha, to hop on a plane, and fly to Saint Louis, where he will hop off of that plane, set around in the airport until he can hop on another plane and fly here.  I have never flown often, and hate to fly so I avoid it like a spider covered canoe, (I hate being on boats, and spiders too) but, it seems unless you are going to Las Vegas you can never fly anywhere without flying somewhere else, first.  It is a nice way to see the inside of airports, and buy an expensive beer and sandwich though.

We are hoping Southwest Airlines takes good care of him, but, don't worry I will let you know tomorrow if he makes it unscathed.  You might want to do a little good luck dance, and throw some salt over your shoulder, and wish upon a star, and touch the horseshoe over the door, and whatever good luck ritual you can muster.

Managerial Styles,

Lately, we here at Life, Explained, have begun a long trek backward, through time, in an effort to understand the present, perhaps explain our current predicament, maybe offer a path out of the morass in which humanity finds itself mired.  It is difficult, dangerous work, but we are happy to do it, that's right, we are happy doing difficult, dangerous work if you, the Life Explained Universe benefits, even a little.  It is what we do.  The real problem with history, though, is the quantity, it just goes on and on, and no matter where you start it always leads to something else.  Still, if one has iron like resolve, and a keen eye for detail, there are many valuable lessons to be learned by the observant time traveler.

We will start with management styles throughout the ages.  Genghis Khan was a guy who got stuff done.  He was a brilliant motivator, with a hands on style that inspired his subordinates, worried competitors, garnered loyalty, and produced results.  There was no attendance/tardiness policy, people didn't hang around chatting by the elevator, no small talk over oatmeal, toast and fresh squeezed juice in the kitchen.  As a result of his no-nonsense practices the Mongol Conglomerate and Associates controlled between 11 and 12 million contiguous square miles, from the Sea of Japan all the way to the Caspian Sea.  That is market share that Apple and Coca Cola only dream about.

Sure, in today's namby-pamby, wussified, decadent, decaying, squishy soft corporate environment the Khan's management practices would be frowned upon.  For example, he had everything arranged in sequences of ten, and if you were negotiating a "corporate restructuring," and two of the members of your "executive council" decided to "pursue less stressful avenues of employment" somewhere quieter and more sedate you were all "let go."  It was an exit interview best avoided.

 One of the many benefits of employment with the Khan was travel.  His staff would take extended recruiting trips to foreign, exotic places filled with interesting, diverse people.  Sometimes things would not go well, and the hosts would not accept the generous offer of employment, and a long, healthy life, and things might get tense, and tumultuous, but no job is without stress.  Remember the old saying, "you can't make an omelet without destroying a city, crushing its defenses, razing its buildings, and slaughtering its inhabitants."  And the Mongols really liked omelets.

Of course, everything old is new again, so some day we will see the rise of the next great motivator, a man who can bring people together, and lead by example.  Until then I am going to fix myself a sandwich, and some cocoa, hang out in the break room and watch some streaming video on my iPhone, and maybe sharpen my war ax, just in case.

Five Stories may not be enough.

We have a friend that lives in Berlin.  She is a very nice person, and fearless in many ways, though a little crazy, at times.  It is a widely held opinion around headquarters that she moved to Berlin to learn German, (or find a decent beer) which is very brave, and a little crazy.  But, she feels that living in a fifth floor apartment, in a building with no elevator, will keep her safe from spiders.  Readers of this blog probably know better.

It has come to our attention that spiders are no longer content just walking, or crawling or climbing or whatever it is called when a spider decides to go somewhere else.  We will need to ask a spider scientist about the correct phrase, that is a scientist who studies spiders, not a scientist who is a spider, so don't get any ideas about ill timed practical jokes.

Here is a prime example from the Daily Star.  Dang, I am throwing away my backpack, unopened!  Remember, this is not for the squeamish, or the British, who have had several Arachnid related incidences in the last few years.  Now, they have Giant Huntsman spiders (though we have been told by our legal department that they much prefer being called Giant Huntsperson spiders) bringing their entire family and jetting to live in the UK.



Apparently, spiders are reaching new levels of sophistication when planning travel.  This, of course, spells big trouble for almost everybody, almost everywhere in the world, even the people who live in fifth floor apartments with no elevator.

Mankind has two choices, Space Colonization, or giving up hope.  Fortunately, we here at Life Explained are proceeding head long and with reckless abandon with our plans to open a residential development (along with a very exclusive retail district, including micro breweries, and fine dining) on Mars, or the Moon, we are not sure yet, whichever is less hospitable to spiders.  We are still looking for answers.

Almost the last "I quit smoking post" I promise.

Quitting smoking has so many benefits.  It is so expensive to smoke, the savings are enormous, even if you stay "healthy."  Most people who never smoke, and people who still smoke probably don't understand the amount of time and effort it takes to smoke.  It is more than just the act of "smokin' a butt," there is a whole set of logistical challenges facing smokers.  For one thing you need cigarettes, (hardly a smoker without some of those) and something to light them with, (non smokers who only need to remember keys, wallet, watch, and a cell phone are rookies) and a decent place to enjoy the comfort of a serene smoke, which is becoming more of a challenge all the time.  So, the benefits are manifold, one unexpected bonus was the friends I made.

There are a couple who deserve special recognition.  Gale, and Susan, we were members of an online support community to help us in our efforts to quit, and we have just become friends.

In fact Susan, and Gale were my first Facebook friends, I had joined Facebook several months prior because I wanted to join this particular fan group, for my beloved KIN 2M phone, but it was filled with superior, smug people and I quickly ignored them (actually, I am still trying to decide whether Facebook is a huge waste of time or the most under utilized form of entertainment, keep an eye on Life Explained for more in the near future) so it was nice to have a friend, and all of the sudden I had two friends, of course now I am in the thirties, but, I still remember when it was only two.

Susan (who is from Columbus) has actually had beers with my wife and I on more than one occasion, and we are considering her for the exalted position of "drinking buddy," on a probationary basis of course.  Even though she is genius, MENSA member, who can do amazing things with Microsoft Excel she still enjoys a good pirate joke.  Hey, Susan, what does a pirate do on the weekend?  Yarrrrrdwork.  I don't really know if she likes pirate jokes or not, but she has a wonderful sense of humor, and  has been to a Grateful Dead concert and that is cool.

Gale (who is from North Carolina, Scotland, Germany) is a fearless on the ground reporter for this very blog, and was willing to take on the Evil Barbie Empire to get the truth to you, and save the world, too.  She tackles plastic women bent on world domination with the same gusto as German noun declension.  An enthusiastic world traveler, Gale has over 300 cities dotted on her world travel map, (a lot of them are in foreign places, filled with foreigners) and a lot of that was done through air travel, which we all know is crazy.  And she has a tattoo, which she recently had upgraded, another act of bravery.

Anyway, thank you, both.  In the words of Jerry Garcia, "what a long, strange trip it's been."  But, thanks to you it has never been dull.

There would be pictures here, but they still need to sign the consent form, and have it notarized, and air parceled to our secret location.  Not really, I am going to email them and ask for permission.

A small favor, please.

In what can only be viewed as a very pleasant surprise, many people who have looked at this important and historically significant blog are from the wonderfully progressive and delightfully joyful Country of Germany.  By what can only be viewed as one of the most fortuitous coincidences of all time 2 very good friends of mine are traveling to your scenic, beautiful, historically significant, and fiscally responsible Nation.  I would be very grateful if you could meet them at the airport, and buy them a nice meal.  Maybe bring them a cake, here is one idea, feel free to use your own.

 

 

Since one of my friends is from Ohio she may, at random times, shout the letter O, and then quickly follow that by shouting the letter H.  It is considered good manners to respond by shouting the letter I and then the letter O.  This will make her feel right at home, it is very similar to the way wildlife uses unique sounds to signal safety.  My other friend is from Scotland, and may be playing Angry Birds on her iPad, so feel free to move around her if you are waiting in line, people from the UK are used to long lines, so she may not even notice, particularly if you say something nice about her Angry Bird tossing ability, or her shoes.

Thank you, in advance for the kindness, if I can ever do anything for you please let me know.

Another Thing to be Worried About

Just when you thought you were pretty safe from Ravenous Arachnids (which might make a good name for a movie, if there are any producers thinking this might make a good show), unless you are a bat, that is, this was reported by MSN today (not today, but when this was originally posted, and I have never let little things like facts stand in my way).

 

Giant asbestos-infected tarantula loose in Wales

Head for one of your many hills, Wales. Tis no spider, tis a remorseless asbestos-contaminated tarantula on the loose. The existence of the arachnid was revealed after its recently-shed skin was recovered by asbestos-removal workers in an abandoned old house in the Welsh capital of Cardiff. Experts think the Chilean rose tarantula, which is INFECTED WITH ASBESTOS, could be twice as large after shedding it skin. One of the workers spotted a giant spider leg after lifting up a floorboard, and like any rational person, screamed and fled the house, as did a number of others. Some brave and foolhardy souls stayed and recovered the skin, which tests later confirmed was the skin from an ASBESTOS-INFECTED TARANTULA. That is still at large. Shiver.

Giant, Asbestos Infected, United Kingdom Tarantulas.  If you are thinking, "well, this is in Wales, and I couldn't find Wales on a globe, if you spotted me the continent."  (The previous sentence applies only to Americans who are terribly naive about geography) In a world where jet planes carry people from one continent to another with ease and speed at such a relatively small price, Wales is right next door.  That's right, Giant, Asbestos Infected, Welsh Tarantulas are living right next door to you!

The Moon is looking better all of the time.