A New Day, A New Adventure, Right?

Today, when I left home, my wife told me to try to lighten up a little. Things have been kind of dark lately. She is, often, the best gauge of my mental condition. Driving to work I thought about what she said, and knew she was right. Life has been too morbid lately. Headlines have consumed substance, reality has been replaced by superficial concerns, and it has really put a zap on my spirit. With that in mind I was going to write a list of my five favorite apps.

After a lot of thought it was impossible to narrow it down to five. I do love apps, little bitty gifts from the gods of technology. And you know something, I can never scroll past a post or article about apps. If it has the headline "15 great free apps," or anything similar I am hooked. Normally I end up getting one or two of them, and they aren't always so great. But, If you want to know which app is best for any particular task just send me a question at TweetTweetJohn@yahoo.com and I will be glad to give you my opinion, even if I have to make it up.*

I decided to go with sports., Unfortunately, right now the whole world is obsessed with Super Bowl commercials, and long ago I made the decision to boycott the commercials. It might give me something to discuss with my coworkers. Monday, I was at the dentist getting some small procedure done, really small, it didn't even require Novocaine, and in the middle there was a feature on the national morning news show previewing the super bowl commercials. My dentist, and his assistant had to stop, despite having all four hands and several sharp, sadistic, pointed things in my mouth, and watch, in rapt attention. It has become obscenely spiritual for the world. Despite all of our differences everyone can agree the Doritos commercial was fantastic. I don't even care who wins the football game, though oddly enough I do care who loses. Sports was out.

And it is too early for the Life Explained Lawn Care and Gardening Extravaganza, and too late for the 100 Best Christmas Gifts to Give to a Life Explained Staff Writer. But, Valentines Day is coming, and by an odd coincidence, I have actually been to Valentine, NE. So I decided to go with that.

Last time we were in South Dakota, and we had to go to Nebraska I told my wife, "don't worry, I
know how to get to there," Unfortunately, I did, but not the way we were supposed to go. We ended up 75 miles, or about 75 miles east, of Valentine, in Ainsworth, Of course, from what little I could tell, there is not a lot of difference between Ainsworth and Valentine (they are both lovely, little Nebraska towns) except for geographical placement. And the only real tragedy was we were heading for Valentine, and points south. So, my wife sighed, turned west and rolled her eyes up in her head so far it looked painful, and asked what we should do for lunch. She has become accustomed to my navigational adventures.

To my wife; Happy Valentines Day! Where do you want to go for dinner, I will get directions.



* Not really, I will probably at least look into it, and read something about great apps for whatever you asked about, before I make something up.

A Christmas Tale, part II

It was shortly after 11:00 when Eddie said, "alright, let's call it a day. We can get back here about 4:30 and get ready to open at 5:00. Of course, the company won't let me start paying you until the we unlock at 5:00. Hey, one of you should grab some donuts and coffee so we can gear up."

"Hey, how about a ride home?" Edith, Eddie's mom, asked. She looked exhausted, her gray hair was tangled and looked like straw, dirt smeared down her cheek, leaving her looking like a chimney sweep.

"Christ, mom, you only live 6 blocks from here. The walk will do you good, help you unwind, clear your head."

"I'm so tired, I can't walk that far, I just won't make it. My feet ache, my back is sore, I can barely keep my eyes open. It has been such a hard day, and all I want is a ride home, your building is on the same block."

Eddie pulled his mom aside, "Look, I'll give you a ride home, but you have to keep it down. I can't be seen favoring one associate over another. The company has very strict regulations about that. You remember, chapter 17, page 121, article C, sub heading 1/17f."

"Thanks, Eddie." Edith said, softly. She thought gently of her deceased husband. A kind man who had loved his wife and only son, showering them both with endless affection. Edith was wishing he would have, at least once, knocked this pompous little buffoon right on his ass. If she not been so tired and had enough money for a cab, or even bus fare, she would've laid him out on the shiny, freshly mopped, linoleum floor.

The image of Eddie laying unconscious, while she danced like Ali around his prone body warmed her heart, and made her feel a little better. Maybe my daughter has bus fare, she thought.

Eddie dropped Edith off at the intersection between their respective buildings. In an unusual display
of love and generosity he gave her enough money for bus fare in the morning. It was Thanksgiving after all.

Eddie parked his car, a 1982 Monte Carlo, rust colored, which matched the rust that was had crawled across the bottom and started moving up the sides. Eddie took a little pride in being able to rock the driver's seat from side to side going around corners. There were so few things Eddie took pride in, and it was probably better for everybody that way.

That concludes part II of the Christmas Tale, and Eddie has yet to be visited by the gods of Christmas Past, and still has all of his toenails, and it is only Thanksgiving. And for all of those things I apologize, this is taking much longer than planned, If you can have a little patience things will improve, or at least change, change is good, right?

Smile to Save the World. It can't hurt.

Life is madness, and anger and incivility are about the nicest things a person will see these days. Go shopping and it becomes a game of dodging speeding shopping carts, and moving stealthily past hostile customers, and bitter, aggressive employees. Almost an arcade style movement and avoidance game. Christmas cheer fills the air.

Turn on the TV, heart breaking tragedy, and loss. Which inspires vitriolic, stump climbing presidential hopefuls to swing their purses vengefully at each other. Where have the great orators of the past gone. Why is there no message of hope.

Would it hurt to hear one person with a microphone and a television camera say "things are not going well, but working together we can overcome the hate, and the fear. We can learn to live together."

I have lived a long time, and it seems like things have not gotten noticeably worse, only different, and more televised. And the people who can blame, and find fault are the most rewarded with the trophy of attention from the news outlets.

+Trina Emmerson and I have decided to start a movement. Smile To Save the World. So far she has done most of the work, (thank you, Trina) and probably most of the smiling. She provided this wonderful picture.  I am going to try to catch up. #smiletosavetheworld.



I am going to try to do a nice thing for somebody every day. And I may try more than one. There are plenty of ideas on this website. In fact a quick search provides hundreds of sites like this.

And, when I hear about someone doing something nice I am going to write a blog post about it. If you hear about something let, or Trina know and we will make sure it gets mentioned.

Please join us, Smile, be polite and Save the World.

Yes, it is probably futile, and a waste of time, but it can't hurt. And nobody else seems to be trying anything.

Thank you,

The Smile To Save the World foundation.

Monday, a day of... well you decide.

We survived another weekend, and made it safely through to Monday.  It wasn't easy, and there were several close calls, but we are all back, safely, at work, here at the Top Secret Life Explained headquarters. Now that we have put all of that ugly freedom, and indulgence behind us we can get back to work.

Once the lawn was mowed it was as though time had stopped. There was nothing to justify our existence. Wandering from one pleasant experience to the next was torture. A void raged across the face of our world, consuming all in it's path. Nothing but light, casual conversation, and relaxed attitudes.

A walk through the park, filled with the joyful sound of laughing, playing children, who can endure those things.  Everywhere you looked, smiling, happy youth, and energy rushing with glee from one activity to the next.  It was so distracting. No structure, no framework, no guidance.

It would not have been so bad but the weather was perfect, sunny, warm, and wonderful. It was a little sickening. Grilling some chicken last night, with a drink of tequila, and a Dos Equis to celebrate Cinco De Mayo*, sitting next to a gorgeous, charming woman was almost more than we should be asked to tolerate.

But, at last we are back to the grindstone, working, producing, taking care of things.  Under the florescent lights, sounds muffled by the oppressive expectations of working for a living. Answering the alarm clock, rising early, and going to work.  Ah, the joys of responsibility, and the pleasure of being held accountable...

Wait, what the hell is going on here!?!?!?  Hey, find out who typed that first part and send them to the infirmary.  Better yet, send them to the psychiatrist. Or, better still fire them, they are obviously a danger to themselves and everybody else.

We will now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.






*Yes we know we were technically celebrating Tres De Mayo, but a busy schedule, and the security requirements of working for a top secret research and development facility require the alteration of certain laws of time and space.**

**Not really.

Music, the Grammys, and and Ingenuity.

According to Variety Sunday night's Grammy Award Show hit a 6 year low.  With an 8.5 rating in adults 18 to 49 and 25.3 million viewers the show was down 14% from last year.  This is significant.  With the shifting logistics of music delivery the economics of the industry are changing.  Pharrell Williams' song "Happy" (one of the most popular, catchy, cheerful songs ever written) was played 43 million times in the first quarter of 2014 on Pandora paying a tidy little sum of $2700.00.  This can not make him very happy.  Obviously, music needs to find new ways to attract an audience, and stay solvent.

Kanye West has been making repeated attempts to liven up the ceremony.  Inject a little life into the staid, lifeless proceedings only to be spurned by the very industry he is struggling to save.  However, there is some movement at the top.

There are plans to the song of the year award decided in a "Survivor" style competition.  Singers will need to crawl across a rope bridge suspended over a pit filled with ice water (filtered, carbonated mineral water, of course) while singing the nominated composition.  Competitors will try to knock them off of the bridge by hurling insults, slander, recriminations, and tennis balls.  The contestant who crosses the pit the quickest will receive immunity, and be allowed to choose the competition used to decide the Grammy for New Artist of the year.  There is even talk of having the oscar winners face the grammy winners in a paintball contest.  This is very exciting, but that is only the beginning.

Hulk Hogan is going to give out the Grammy for Artist of the Year.  When the award is handed out Nature Boy Rick Flair is going to come storming in Stage Left, and smash a chair over the head of...  Wait, I can't tell you who is going to win the Grammy, contractual obligations.  Flair will climb up on the top rope, leap down and deliver a "Devastating Flying Body Slam of Doom" just as the grammy winner rolls from the ring, and is replaced by The Rock, who smiles winningly at the audience, while delivering a "The Peoples Elbow" to the prone Rick Flair, and accepting the award on behalf of the incapacitated recipient, whose identity is secret.  You are going to want to tune in for that.

Things seem to be in good hands.  Another national industry saved from financial collapse by solid American Know How, and a can do it spirit.  It brings a tear to the eye.

Top Ten List for 2014, installment 1, maybe.

New Years Eve is almost here.  2014 is almost over and 2015 is coming fast.  It is always exciting to start something new, but, there is a a sense of melancholy involved in saying good bye to something that has been around for a whole year.  2014 provided a lot of entertainment, and some very notable accomplishments, and it is time we look at our top ten.*

10.  The movie "Frozen."  We didn't see it, true, but so many people enjoyed the Disney offering that it had to be good, and we hate to be left out of conversations.  Today we are going to buy the Cliff Notes "Frozen," and brush up on this enchanting movie, and all of the wonderful songs, and the gripping story, and characters.  So, if you want to talk about what a great movie it was, we are ready, or will be by this evening.

9.  Pharrell Williams, singer, song writer, and seemingly all around decent guy.  While it is true we don't actually own any of his music, that song "Happy" is delightful.  Ok, we have never heard the whole thing, but what we have heard has made us... well... Happy.  In fact one of our new years resolution is to listen to the whole song, perhaps even buying it, and we are sure it costs $1.29 and we have vowed never to spend more than $0.99, we may make an exception.  But, don't get your hopes too high, Pharrell.  Another plus during an interview we saw, he seems to possess an extraordinary temperament, and be genuinely a nice person.  Our hats are off to you, Mr. Williams, by the way, we are a little envious of your expansive assortment of hats.

8.  Apple vs. Google. vs. Microsoft.  We are not technical enough to have a favorite, but the constant need to one up each other has given us most of the cool things of the 21st century.  We love cool things.

7.  American politics.  Sure, it is an odious, despicable spectacle, and it seems to destroy any semblance of humanity in anybody foolish enough to be elected it makes for the best kind of comedy.  Tragedy.  So, thank you, please, don't give up.

6.  The European Space Agency, who landed a refrigerator sized object on a comet, or meteor, we are not sure which.  Now, if they can land a big screen television sized object, a couch sized thing, and a microwave sized apparatus we will have all the makings of a Super Bowl Party sized organism forming spontaneously.  Now, that is science.

* Some of these things may have been from before 2014.  If there are any chronological errors, please let us know in the comments section, and we will use a time machine to correct reality.  We hate being wrong.

Happy New Year, well, that is up to you.

We, here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) are working around the clock to bring you the New Year (#haveagreatnewyear), on time and under budget.  It has been a very busy year, many great things, many less than great things, and a few really bad things, have happened around here this year.  But, you deserve a New Year (#haveahappynewyear), and it shouldn't cost a cent more than the agreed upon price.

Of course, the cost of raw materials has increased dramatically.  Many people feel that the increase is caused by several third world countries deciding to have a Happy New Year, so there is more competition for the resources required.  And moving those raw materials from place to place is hideously expensive, too.  But, we are willing to bear the increased expense to bring you the best New Year (#newyear) money can buy, don't worry that most of it will be our money.

We are not even going to raise the subject of labor costs...  Oops, I guess we already raised the subject.  Well, since we are talking about it anyway, it takes a lot of man hours and woman hours, (it takes absolutely no children hours, so anybody from the National Labor Relations Board, or the United State Department of Labor who happen to be looking, look elsewhere) to construct a decent New Year (#newyearyeahright).  But, we have your backs, and will pay the wages, compensation, bonuses, payroll taxes, insurance premiums, and other costs associated with the project.

It is vital to craft the New Year (#newyearwhocares) skillfully, and with quality components.  We only have to look back on 1988, that year was built with inferior,second hand supplies, by temporary employees working out of a condemned building on the Great Malting Peninsula in Pocatello, Idaho.  We all remember what a disaster that was.  1989 (which was no picnic) looked good just because it wasn't 1988.  People were dancing in the streets, singing "Gonna party like it's 1989," which later became a very popular song for an artist who was known as Prince, then was known as an artist formerly known as Prince, but is now an artist who is known as Prince, or possibly an artist who was formerly known as an artist formerly known... Anyway, he took a good idea and made it better, and harmonious, and musical, and profitable.

There is no need to worry, though, we here at Life Explained, (#priceexplained) are committed to making 2015 a good year, no matter how much it costs, within reason, of course.  We will spare no expense, for the most part, to bring you the best available year.  We are willing to go as far as we have to, as long as it is not too far, to produce a year that will not be forgotten.  Not "not forgotten" like 1988, either.  

But, if you want to help, (and who doesn't?) we are accepting donations, anything will help.  New Year, it is a precious resource, too valuable to be wasted, too important to ignore, and too expensive to be cheap about, so give generously.

Thank you,

Life Explained.

Reasons, by the number.

Sometimes life is very strange, taking unexpected turns often leaving you in difficult situations.  With little warning, short of breath, and cash you are forced to scramble through whatever swampy situation hoping to get out alive. Nobody gets out unscarred, you accepted that long ago. "We're all boxed in, nowhere to escape."*  Sometimes, it seems a lot of bother with no visible pay out.

So, we live, and then we stop.  And in between there is a lot of commotion, and change, and a lot of what can seem to be pointless struggles against toxic cruel adversity and endless overwhelming responsibility.   But, is it all worth it?  Yes, and you need to find your reasons, a list of good things, things that make the battle worth fighting.  Things that make life as a human, on Earth enjoyable. Things that make the Grim Reaper grim.

Here is my list for the day.

1. Donuts,
2. Pizza,
3. Coffee, (man that stuff is so good),
4. Bob Dylan music, (that should be higher, but the hunger is strong in this one, Emperor),
5. Three day weekends (coincidentally, there is one coming for a certain happy blogger this week),
6. New glasses, and they look good,
7. My car, it is the best one I have ever owned.
8. Kentucky Bourbon, (if it isn't from Kentucky it's just whiskey),
9. Smart phones, you can do almost anything with them,
10. The NCAA basketball tournament, the best sporting event of all time, especially when your team wins,
11. My friend, Doctor Dawg, he may be a nuisance but we are tight,
12. My wife, she is "too bright a light for anybodies eyes"**, she would be #1 if she ever read my blog,***
13. Prime numbers, everybody knows they are lucky, so we end on 13,

Take that, pale rider.  When you come for me, don't expect me to go quietly, I have a lot of things
going on, and you will just have to wait, so take a number, have a seat, relax, get comfortable, it is going to be a while, because in the immortal words of Bob Dylan;

"pick up your money, pack your tent,  you ain't a goin' nowhere."

Everybody has to make their own list of course, and it should be monitored and updated with the changes in situations, feel free to use any of my reasons they are universal, except for 11, Doctor Dawg is kind of possessive and 12, though, she probably doesn't read your blog either, but she is wonderful.


* Bob Dylan
**  More Bob Dylan.
*** I would have added my sons, they are the best thing I have ever had a part in, but it was a little unwieldy.