Falcons, Patriots, and Indigestion, That is Super.

Ah, Super Bowl weekend*, the pinnacle of the NFL season, they culmination of months of preparation, planning, coordinating, scheming, all wrapped up in a weekend of gluttony.  A festival of televised excess, all of the grandeur, drama, and, pageantry that sweaty grown men, covered in pads, dressed in color coordinated uniforms, screaming coaches, and overenthusiastic announcers can muster.  

It was five short months ago they started the pregame show... no wait, five months ago they started the season.  A season filled with opportunity, the dreams of millions of fans riding a roller coaster of momentary hope and crushing reality, hoping to be the fans who could say, after this very weekend, "our millionaires are so much tougher than your millionaires, our rich guys might be the toughest in the land."  Trash talking is not what it used to be.  

Most fans will have to settle for the comfort of knowing that their millionaires played their hearts out,
leaving it all on the field, for the game they love, the team they are with, the city in which they play, the fans who constantly second guess their abilities and their coaches decision making skills, and millions of dollars.  Small comfort, though it is.

But, now the big weekend is here fans everywhere can watch while the networks try to rake in every stray penny they can.  If you will pardon the expression, for television, this is like the Super Bowl of Super Bowls.  Advertisers are lined up to spend huge sums of money for paltry seconds.  After spending a fortune to produce a commercial that will have people talking about their commercial, though, maybe not their product.

It is a uniquely American phenomenon, this Super Bowl madness, unless you count the World Cup in soccer (futbol to people who aren't American), or the World Cup in Rugby, or maybe the Olympics, or The Stanley Cup, or the selection of the next Pope, or the running of the bulls, or... well, maybe it is not so unique, but, it is still a big deal, particularly if you like commercial advertisements.


*I'm not really sure when the Super Bowl (this is a job for the Super Bowl) is, this weekend, next weekend, but for the sake of this post it doesn't really matter.

How to Love The NFL.

There is an old joke, “what is the difference between the NFL and the Houses of Congress?” The NFL is filled with people making enormous amounts of money doing something of no benefit to anyone… Wait, I think that was suppose to be Congress is filled with… I think I forgot the punchline, or the riddle. Either way, this time of year it is important to be able to talk about the NFL, the playoffs, and the teams involved. You should be able to throw in a few terms like “blitz” “zone coverage,” “post route,” and “super bowl commercials.”

“Hey, Bob, did you see that game between the Cowboys and the Vikings? It was a close game, with a lot of blitz, and zone and post routing. Fortunately for the Cowboys they played on land, had it been on sea the Vikings and their vastly superior knowledge of ocean going vessels would have won in a rout. Please hand me the French Vanilla aerated non dairy creamer, and the a couple of packets of all natural, saccharine free artificial sweetener.”

In that one sentence you have convinced Bob that your a knowledgeable professional football fan with a firm grasp of Nordic history and tradition who is careful about what he puts in his coffee. And you still have “super bowl commercials” stashed safely away. An ace in the hole. Soon people will be coming to you for pregame analysis, in game commentary and post game autopsy. 

This is an awesome responsibility. You must temper what you say. No matter your personal opinion you shouldn’t say things like “Bob, your team got waxed, they played like a bunch of old women waiting on a bus. Which is ok because I hate them, if they never won again it would be too soon. If they played the Black Plague I would root against them.” People get upset about those kinds of statements. In many ways they identify so closely with the teams it becomes like an attack on their person. In essence, they assume, you just said you like a medieval disease spread by flea infested rats and  killed 60% of the population of Europe more than you like them. Which is kind of hurtful.

And after your showy, pretentious display of Scandinavian history people are going to assume you understand the awful implications of invoking such a dreadful scourge. In a way you are a real jerk! What did Bob ever do to you anyway? You know what, you can get your own dammed coffee creamer.

Life Explains Hires an Actor, and makes a commercial.

We, here at Life Explained, Ohio(LEO) would like to introduce the newest member of our staff, Star of Stage and Screen, winner of awards too numerous and prestigious to catalog in one simple blog post.

A man so famous, so renowned one name is sufficient around the world, from Amsterdam to Zanzibar, Poughkeepsie to Piscataway all you need to say is, "Hey, look, it's him!" and people will stop and look, mouths agape with wonder, eyes wide with awe, hands hanging uselessly at their sides, legs, legs paralyzed, hearts beating out of control, many people will experience an out of body occurrence at the sight.  Some never fully recover from the experience, that is star power.

That's right, it's Bil.






















Bil is not our typical hire, he is not a scientist or academia, but we needed some star power for our Super Bowl commercial. We are going to screen it here, for all of our fans.

Super Bowl Prediction, Chips Dip Drink, repeat.

It is almost time for the annual Life Explained, Ohio Office Superbowl Party. Preparations are proceeding at a fevered pitch. We have a DJ for the pregame party, a crate of assorted chips, wheel barrows full of dip, soft drinks, drinks that are not quite so soft, two submarine sandwiches of length that is almost obscene, cakes, pies, ice cream and a fog machine. Nobody really knows why we have a fog machine or who ordered it, but fog is cool, so nobody is complaining either.

Nobody has placed any bets on the potential outcome this year. We learned our lesson last year.

It seemed like a good idea when we started (it always does). Dr. Dawg had finally calibrated the Accelerated Clock Manipulation Express time travel device (ACME). We thought it would be an easy thing (we always do) to jump forward a couple of weeks and see who won the "big game."

Bob, from Corporate Communications "volunteered" to go. Bravely, chin up, with a winning smile on his heroic face Bob climbed in the the machine, and in a flash he was gone, and with a loud crack, followed by a slight sizzling sound, a little smoke from escaping form the collar of his blazer, he was back.

"Detroit won the Super Bowl," he said, "By seventeen points. The final score was 38 to 21."

We grabbed the phone, called our bookie, and said "we would like to bet $123,017.93* on Detroit to win the Super Bowl."

A silence on the other end, followed by a laugh, followed by a muffled comment, followed by more laughter, followed by "Detroit isn't in the Super Bowl."

"Oh. OK. We will call you back."

Turns out the future is not a static event, With infinite variables, and possibilities the time stream could flow to countless possible occurrences. Bob went back, forward, again, Flash, crack, sizzle, and said "Oakland wins the Super Bowl, by 3 points, 31 to 28."  The sizzling sound was coming from Bob. This time we had to throw a bucket of Gatorade on him, it ruined his tie, and he was furious.

We checked the paper and Oakland wasn't in the Super Bowl in our "temporal stream."

There didn't seem to be any point in trying to find the right future. Bob might explode with another trip, and nobody else wanted to "volunteer," so we decided to buy scratchers instead. We won $235.00 by the way.




We are working on a method to control all the variables and manipulate the future before the next Super Bowl, We just need a little more computational muscle, maybe some powered by fusion, what could go wrong.

So, if you aren't busy on Sunday, and want to stop by to catch the big game, we will be here. Chips, dips, wings, breadsticks, and buckets full of drinks. Keep an eye open for the Life Explained Super Bowl Commercial. We love it, it kills us!



*It was all we could get from the company funded retirement account.

Post Super Bowl Legal Team. Your Chance for Revenge.

Another Super Bowl come and gone.  Another team being cheered as world champions, another team glorified for winning.  There will probably be a celebration, and maybe a parade, possibly a visit to the White House.  What about the losers, though.  Nobody thinks about the trauma, the emotional scarring, the rancorous, terrible, stigma attached to the losing team.  Until Now.

We here at Dawg, Dog, and Stanley, LLP, Inc. are ready to help the Seahawks in their long, painful struggle
to regain some semblance of their former selves.  We want to help heal the deep, emotional anguish that haunts their dreams.

And, there is no better way to do this than big piles of cash.  Enough money that they can roll around in enormous piles of hundred dollar bills, bath in tubs full of the delightful stuff.

Why limit it to the Seahawks, though, think about the terrible scarring that the poor Indianapolis Colts have endured.  And the Panthers, sorry, we are not sure where they are from, but they are filled with self loathing, and doubt.  And the only way to make them whole is money.

Really, think of the long season that preceded the playoffs, a veritable row of pain, suffering and torment.  There were probably coaches fired, players cut, and lives ruined.  All because of the evil, cursed New England Patriots.  We are looking at a class action lawsuit, here.

If you were a member of a team that was humiliated by the New England Patriots, or a fan of a team shamed by them, or just want to get a little cut of the pie, contact the Legal Team at Dawg, Dog, and Stanley, LLP.

A Sunday for the Ages

Today is huge. A day of momentous importance. Today is the first annual, Life Explained (#lifeexplained) Stupendous Bowl World Championship. We have been working, struggling, fighting, clawing, and even playing a little football, to reach this day. It was a season of ups, downs, highs, lows, even a few middle of the road, unexceptional, averages, even some completely sub mediocres. But, it was a quite a race, and we are left with two teams, each wanting to walk away with the crown. Each wanting to win the coveted title, each wanting to wear the coveted sash proclaiming them Miss Life Explained… Wait, hold on, that is not until next September. But, this is almost as vicious.

 
Since it is so cold outside, we are playing indoors, and since we don't have a covered stadium we are cleared out the break room. It is pretty big, not football field big, but pretty big. We had to let some of the air out of the footballs (a big thanks to friend of the blog Bill Belichick, who once said "winning isn't everything, if you're a loser" for that tip).

 
After installing some bleachers, benches for the teams, several concession stands, a lot of beer vendors (a lot), locker rooms, a press box, a stage for the half time show, luxury boxes, and a jumbotron for replays, and commercials we discovered the break room was not nearly as big as we thought. Painting the lines on the floor we realized we would have to play on a field the size of a table.  While that would make for a very high scoring game there might be an unacceptably high number of injuries to the spectators, cheerleaders, sideline reporters, camera crews, international celebrities granted passes, and custodians who were dead set against this right from the beginning and only acquiesced when given assistant coaching gigs, complete with headsets, and clipboards.

Since good custodians are almost impossible to find in this high-tech, namby pamby world of geeks and nerds we decided to cancel the game. Instead we were going to crown the Life Explained Stupendous Bowl World Championship on a series of board games. Unfortunately, nobody here knows how to play any board games, except for a few of the I.T. guys who are going to a comic book convention, and will be unavailable for the competition. They refused to lend us any of their board games after the Wine Tasting, Fantasy Football Draft fiasco.

If it hadn't been for police intervention somebody might have died. When Bob, from the infirmary stood up and tried to draft the 1^st Cavalry the place erupted. People were trying to draft increasingly lethal entities. Everybody was arguing about who would win between Spider Man, and Bat Man, who was tougher, Dracula, or Frankenstein's Monster. Several expensive, graphing calculators were destroyed when the I.T. guys leaped on the backs of the guys from accounting, because they were drinking Chardonnay right out of the bottle, which was more than they could take. After that it got crazy.

We decided playing real football might be safer, and started a league. It was a good season, and there was a lot of drama. We really didn't think the finals through very well. Next year we are headed for the Bahamas for the post season. We have reserved the biggest room on the island for the games. We are selling tickets already, if you are interested.  This year we are just going to flip a coin, but it will be televised, live.  And, they are taking bets in Las Vegas.

An Important National Debate.

It is almost time, you can feel it in the air, step out the door, look around, and it is everywhere.  Drama, suspense, tension, intrigue, it is almost more than a nation can bear.  That's right folks, it almost time to decide who will perform during half time of the Super Bowl.  Not that it really matters, after that scintillating performance at half time last year by... (hey, does anybody remember who did the halftime show during the Super Bowl last year?  No, well that's ok, (note to self, fire research department)).  Ok, it was easy to forget when a person considers how exciting the game was between... (hey, do any of you remember who played in the Super Bowl last year?  No, well that's ok (note to self, DVR Super Bowl this year)).

Right now, it appears that it is a tight race between Weird Al Yankovic and anybody else, with anybody else holding a decisive edge.  But, that does not stop the rancorous, venomous debate.  Things are really heating up, and the opposing sides are looking increasingly violent.

An unnamed source in Congress said they are debating whether to intervene in the decision, and whether to have lunch at 11:30 or 12:00, and whether to set the thermostat at 72 degrees, or 75 degrees.  Plus,  they are debating the best route to the rest room, and which restroom has the best towels, and which movie deserves the Oscar for best picture this year.  Plus, they are debating if the junior senator from Oregon should sit in the 9th or 10th row, and where to get the best coffee, and Danish in the capitol.  In fact, according to almost everybody who is not in Congress they can not agree on, or accomplish, anything.  And both sides are looking increasingly violent.

The debate rages on, there is no end in sight, kind of like the Super Bowl half time show.  Remember, no matter how little it actually means to you personally, take a side, join the melee, lose your temper and be rude.  You might get elected.

Monday, the Day of Joy.

Yesterday was the Ground Hog Day, and the Super Bowl.  How are we supposed to survive that much intensity in one day.  Several people in Ohio were rushed to the emergency room because of the excitement.  Of course, the real cause for concern, and anxiety, and the resulting heart palpitations, and stress related ailments that had Ohio EMTs running without break, was the fact that Puxsatawney Phil claimed there would be 10 more weeks of winter, and Buckeye Chuck (the lesser known, but equally Marmot Rodent furry meteorologist from Ohio) said there was going to be an early spring.

In Ohio it is very bad form to malign anything Buckeye, (particularly the peanut butter filled chocolate confections that are designed and produced to look exactly like buckeyes, but are especially delicious, unlike the real buckeye nut which is inedible, and used mostly for jewelry) and everybody wants winter to end.  And, after the Polar Vortex has invaded twice, leaving a trail of frigid, icy destruction, winter is even less welcome.  But, Puxsatawney Phil is the original, he was even in a movie, and has had years to refine he weather predicting skills.  Nobody wants to bet against that kind of legacy.

Obviously, the only antidote for this kind of dilemma is a hard fought, close football game that goes right to the end and could be won by either team.  An epic struggle between equally matched opponents, decided by the skill, or athletic ability, or coaching wisdom of one team in the final seconds.  A game both teams, winner and loser, walk away from with pride...

Oops, that bowl was not very "super" at all.

Well, at least the weekend is over, and we can all get back to work, and forget all of the troubles that  plague our time off.  Now, we don't have to worry about all of that decision making, free will, now we can just take it easy and let someone else do all of the thinking for us.

Thank God, for Monday!

Time Travel, yeah, it ain't so great.

Recently a pair of Physics professors at the Michigan Technical University began a search for time travelers.  Using the benefits of modern technology they started searching social media sites for references to events that had yet to occur.  Maybe a tweet about what a snappy dresser Pope Francis was, pre-coronation.  Or some facebook post about Comet ISON, before it was discovered.   Those were the kinds of events they wanted to be the focus of the search.  Unfortunately, they found no evidence of time travel.

Though, in fairness, certain technological limitations inherent in many social media sites are not conducive to searching for time travelers.  Facebook allows the backdating of status updates, for example, which might explain how Abe Lincoln thanked everyone for getting the much coveted five dollar gig on his wall, while he was still in office.  And Google Trends will only show the most popular search terms, and time travelers are probably a little nerdy, and would not factor in with the "cool" kids, and their searches.

Also, and this is one thing they did not take into account, time travel imposes strict embargoes on information.  Recently, we here at Life Explained invented a time travel device.  We connected our cell phone with the copier, ran 220 volts through it, and typed tomorrow into a text and sent it to ourselves.  It started shaking, and moving across the floor like it was trying to run away, and the phone played a ring tone that sounded like a funeral dirge.  The lights in the whole building flickered, and seemed to be sending an SOS, and for a brief second I think Elvis was in the building.  And then;  BAM, it was tomorrow.

Thinking quickly, we jumped ahead to the end of the Super Bowl, and checked the winner, then came back and called our bookie, but we could not place the bet.  "Hello, Bob, the bookie, we would like to bet $10,000 big ones on ________ to win the Super Bowl."  It was blanked out by silence, we couldn't say it, we couldn't whisper it, we couldn't scream it.  We tried to fax it to Bob, and he got everything but the team.  Handwriting, emails, smoke signals, tweets, nothing worked.  

It was so frustrating to have that knowledge, so maddening to be able to look ahead and see the future, to understand the consequences of our actions, and realize that the smallest decision can have a huge impact and not be able to turn it into a few bucks.   It was awful!

Really, about the only useful purpose we have found for time travel is to cruise ahead and see how that haircut would really look, it has saved some serious humiliation, and shame, possibly a couple of marriages.  But, you should definitely shave your head, and get that tattoo, you (will) look like great like that.

Microwave Patriotism.