A New Day, A New Adventure, Right?

Today, when I left home, my wife told me to try to lighten up a little. Things have been kind of dark lately. She is, often, the best gauge of my mental condition. Driving to work I thought about what she said, and knew she was right. Life has been too morbid lately. Headlines have consumed substance, reality has been replaced by superficial concerns, and it has really put a zap on my spirit. With that in mind I was going to write a list of my five favorite apps.

After a lot of thought it was impossible to narrow it down to five. I do love apps, little bitty gifts from the gods of technology. And you know something, I can never scroll past a post or article about apps. If it has the headline "15 great free apps," or anything similar I am hooked. Normally I end up getting one or two of them, and they aren't always so great. But, If you want to know which app is best for any particular task just send me a question at TweetTweetJohn@yahoo.com and I will be glad to give you my opinion, even if I have to make it up.*

I decided to go with sports., Unfortunately, right now the whole world is obsessed with Super Bowl commercials, and long ago I made the decision to boycott the commercials. It might give me something to discuss with my coworkers. Monday, I was at the dentist getting some small procedure done, really small, it didn't even require Novocaine, and in the middle there was a feature on the national morning news show previewing the super bowl commercials. My dentist, and his assistant had to stop, despite having all four hands and several sharp, sadistic, pointed things in my mouth, and watch, in rapt attention. It has become obscenely spiritual for the world. Despite all of our differences everyone can agree the Doritos commercial was fantastic. I don't even care who wins the football game, though oddly enough I do care who loses. Sports was out.

And it is too early for the Life Explained Lawn Care and Gardening Extravaganza, and too late for the 100 Best Christmas Gifts to Give to a Life Explained Staff Writer. But, Valentines Day is coming, and by an odd coincidence, I have actually been to Valentine, NE. So I decided to go with that.

Last time we were in South Dakota, and we had to go to Nebraska I told my wife, "don't worry, I
know how to get to there," Unfortunately, I did, but not the way we were supposed to go. We ended up 75 miles, or about 75 miles east, of Valentine, in Ainsworth, Of course, from what little I could tell, there is not a lot of difference between Ainsworth and Valentine (they are both lovely, little Nebraska towns) except for geographical placement. And the only real tragedy was we were heading for Valentine, and points south. So, my wife sighed, turned west and rolled her eyes up in her head so far it looked painful, and asked what we should do for lunch. She has become accustomed to my navigational adventures.

To my wife; Happy Valentines Day! Where do you want to go for dinner, I will get directions.



* Not really, I will probably at least look into it, and read something about great apps for whatever you asked about, before I make something up.

Falcons, Patriots, and Indigestion, That is Super.

Ah, Super Bowl weekend*, the pinnacle of the NFL season, they culmination of months of preparation, planning, coordinating, scheming, all wrapped up in a weekend of gluttony.  A festival of televised excess, all of the grandeur, drama, and, pageantry that sweaty grown men, covered in pads, dressed in color coordinated uniforms, screaming coaches, and overenthusiastic announcers can muster.  

It was five short months ago they started the pregame show... no wait, five months ago they started the season.  A season filled with opportunity, the dreams of millions of fans riding a roller coaster of momentary hope and crushing reality, hoping to be the fans who could say, after this very weekend, "our millionaires are so much tougher than your millionaires, our rich guys might be the toughest in the land."  Trash talking is not what it used to be.  

Most fans will have to settle for the comfort of knowing that their millionaires played their hearts out,
leaving it all on the field, for the game they love, the team they are with, the city in which they play, the fans who constantly second guess their abilities and their coaches decision making skills, and millions of dollars.  Small comfort, though it is.

But, now the big weekend is here fans everywhere can watch while the networks try to rake in every stray penny they can.  If you will pardon the expression, for television, this is like the Super Bowl of Super Bowls.  Advertisers are lined up to spend huge sums of money for paltry seconds.  After spending a fortune to produce a commercial that will have people talking about their commercial, though, maybe not their product.

It is a uniquely American phenomenon, this Super Bowl madness, unless you count the World Cup in soccer (futbol to people who aren't American), or the World Cup in Rugby, or maybe the Olympics, or The Stanley Cup, or the selection of the next Pope, or the running of the bulls, or... well, maybe it is not so unique, but, it is still a big deal, particularly if you like commercial advertisements.


*I'm not really sure when the Super Bowl (this is a job for the Super Bowl) is, this weekend, next weekend, but for the sake of this post it doesn't really matter.

How to Love The NFL.

There is an old joke, “what is the difference between the NFL and the Houses of Congress?” The NFL is filled with people making enormous amounts of money doing something of no benefit to anyone… Wait, I think that was suppose to be Congress is filled with… I think I forgot the punchline, or the riddle. Either way, this time of year it is important to be able to talk about the NFL, the playoffs, and the teams involved. You should be able to throw in a few terms like “blitz” “zone coverage,” “post route,” and “super bowl commercials.”

“Hey, Bob, did you see that game between the Cowboys and the Vikings? It was a close game, with a lot of blitz, and zone and post routing. Fortunately for the Cowboys they played on land, had it been on sea the Vikings and their vastly superior knowledge of ocean going vessels would have won in a rout. Please hand me the French Vanilla aerated non dairy creamer, and the a couple of packets of all natural, saccharine free artificial sweetener.”

In that one sentence you have convinced Bob that your a knowledgeable professional football fan with a firm grasp of Nordic history and tradition who is careful about what he puts in his coffee. And you still have “super bowl commercials” stashed safely away. An ace in the hole. Soon people will be coming to you for pregame analysis, in game commentary and post game autopsy. 

This is an awesome responsibility. You must temper what you say. No matter your personal opinion you shouldn’t say things like “Bob, your team got waxed, they played like a bunch of old women waiting on a bus. Which is ok because I hate them, if they never won again it would be too soon. If they played the Black Plague I would root against them.” People get upset about those kinds of statements. In many ways they identify so closely with the teams it becomes like an attack on their person. In essence, they assume, you just said you like a medieval disease spread by flea infested rats and  killed 60% of the population of Europe more than you like them. Which is kind of hurtful.

And after your showy, pretentious display of Scandinavian history people are going to assume you understand the awful implications of invoking such a dreadful scourge. In a way you are a real jerk! What did Bob ever do to you anyway? You know what, you can get your own dammed coffee creamer.

Pro Football, Reinvented.

Since it is the new year, it seems only fitting that this post address the goals for the coming year, or the achievements of last year. Having made it through 2016 seems like quite an accomplishment, so that is enough. As for goals for next year, I plan on making it to 2018. It will not be easy, but with a little luck and some planning it should be reachable.

Mostly New Years day is about football. Since it is on Sunday, which is the day the NFL plays the bowl games have been moved to Monday, which is when most of America (me) goes back to work there is college basketball. Pro sports are not really sports to me. They are much more business like, cut and dried. Not like a real business with spreadsheets, and memos, emails and faxes, but not like a game, either. It is hard to get excited about a guy who makes more in an afternoon than most of us will make in a year.

It might be a lot more entertaining if they had to forfeit part of their pay if they performed poorly. “Well, Chip, dropping that pass was sure costly. He is writing a check to the league, now. Just look at all those zeroes.” But, they can play awfully and still have a big paycheck waiting at the end of the tunnel. Yes, the coach may be facing a hostile press corps, and possible job loss, the players are insulated by dollar signs.

But, that would probably not make it that much better. Neither do the pregame shows, where they talk endlessly about tactics, matchups, and game plans. All with a warm smile, some jokes, and a few friendly jabs at each other. It is easier to make bold predictions when there is nothing lost. If they had to answer for each glaring mistake they might use more guarded optimism. But, people don’t want reasonable assumptions, they want fearless predictions, no matter how far in error.

We have groups of people that are paid to perform, paid well, with easily “quantifiable metrics,” with no retribution. Imagine, though, if the “experts” consuming all of the air time, making brash statements, were held accountable. “Last week you claimed the Cowboys were going to beat the Indians. You claimed it would not be in doubt. The Indians have not played so well since Little Big Horn. How do you justify such a wildly inaccurate guess?”
 
“Well, Cowboy safety Ian Klackbury played like poop, he couldn’t stop the run, and he let them pass
over the top all day long. And the whole offensive line was missing in action. It was humiliating. They should be ashamed.”

“For rebuttal we bring in the the Cowboy offensive line, and free safety Ian Klackbury. How do you plead?” At this point the coaches and players would have to justify their poor play, or lacking the ability to marshal sufficient arguments challenge the show host to a no holds barred cage match. Pro sports could be entertaining, they just don’t do it properly.

Life Explains Hires an Actor, and makes a commercial.

We, here at Life Explained, Ohio(LEO) would like to introduce the newest member of our staff, Star of Stage and Screen, winner of awards too numerous and prestigious to catalog in one simple blog post.

A man so famous, so renowned one name is sufficient around the world, from Amsterdam to Zanzibar, Poughkeepsie to Piscataway all you need to say is, "Hey, look, it's him!" and people will stop and look, mouths agape with wonder, eyes wide with awe, hands hanging uselessly at their sides, legs, legs paralyzed, hearts beating out of control, many people will experience an out of body occurrence at the sight.  Some never fully recover from the experience, that is star power.

That's right, it's Bil.






















Bil is not our typical hire, he is not a scientist or academia, but we needed some star power for our Super Bowl commercial. We are going to screen it here, for all of our fans.

Santa Comes Early to Life Explained Ohio Office (LEOO)

Great news, when we got to work this morning there was a new freezer in the kitchen. Nobody knows where it cam from, Santa maybe. It had a logo on it, that might be a reindeer, or a horse of some type.

Anyway, it was filled these delicious goodies, hundreds of them. The instructions are all in Mandarin. But, if we know anything, here at Life Explained Ohio Office (LEOO) it is how to microwave a frozen burrito.

Of course we also know the perfect wine to accompany a burrito. With a bean burrito (microwaved on 75% power for 79 seconds*) you serve a Suavignon Blanc, chilled to 43 degrees. With a steak burrito (microwaved on 90% power for 81 seconds*) you serve a Merlot, chilled to 39 degrees.


Then there was an all day pass to the amusement park for Sunday from a company called the "Carolina Panthers." We don't know what they do, but for some reason they don't want us watching the NFL games this weekend. We are not sure why.


* Don't worry about the varying power of microwaves. These are immutable laws of nature.

Sunday, and the news.

I am not sure there is much left worth saving. Watching the Sunday Morning NFL pre-game show on television they devoted a whole, lengthy portion of the show to discuss a football player who had been accused of beating his wife.

It was a very somber discussion. With overtones of punishment and retribution. Everybody was outraged. Different targets were dragged through the cross hairs of the panels vitriol, and outrage.  It was so serious they had to bring in experts. Football players and sports announcers, and some other sport "personalities." It was gripping. 

It went on for hours, at least it seemed like hours, and in the end they decided that he should not have beaten his wife. I wasn't paying that much attention, but it seemed to be a split decision about whether he should be playing but it seemed unanimous about domestic violence being bad. It was gripping.

It is amazing how long so many can talk about something so serious, so tragic, and never say anything worth listening to. And how many people watch and listen. 

Normally I don't watch anything involving professional sports, and I hardly ever watch a pregame anything, but my son is a big sports fan. The sins of the son being visited upon the father.

It seems like this whole thing is a comedy of errors, he beat his wife, and there are pictures of evidence. But, he was never prosecuted. He was suspended, but it was reduced, and he was signed to a new contract by the Cowboys, and it gives the people on television something to act indignant about.

In the end nobody is going to do anything, and life will go on. Winning is everything, and a woman's bruises and scars are fodder for people fighting for ratings. Enjoy the game.

"I was sitting home alone one night,

in LA watching old Cronkite on the seven o'clock news

Seems there was an earthquake that left

nothing but a panama hat and a pair of Greek shoes,

Didn't seem like much was happening 

so I turned it off and went to get another beer

Seems like every time you turn around 

there's another hard luck story that you're gonna hear

And I never did plan to go anyway

To Black Diamond Bay."

Black Diamond Bay by Bob Dylan

Damn Those Patriots.

Until recently the I cared very little for the NFL. Oh sure I would always pick a team to root for, normally right after the Super Bowl. Man, I was on a roll there, my teams were kicking bottom, It was a great system.

It was an ill wind that blew in from the Northeast. There was a group of men, who had the audacity to call themselves patriots, and even invoked the image of the Minute Man, cheating. And not just cheating either, you know grabbing a little extra jersey, or poking a guy in the snoot at the bottom of a pile, or saying heinous things about an opponents Mother when lining up against him, they all do that, it is an accepted part of the game.

And it wasn't just the garden variety schmoozing of the referee, in an effort to distract him, or "accidentally" stepping on the quarterback while he is laying on the ground, or the greasing of the uniform with slippery silicone to make yourself more difficult to tackle, or having the person with the down marker distract the coach by chewing gum and popping bubbles as annoyingly loud as possible, everybody does those things. That is just strategy.

No, this was much worse, it was so bad even the NFL and the Super Fans who anchor the shows on
ESPN and Fox Sports had to say something. That is how desperate it has become. It seems that the quarterback deflated some footballs that were used by the other team.  It was so bad that the NFL suspended him from four games. But, the American Judicial system in its zeal to mete out justice overturned the suspension. Justice at work, an American Symbol.

During the opening game between the Steelers and the "Patriots" (don't make me laugh) the Line Judge called a False Start on the right tackle of the New England team, and was about to assess a five yard penalty, but the Judge came out on the field and overruled him. He actually called an encroachment on Pittsburgh and gave the five yards to New England. The Pittsburgh coaching staff was livid, and were almost charged with Contempt of the Court. It was so close.

Thank goodness they had soothing music being piped into all of their communication gear, or it could have gotten ugly.

NFL the season begins.

Last night the NFL season officially began, here are the highlights. Two teams filled with huge, fast, fit men making gigantic piles of money lined up in opposing lines and ran as hard and as fast as they could until they slammed into each other.

One team scored more points and won the game. But, I am not sure how many points they scored, I am pretty certain the Patriots won, though, because according to reports they are unrepentant cheaters. Scofflaws, ne'er do wells, that disregard rules, regulations, and common decency. Which makes winning a lot easier.

Here is the problem, there are people lining up to offer damning evidence that the Patriots are cheating. Somebody is obviously not very patriotic. At this point it is difficult to tell whether it is the Patriots who, by the act of cheating so blatantly that even the NFL has noticed, are defiling the decent name of patriotism, or the accusers who, tired of losing, and watching the New England team bask in the glory of victory are unfairly accusing a group of Patriots, who are guilty of nothing more than excellence.

And either way I am furious. Those bastards! I just don't know where to vent my outrage right yet.

But, if the Patriots are guilty I would like to offer them the opportunity to run my fantasy team, with their alleged ability to game the system, and my indifference to fantasy sports we could go a long way. What do you say, Bill?

Fantasy Football, A Dream Season.

My cousin, Mike, (in our family we call him Handsome Mike) sent me a poster with the Nebraska basketball schedule, it was a very nice gesture.  In a way, he kind of owed me.  He sent one to me earlier, but, in typical fashion for my family (we think we are so funny) he addressed it to my wife, who kept it.  She is a big fan of the team, and the coach, and, in typical fashion for my wife, likes to do things that will irritate me (she thinks she is so funny).  But, now I have my own, and can look up the next game with impunity.  "Oh, did you notice, we play the Hoosiers next Tuesday?"  I can ask.  I say we, to signal solidarity, my wife, the team, and me.  I am sure they say the same thing.

Earlier this year, my cousin, Adorable Mike, asked me if I wanted to participate in a fantasy football league, I said sure, sign me up. This is not my first rodeo, or at least not my first attempt at fantasy football, anyway, I've never been in a rodeo.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I know one end of a horse from another, but would just as soon stay away from both ends, the one that kicks, and the end that bites.  Plus, there are all those flies hanging around stables, and where there are flies there are spiders.
All in all, it is just a good idea to stay away from farm animals, dangerous things.  And don't even get me started on the smell...  oops.

Anyway, I agreed to join Mike's league, thinking this time it would be different, I would pour my heart and soul into studying the choices, and draft a good team.  Every week would be an opportunity to prove myself, my ability to locate talent overlooked by others, my unique eye for the undiscovered.  I picked a cool name, the Demons, and went on a scouting trip, time to find some talent.

Then, it hit me, I don't know anything about the NFL, its players, or the teams.  So, I started looking into things.  At some point the league had changed, almost radically.  Now there is a North and South division in each conference and the central divisions are gone.  When did that happen?  Why wasn't I informed?

Plus, fantasy football is a real task.  I am not sure how it works, but it seems that the performance of the players on your team are graded against expectations, and a numerical value is assigned according to degree of success.  Then all of these scores are added together and that is how each game is scored.  I think.  Every week is the arduous, time consuming, painstaking task of looking at how each player is predicted to perform, and trading for those whose odds of overachieving are the greatest.  I think.  That does sound like fun!!!

My cousin, Mike the Striking told me that the Demons are in the playoffs.  I suppose it is time to get serious about finding the right balance for the long haul to the championship.  Unfortunately, I don't remember my user name or password.

Don't forget to tune in next week to find out how we did.  Bring your own confetti, I think there will be a big party.

Attracting Fans, Difficulties and Rewards

NFL Stadiums are looking for unique, entertaining diversions to attract fans.  Pleasantries to bring people out of the comforts of their homes in to huge arenas filled with strangers.  It is perplexing, attracting people to these giant monstrosities, parking miles away, standing in long lines to enter, exit, and waiting for hours in your car to drive home.  If only there were a competition, some sort of game being played in the center of the arena.  What?  There is, you say?  Oh, then what is the problem?

It seems the average ticket price into an NFL game is $84.83 which is kind of pricey.  So, that could be part of the problem.  If you have a family of four and you are fortunate to earn middle class wages that is a huge part of your budget.  Well, at least it only costs $10.00 for parking.

But, once you are inside you can immerse your little family in the total experience.  It will only cost you $5.00 for a soft drink, or popcorn, and $8.00 for a beer, or a hot dog.  But, the service is so extraordinary that the budget busting prices won't seem extravagant.  Just kidding, you will probably stand in line long enough to watch your clothes go out of style.

Your seats are liable to be uncomfortable, with enough leg room for a child, and in the center of a long row, so every time you need to get out everybody will be inconvenienced and worried about spilling a hundred dollars of food and drinks.  And, it will be the same when you return.

Of course, there is the game, which might be so far away that you might not be able to tell which team is which, (think Tecmo Bowl, who has the ball, or what everybody is cheering about.  And, even if you can see well enough to enjoy the game your legs will cramp from being folded into such an awkward way, and your fingers will cramp from trying to hold a drink, a snack, and all of the prohibitively expensive souvenirs you bought,(possibly a mortgage payments worth) and live in terror of losing of destroying.

What can they do to attract more fans?  It is a puzzle, wrapped inside a riddle, tied up with a question, and tossed into a trunk of troubling doubt.  What do you think they should do.  The best suggestion will get an honorable tweet, with the #bestsuggestion.  I know, it is such an honor.

Ok, this is not new.

It is Friday, and my the results of my blood tests are back from the doctor's office, and there was, and I quote, "good improvement" on my serum cholesterol level, and my ALT (whatever that is).  Amazing what wonders can be had by a change of diet and taking your medicine.  So, that made me happy.

On the way to work this morning, Siri was particularly cooperative, playing a variety of wonderful selections, ending with "I Ain't Got You," by the Yardbirds, timing it perfectly, it ended as I backed into the parking space, and it was a superb job of backing in, if I do say so myself, straight, and just far enough, really an amazing show of parking prowess.  

"I got a tavern, and a liquor store,
I play the numbers, yeah four forty four,
I got a mojo, yeah don't you know,
I'm all dressed up with no place to go."

Plus, my cousin  +Michael McNeil , Mike the Attractive is what he is called in local lore, in a spasm of familial generosity has invited me to participate in his Fantasy football league.  So, things are looking good, and in the spirit of giving I have decided to share my old Fantasy Football post again, if you hated it then wait until you read it now.  Besides this will give me an opportunity to work on my video production skills, there is much riding on the "Video Production DeathMatch" between +Mike Raven and me, well not really all that much, but it matters little, winning is winning, right?

So, here you go, enjoy, or I will post another dog video.

My younger cousin Mike, who has some sort of milk shake obsession, (a complex, yet treatable, affliction: we need to act, Life Explained fans, to end this horrible disease, we are accepting donations now, please give generously to this noble cause) asked me to join his Fantasy Football league.  It was an act of kindness and generosity so noble and pure as to make a grown man weep.   But, there is no time for that, we are talking fantasy football here.

Acting quickly, as is my norm, I assembled one of the finest teams to ever take the field.  I filled both lines with Trolls and Orcs, man those guys are big, and mean, plus they are not above taking a cheap shot in the scrum that develops on running plays up the middle.

At fullback we had a dwarf, tough, resilient, unafraid to get his nose out of joint in dive plays, and short yardage situations.  Also, the ax is a real bonus when pass blocking.

Tailbacks, receivers and defensive backs were all elves, tall, lithe, athletic and fast.  Elves have great hands, can change direction quickly, and can make "magic" catches.  They are hard to beat.

Our linebackers were all vampires, fast, agile, aggressive and hostile.  They scared the bejesus out of opponents, and teammates, and coaches, and fans, vendors, office staff, grounds crew.  They were really frightening, but nobody wanted to be the one to tell them they were being traded.

Here was the real genius, though, we put a Wizard at quarterback!  Not just any wizard either, a powerful, steely eyed, resolute mage, unshakable, unflappable, almost un-sackable, a quick learner, able to control the huddle and make the right audibles at the line.  Kind of a father figure to the whole team, and able to conjure up a cooler full of beer on a whim.

It was a solid team, and we could go far, if we took it one game at a time, and gave 110 % and didn't overlook anybody, and all of those other things that a team needs to do to have a successful season.

Man, we cruised, too.  Running right over the top of the Lions, and the Bears, and the Panthers, and the Broncos, (we even made an unscheduled stop to stomp on the Tigers, even though they are a baseball team, we hate animals) destroying the Cowboys, and the Redskins, and the Vikings.  The Eagles, and their high flying antics gave us a few problems, at first, but as soon as we scattered fish all over the field it was over, stupid birds.

Nobody could handle our mix of speed, strength, and horrifying undead awfulness.  We were a team of destiny.

Then we had to face the Giants in the Championship game.  They crushed us.  Still, it was a good season, next year we might try to draft a little more size.

Thanks for the invitation, Mike.

Dateline: Washington DC

In surprise news from the capital elected officials did nothing to solve the deadlock, end the government shutdown, or even ameliorate the anxiety caused by the sequester cuts.

Meetings are not scheduled, phone calls are not planned, emails are un-typed, and progress is not being made in a dramatic fashion.  In unrelated news several large conference rooms are available for rent, cheap, in the capitol building.  "Hey, we're not using them, and they would be great for weddings, bar mitzvahs, or family reunions, " one elected official (who would only identify himself as "crazy Bob, the Capitol's Best Realtor) said "but, you will need to clean them yourselves, all of the janitors are furloughed."

"We were elected to lead this great nation," one congress person told us, anonymously, "and that is what we are doing.  Don't blame us if it looks a little silly from the outside.  Hey, I was a dentist, before being elected, and there were no classes in national governance, and finance, international cooperation, or consensus building among disparate ideologies in dental school, and nobody gave us any directions when we got here (in fact they were kind of sanctimonious jerks).  We are just kind of winging it.  They all think it is so easy, maybe they should try it once in a while.  Ingrate constituents, anyway.  I tell you this is like pulling teeth."

The forecast for today, expect torrential downpours of pointing fingers, flurries of childish, petulant behavior and gusts of complete disregard for responsibility.

Tune in tomorrow, when I will predict (within 2 points) the winner and the point spread of tonight's NFL game between two teams, whose names escape me for the moment.  I think it is the Millionaires vs the Filthy Rich. but I will investigate further.

It isn't what you know, it's who.

Several years ago about this time of year we were on vacation.  My brother in law asked if I wanted to take part in a fantasy football league.  Heck yes, I am a guy, and I know one end of a football from the other (that does not sound quite right, but you know what I mean).  So, thinking this was my ticket to the big time I started researching.  What are the benefits of a "cover two," and how do you defend the middle of the field.  What is the best way to counter a "safety blitz" from the left side of the formation and still get your tail back into the flat as an outlet receiver?  What stadium has the best nachos in the US?  I left no internet football site unexplored.  I knew more about Andy Reid than his MD.  I was ready.  When the time came he emailed the link to my sons and me.

First thing you have to do in fantasy football; draft your team.  What!!!  I don't know anything about the best tight end, and if he hasn't been dating a Kardashian, or in a shouting match with the police, or winning some award of some kind, I have probably never heard of most players in any position.  There are so many of them.  Needless to say, I just guessed.  Well, that is OK, I will make up for my lack of player evaluations with superior coaching.

The really good part, is I have teenage sons who could help me with the parts of the league I didn't understand.  "Dad, you aren't doing it right, you are going to get slaughtered" was the extent of the help.

After two and a half months of endless days, and sleepless nights the draft ended, and I had me a pretty solid little team, built around an offensive line of impressive players.  It didn't matter that I knew nothing about any of them, or anybody else on the team.  There were enough guys, and that was the important thing.

We went into the first week feeling pretty good about our chances, me and my little team of nameless, faceless, unheard of potential superstars.  It was all decided by statistical comparisons, and my vast knowledge of spread offenses and defensive packages designed to fool even the most seasoned of quarterbacks availed me naught.

My team was destroyed.  But, there was hope, we could trade with other "coaches."  Nobody would answer my emails.  It was like high school all over again.  Only with email.

Soon, my players began faking injuries.  It was an epidemic of artificial agony that swept through the NFL.  Real NFL players were acting hurt just to avoid being on my fantasy team.

Out of 12 teams I finished 15th.  The NFL sent me a "cease and desist order" and every time I drive through the small community where my sister and brother in law live people line the streets to take my picture.  I am kind of a celebrity.

Microwave Patriotism.